Baby doesn't sleep and I don't know how to cope

[evertonmint]

DS (DC3) is 6.5mo and his sleep is appalling. Between 9pm and now I have fed him to sleep 6 times. I have given up and given him to DH and and am now alone and raging in the dark when I should be sleeping. So miserable as it never gets better :(

I co sleep with him in the spare room. It's away from the older 2 who DH deals with if they wake but the reality is he usually gets 7 hours solid in a comfy lovely bed. I get severely broken sleep in a less nice bed in a less nice room with a baby who won't even sleep in the cot rammed right up next to my bed with the side down so it's basically the same bed. I find it v hard not to resent DH - sleep envy is a terrible thing - even though this arrangement makes sense. DH has a 12 hour day in a busy job and it's pointless for both of us to be disturbed every 60-90 mins by DS but I can't help but hate that I have to do it every night because DS will only sleep after breastfeed (if I'm lucky) and refuses bottles, dummies, thumbs, fingers etc.

I have a temporary contract starting next week. WFH 3 days so not horrendous but I have no idea how I will return to work with such a crap nights sleep.

DS is gorgeous during the day, unbelievably content (but only sleeps in buggy or sling) so it clearly works for him but I am in bits and cannot cope like this.

What do I do? How do I get through this? How do I convince myself it will get better when we appear to be heading back downhill to the dark days of November when I was at the end of my tether (things improved slightly but are getting worse again.

TBH I'm not expecting answers. I just need to get this out so I have half a chance of sleeping before DH brings back the baby I've abandoned on him when he needs his next feed which could be anything from 45 mins to 3 hours away.

You have my sympathies. Ds is 5yrs and has only been sleeping through the night for a year (exactly a year).
Dd still wakes some nights (3yrs) but I know it's not for much longer.
Apart from brief periods of looking for new contracts, DH is rarely around to help.
It gets better.

I would work on all the things at once: cot in day, cot at night, reducing feeds. I think it will make more sense both to you and to him. I don't have some mad vision of it all being alright in three days, I just mean that if you can change your expectation somehow to being that he will sleep in his cot, and start putting him down there every time, after every waking, even if he doesn't stay there because you're too tired to persist, you will make progress.

I would probably go MrsA's route, and enlist your well rested (!) DH to do blocks of shh patting or holding him if he cries (what we did), whatever you decide on that's not feeding him back to sleep. Decide on a block (up to midnight?) to get started with but have it based around his cot / room, rather than whatever DH needs to do to keep him happy, if you see what I mean. A unified approach, commitment to the cot, you will get there!

Then once he's steadily going til midnight, make DH do the graveyard shift, and so on

Andrea is fabulous, truly. Like a headmistress you don't want to disappoint so you do everything right

I think for your own sanity you need to get firm.
I'd sleep train him at nap times in his cot in his room on his own. Personally I'd use cc but I know it's not for everyone, do some research pick a method and stick to it. Once he's reliably going down in his cot for naps I'd pick a weekend with dh and go cold turkey on the night feeds getting dh to go to him when he crys offer water and hugs. I did this with dd at about 6.5 months and it took 2 nights.

Forgot to say good luck and things will get bettereventually what ever you do. Xx

I second the Feber book. It really is useful. I don't like cc and he gave me ideas tbh.

Thank god Iggly! I am a Ferber pariah and noone will believe me!

He doesn't come across as the cold heartered leave your baby to cry as you'd think once you read it. He's actually sympathetic at times to the child and talks about tackling sleep issues gradually, not jumping straight to cc.

I love my copy so much I refuse to lend it out.

You are inspiring me to reread mine even though I have a sleeping through the night two year old and no bun in the oven

I'm so glad you got 3 hours solid - I know just how wonderful that feels when you are used to lots of tiny sleeps! And great to hear things look a bit clearer this morning.

