Shall I just lie from now on?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ranting. Sorry. Feel free to ignore

I have an 11 mo dd who wakes once or twice at night to bf.
My ds did the same. (they hate me )

With the exception of one excellent friend, It is not possible for me to mention that I am tired, or answering an enquirely about dd's sleep, without hearing about how I'd be best placed letting her CIO for a couple of nights.
This is coming from ppl who I've already explained my reasons to for not wanting to do that.
It feels so unhelpful and critical.

So I think I shall just reply to any sleep related question with "oh, she's great, goes right through from ....ooh, 7'til 7."

Are they right?

Why can't ppl just make sympathetic noises and acknowledge that some DCs don't sleep through yet?
HAve I failed at this bit of parenting?

Shit!

We've been getting this from a couple of weeks - personally I just smile and ignore them. I Tell the truth but don't moan unless I know the person well.

Tbh I think people just forget or lie about how their kids we're sometimes. Sil has spent 4 months saying her ds slept through from day 1 - drunk last week she amended that to - well he woke for a feed that's all - wtf does she think ours is waking for - tap dancing!

Thanks. It's good to hear I'm not alone.
But sorry you' not getting a great sleep.
My DS started to reliably "go through" from about 2.5.
Not sure why

I totally agree op. A 'good' baby is like a badge of honour it seems.

Why are some people so keen to persuade us all to 'be strong' and leave our dcs to CIO?! Probably the same folk who will soon (if not already) try and convince you that you shouldn't 'still' be breastfeeding.

at tap dancing though!

I've just suggested starting to lie in another thread on this board!

I'm starting to feel embarrassed to admit to our cobbled-together nights (me staggering into DD's room at 4am to scoop her out of cot and into our bed before her little snuffly cries become wide awake chatter and she's awake for the day...)

I either get told to let her CIO (no, thank you very much) and implied criticism that I'm a wimp for not doing so OR I get pitying looks and shocked 'SURELY she's sleeping better than that?! How do you cope?' Which is somehow even worse.

I've started to let other people's views make me feel such a failure.

DH keeps reminding me: DD is happy, sociable, confident. I most be doing something right etc etc.

But I secretly feel like I'm a bit of a pariah amongst everyone I know because none of them (apparently) can understand what I'm doing so wrong or how I'm putting up with it.

The 'good baby' thing is very hard to shake off. To me DD is the most perfect and incredible baby in the world but I hate feeling as if she (and I) is judged only on her (godawful) ability to sttn.

So yep. Maybe lying is the way forward. :)

Also, hi AmandaClarke, I think I recognise your name from pregnancy boards!! (My DD is 10m)

I have a DD who still on a very good night only wakes for one Breastfeed a night. My eldest stopped a middle of night feed at about a year but still woke for teeth etc until about 18 months-2 years. Most of my friends are the same .. I think it's pretty normal. People just lie

Is it really that unusual for an 11-month old to wake once or twice?!
DD did. I would stagger up to her room, give her a 5 min feed and stagger back to bed. In a weird way, it was fine. She's nearly 2 now and still naps by day and does 12.5 hours at night.

People lie and have amnesia about the first year.

emeraldgirl I really feel that criticism for not letting her CIO. I think that's the most annoying part for me tbh.

And at "tap-dancing" purple

We have never done controlled crying although I have

Oh I'm so glad I'm not alone on this - obvs not glad you're having a shitty time! You're so right - it is a badge of honour for some women, I get so tired of hearing how wonderful these women's babies are and how they're 'no trouble'.

My SIL does the same thing - she does slip up occasionally though, the truth comes out when DP speaks to BIL - it seems men are much more prepared to just be bloody honest!

Sorry posted too soon... Left them doing a tired grizzle for a bit. This is your second child so you could always say you can't leave them to cry as it would wake your other child up!

I don't blame you for lying and I'd probably lie too in your shoes. And sympathies - two of mine were horrendously bad sleepers (the other two were fine - and it was nothing to do with anything I actually did).

But - it just adds to the whole conspiracy of silence, doesn't it? I'd love to know the actual statistics of how many say 12 month old babies really do sleep through the night. It annoys me that people feel they need to lie.

Hassled - conspiracy of silence is right, and it makes me feel much better than the alternative view (which is that everyone else IN THE ENTIRE WORLD has a blissfully sleeping baby except me and a few lovely fellow sufferers on t'internet). At 4 in the morning I start to really really believe that I'm the only one!!!

And then here I was thinking about this lying thing this morning and thinking, why do people (women in partic?) feel the need to lie about this? At the same time as I'm contemplating starting to lie myself!!!! Hypocrisy! But I'm telling myself I'm lying as a last resort, to get people off my back. I think all those other people are lying because they want to prove what great parents they are

I do think people are scared to admit how little control they have? Because our lives are all very controlled until these baby things come into the equation...

Sleep deprivation will make you bitter and suspicious after a while, I think :)

NBy /(??? .

