Baby only naps when held - any suggestions?

[marsup]

DS, 10 weeks today, is starting to get over his colic now, but because of the colic I have been holding him and rocking him a lot and now he won't nap anywhere except in his wilkinet if someone walks at a reasonable speed or in someone's arms - someone being either my mother or myself. My mother has extended her stay in the UK 3 times because she can see I'm not coping very well, but she'll have to go home eventually... Has anyone had this problem? any suggestions about how to get him to nap by himself, or do I have to wait until he is 6 months old to do controlled crying?

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Not sure if you have a stand for your moses basket, but rocking our baby gently really helped.

My ds did this. I found a sling very helpful for when i was happy to hold him but wanted hands free (he would sleep happily in a sling). Then i went cold turkey onto Gina Ford and just left him to cry in his cot until he went to sleep....
I did find using a sleeping bag (grobag or similar) helped a lot, seems to make them feel all snuggly and secure.
By the way, i did the crying thing at 9 weeks, not 6 months, and it doesn't seem to have done any harm. (Only effect is he now will only sleep in his sleeping bag in a bed or cot, won't fall asleep in your arms). I also didn't do the 'controlled' crying where you go in every five mins - seeing me there again made it worse. In the end i just gritted my teeth and left him to it. Screamed fo 25 minutes then went to sleep (at 7pm - day time naps took a lot longer to crack, we had a couple of 2-hour screaming sessions in place of GFs nap!).

marsup - somehting to make you chuckle....my ds was the same at this age but worse......I had to hold him but also bounce up and down repeatedly and at quite a pace to get him to sleep - even in public....did wonders for my thighs though
No advice but great sympathy1 I am sure that someone here will be able to help you.
Good luck

I must say reading about a 9 week old screaming for 25 minutes on his own brings tears to my eyes.

My advice would be: Buy a sling (for example a slingeasy: www.slingeasy.co.uk), pop the baby in it and let him sleep. This too will pass, and things will get better, but the love and care and nurture you give your baby now will be invaluable.

Sorry, changed my name for this as I know I will not make myself popular with this posting.

popsycal, wish I'd seen that bouncing ...

differentname, what's so wrong with what you're suggesting that you had to change your name?!

marsup, I don't think babies have 'bad habits' until they're a lot older than your ds. He's still adjusting to life outside the womb where everything was cosy and moving and he didn't have to ask for anything. I always opted for the soft option with dd and helped her to sleep. Around 2 months old I used to swaddle her and pat her back to help her to sleep. Rather than it causing 'bad habits' she turned into an excellent sleeper and went through the night regularly after 12 weeks or so.

Also, we found with daytime sleep that other forms of rhythm also worked. We used to play her a Cocteau Twins song that was v.lulling and she'd just lie on a cushion wrapped in a blanket and nod off.

no suggestions,as dd 11 mo still only sleeps if held (night time will sleep next to me if very gently rolled from arm to bed). Will carry on sleeping even when upsidedown on my arm while I try to do other things

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Thanks for all your comments. Miranda2, I've tried a sling indoors and it doesn't work - he only sleeps in the wilkinet if you walk quite fast and indoors in w'net or sling he wakes up and yells. also he is a very light sleeper, so it is quite a challenge sometimes to do things with him asleep - having dinner, for example: if I sit down, and get DH to put a cushion on my lap, I can then support the baby arm on the cushion and eat one-handed (with pauses for rocking and back-rubbing). This means DS's baby clothes get funny food-related stains on them, as I'm not very coordinated with one hand.
twiglett, we've tried putting him in his basket and patting to settle, then leaving him - and I'm afraid, Differentname, we ended up leaving him a whole hour there, as he yelled rather than screamed (subtle distinction, but I hope you see what I mean) and also I went in every 5-10 minutes and held his hands and talked to him and he shut up for a while then. DH and my mum want to try again tonight (this is for the 7 o'clock bedtime) but I must admit I find it very depressing and stressful.

Lailag - I wish you hadn't told me aboutyour 11 mo still sleeping only 'in arms'! I know the bit about gently rolling from arm to bed... have you tried things like controlled crying?