One other thing - rubbish though it is to lose your evening, if he sleeps ok from 8 for that first block of sleep then I absolutely would put your head down and get that block of sleep yourself. That could we when you go in one room and your husband stays in the other with the baby to start the gentle sleep training perhaps? When we did that it was amazing how much easier to face the nights it was knowing that Id already had some sleep.

Really good luck and hopefully here comes some better sleep for you soon!

I read some of mine the other day and mine are 5 and 3

My problem with sleeping in the evenings is a) my natural rhythm means I flag anywhere between 2 and 6 (when I can't sleep thanks to being foolish enough to acquire a non-sleeper for my 3rd baby rather than 1st!!) but feel awake and alert in the evenings and b) it's the only time I get any me time or DH time.

But yes, it might be worth a shot at least when we start training. The worst nights have been where he's slept most/all evening but then had a 2 hour plus awake period from midnight to 2.30 so I know I am barely going to scrape 4 hours if in lucky.

DH lying in to catch some extra sleep but lazy day planned so we'll strategise today and move cot if feeling brave enough to start tonight!

Sympathy from me too OP, in a very similar situation here. DD is 6.5 months and last night woke every 1-2 hours. She always does a 3 hour stretch when she first goes to bed then it's frequent wake ups after that. I've tried just comforting her when she wakes up but she gets upset quite quickly if I don't offer her the boob right away! Not quite sure what to do...

I would also sleep train and semi night wean

You need to disassociate sleep with feeds. So I would not feed near his cot . So 9pm feed in living room then take up and settle in cot. 11pm wake him slightly and dreamfeed ( this one in bedroom), then don't feed again until morning. When it's morning say 6am onwards take him downstairs, make it light and feed in living room.

Any wakings 11pm-6am resettle without a feed. At 6 months he can go 7hrs without a feed during the night, if you feed on demand the rest of the day

Chestnutmare - our babies are twins!

Posted too soon. It's horrid isn't it? Sooo need to fix this.

Artandco - that's a good tip about separating sleep and feeds. Because I'm in the spare room without a chair he gets fed on the bed then put in cot, or fed lying down in bed with me when he co-sleeps. Been trying to do more sitting up on edge of bed but need to be stronger about doing that. There's a chair in his room which will help in that. Also def will get up for the morning feed. That's a good idea.

Not at all convinced he will go 11-5/6/7 yet as he barely goes 3 hours in the day. Think I'll start with no feeds between 11 and 3 then nothing until after 6. If no joy, we'll try cold turkey.

Thank you all yet again!

I dont have much to add to the excellent advice you have had so far but one thing rang a bell with me. we have our 10 month old dd's cot up against our bed with the side off. she would never entertain it and just screamed if you put her in it. she seemed to want a bit of comfort and the cot was so big compared to her.

we saw someone on here suggest a 'sleepyhead grande'. we looked online. its just a big sausage pillow wrapped round a padded base. it cost £150 so wasnt cheap but every single review was positive.

we tried it and she has had every nap and bedtime in it since. she lies down in it and goes straight to sleep. she usually nuzzles her head into the top and puts her legs on the side. just with you mentioning he settled in a v shaped cushion it might help him. we even took ours to the lakes on holiday and she slept in it fine there too. they take up a lot of space though!

I would try increasing his feeds in the day also then. To go 11pm-6am I would feed every 2 hrs during the day. It means you feel happier also about settling without feeding as know he has been feed lots the other 17 hrs of the day

Artandco - I have started trying to up his milk during the day where I can - it's a bit hit and miss due to fitting around naps, solids and the other DCs needs, but he is taking a bit more in definitely and that may be aiding the evening longer stretches that kicked in a couple of weeks ago. Both my other two had a night feed until about 9-10 months (one needed it around 11pm and one went through until 4am-5am) so I don't expect a full 12 hours but an 11-5 or 6 would be amazing! IIRC both were doing about 5-6 hours in a stretch around now (so my milk can definitely sustain other babies that long, if not necessarily this one!) so we might possibly get to an 11-6 soon. Will see how we get on with a 4-5 hour stretch then push it out if the general principle works. If it doesn't then I'll try complete cold turkey.

