Anger! (very ragey thread alert)

[Purpleboa]

So. I'm feeling angry, helpless and frustrated with my situation and am venting on here because I feel I can't do so in real life.

My DD is 13 weeks old. She's a beautiful, lively and fast growing baby who is a delight during the day. But when it comes to sleep, it's a different story.

I'm so fucking angry. I'm angry at the hand I've received - I was prepared for some sleepless nights but not this. I'm angry at myself for not coping, and even for having a child in the first place, because I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. I'm angry at my DD for not sleeping, which makes me a terrible person I know. She can't help it. I'm angry at the mums in my first time mums group, whose babies all sleep through. We're talking 6.30pm to 8.3am in one case!! I'm angry when these mums complain about one night waking that lasts a few minutes, and I'm angry that they've got their life back with nights out etc, whilst I don't even remember what the concept of an evening /weekend feels like. I'm angry at my DH for getting all the good bits of having a new baby but none of the shit (well Ok he does his share of nappy changing!) I'm angry at the breast feeding propoganda which doesn't tell you how life destroying it is, and I'm angry at formula feeders for their seemingly easier ride. And I'm angry at any childless person who dares complain that they are tired.

Phew! Rant over. Sorry if it upsets anyone. I'm an irrational, raging, exhausted mess and I don't like myself right now. But it felt good to vent ??

Anyone fancy joining me?? Hop aboard the train to Rantsville, the buffet car coffee is the strongest you'll find...

purple, I think anger is a natural reaction some of us have to shitty circumstances, and that's what you're angry at - the circumstances, not your baby. Some of us cry when we're overwhelmed, some of us withdraw, some of us get cross.

You're not being aggressive towards your baby, you're just feeling at the end of your tether. Been there. At 14 weeks things go a bit haywire with their sleep and feeding. Have you got the Wonder Weeks book? I recommend it, it helps me diagnose what's going on and shows me that it WILL get better again.

And as for all the other people with magic sleeping babies - half of them are lying, the others are just lucky. At 4.5 months I'm the only person in my NCT group not yet giving formula or solid food so I get to hear a lot about how other peoples' babies are sleeping through . I've also had a few people claim theirs is sleeping 8-6 only to add 'And we give him a dream feed at 11, and he wakes at 2' - that's not sleeping through!

I really believe that there are no magic babies. You may be going through sleep hell now, but your little one might turn out to be a natural at solids, or a dream to potty train. The trick then is to not be too smug about that with all your mum friends having a harder time! I also think that depending on your character, you'll find certain child challenges easier than others. Some parents have no trouble dealing with sleep deprivation (I'm not one of them), but will find toddler tantrums unbearable. I have a relative who was a born-to-be-a-mum type and breezed through the baby months - until her son started defying her at 2, at which point she turned into a wreck.

It will get better. We're at 19 weeks now and waiting out the end of sleep regression hell, but at 17 weeks DD just magically did 7-3 for a week or so. There'll be respite. When you're in the middle of it it seems like nothing will change, or that you have to make it change and you don't know how, but in reality it'll get better by itself.

Best of luck!

What Eeek said!

Thank you eeek! Very reassuring words. I really hope you are right and respite is in sight. I'm just seriously doubting it! I look at stories on here and it worries me that we'll still be in this situation when she's two :(

You're right - I am angry at the situation. I wish I wasn't and it makes me feel weak for not coping, especially as I know others have it worse. It's just killing me though. Like I said earlier, I was fully prepared for a few sleepless nights along the road. I just didn't expect it to be so continous! I'm scared about not being able to cope and cracking under the strain. I'm crying as I write this - it's another shitty night. She slept for a few hours from 830 (I couldn't, fecking insomnia) then has done half an hour - awake - half an hour - awake - ever since. Tried infacol, gripe water, legs over shoulders...nothing is working.

What I'd like to know is:
Could this be the 4 month regression come early?
Should I stop her from sleeping in the day? I know they say sleep begets sleep but it's clearly not the case here. She doesn't sleep excessively in the day, about 3 naps ranging from 30 mins to an hour. BIt is this affecting night time?
Should I make an appointment to see the doctor? I just can't see how this is normal!
Will I survive this? Can I survive this??

Thanks in advance! A very desperate Purple...

