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Sleep

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Original poster

Doing controlled crying now - DD seems to have more stamina than me...

132 replies

babybouncer · 28/10/2012 20:22

DD is now 7 months old and given that she has only been sleeping for about 45-90 mins at a time during the night for the past week or so (she's never been a great sleeper - always woken two or three times a night) and feeding her back to sleep has been taking longer and longer, we've decided to try controlled crying. We started at 7 and fully expected it to take and hour, but its now 8:20 and she isn't giving up. She had a big dinner, a couple of ounces of formula and a full breastfeed. The room is not too hot or too cold. Does it just take this long? It's so much hard than I thought it would be...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wallison · 29/10/2012 22:52

I don't think it's particularly good for anyone. Surely all that the baby learns is that when s/he cries she is ignored?

SofiaAmes · 30/10/2012 03:28

babybouncer, your tone was uncalled for....I offered some help and suggestions in support of your approach and you rudely (and inaccurately) dismissed my post as irrelevant. It's been awhile, but your description of cc seems to be what I did as instructed by Dr. Ferber's book. Perhaps you haven't read the book and are going on misinformation? I hope you find some way to get your child to sleep and therefore get some yourself and then are able to treat those around you a little more politely.

Fairylea · 30/10/2012 05:38

I think there's a massive difference between using cc on a younger baby and an older one (I think about 7-8 months is the bare minimum when they begin to understand really... 12 months ish even better)..

I'm frequently shocked and annoyed by how many people post on parenting forums talking about sleep training a very young baby ... only on netmums at the moment there's someone posting about her 10 week old baby waking up at 3am and despite her "keeping replacing the dummy" the baby is unsettled till 6am and then won't sleep till 10am!!! Things like that make me angry... the baby probably just wants a feed! And maybe to actually get up at 6am!

I think new parents often have very unrealistic expectations of sleep in the first 12 months with a baby. Some of this is socially fuelled... everyone is proud to say "my baby slept through" ..why ?! Why is it some sort of badge of honor? .. and I really do think it's seen that way, along with the way parents seem to compete with how early their baby walks talks and everything else !

Maybe if we all stopped expecting babies to sleep through and seeing it as a unusual if they do from a young age we might find it all a bit easier.

I have two dc and my youngest goes to bed every night at 6pm and wakes up to start the day every day at 4am!! I'm not stressing over it, he will sleep later in time. Putting him to bed later doesn't make any difference..just more grump!

We've been up listening to music tv since 4am today... yawn :)

FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat · 30/10/2012 06:26

6 years of sleepless nights here so I don't think 12 months is unachievable, to say least. 7 months and crying for hours is abhorrent IMO

FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat · 30/10/2012 06:28

Sorry, bit direct there

FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat · 30/10/2012 07:00

Sorry, to put things in a more supportive way, can you take turns with getting up and claw sleep back when she naps just for a bit longer OP? I thinki sounds like it isn't working for you or her and maybe it might when she is a bit older.

You do intact have my sympathy on lack of sleep and end of tether feeling, it's just there are other ways to manage while they are tiny IMO. (I was cranky when got up earlier)

Fairylea · 30/10/2012 07:01

I agree with Fangs. Sounds more stressful doing the controlled crying than it would just to go with the flow a bit longer...

EdsRedeemingQualities · 30/10/2012 07:11

Dylan I really hope I didn't make things worse. Hope you manage to get her to sleep soon x

JollyJackOLantern · 30/10/2012 07:27

We did cc at 7mo for various reasons. Ds now sleeps very well. The most important thing is to stick with it. Remember if you give up then you have made your baby cry for no reason.

Also

JollyJackOLantern · 30/10/2012 07:28

Posted too early.

Also, if they were perfectly happy and healthy earlier in the day it is extremely unlikely that they will develop illness/teething pains the second you put them in bed.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 30/10/2012 07:36

We did CC with DD (I like that!) at about 9 months. First night she cried for an hour and a half (and I mean SCREAMED) which was hard to hear, but DH and I were totally on the same page with it and backed each other up.

Next night was about 45 mins, third night about 20, IIRC, then she's slept very well ever since.

It was no good going in to try to settle her, it just worked her up more that she wasn't getting what she wanted (boob). Just had to let her cry.

DD is now nearly 3, confident, intelligent, affectionate, happy and a good sleeper.

Stick with it OP. Good luck.

EdsRedeemingQualities · 30/10/2012 07:44

Yes but if you keep going and it still doesn't work, you've made them cry for even longer with no reason!

That's notwithstanding...you can look at it either way. I remember trying to get ds2 to sleep without breastfeeding him, when he was about 1 and a half. I carried him around for ages, gave him a cup, and a bottle and sang to him and took him outside and everything I could think of. But it was no good - he couldn't understand why he couldn't have my breast any more.

I gave up after a while and kept feeding him till he was 4. It just wasn't worth it. But at the time I was getting repeated mastitis and was on heavy antibiotics for something else as well, caused by the first lot of antibiotics, and I was falling apart (and on my own.)

It would have been nice to stop but it just didn't work out that way. You have to make a decision and it is really hard to know sometimes what is the right one. I think I went for short term!

