Anger! (very ragey thread alert)

[Purpleboa]

So. I'm feeling angry, helpless and frustrated with my situation and am venting on here because I feel I can't do so in real life.

My DD is 13 weeks old. She's a beautiful, lively and fast growing baby who is a delight during the day. But when it comes to sleep, it's a different story.

I'm so fucking angry. I'm angry at the hand I've received - I was prepared for some sleepless nights but not this. I'm angry at myself for not coping, and even for having a child in the first place, because I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. I'm angry at my DD for not sleeping, which makes me a terrible person I know. She can't help it. I'm angry at the mums in my first time mums group, whose babies all sleep through. We're talking 6.30pm to 8.3am in one case!! I'm angry when these mums complain about one night waking that lasts a few minutes, and I'm angry that they've got their life back with nights out etc, whilst I don't even remember what the concept of an evening /weekend feels like. I'm angry at my DH for getting all the good bits of having a new baby but none of the shit (well Ok he does his share of nappy changing!) I'm angry at the breast feeding propoganda which doesn't tell you how life destroying it is, and I'm angry at formula feeders for their seemingly easier ride. And I'm angry at any childless person who dares complain that they are tired.

Phew! Rant over. Sorry if it upsets anyone. I'm an irrational, raging, exhausted mess and I don't like myself right now. But it felt good to vent ??

Anyone fancy joining me?? Hop aboard the train to Rantsville, the buffet car coffee is the strongest you'll find...

If you're an irrational, raging exhausted mess then something has to give. I felt the same at 3 months and purely for "selfish" reasons gave up bf solely to see if it would improve sleep. Coincidentally or not, it did. I was no longer the default option for a whinging tired baby day and night. I regained a sense of control. Feeding became a shared job with DH. I know they're only tiny for a short time, but for me, no amount of snuggly midnight cuddles can match several hours solid kip in your own bed.

Actually, I think the average ff baby does sleep better than the average BF baby. The vast majority of my friends / family BF. I and a couple of friends ff. Ours consistently slept longer, especially once out of the newborn phase. My mum BF one of us and ff the other 2. The ff ones (including me) slept well, the BF one not at all. I'm not saying ff is a cure for poor sleep, as it won't be the same for everyone. And obviously that won't help the op if her dd won't take a bottle.

Stop thinking of her as an awkward baby, she really isn't! She's a baby who needs her mum.

This is what parenting is..you do adapt, it does get better, but you really need to rethink that way that you relate to your baby. She isn't strange, or awkward at all.

Seriously, she is 13 weeks old.

If you are this angry at a baby for not being able to control her sleep pattern, then I hope you are prepared for the rest that she throws at you.

Have you ever tried dream feeding???? If you haven't

www.emmasdiary.co.uk/baby/breastfeeding/dreamfeeding

It is a godsend!! I recommended to all my friends!

My DD was ebf (/bf for 19 months total) and refused to take a bottle the entire time. Was so happy when she could have a sippy cup. Bf is so relentless. I came to love it in the end though...

Also, (and im waiting for purple's punch to land) my DD slept through the night (thanks to dreamfeeding) from 18 days really tiny. I'm not a liar.

Good luck op. I'm currently 38+6 and I'm quite keen to see what kind of baby he is going to be... Hopefully like his sister but there are no guarantees

My ds (14 wks) won't settle after a night feed if he has wind. He'll go right to sleep as he feeds to sleep, but wakes up about 45 min later and is crying in agony all night.

What works for us is gripe water half way through (I offer both boobs) and at the end, then I change his nappy to wake him up and then burp the hell out of him and then soothe him back to being sleepy again. When I lie him down I pull his knees up to his shoulders to squeeze out farts. This seems to help a lot! Makes the night feed take an hour rather than 20 min, but it's a big improvement later in the night.

I also am not a breastfeeding fan, but we formula feed as well, and making up bottles in the middle of the night is awful. Breastfeeding is massively easier in that respect

differentnameforthis the OP is venting in a safe place because she is exhausted, she loves her baby, but she is very tired.

