Baby doesn't sleep and I don't know how to cope

[evertonmint]

DS (DC3) is 6.5mo and his sleep is appalling. Between 9pm and now I have fed him to sleep 6 times. I have given up and given him to DH and and am now alone and raging in the dark when I should be sleeping. So miserable as it never gets better :(

I co sleep with him in the spare room. It's away from the older 2 who DH deals with if they wake but the reality is he usually gets 7 hours solid in a comfy lovely bed. I get severely broken sleep in a less nice bed in a less nice room with a baby who won't even sleep in the cot rammed right up next to my bed with the side down so it's basically the same bed. I find it v hard not to resent DH - sleep envy is a terrible thing - even though this arrangement makes sense. DH has a 12 hour day in a busy job and it's pointless for both of us to be disturbed every 60-90 mins by DS but I can't help but hate that I have to do it every night because DS will only sleep after breastfeed (if I'm lucky) and refuses bottles, dummies, thumbs, fingers etc.

I have a temporary contract starting next week. WFH 3 days so not horrendous but I have no idea how I will return to work with such a crap nights sleep.

DS is gorgeous during the day, unbelievably content (but only sleeps in buggy or sling) so it clearly works for him but I am in bits and cannot cope like this.

What do I do? How do I get through this? How do I convince myself it will get better when we appear to be heading back downhill to the dark days of November when I was at the end of my tether (things improved slightly but are getting worse again.

TBH I'm not expecting answers. I just need to get this out so I have half a chance of sleeping before DH brings back the baby I've abandoned on him when he needs his next feed which could be anything from 45 mins to 3 hours away.

Sounds like a plan! Good luck. My third is also not sleeping as well but have the little moo in with me in bed and sleep topless so she can help herself. Would never have done it with my first two but damnit I need to sleep!

Thank you rootypig - good thoughts. I think me picking him up will upset him as he'll think hes being fed, bit might be an option for boobless DH. I'll download Ferber. I'm up for anything but CIO at the moment.

Not sure if the feed thing will work. I'm just not convinced he will go 12 hours. Might feed at 10/11ish then try night weaning then.

Feel like we have a plan which should get us further on than we are. Then can adjust if (when!) it doesn't work.

That's essentially the plan andrea gave me! Just be strong at 2am :)

Good luck

Sounds like a very sensible plan to me.

The first hour my DD woke when my husband had to settle her was the worst of the lot. But then even that first night she slept longer than normal and settled back to sleep in the night more easily. So do warn your husband that this evening might be tough! But, hopefully, things will improve very quickly. (Put some headphones in and listen to music while your husband is settling your son this evening so it doesn't distress you while you aren't in the room with them!).

Really good luck.

Yes! see how it's working and adjust. Ferber will put your feet on solid ground re sleep cycles and associations. Good luck!

So he went down like a dream. When he started getting drowsy from feeding, I sat him up and read Goodnight Moon. Then switched the light out and sat behind head of cot so out of sight but able to touch him if necessary. He chuntered a bit but no crying. Occasional shush or "time for sleep" from me as he got a bit louder but he drifted off easily after about 15 mins. This is a miracle, and is a good thing to take from tonight whatever happens: he can get himself to sleep in his cot!

We knew the actual wakings wouldn't be that easy. 1 hour in and he started howling. I went in and sat with him for 25 mins. DH has taken over as he was just so angry at me and He wanted me to come down for my supper. DH still in there - we're at 35 mins now. He is pausing between howling now though and I can hear continuous murmuring from DH so I think he's slowly giving in. Distracting myself with a piece of Stilton. It was much easier being the one sitting there than the one listening, and I'm just glad one of us is staying with him so he's not alone. It will be much harder during the night when it's dark and cold and we're tired of course.

Good work! so that's how your resolve for timings of feeds will help. Make the decision in advance. This is the hardest thing about sleep problems - the more tired you get, the less able you are to deal with it, and so it goes on. Until you reach breaking point

You can do it!