Purple I am so so sorry you are having such a bad night.

It sounds like she never gets into a deep sleep, and instead waking between every sleep cycle, which is impossible for you.

Going to the GP is a good idea to rule out any serious underlying issue. However if it is "just" a sleep problem then they are unlikely to be helpful (ime).

Your HV team might have someone who deals with all the sleep problems in your area, worth trying them.

If you can afford it Ann Caird is often recommended on this site (gentle sleep consultant).

Personally I would try more daytime sleep as if she is overtired then she will find it harder to sleep properly at night, and three hours doesn't sound like very much to me.

Sending masses of hugs. Bad nights are horrendous.

Thanks Ties. Yes, it's just awful. 4am and I've not slept a wink. She has just been asleep for 2 hours now and just woken up, but insomnia has kept me awake through that.

I am going to call the HV tomorrow - oops I mean today! Like you say, I don't think there's much she or the doc can say or do but worth a try for further recommendations. With regard to the sleep consultant, it may well have to come to that. But because she's still so little, I'm still (foolishly?) hoping that this is a phase which she'll get through. She CAN sleep for longer stretches so I don't know why she's not! But we'll see how it goes.

I'm so tired I feel my bones are melting. My heartbeat also sounds erratic, good old anxiety!

I would try a sleep consultant - I have so many friends they have been a godsend for.

Lack of sleep is horrible but your body does eventually learn to adjust so most days you just cope. Hopefully her sleep improves before you get to that point though!

Have you tried expressing for some of the night feeds so your husband can help and you can try to stay asleep?

Oh you poor poor thing. Can't believe some people would criticize you for being angry with a baby. Maybe their sleep problems weren't like yours.

Babies are people. Some people need a lot of sleep, some people don't.

Number one was a nightmare. She didn't sleep through the night for 5 years (sorry). She is now 25 and still gets about 4 hours sleep a night.

Number two was a dream, she did nothing but sleep, waking only to eat, and now, 22 years later, is much the same which is really really really annoying.

Other people have said it. Sleep whenever you get the chance. The housework will still be there when you wake up. The world won't end if you stop breastfeeding, although baby still won't sleep but maybe someone else could take a turn.

Look after yourself. I found it really hard to adapt to being a Mum but after a couple of years I was besotted.

Oh bless you it sounds miserable! My DC1 was the same until about 3. My lowest point with him came when we lived right by a train station. I got up to give him a feed and heard the last train pulling in. I was still up with him when I heard the first train arrive. I think I just burst into tears at that point. Somehow we managed to get through and he now sleeps really well.

I agree with pp who said give HV a ring. I think you should explain how you feel and they can make sure you've got the right support.
Hope you manage to get some rest xx

Oh big hugs purple it's a killer isn't it?!

If it's any consolation my DS2 has been getting progressively worse since about 10 weeks. He was up 5 times last night and 4/5 times all of the last week. Funny you mention wind as that's what wakes him - trying desperately to fart! I feed him back to sleep (he's not hungry just needs to fart but i don't want him waking my toddler). Not ideal but needs must! Gotta be a phase right?

You are right you don't need a sleep consultant she is way too young and actually behaving normally.

Some tips:
Don't use your phone before bedtime it will exacerbate your insomnia.
Have a bath and go to bed at 8pm tonight to catch up on precious sleep
Go out every day and get some fresh air
Don't think everyone else is breezing it with easy babies and lives back to normal... (I cried yesterday morning and told my husband I wasn't cut out for this!)
Don't scare yourself with stories of babies who don't sleep through till age 5. All babies wake at different periods throughout their lives. Think of it as good spells and bad spells (you'd give anything for just one wake up per night right now right? Me too!)
Invest in a copy of the Wonder Weeks
Keep a little record of all the lovely things you DD does on a weekly basis so you don't write this whole period off as shit. So things like the things that make her giggle, any new tricks she does etc etc

It honestly does get easier. Just think in another 3 months they will be eating, sitting up, maybe crawling and only needing 2 naps per day

Thank you all! Greebosmum - thanks for understanding about the anger thing. The sane, rational and rested me knows that it's just a baby being a baby. But at 3am and up for the 4th time I am not a nice person and unable to get perspective. I wish I could.

Sirzy she won't take a bottle yet! But we are working on it.