Cut Purpleboa some slack, she's tired out, her anger is exhaustion with the situation. Hopefully she can have more rest as her DH will be around.

Here is my advice, take it if you will. Feed your baby but then sit her upright, burp her very thoroughly then put her down awake.
She will take longer to settle initially but will then sleep much longer. Feeding babies to sleep causes no end of problems with wind & sleep associations.

Purple if she is pulling her legs up you might be eating something that disagrees with her. When I was as BFing DS, I had to stop eating bran flakes and broccoli as he had that reaction. Good luck.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Different name, I get your point but not very helpful of you to point it out. I love my DD so much and I know that she's normal and not awkward, but at that hour of the morning I was in the depths of despair. Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do though.

Thanks for the winding advice, I'll definitely be taking it. It's only recently that she's suffered like this so I guess it's the way she's developing. Will try the techniques tonight! Also going to try an earlier bedtime.

Thanks again, really means a lot to me that you've all taken the time to reach out and help xx

I remember feeling like this with my first DC1 - bone tired and in a permanent state of rage and disbelief at how unreasonable it all was! . Have a bloody great big hug. Its shit.

My DS didnt sleep properly for more than two years (I'm sorry, dont hate me...yours will sleep through much sooner, hopefully!)...and the only way I survived was to plan in bits of sleeping and down time in military fashion whenever I could For example,. DH used to take DS from me as soon as he walked in the door on Fridays, so I could have a bath (and possibly a glass of wine). I got a lie-in on Saturdays, and an afternoon nap on Sundays. If you have any family or friends who will come over and mind your baby for an hour or two while you have a bath/nap...take advantage of that. Dont be shy. Seriously. Just claw back a bit of rest time by any means necessary!

On the subject of people lying about their babies sleeping...hmmm, I dunno. My DD came along 4 years after DS (we had planed a 1-2 yr age gap, but sleep deprivation put paid to that)...she slept 12 hours a night from 6 weeks old, thrived, I didn't have to 'do' anything. It was a fluke. A very happy fluke, after DS .

Stay strong, OP, and keep venting. Surely there must some other sleep deprived mum in your baby group? Seek her out and have a good whinge and cry about it together! It does help a tiny bit.

Try taking probiotics, it's helped greatly with the random night farts!

greenhill And? I was just saying that having such a negative image of her child won't help, and that it isn't her daughter's fault. I know it is hard, but if you allow negative thoughts to take over, it all seems much much worse than it is.

Yes, I was concerned when I read the first post about how she is fucking angry. I get the sleep deprivation, but 'fucking angry', I thought, was a step beyond that. Reading on, I realised that she was venting & was trying to remind her that her daughter has no control over her emotions.

I wasn't trying to make you feel worse op, but perhaps keeping in mind the more positive aspects of being a parent will help at those times when we feel pushed to our limits.

I say this as a parent of a badly sleeping 7yr old, so I do know how it works..and I know that remembering that she has little control over her emotions herself, help me to remain calm, when I feel dead on my feet too.

Here's what I realised with DC2 that I wish I had known with DC1: it is OK to leave the baby in the cot awake and grumbling, full on screaming needs some attention but that's all.

This book is good BTW No Cry Sleep Solution

differentname I wasn't trying to make you feel bad either. I get your point, but was just worried you hadn't noticed the times that Purpleboa had posted at. I shouldn't have name checked you in the comment though

I cried a lot when my DC didn't sleep, DD finally slept through at 6, she used to call out and DH would settle her, whilst I fed DS. I survived on such a tiny amount of sleep, that I thought 4 hours of non consecutive sleep a night was a great night. Disclaimer: this is not typical.