EdsRedeemingQualities · 30/10/2012 07:46

Not - I think that's technically known as CIO (crying it out) rather than CC.

CC involves going in from time to time, not just leaving them to cry.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 30/10/2012 09:06

Yeah, knew there was a different name for it, couldn't think what people called it. Thanks.

Wallison · 30/10/2012 11:09

I can think of other words I would use about letting a baby scream for an hour and a half ...

Notafoodbabyanymore · 30/10/2012 13:58

I'm sure you could. I could think of many words I would use for allowing children and infants to develop bad habits and dictate how a whole household is run.

The fact is that my DD is absolutely fine. Happy, healthy, confident, clever, loving and independent.

I didn't comment on this thread to enter into an argument about CC (or CIO). Nor do I feel so insecure about my parenting that I am worried about being criticised by someone who doesn't know me or my family.

I commented to offer my support to the OP and answer her question.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 30/10/2012 14:00

I'm sure you could. I could think of many words I would use for allowing children and infants to develop bad habits and dictate how a whole household is run.

The fact is that my DD is absolutely fine. Happy, healthy, confident, clever, loving and independent.

I commented to offer my support to the OP and answer her question.

drjohnsonscat · 30/10/2012 14:17

Some hilariously overwrought posts on here about babies feigning death. There are probably studies that show that babies shouldn't be left to cry for hours but it all reminds me of the research about how eye contact with your baby helps with attachment. True I'm sure but it leads to lots of loving and decent parents eyeballing their babies for hours on end because that's what the study said! Meanwhile neglectful parents carry on as before.

Those of us who were allowed to CC (most people of my age I should imagine - I'm in my 40s) and my children (6 and 3) can only go by their own experience. Does it seem to help the child to sleep through? In my case the answer was yes (I think I tried it with my son who was a horrible sleeper at about 9 months - I actually had to do it several times several months apart because things would get better and then get worse again due to illness). Does my child seem harmed as a result? No.

It's all about context isn't it? Is your child attached and bonded and in a loving environment? If yes then you probably can give CC a go if you want to. If not, because of some awful abandonment issue, then maybe not. But leaving an otherwise happy child to CC for a few nights in a controlled fashion is not going to suddenly create a massive attachment problem.

I do think there are some sensible posts on here that say, if it's not appearing to help then stop and try again in a few weeks' time (and actually that advice applies to almost any parenting challenge ever, from potty training to weaning). But the overwrought stuff is silly. Feel free to come and do a study on me and my siblings and my children to see if we have suffered some sort of attachment disorder

seeker · 30/10/2012 14:22

Correction. There is one post about babies feigning death......

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 30/10/2012 14:24

I would love my 16 month old to sleep through, in his own cot/bed and in his own room but he loves cuddling up to me and sleeps in my bed with me. He tosses and turns all night and wakes up long enough for me to poke his bottle of water in his mouth before dozing back off. He wakes up as soon as I try and move out of the bed so I am in bed at 7.30pm. Also he will only map during the day of we go up to bed and I stay with him.

I need to get him in a proper sleep pattern as ds4 will be born in 12 weeks!

But I'm not sure how to start. I wouldn't/couldn't leave him to cry. He just wants a cuddle from his mummy.

Are there any other 'methods' that are kinder or is it a case of waiting it out?

EdsRedeemingQualities · 30/10/2012 14:29

'I could think of many words I would use for allowing children and infants to develop bad habits and dictate how a whole household is run. '

Look not wanting to enter into an argument either, but a crying baby isn't a baby with 'bad habits', it's a baby who needs comforting. I think the mums doing CC realise that.

Crying it out is something I can't ever feel is Ok, personally, and I don't see comforting a baby as giving it 'power' over the entire household either. That's just silly.

But I'm glad your child seems Ok despite the CIO. That's reassuring.

EdsRedeemingQualities · 30/10/2012 14:32

Alsowhile it's questionable whether it does any tangible harm, it's far from clear that CIO does any good. You can't prove it either way and in the light of that, I'd rather steer on the side of my instinct than do something that is so bloody difficult.

But each to their own and you may well be a better parent than me, in all sorts of ways. It's just, well, it makes me sad.

Fairylea · 30/10/2012 14:34

But a baby does control the house.. or it should as its the most vulnerable member of the family and it's needs should come first.

I'm not anti controlled crying (I am anti crying it out though) but I think it's quite sad if people are saying they don't want their family life centered around the baby because to me they aren't little very long at all so surely you put them at the heart of everything and what you do ...

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 30/10/2012 14:38

Don't bother wasting your sadness on my dd eds, she's fine. And cc wasn't that hard. Spending hours trying to settle/resettle her or sharing a bed and getting hardly any sleep, that was hard. And pointless ultimately, she wasn't any happier.

Dinosaurs - we did the wimps version of cc - leaving her for 2 and then 3 minute intervals, no longer. It still worked, and in 2 nights. That might still be intolerable for you, but wanted to suggest it.

SamSmalaidh · 30/10/2012 14:38

Putting a baby's needs first does not mean they control the house - I was always in control, I made the decisions after considering the baby's and everyone else's needs.

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