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Original poster

Controlled crying...

72 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 07/09/2006 18:54

DS is 2yr old and has never slept thru the night. He goes to bed without anything, just a soft toy and he falls asleep on his own. But he wakes three four times a night. I no its wrong but I have always settled him back with milk.Even this isnt settling him now. I have tried CC before but he is still screaming after an hour and its really unpleasant listening to him.
Can I have CC experiences and advice please? I have taken a month off work to sort it out!

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poppiesmum · 07/09/2006 19:17

We did cc with dd who was 7 mo at the time, so a lot younger than your lo. We had got into a habit of rocking her to sleep before every sleep (day and night), and then again when she woke in the night.

It worked a treat for us I have to say. At first we left her 5 mins before going to see her (but not picking her up), then 10 mins, then 15 etc etc. We were going back in 3 or 4 times at first, but I was surprised how quick she settled - by the end of the week, she wasn't even crying when we put her down at night. We also found that by the end of the week, she knew she was able to get herself back to sleep, so when she woke in the night, she'd cry for a bit, but then settled herself down.

I'm sure it's easier the younger they are, but if you hav a month off, that sounds like a good amount of time. It's not easy at first, as you're so used to comforting them when they cry, but do stick with it.

Also, we read that you have to stick to the same adult each time, ie, if you put ds to bed, it has to be you that goes in after the increasing time periods to see them, and vice versa if it's your partner.

'Solve your childs sleep problems' was the book that we read for advice, if it helps.

Good luck!

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 07/09/2006 19:42

Thankyou.When I tried it before when I went into him he wouldnt lay back down and screamed even more.He'd stand up with his arms out screaming. What did you do then? Should I just say sssshhhh, sleep time and pat his back ?????

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poppiesmum · 07/09/2006 20:28

It helped that dd couldn't stand up

I just went in and sat by her cot and patted her or rubbed her tummy. She didn't always stop crying, but the point of going in isn't to necessarily stop the crying, but to reassure them that you haven't abandoned them. It may be that he's still screaming when you leave the room.

It is tough, and it broke my heart to hear her cry, but it worked in a short space of time for us. You should also be encouraged that he goes to sleep on his own in the first place - so he can obviously settle himself to sleep on his own. You just need to work on breaking the habit of settling him when he wakes in the night.

Does he wake at the same time each night?

LucyandKatysMummy · 07/09/2006 20:46

Hi I'm new on Mums net and so glad I found this thread! Ive just started the controlled crying regime for the first time tonight. K cried for 30 minutes before giving in, and just fell in an exhausted sleep. I went in to her twice, reassured her, kissed her and said goodnight. I am dreading it through the night as she always wakes and always wants milk(she is 13 months) My HV told me not to reward her with milk and not to give it to her. I am thinking maybe i should go to bed and get all the kip I can. I'm so tired and at the end of my tether. I hope this technique works. and fast!

poppiesmum · 07/09/2006 20:53

Hi - just wanted to say good luck tonight. Well done for sticking with it, it does get easier honest!

The book I read likened the process to us as adults trying to go to sleep without a pillow!! We go to sleep with a pillow, so if someone took it away, it would be odd, we'd take longer to go to sleep, but eventually we'd get used to it!!! cc is basically 'training' our little darlings to go to sleep on their own, in a different way to what they're used to! (Not that knowing this made it any easier when she was screaming upstairs!)

modsaluk · 07/09/2006 20:55

We did controlled crying at about nine months, DS was always rocked , stroked etc to sleep so did not know how to go to sleep himself.

We put him in his cot awake one night and left him to cry, it broke my heart but only lasted about ten minutes, he woke about four times during the night instead of every hour but we left him for between 5 - 10 minutes depending on the cry, and by the time the five minutes come up he had usually settled himself again, if we did go in we avoided eye contact and just said bedtime darling once when we left and night night to him. We found if we talked to him or looked and smiled or something he wanted to get up and was not interested in going back to sleep.

The next night we did the same thing and he cried for around five minutes the went to sleep, and only woke about twice but again settled himself.

After the first few nights it got easier and easier and we wondered why we had not done it ages ago everyone told us to do so but we felt cruel.

But i think in this case it is CRUEL TO BE KIND.