To help you stay resolute, please please remember that if you give in and feed after 30 minutes of crying, you are teaching him (quite directly) that he needs to cry for 30 minutes to be fed. If you are planning to feed him when he wakes e.g. at 3am, then do it right away. Hope that makes sense!

Thanks rootypig - yep, I won't feed him once I've let him cry. If nothing else that's essentially teasing the poor boy which is just wrong. I'm heading up to bed now - he has been back asleep for 40 mins, so about 45-50 mins to settle. Fingers crossed we don't have too many wakings like that one :(

Let us know how it goes evertonmint

That's great that he settled in the cot, as you say that's a big win alone. How has the rest of the night been?

Wow! You sound like you're living a parallel life to me, right down to the hip dysplasia and cot shoved up next to the bed in the spare room! Except I'm 9 months in now and haven't summoned the energy to do anything about it . Good luck!

It's total hell OP, you have my every sympathy. I really, really struggled with my son not sleeping, in his case because of hideous reflux. A wonderful sleep specialist helped us, I dread to think how things would have turned out for us if I hadn't found her, I was at my absolute breaking point. If you would like her contact details please pm me. Hope things improve for you soon.

So! Here's the summary

8pm Down awake after bath, feed, story, put into cot awake. Drifted off within 15 mins, a bit of chatting but no shouting. BIG WIN!

9pm Awoke crying. 50 mins in total :(. Me and then DH with him, cuddling, patting, shushing, murmuring etc. lullabies and star projection thing. Asleep before 10pm

11pm Awake. As per plan I fed him straight away. Put him down just still awake after 10 mins, asleep within 1 minute.

1am Awake crying. As above, I sat with him shushing, patting, cuddling etc. lullabies and star projection. Long pauses by 1.30. Fell asleep at 1.45 for 2-3mins, shook himself awake and howled. Fell asleep at 2 for 2-3 mins, shook awake and howled. Finally asleep at 2.15am

5.15am Awoke. Fed as per my plan. Put him down awake, switched on stars and left him. Don't know how long he took to go to sleep but he slept until 8am

8am Awoke cooing and happy. Curtains opened, nappy and clothes change then downstairs for a feed.

Positives: A couple of good stretches of sleep and 6 hours between feeds. Will happily drift off after a feed so doesn't need feeding to sleep.

Negative: two long sets of howling. But we didn't leave him at any point and were very reassuring, gentle, consistent. I suspect he was upset because he was confused and wondering where my breast was rather than feeling abandoned so I felt bad about it but much better than leaving him to cry.

We'll plough on. Even with the 1 1/4 hours at 1am I still had way more sleep than usual including a blissful 3 hours between 2.15 and 5.15. And sleep was better because my bed is so much cosier than the guest bed and I wasn't aware of DS's every snuggle and shimmy! And DS had way more sleep than usual too which is brilliant for him.

I don't care about him sleeping through. To be frank I can easily cope with 11, 1 and 5 if I have to as that is do much better for us both than what we've been living with.

Thank you so much for the advice. If has helped to clarify things whereas I never quite listened to advice ob my other threads, or felt less hopeful. I wouldn't move him into his own room until he reached 6m so this has been the right time to start this big effort.

I'm going to get this thread moved to Sleep so it doesn't go poof so that I can refer back to it if needed, or point others to it.

Thank you all! I'll update you over the next few days.

The main thing is having a strong pre-bed and morning routine to book end sleep with which mirrors what we did with the others but has somehow felt impossible with this one. And we are both now in the best sleeping places.

I'm glad you have seen an improvement. My DS (now 10m) was an awful sleeper, I can't even out into words his hellish my life was. Every night I would be in tears and I was exhausted. We had problems with DS not being able to self settle, waking constantly in the night, only going back to sleep if I fed him, wouldn't nap in the day and we had to co-sleep every night because I was desperate. Life was awful.

I hit a very low point and turned to a Sleep Consultant and she turned my life around. I can't explain how amazing she was and how eternally grateful I will be to her.