Piffyonarockbun, I'll look at that - I think he needs some sort of comfort thing rather than a wide open cot. The buggy (which he has just drifted off in quite happily without me taking him anywhere!) is much more enclosed and cosy.

I googled Andrea Grace and came across an excellent MN thread on the technique so I am going to give that a go. It's essentially not leaving them to cry alone but not taking them out of the cot - so lots of patting, shushing, staying with them. It could be a tough few nights. Going to check DH is up for it tonight and we'll get started if so.

Also look at ' simply sleeptime' sleep consultant

This sounds so similar to where we were heading with my daughter at this age. At 6 months we started doing Pick Up Put Down for the first bed time because I was spending about three hours feeding her to sleep every night. It took two weeks of my partner doing it but it eventually worked and had a positive effect on the rest of her night's sleep. The we did the same at about 11months to finally cut out the night feeds. I would recommend it especially if your DP is on board as it's mainly up to him to do it. Neither of us wanted to use controlled crying so this seemed a good compromise. There's lots online about it. Good luck!

I completely get what you mean about not wanting to lose your only adult time! But maybe for a night or two it might just get you back up and running. I know that horrible feeling where you are counting down how little sleep you are likely to get well! Good luck if you start tonight - let us know how you get on

They do sound like twins evertonmint! Thanks for starting this thread, am going to steal some ideas from it! Our DD is now on 3 meals a day and gets plenty of breast feeds through the day, so I'm sure she's not hungry each time she wakes! Even if she just woke twice, would be a huge improvement!

Good luck :)

DH and I have talked and have a plan.

We bath the baby then I feed him fully and DH reads a story and puts him down. He then does Andrea Grace - not out of the cot but shushing, patting, cuddling etc as he sees fit. Lullabies on in the background too if needed. Until he goes to sleep. This will be the hard bit I think. I'll give him (DH!) wine and a snack before he starts!

Any evening wakings are dealt with in the same way.

Anytime he wakes after 10.30 he gets a feed. Back in cot awake, same settling process.

He then has 4 hours before I'll next feed him - so if down at 11.30 then no feed before 3.30. Any wakings beforw dealt with by settling but in cot. Goes back down awake after feed.

Anytime after 6 that he wakes, he gets curtains open and brought down for his morning feed.

I have 4 nights before I start work, one week until it starts in earnest.

Talking just now, DH and I realised that he will now settle without feeds, albeit rarely, which he wouldn't do at all 2 months ago. He settled a few times for dh last night. So he can do it and we just need to guide him to doing it more.

If it doesn't work with feeds we'll consider cold turkey.

A couple of thoughts, though every baby is different, so it's just that

-we did take DD out of her cot when she was very distressed. It didn't mean that she then needed to be cuddled to sleep. There's comforting a baby, then there's helping them to get to sleep - I think they (and you!) know the difference.

• your baby has a sleep association with feeding, not hunger. if you still feed him at intervals during the night, you run the risk that to him it will just seem that he needs to wake / cry for a certain period before he gets fed. He doesn't have a watch..... Beware training your baby to cry longer or fuss more. An alternative gentle approach to cutting night feeds is to feed right away but stop after less time, gradually reducing to one or two sucks then nothing. The advantage is that the learned hunger your baby's probably feeling gradually goes and the sleep association is more gently broken i.e they learn gradually. The disadvantage is that it takes a while, takes some energy, and then you have to go cold turkey at the end anyway
• instead of focussing so much on when you will feed him in the night, you can focus on the principle i.e. as mrsA says, what is the connection between feeding and sleep. Open up a significant gap between the two. I would probably do feed, bath, story, so that bath is his evening / nighttime cue.
• really, read Ferber!

Good luck