He now is 11 months and goes in his cot around seven o clock goes to sleep and does not usually wake, if he does it is just a second or two before he goes back off.

Would definatley do this sooner rather than later.

We may have been lucky though as a friend of ours has tried this and says her DD cries until she nearly chokes, and she is too afraid to carry this on.

All the best wishes to you both now what lack of sleep can do to you.

GOOD LUCK*

LucyandKatysMummy · 07/09/2006 21:03

THANK YOU all for your words of support. I'll let you know how I go on. I hate night times as they are so lonely( partner left in May but working things out slowly hopefully!) Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Thanks again xxxx

poppiesmum · 08/09/2006 08:00

Good morning lucyandkatysmum & shatteredmum...how did it go last night?

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 08/09/2006 08:33

just on school run. back in a bit. Morning!!!

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 08/09/2006 09:22

e went to bed at as good as gold, straight to sleep on his own. Heard him crying at am and left him til, had to go in as he was screachin at the top of his voice and banging the cot.Lay him back down, said shhhh bed. He just flipped himself back up and carried on screaming. Left him til and gave him just oz of milk - failed! I cant listen to that, its not whinging or moaning. Its full on screachin and screamin.He went straight back to sleep and woke again at and I gave another 3oz. That was better than Monday night anyway. This CC doesnt work for me. He'd scream all night if I let him, he doesnt give in or even go quieter.
Any suggestions, am I doing it wrong?

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 08/09/2006 09:35

Sorry I have missed the numbers out. Number lock was on. He woke at 1, had 3oz and then 5.20am

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Catilla · 08/09/2006 10:07

One different suggestion perhaps - since my ds has been a biggish toddler, ie standing, walking and talking, I've found I have to approach things differently. Sometimes if he makes some noise, he will settle on his own. But if I need to go to him, there are two things - one is to give a quiet/cosy/familiar cuddle and he falls back to a sleepy state and wants to get back into bed. The other is to say that it's still nighttime/sleep time/dark and we should all be asleep. As he understands & speaks more this does seem to have more of an effect, especially as we say the same things at bedtime & naptime.

I have to admit I've never had serious screaming/waking but have found he "understands" about sleep/bed & talks about it. Of course if he's screaming and not listening that's harder...

What do you think he thinks he wants when he's crying? Does he want to get up & play? Or your company? The answer might help you find a better solution.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 08/09/2006 11:06

Thenks Catilla, he isnt talking yet so its hard to communicate yet. I think I have to accept that until he is old enought to talk to me it will be the same as it is now.The only thing in the world that settles him back is milk. Ive tried cuddling him in his room and in our bed, he doesnt want a cuddle, just the milk.The more I give him, the more he wakes up for it though. Vicious circle eh?

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LucyandKatysMummy · 08/09/2006 13:48

Hi Everyone!

Well I have to say I am pleasantly surprised and pleased- did CC last night started at 7.20pm, K cried so I went in 10 mins later cudled her reassured her and walked out of room- i went in again 15 mins later but this time just cuddled her- didnt speak. K was fast alseep by 8! K then woke at 12.15 This time I didnt give her eye contact(very low night light on) cuddled her but didnt lift out of her cot back to sleep in ten mins- she woke up at 3 and cried for all of 30 seconds! I finally gave her milk when she woke at 6 with lots of praise and a great big hug and kiss!! she was very proud of herself! I'm not counting my chickens yet, still got a long way to go but i slept better because she wasnt in bed with me! so i'll do it again tonight!!!

xx

LucyandKatysMummy · 08/09/2006 13:53

Hi again

By the way "shattered mum" i know about the milk thing it was hard last night but by giving the milk you are rewarding them for waking up. I just didnt take it up with me last night- it was hard believe me but my HV said (and it makes sense) CC is the hardest option but the best option long term because it teaches them also that they cant control you.I am determined to follow this through!!
(dont know where I'm getting my energy from though!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK
XX

poppiesmum · 08/09/2006 18:37

Well done lucyandkatysmum - hope things continue to go well for you.

shatteredmum - my dd was the same at first - proper screaming until her eyes puffed up! I felt awful, especially as I had never let her get into that state before, but decided that if I was ever to go out in the evening without her, I couldn't bear to think that the babysitter would have to see to her while we were out and rock her back to sleep (which sometimes took nearly an hour!).