Doing sleep training can be physically and emotionally draining so well done for sticking to it and I really hope you continue to see improvements

Excellent. Hopefully over the next few days he will begin to adapt so not waking every hr or two. You know he can settle without feeds, and although unsettled he has parent there so isn't being left alone

Try a similar routine soon also at nap time if at home. So feed in living room, then take to bedroom, nappy change and read his book. Then pop into cot as you do at bedtime. Gradually he will learn the signals for sleep of darker room, story and into bed, rather than milk= sleep

Writer - that's where we were in Oct/Nov - tears every night from me, sleep and feeds all over the place, no daytime naps unless I walked him round for 2 hours which was impossible with a preschooler around - but he was only just out of the harness so I didn't have the strength to do training then as I was recovering from the worry of that and DS still seemed fragile to me. It got a teeny bit better in December - I got a bit more rest somehow anyway - but deteriorated again. DH and I had a bit of space over New Year to spend time together and rejuvenate our relationship which has helped - lots of frustration had built up. We just can't let things go back to where they were for all our sakes.

I'm so glad I posted on Saturday night. It made me realise we are finally ready to properly tackle this, and that we can actually put a sensible plan together that doesn't involve leaving him on his own. This thread, and all the posters, have been so very helpful for us.

OP I'm in the same position. DS IS 6.5 months and waking every 2 hours. Sometimes I can settle him with a quick cwtch, sometimes he screams until he's fed. I've reached the same point as you now, where I have to do something about it, as I'm back in work in February. Thanks for starting the thread, I think it's given me the push I need! I may also steal your plan!

Update on my evening so far, night 2:

7pm Feed after bath then book. A bit worried as he'd not slept since 3 due to ferrying around after the older 2. But after 5 mins crying he started to settle. Rubbing his chest and patting, shushing and murmuring right through until he was really settled then just sat but not touching him. Down by 7.45, after 25 mins in cot

8.40 Awoke crying. But unlike last night when this waking took 50 mins, he settled in 10 mins. I'm just listening to him starting to snore now!

So I wonder what the rest of tonight will bring?

That's brilliant, everton. Am so glad you're back in your own bed, more than anything! When I finally sleep trained DD, as an anxious PFB first mother, a big part of my concern was what the sleep disruption was doing for her. She was so much happier for it! I hope the rest of the night is as good.

Good morning! And it is :)

The rest of our evening was a bit rubbish - after resettling just before 9 he then awoke at 9.20 and took 40 mins to settle. And he then awoke at 10.50. I gave him his feed as it was 3 hours after first starting to sleep. I was seriously dreading the night at this point. Anyway he went down at 11.10 and I left him almost asleep. We heard a few grunts until 11.30. And then nothing until

5am!!!!

I gave him his feed, settled him quietly and left at 5.15. At 5.30 he started shouting and had done a poo. Changed him in the cot and started settling him again. It got to the point that I was worried that he wouldn't resettle before everyone woke up and then he'd be rewarded for making a fuss by getting up. I switched from the lullaby music to his stars and rainforest box and instead of patting him just withdrew to the chair and shushing. And he dropped off within 5 mins.

So I'm sat here with a cuppa while he sleeps. Next waking I'll get him straight up for the day. Been up since 5am but on the back of the longest sleep I've had in 6 months apart from one freak night when he was 10 weeks old and did a 6 hour stretch!!!

Everton that's amazing! My night wasn't quite so successful, but it was still a massive improvement - We put DS in his own room for the first time. He was asleep when we went to bed but woke at 10:30, DH settled him back to sleep and he didn't wake until 2:15, I fed him and I was back in bed within 30 minutes, he didn't wake up again until our heating kicked in at 6:00, and he went back to sleep unto 7:45! So much better than every 2 hours! I feel quite awake for the first time in a long time!

What a brilliant post :) so glad things are working for you Evertonmint! Giving me the motivation to try properly again with dd :)

Yay! And you have never left him alone or let him cry uncomforted. I wish more people realised 'sleep training' doesn't have to be cry it out.

Fingers xrossed for tonight!

Agree with bigkids. Sleep training isn't all or nothing, there are so many gentle things you can do that are good for everyone.

So happy for you everton! I hope you feel a bit more sane. (And a cup of tea in a house of sleeping children is frankly the dream )