Sausage oh how awful! The thing about the trains really got to me! Thank you for your kind words and reassurance.

Starfish - do we have the same child?? Good point re sleep consultant. I'll rule nothing out but I honestly think 3 months is too early. Maybe at 8 months if this is still going on and I have to go back to work!!

I get you on the feeding to sleep thing. Yes I know the experts don't recommend it but we have grumpy neighbours and my DH has a demanding new job. No way am I letting her cry! Once she's in her room it might be different as that wall doesn't adjoin to our neighbours.

Funnily enough today she rolled over for the first time! So maybe that's why she's been so restless. At the risk of sounding like 'that' mum, she does seem to be hitting her milestones early and is such a bright curious little thing. I guess she doesn't want to sleep and miss out on anything!

I've been giving serious thought to formula but have decides to continue breastfeeding. I strongly suspect she is a wee party animal by nature, and I don't want to affect my milk supply. We'll see where we're at next month.

She's had 3 big naps today so am hoping that will make a difference?? crosses fingers

Thanks again ladies and to all of you suffering right now!

Oh and I always go to bed when she does. Only way to get some sleep! Occasionally I'll join DH downstairs for a catch up, but am too tense watching the baby monitor and calculating how much sleep I could be getting to relax! Friends without kids (or whose babies sleep through on formula) keep inviting me to stuff of an evening and I always have to say no. If I have any social life left at the end of this, it'll be a miracle!

Purpleboa the real friends? They'll still be there. Between living abroad a lot and The Incredible Non-Sleeping Toddler, I'm only just re-emerging into a social life with my "home" friends. They're still there. They get it. (Or pretend to because you know, they are good friends).

Hang in there.

I can not comment on bf as I never managed to do it, but just to repeat what someone said earlier about the stress of sterilising and making up feeds, that nearly broke me when I was sleep deprived. I once woke up at 2am and realised I had forgotten to make any bottles up, so had to leave my peacefully sleeping baby to go and make some up. That rankled a bit.

I make no comment about bf/ff as only you can make that decision but I throw my experience in the mix. It was eased slightly by the fact that dh could do some feeds, but to be perfectly honest if I had my time again I would persevere with bf.

You are doing a great job.

Purple I'm afraid I don't have any pearls of wisdom to offer as I had three bad sleepers and I never found a fool-proof solution, even though I tried pretty much every sleep training method there is. But what I wanted to say was that I totally understand how you're feeling. I knew that I was blessed to have three healthy children, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when you're so tired you can barely see. During the day I'd be driving around with my DDs in the back of the car, thinking that if I was an HGV driver it would probably be illegal for me to drive on the amount of sleep I'd had. It got to the point where I dreaded my own bedtime, as it was so depressing knowing that I'd be woken up within a couple of hours. I did get the odd early night, but like you, struggled to sleep in the early evening, although when they napped during the day, I slept then (and refused all lunch appointments for two years so I could at least get some rest!).

To remind myself how lucky I was, I would take my DTs to the supermarket, where lovely elderly ladies would coo over them and tell me how gorgeous they were and how blessed I was.

It probably doesn't help at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are and totally empathise with the feelings of anger you describe. I sometimes had to leave my DTs crying in their cot while I walked round the garden for five minutes, breathing deeply. I also understand the resentment of other mums who say their babies sleep through.

I do hope that she settles down soon.

Oh and yes, BFing non-sleeping DD1 was so much easier than FFing non-sleeping DTs. DH and I would take a tray up to bed with six bottles full of cooled boiled water and two of those things in which you can measure out formula, just to see us through the night. (This was when you could do this - I don't think this is the recommended way any more!) We tried giving DD1 a formula feed as a dream feed as people said it would fill her up more, but it didn't make any difference whatsoever!

Some ideas:

If she is super wide awake, have a warm bath with her. Just lie in it for a short while with her on your stomach-Do Not Fall Asleep in there though! I suggest this in the hope it will relax you both.

Ditto soothing music on very low. I find Radio 4 only just loud enough to hear does wonders for insomnia.

Does your DH do massages? Now's the time.

The point being, you may not sleep but you will hopefully be more relaxed.

Get your DH to be 'on duty' for a chunk of the evening so he is the first to try getting your DD back to sleep. Sometimes just handing the responsibility over to someone else is a godsend.