My Ds was similar at that age. For daytime naps, once he went to sleep I would try to get comfortable lying on the couch with him on my chest. One really does need a member of the family or a friend at this stage - I would have starved if my BF hadn't come to stay. At one time he would only go to sleep if bounced on a swiss ball and then I would very very carefully put him in his bed - sometimes I would try this several times before he didn't wake and it was very frustrating - but I think you have to try. He often went to bed at 9:30pm after his 6;30pm feed, but then he would sleep through to 3:30, and then till 7am - mostly in his own bed. I found we kept each other up if we slept together and plus I suffered with a cricked neck and headaches from the positions I held without moving for fear of waking him.

I would just do whatever works till he is at least 3 or 4 mths and then I would try really hard to put him down once he is asleep.

I wouldn't support letting him cry it out at this age although a couple of minutes (literally) might be needed for him to settle. Does he use a dummy? Once mine learnt to suck his thumb properly at 4.5 mths then he was able to get himself to sleep.

Day time naps you could try in his pram or going for a walk with the baby bjorn (and when desperate a drive in the car).

I also followed the CLBB, which I really appreciated. HTH

I wont change my name for this. I have to say I also shuddered at letting a 9 week old baby cry for 25 minutes. What does that teach them about the world??

Hmm, lots of sympathy. I must say the only way I got dd to settle for her daytime naps was to leave her to cry (but would give myself a max time limit of 5 mins, say, and would only do it when I knew she was really tired and not at all hungry) if she fell asleep in my arms she would always wake up angry when I put her down. Now she loves her cot and sleeps great. But, IMO letting babies settle themselves like this is a whole lot different from controlled crying, which i think is mainly about getting them to sleep through the night, which they need to be older for. Some people swear by the 'pick up, put down' method, but i don't know anything about this. I think whatever you do different, you need to stick with it for a while and see if it gets better. Do you think he might sleep in one of those graco electric rockers? Bit expensive, but perhaps you could borrow one and see if it worked, might give you a break.

Ohh Marsup sweetie. So sorry to hear you've had a rough time with the colic. Good news though that it's on it's way out. Just read "The Baby Whisperer" for curiosity more than anything and found it really helpful. Teaches you to read babys sleepy cues and stages of sleep etc. She doesn't teach controlled crying as such but says that some babes need a little grizzle before dropping off. She teaches the sh sh shing and patting without picking up if possible which I thought wouldn't work with Jake but gave it a go anyway and whalaa! Be prepared to do it heaps of times for a few days but eventually he'll get the gist. Give it a read - can't hurt. Good luck darlin

We've just left him for 1 hour 17 minutes exactly, with me going in from time to time to sooth him; he certainly wasn't hungry as he had eaten not long before. He wasn't screaming, but crying and in between sobbing (not much louder than me in the room next door) and now he has been silent for 6 minutes... I know it is awful to leave such a small baby, but this isn't controlled crying to skip a night feed - I'm more than happyto feed at night; it is just that he needs to learn to get to sleep.

Marsup
A baby as young as yours who is left for that amount of time thinks it has been abandoned. To a tiny baby survival is a basic instinct and to survive he needs food and comfort. I'm afraid all you are teaching him is that mum doesnt care enough about him to come to him when he cries. As a result you are in a virtual circle. He will only go to sleep when he is in a sling because it is the only time he is assured that he is not going to be abandoned.

I think the idea of leaving a 10 week old baby to cry, grumble or whatever for over an hour is horrific! And indeed bordering on abuse. And TBH if it is your mum that is spouting this nonsense about leaving him to cry then the sooner you pack her off home the better.

Your baby will only be this tiny for a very short period of time and right now he needs your comfort and to feel close to you. It wont always be like this but for now it is. You need to just accept that this is what babies are like.

If collic really is the problem then get one of the collic reliefs like infacol. There have a building up effect and so need to be given before every feed for about 10 - 14 days before they start to get the maximum benefit.

I havent changed my name for this and am prepared to take the flack. I do really feel that strongly about this.

Try a dummy, we took DS2 away when he was about 4/5 months - he didn't seem to mind at all.