I have no advice but have some . Ds woke every hour until he was 6months. Then slept through off his own back (my smugness lasted until he turned into a 4year old (now 5)who hates sleep) dd is much more chilled,I feed her in bed then put her back in cot.some nights it's once other nights,like last night, it was 3-4 Times. Does your dp drive?when dd was first born i was shattered,angry,weepy, just DONE.DP would take her after a good feed and drive with her,while I slept.knowing they were out of the house gave me such a sense of relief,and I got a good 2-3hours sleep (he didn't drive that long,drove for 1/1 hour,took her to our local 24hour Tesco to stock pile chocolate she slept in her car seat in living room after that). Occasionally he still does this, taking both dc for a drive,so I get some peace just to breathe/have hot bath/be ME.

a 13 wk old baby that sleeps through 14 hours is not thriving
What utter bollocks!! My ds slept between 11-14hours at night he got plenty of nutrition and thrived beautifully. He had 5 or 6 bottles throughout the day generally every 2.5/3 hrs it was a routine he fell into himself

My son is 6 and severely autistic and has lots of other disabilities .... He has never slept from birth!

Now we drug him with melatonin and Chloral Hydrate ... He might get through until 2am .... That's his morning !!!! Then I wake hubby at 6am and I sleep until 7am and the school Routine begins. We have an 8 year old and a 4 year old too.

Daughter has dairy intolerance too.... Food is an issue in this house. My son is do oral adverse we feed him through a gastrostomy. He can't talk or walk very far and uses a wheelchair. He functions about 18-24 months. He also has epilepsy and has seizures.

We spend lots of time in hospitals and clinics!

Your life sounds fab!!!!

Hope this makes you feel a bit better about where you are! You baby will grow up.... Mine won't!!!

Don't be sad about it .... He's a delight in other ways and we love him just the way he is!!!!!

ffffffedup your DS is obviously doing well .

But you have taken something I said as "utter bollocks" I'm basing that comment on my friend's baby. She struggled to get her baby to feed during the day and it slept heavily day and night. In the end she was encouraged to wake it regularly by the HV, even though she was glad to sleep through herself. All babies are different, the one I was referring to was considered to be "a good baby" but was slipping down the centiles for weight. It all worked out well in the end though and is still a heavy sleeper and not a big eater.

How are you feeling today Purple? Did you manage to get some rest? X

Purple when my DC1 was 13 weeks I thought I had ruined my life. He woke every hour all through the night. I thought I was losing my mind.

I loved him so much. I couldn't bear to hand him over to anyone in case he felt abandoned and it was agony to hear him cry. I was so angry with the universe, angry with my friends for not understanding how painful life was, angry with DH for (as you say) only having the good bits, angry that other people had babies who slept. I thought my life was basically over.

For me sleep deprivation is a major depressant. I look back on those first ten months and feel so sad because I really struggled.

Fast forward and DC1 is now two, and DC2 is two months. Second time round and the sleep deprivation is easier. Partly because I have learnt some tricks to help (probiotics and daily baby massage for wind, feeding lying down, snuzpod and sleepyhead); but mainly because I know that this stage really will pass. (And it turns out I love toddlers!)

Sending you masses and masses of hugs. I know nothing I say will help, and when you are going through it for the first time it is impossible to believe things get better. I promise that they will, but in the meantime be gentle with yourself and try to force yourself to sleep during the day.

Thanks Starfish and Ties. Last night was much better for DD - she did a fairly good stint - but not for me as I was wide awake with insomnia from 1am feed, gah! Luckily DH took her all morning so was able to catch up on a couple of hours.

Tonight started well, until about 2.45. Keep putting her down, she'll drift off, only to wake shouting. Have tried what has been suggested re. wind but not much joy. Been giving her infacol but she screams the place down (why the hell do they make it orange flavoured!) so I'm not wanting to give her that in the wee hours.

Ah well. I know it could be a lot worse. It's just very frustrating when you get a good night then things go bad again! I know I'm lucky to have even had a good night...

Could be the superbloodmoon?

hopeful

Ha every nights a blood moon for this kid!

The insomnia is a cowbag I know. Try to avoid checking the clock and all screens if you can. Listen to audiobooks on low on headphones or a sound asleep pillow if you need something to see you through the waking parts of the night.