I think the thing that troubles me most is when ppl (one DSisIL, the nursery nurse at clinic) suggest that it's my fault that I'm tired because I'm not tough enough.
dSisIL said to dh yesterday "a couple of nights of letting her cry and she'll learn to go without her bf/ cuddles and amandaclarke would be less tired"
It's a constant theme. The strong implication is that my DCs are suffering because I'm tired (I am tired, but I think that's pretty normal for an oldie with two young kids no?) and I would be better off doing what she did. Because dd "won't remember".
I don't care if she can't remember. I really don't thin it would be good to leave her crying without going o her.

Ok, and breathe.

Point emeraldgirl I am coming to terms with a ing no control

AmandaClarke, yep, 100% it's the implication that not doing CC means you're some kind of fluffy, martyrish wimp. (got no problem with people doing it btw if it suits them and their baby, but I would never presume to tell someone who'd tried CC that their choice was wrong/foolish/silly parenting etc etc)

I know my baby (and myself) and I KNOW that CC is absolutely cateogorically wrong for both of us (she's the high-needs kind of baby who WILL scream herself to the point of sickness if she needs to; I'm the high-needs kind of mother :) who cannot stand listening to my baby cry for me and not going to her)

Thing is I've heard other babies cry (not at night, obviously) and it's often just a little grizzle - one friend of mine with twins says "oh, they're being so difficult today" when they make the kind of low-level grizzle that DD makes if she's slightly bored about 50 times a day Same friend stares at DD in utter bewilderment when she hears her throw back her head and HOWL for whatever reason it might be - and I honestly think some people just have no idea how loudly and passionately some babies can cry. It's like people - some get terribly upset over things that other people take in their stride. So the idea that you can just leave any baby to cry and they will all react the same way (quietly going to sleep after a few nights of it) just seems very odd to me. Hence why I don't offer parenting advice to anyone about their babies - I've got no idea what anyone's baby is like but my own.

Sorry - joining in the rantiness :)

I too have a SiL Amanda who pronounces on such things - and even when she doesnt actually pronounce she makes her feelings very clear.

I also have a old friend (not seen her that much since having my baby, as it happens...) who told me that DD 'will be totally out of control and badly behaved as a toddler' unless I left her to cry and that 'she has to learn that if she cries you won't go to her'.

hence my rantiness on this subject.

Thanks for the thread, feeling a bit better now!!!

Lie!! Although there will be loads more in your position than will admit it.....

DS1 didn't reliably sleep through until 2, DS2 is in our bed most nights and he's 3.10! He didn't stop night feeds til he was 3 either.

I went out with a group of 8 of the pre-school mums and after a few wines it emerged that out of all of us only 2 had 3 year olds who slept all night, the rest were up and down or bed sharing!!

I totally get the frustration at being told to CIO or CC though, I get it and despite me trying diplomatically to explain why thats not an option some people never let up.

Yes i think i will just lie when people ask how it's going.
"Great thanks. Babyclarke sleeps right through now. Lucky me"

Rant away.

It's so true about everyone being different too. I
Even grizzling irks me. I can't hear my Dcs upset and not try to help. I know that makes some ppl think i'ma. Wimp and they're spoiled.
but they're so small. I can't do it.

I'm also not convinced it's always successful tbh.

AmandaClarke - "Great thanks. Babyclarke sleeps right through now" while disguising yawns as delighted gasps at your own good fortune, and hiding eyebags beneath huge sunglasses :) :)

Will join you in this deception!!!

Alternative approach (which am waaaaaaaaaay too genuinely wimpy to try myself): "Great thanks. Babyclarke sleeps appallingly but I've heard that it's a sign of phenomenal intelligence. Nice that your baby sleeps well though."

Like I say, sleep deprivation is making me bitter. Plus I've genuinely had enough of being told how 'silly' I'm being.

I lie about DS now who at almost 18mo needs a lot of reassurance/help to fall asleep at bedtime and often wakes in the night and will need patting etc to go back to sleep. I no longer bfeed at night but I did til 14mo and I lied about it then. I still bfeed at bedtime and I think my friends assume I've given up and my mother was surprised the other day to find I still did.

I'm proud that I still bfeed and that I survived those interrupted nights for so long. I lie because it's easier than having a conversation with someone who doesn't see things the same way as you. I think DS will always be a child who needs a little extra help at bedtime and that's just the way he is. I'll take it if it comes with all his other wonderfulness :-)

I only tell the truth to friends I know are going through the same thing - although one of them has a DC who is now sleeping through and fortunately doesn't mind when I say 'yeah, kind of hate you right now' - especially has she has no magic formula because it just happened one night. Mind you DD has been known to sleep through before whereas friend's DC hadn't ever, so it's hard to be churlish.

Everyone else gets 'oh yes, everything's fine'. Especially my mother.

Don't lie, it makes people with babies who never sleep feel like shit parents

I tell anyone who will listen how shit our sleep is. Our 16 week DD feeds every 2 or 3 hours even at night. It's utterly hideous.

If more people told the truth, maybe women would be more prepared when they have children.