Also white noise did wonders for DS2 - I used to put him to sleep in his chair infront of the tumble dryer. At nine months the sound of it still calms him and he sometimes still falls asleep in my arms if I'm trying to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night.

It will get better, just use every trick you can find, you can worry about routines etc... later, nothing that you do now is set in stone.

I too have no problems about taking flak for this and agree with everything jmg says.

Babies need love and comfort just as much as they need food. To deny them this at this age for such a long time is neglet. I cant honestly see how it can be anything else. Your baby is crying for you to hold it and to be close to you. Is it really that hard to do this? CC is for older children and certainly is not about leaving them to cry for over an hour.
I really dont know what else to say...

Agree 100% with jmg and hercules. Your baby is 10 WEEKS OLD ;( he CANNOT "learn" yet what you want to "teach" him. If you leave him it means to him that he is alone forever, he doesn't know that you will come back, and he won't know for months. And to be alone forever means DEATH for a small baby. If you must, do controlled crying at six months, but until then be there for him, it is essential for his mental wellbeing and for the bond between you.

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marsup, have you tried rocking him to sleep in his pram? neither of my DSs was any cop at getting themselves off to sleep for daytime naps at 10 weeks, but they would both sleep if rocked in the pram, although it could take quite a long time to get them over (especially DS2)

Haven't read all the posts .... finding it hard to focus
Baby has been in your tummy for 9 months .... 10 weeks out of it and it's a big bad world ....

SO long as baby sleeps and you get your "stuff" done ... the you are all happy ... how you acheive that is your decision...

I'd go for lots of contact ... lots of hands on love and .... lots of dust !!

Good Luck

The controlled crying will just have to wait .... BUT don't blast it ... I did it and it's the miracle cure .... but not at your stage.
HUGS

pram or pushchair and just push back and for at a steady pace that useually works when there tired

Honestly speaking, I started with Gina Ford routines at 5 weeks, the first night he cried 10 min, the second 7, third 5 and since then he goes happily to bed. Many of our friends were very judgemental about it, and we had somebody who even said that she will never dare to do such a horrible thing to her baby, however... our baby cried a total of 22 minutes in three consecutive nights, hers was still waking up two-three times per night at 18m. At the end, I believe her baby has cried far more than ours when going to sleep as she continues to cry everytime that she is put on her cot even after all this time.

Until six months, for a baby "out of view" means "out of mind", separation anxiety doesn't start until 8-9 months, she doesn't cry for you, cries because she misses the routine of being rocked to sleep. If she were used to go to sleep at her cot, she would cry if you try to rock her to sleep. Mine did that, he got to love his cot and the little conversations we had before going to bed and he goes beserk if rocked when he is trying to go to sleep.

Do what suits you better, some people are very happy without rutines, others do need them to keep their lives in order. Find the one that you preffer and follow it through.

Good luck, whatever you decide

OK ladies, personally I do think you're right. He stayed silent for 20 mins last night, while I got ready for bed (yes, I do go to bed at 9ish these days and yes, I do sleep with him - not in the family bed but in a single bed in his room, while he sleeps on me). Then I went in and realised that he was lying there quietly with his eyes wide open. So I'm not doing that again (though DH and my mother think I should). However something has to change, because he is actually getting worse; it's not just a matter of rocking him to sleep in our arms now, it is taking longer and longer and he is kicking more and more furiously while we do it. I think we need to try putting him down in his basket with a dummy and patting his back when he is kicking aggressively, and then picking him up and comforting him for as long as he does seem comforted by us. It is pretty hard rocking a baby who seems to be made more hyperactive and furious because of your rocking.

That sounds much better Marsup. Babies need love and attention, giving this is not spoiling them! It is impossible to spoil a child with comfort and love but possible to ruin a child by ignoring it for so long, no wonder your aby didnt bother crying for you as it had probably given up on you answering its needs.
CC is fine if done properly with an older child, this is not leaving it for long periods of time.

If I were you I'd try the dummy and do what you suggested if you really cant bear to carry etc to sleep. try looking at past threads here on sleep for ideas also as there is lots of good advice on mumsnet.

You will get there.