Night feeds- can someone please help us work out a sensible rota?!

[Cookethenook]

I'm currently tearing my hair out with dp. Our 9 week old wakes every 3 hours for a feed, which is fine, but dp is expecting me to do all of them and I just can't physically do it! Entertaining ds1 (7) and ds2 all day is near impossible for me if I do all of the night feeds every day.

I do appreciate that he has to work, but even if he just did one a night, early or late, I would just feel so much better. Even when he does do it, I'm made to feel really guilty. The funny thing is that I'm on maternity leave from childminding, so I'm not sure how he thinks what I'm doing atm during the day differs from my actual day job!

Before I went to bed last night, I asked him if he could perhaps do the first one at about 12, and I'd do all the rest. Yep, fine, he said. Anyway, come midnight, I had to wake him as he wasn't responding to ds2's crys, remind him that he'd said he'd do it and then listened to him stomp around like a stroppy teenager complaining about how awake DS was. I was then the one that had to change ds's explosive nappy after the feed as he'd 'just gone back to bed' and give DS the rest of his bottle as dp had given up after 3oz.... Argh!

Any suggestions on how we could come to an amicable agreement would be amazing.

My DH will generally cover one night at the weekend, when he doesn't have work.
If he's less helpful at night, can he take the kids out in the day at the weekend so you can just have baby and at least have a snooze on the sofa when the baby naps?

Have to add for me, DH would step in to do a night feed when I'm too completely exhausted, but would then always fall asleep on the sofa with the baby, so I stopped trusting him to do them!!!

I'm BFing so DH can't help feed the baby but what we do which sounds like it might be helpful for you too is that DD2 (the baby) is my responsibility at night and DD1 is his responsibility so he automatically deals with all her night wakes. This seems to be working well for us so far. Also we try that one day at the weekend he looks after them both for a couple of hours so I can get a nap.

I'm not sure how you can come to an amicable agreement with someone who clearly doesn't think it's his job, or that he should have to put himself out in any way.

I mean, if he can't be arsed to give a whole bottle, or change a nappy, then he's not sticking to your current agreement, which is more than fair really. Presumably DS2 is his son, so why he thinks he gets to opt out of the inconvenient parts of parenting is beyond me. Oh, wait, no it isn't - he's selfish.

I mean, sorry. But come the fuck on. He won't do one wake-up, even on weekends? With a bottle-fed baby? What possible excuse could he actually have for that?

Um, kind of agree with Tortoise actually, sorry.

The only option I can think of (which is what we did some of the time) is that your DP shares a room with DS until 1am, and you sleep somewhere else with ear plugs in. That means DP has no option but to deal with DS up to 1am. That won't work if DP can sleep through DS crying though...

That's rubbish. DS was ebf and a bottle refuser so I had to deal with all night wakings, however for the first month DH would get up with me to help. After I'd got things established I told him to rest, but that I reserved the right to at any time wake him up to help me/make a cup of tea etc. DS is a pfb though, so I didn't have another child to look after. Can he do a dream feed so you can go to bed early? I do think he's being a bit of an arse though....

What time does DH go to bed? Can he give a bottle at say 11 instead of midnight, before he goes to bed so he won't be asleep?

I do think he's being a bit rubbish. When I was BF my DH would give a bottle of formula at half elevenish on his way to bed. I would go to bed much earlier to have some sleep.

My husband gives a bottle at 11 or so and I do all the night waking until 6, then he takes over again.

Agree sounds crap. You will run yourself into the ground if you carry on solo. Disturbed sleep is just part and parcel of having young kids for both parents.

Definitely no excuse if bottle feeding. Ds was bfed but dh still did his fair share. We take it in turns to have lie ins at the weekends, as well as sharing mid week wake ups. Hope he pulls his weight...

I did Sun-Thur, with DH doing the 11pm and he did Fri and Sat with me doing the 11pm feed. I would go to bed at 9 on weeknights so would generally get from 9pm-2/3am undisturbed which was enough to get by on.

My ds is 13weeks we feed him at about 10.30pm then he wakes at between 4-5am for another feed and then up at 6.30 when dp's alarm goes off!
On a fri or a sat night dps choice dp does everything and I get to lie beside them pretending to sleep and I don't get up until at least 9am (late for me!)
Or if dp is feeling the need for a weekend of lie ins he'll do both weekend nights 4-5am feeding and I get up and go downstairs as soon as ds wakes in the mornings which suits me better as I'm an early riser and find it hard getting back to sleep after waking.
Any holidays or extra days off dp will usually do the middle of the night feeding and get up in morning letting him lie on.
This is what we have found works for us best and often we are both up in the night if ds is having a bad night.
I find having 1 night in the week that I no I'm not 'on duty' for my ds helps get me through the other 6 nights.
Fwiw my dp loves his sleep before ds he wud have been in bed at 10pm every night and asleep by 10.10pm! With a baby comes change which he's slowly realised! HTH