Oh, and a 13 week old baby that sleeps for 14 hours straight is not thriving. It is not getting enough nutrition and is probably lethargic due to lack of calories during the day too this in spades.

Mine did this due to jaundice and other illnesses. It was terrifying. I didn't sleep because I was watching them in a panic and counting down until the awful job of waking them (took ages) to get them to feed. There could be all kinds of dfficult realities hidden behind the public comments you're hearing.

Please don't tell yourself you are weak. You have just got a baby that doesn't sleep much at the moment. We all feel your pain, it can be the most lonely, frustrating, worrying experience, but it will pass.

I bf one and ff one - didn't seem to make much difference to their sleep, but obviously ff has the advantage that dh used to do every Friday and Saturday night while I slept in the spare room.

My first was like this and I remember the rage. And lying by the cot weeping. It was fucking awful. At six months I phoned Andrea grace and she sorted a no-crying sleep plan for me and a month later he was sleeping 12 hours.

I mention that so often on here people must think I am her but it changed my whole experience of motherhood and was the best £300 j ever spent.

Good luck op

I'm glad it helped purple. I felt just like you during a bad stretch when DD was 13/14 weeks or so. It just gets on top of you when it's been going on so long, but my experience was that as soon as DD got out the other side I was like a different person. I think it was the first time I realised that everything wears off eventually, I just have to ride it out and have faith that one day it'll change by itself.

Don't worry about the threads on here full of long-term sleep issues - the reason people are in the sleep topic is they're having problems (mostly). It's not representative of the average experience. Most children sleep through before they're two. It's very unlikely that this will go on for a long time.

I can't tell you what's best because we're all different, but if I were you I'd stick with BFing. Formula isn't a magic sleep bullet and if your little one's anything like mine then a delay in feeding will lead to major screaming, which is not what you want at 4am. I know what it's like as DD's in a phase of feeding 4 times a night (used to be 1, uuuuuuurgh) and I've been so tempted to try formula or solids. But after a couple of weeks of hell, we only had 2 feeds last night. Everything passes.

It could be the4 month sleep regression, it can happen any time between 3 and 5 months. Ours started at 3 months, went quiet for a bit, back with a vengeance at 18 weeks, hopefully disappearing again!

Don't limit her sleep in the day. It won't make any difference, or it'll make the night worse. Seems logical but it's not. I'd go with the flow, if it's the sleep regression her naps will be shot anyway so no point trying to adjust them.

You will survive! Promise you're doing great, you're just exhausted. Remember they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique . . . you can't be Disney Mum when you're going through this shit

I haven't RTFT OP, but I just wanted to offer sympathy - I could have written your post a year ago. I totally get it.

This too shall pass.

I was that Mum that everyone head-tilted at while asking how DD was sleeping - and the well-meaning advice made me murderous. DD was horrific - she woke every 40 minutes, round the clock, for 7 months. Then, one night, she just slept through. I was so worried I thought she was dying as it was so unusual.

I'm not telling you this to be smug, but hopefully to offer support - NOTHING you can do will affect her sleep; if she's decided she's not going to, you've just got to ride it out. She'll sleep, eventually. Until then, rope in DH, express if you can, and know that you're not alone.

I'm 21 weeks PG with #2 now, so I expect I'll be back in your position soon.

Purpleboa

I think its completely normal to feel such raging emotions once in a while after all we are human. What is important that you regain your calm and don't let your anger affect your baby or your relationship with her. She needs a lot of care and pampering right now and a day will come when she will pamper you and take care of you the way you are taking care of her. I say that with experience. Her sleep pattern and behaviour is not in your control and neither in her control since she's a little angel right now.
I would suggest to focus on helping yourself by meditating for a little while which might help you. I used this app called take 10 which has 10 free 10 minute session to mediate which might help you. I also used a balm called goodnight balm by an aromatherapy company called 1001 remedies which worked wonders for me. It helped me to calm my nerves and it smells amazing. Its still a part of my night time ritual and I just apply small amount on both my wrists an half hour before going to bed. Try it if you can Hope you and your DD are doing great now!

My terrible sleeper is now a hairy arsed 21yr old, but your posts have brought it all back op , from me.