No-one can tell you what to do with your son, but from my own experiences, cc is painful at first, but does work. As you've taken the time off work too, it seems a shame to not stick with it.

mcnab · 09/09/2006 09:23

Am so glad I found this thread, have a similar problem and lots of sympathy - you are not alone! G used to fall asleep on the breast and would go straight down at 7pm, now she doesn't. Average is 90 mins screaming before she settles and when she wakes in the night I feed her back to sleep. We generally stay with her to show she isn't abandoned but the screaming/coughing fits continue even if we pick her up until she goes back on the breast. Cuddles don't work at calming her. Think we need to give cc a proper go, have only done it for a couple of mins and then given in cos too upsetting to see her in such a state. Hubby and I having precious night out tonight and grandma babysitting - don't think she'll know what has hit her! Will start giving cc a go after that and see if there's any improvement. I think G just feels abandoned when she's put in her cot. 5am this morning I even climbed in the cot with her (big squeeze!) as I'd read this can reassure them about being there, she was calm for an hour on my breast but every time I'd move awy and try to cuddle or leave her to sleep she start off again, after an hour I was frozen and went back to bed defeated once more!
Ready to try cc. Glad to hear others have had success with this. Anyone done anything else though to overcome this?

LucyandKatysMummy · 09/09/2006 10:16

Hi everyone!

Well another success last night- only 15 mins crying initially and K woke twice and settled herself after 2-3 mins. I AM IN SHOCK ! -But very pleased she seems to be realising I mean business!. I feel so much better for taking control. It breaks my heart to leave her crying as she gets so distressed but I am determined! Mcnab- how old is your baby? My advice is this- make sure your fully prepared to try CC once you start it you cant go back(the problem will become worse)!! Have a plan and stick to it! That really is the key- Im only on day 3 and i really do feel better!

Good Luck - let us know how you go on
xx

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 09/09/2006 10:48

I didnt take the milk up with me on purpose, but after an hour and 40mins of screaming enough was enough. Dh is a plumber and has a long day so I also have that pressure. He sleeps downstairs at the minute which doesnt help us either.He has tried to settle him also but to no avail......HELP i look so rough with red, puffy eyes

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 09/09/2006 18:45

Right this is it. Tonights the night - Controlled crying. Before when I have tried this I have just completely ignored him and after an hour he is still crying. When I have gone in to him it has made the whole situation worse, he wont be settled back down.Shall I do it like that again or is it better to go into him after 5 or 10 and do what? What is the general consencus out there? Quick its nearly bedtime!!!

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 09/09/2006 19:47

Am I the only one waiting in to watch Robbie tonight? Well tonight of all nights he is not settling to sleep on his own. I went in after 10 minutes, said ssssh and put his lullaby on and left prompt. Will do that again in 10 mins.Am I on the right track, help???

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Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 09/09/2006 19:53

He went balistic. I dont think I can do it like that? It was horrible. Is it better to just leave him completely as it makes him so much worse going in?Really disheartened now.

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olatt · 09/09/2006 20:14

good luck - it really does work even though it's distressing. we didn't get any sleep at all for the first 9 months, ds never went through the night once. had to rock him to sleep for ages while he yelled, several times a night, every night. finally tried him with cc, it took a while but not as long as I expected, and it worked. he's now 16 months and unless he's ill he manages 12 hours most nights. (touch wood ...)

olatt · 09/09/2006 20:18

if i remember rightly we left it a little longer each time - it wasn't v scientific but i found i got stressed if i went in too often and i was sure he was picking up on it. don't think we ever had to leave him more than 20 mins (at the v most) as he was generally off by then. a few nights i slept in the spare room with earplugs and my dh soothed him when he woke up, which also seemed to help things along.

ANAconda · 09/09/2006 20:18

my LO is much younger than your DS, but i did "spaced soothing" with him which is similar. Leave it until he is proper distress crying (as opposed to just chuntering) and then go in, put hand on tummy and "shh" him. leave at soon as he goes quiet. leave it 1 min before you go back, do same and increase by 1 min each time up to a max of about 5 mins (though this is for babies not 2 year olds - don't know if it would be Ok to leave it longer). Really, really, really hope this works for you. Good luck and HUGS!

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