Coping with long term sleep deprivation. What do you do to cope?

[PavlovtheCat]

Obviously apart from trying to resolve the cause of sleep deprivation. I am working on that, well, honestly not right this second as I have absolutely no idea any more how to fix it. As, well frankly I am too goddamm tired to figure it out.

How do you cope? what strategies do you put in place to enable you to function without going mad. Is it possible to have any kind of existence once you have used all the spare energy on children, eating, working?

I am struggling in particular with:
*Purple bags under my eyes. They are very ugly and I try to wear my glasses to hide my face. It seems like they will never go.
*Tired, ever so slightly yellow eyes - optician said this is due to dry eyes, common with sleep deprivation
Hurting eyes, slight almost constant headache - feels like my eyes are permently being pulled out of my eyesockets and stretched as far as they can
*horrid dry pasty skin - sallow, old looking, spotty.
*hair thinning - a symptom i think, of lack of sleep
*Loss of patience. I am ever so snappy and my poor lovely wonderful happy children are bearing the brunt of it. I told my DD off the other day for not writing properly. She did a swirly wirly 'B' in the middle of her name and I was very cross about her not doing it 'right'.
*Arguments with DH. Struggling to agree on the most simple things, esp around the causes of sleep deprivation. Lots of competition about who is most sleep deprived and who is most deserving of a lie-in. over-shadows pretty much everything right now.
*Zero energy to do anything in the evening, and sometimes in the day. And not wanting to go to bed as all i do is think about sleeping and am fed up of having no life. I struggle to be able to muster the energy to do more than veg in front of cbeebies.
*Over-sensitive.

Tips on how you cope would be good. Please.

Quick post. Make sure you are getting enough vitamins, especially vit B, Berocca or similar very good.

and it WILL get better, have been there, thought i'd never see the light, but most nights now children sleeping through and to a reasonable time the next day (6am long lie in our house!)

dd2's sleeping pattern has not responded to any sleep training. I have been pretty tough, but she is like some sort of highly trained commando, and nothing will break her.

when things get really rotten (brain going fuzzy at work, worrying about being safe to drive), I get a few proper early nights ie 8.30-9pm. I can't go any earlier as I need time to get ready for work and school, but otherwise would.

I take vitamins - spatone iron, zinc and a multivit. it's probably just the placebo effect, but I do feel better for it. I try to avoid caffeine, as that just drains me more in the long term. I'm still knackered, but bit better for the above.

Seriously, as others have said, go to bed early.
My kids are 7 and 2 year old twins. 1 night a week I put the twins to bed at 7.45 and have the 7 year old in bed with me at 8pm. (the rest of the week I put the kids to bed and rush round the house trying to make it look vaguely reasonable!)
That 1 night a week means I can get through the rest of the week. Its been like this since the twins started sleeping through at about 14 months.

Also remember (as earlyriser says) it will get better. honest!

Pavlov, this is awful for you. I have been a chronically poor sleeper since childhood. Youngest child is now 17, so no being woken up by a LO in the night. I sleep for approx 4 hours, wake and then cannot sleep again. I adopt a positive spin and see these hours as extra time to get things done e.g. reading, ironing, admin, going on Mumsnet etc. Periodically I become so tired that I feel dizzy and don't drive on those days. I do become irritable but just try not to let it phaze me. I use a lot of concealer. I realise that having LOs to care for menas you really do need your sleep. Camper's is a possible solution - think about what you need now Highly sympathetic emoticon

In answer to your question, you do what you have to do. Co sleep if you feel it will help. Try and just switch off your brain whenever you have the chance. Even a nap for a few minutes may help you get through the day. Make sure you eat well.
I have a severely autistic child who is 10 and up until very recently never slept. My day would regually start at 2.30 am. I don't work though so the priority was dh got the sleep at night and I would try and get a nap during the day if he was at school.
I feel your pain though, prolonged sleep deprivation is torture Hpefully it will improve for you but that is very difficult to even think about when you are so caught up in it. :(

My four year old dd has been a horrendous sleeper,and although she does now sleep through in the main,we still have patches where she wakes and has night tantrums (every night this week,,argghh).I could have written your list,in fact until I read the dry eyes,thinning hair bit I hadn't even thught that they could have been down to my lack of sleep.At one point I sounded either very stupid or slightly drunk as I would mix words up and get names wrong. I am still rather shattered,not helped by being an older mother in my forties. I feel massively better now she isn't waking six times a night though! I deeply sympathise with you.

I know you said you'd had a blood test recently, but you could ask for another one. I spent the first yr of my daughters life thinking I was going mad. Memory loss, depression, dry skin, hair coming out. Everyone seems to think I should just except that I'd just had a baby and that's the way things are.
Just been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, despite having several blood tests before. Meds make me feel a little better.

Now, if I could just teach 17months old DD that it is okay to sleep through............ (Not had a night of uninterupted sleep since about halfway through my pregnancy :( )

I went to bed early last night. Boy it is a good job I did. DS woke at 3:50am took him quietly and quickly into my (ahem, our) bed and he wanted a drink, but was settling, so I asked DH if he could get it, as DS would try to follow me and wake up more, DH stupidly looked at the time and announced very loudly 'what the FUCK? it is 3:50am, the middle of the fucking night...' i had been very bloody reasonable by asking nicely, calmly and quietly, and he blew it by raising his voice and stomping downstairs, thus waking DS up more, and also DD. Nice one DH.

So, DS was awake, DD went back to sleep, and DS was awake until 5:30am when he then dozed for 20 mins. He did however have a peek out the window at 5:10am when the neighbour revved his bike, waved at him, and funnily enough the neighbour only stayed ticking it for 5 mins max before driving off!

Both kids up and rearing to go at 6am while I sat at the breakfast tanle zombified, after having a good cry when DS accidentily headbutted me in the mouth. I sobbed, and he laughed.

4am is such a lonely horrible hour isn't it?

Anyway, he had runny poo with childminder and was off his food so maybe there is an explanation (other than DH).

DH did apologise, eventually, after I got both kids ready for school/childminders drive him to work at 7:15am, then back to quickly shower myself and out the house by 8:20am for school run, then to work for 9:30am-2:50pm back to school for 3pm for DS while DD did dance class, shops with DS, back to school, then across town to collect DH from work, back home cooked tea, did some bills. I said nothing to him (not quite silent treatment though) and he realised he needs to be more supportive, esp at night time.

mrsbonkera my GP is so unsympathetic to my tiredness that I dare not go back!

slow what is campers?

suckitandsee and earlyriser i think I should take some vitamins, I am not eating as well as I could as I have no energy to eat much, I skip too many meals because I just can't get sorted to do myself lunch for work, and I sit there staring at toast in the mnorning. When I have more energy I want to eat more, and think about healthy food. Now I just grap a bar of chocolate and packet of crisps, or eat bread and peanut butter. DH cooks most of our meals normally but his new work means this is harder for him to do, but he is trying to keep on top of that.

I am off to bed right now. I am sleeping on the sofa as DH has a lads night tonight (no alcohol, just catching up and moaning about wives playing cards/computer etc, but he will be home after 11pm. He could do the sofa but I am ok on it and he does not sleep well, and this way I can get DS without waking up the family and try to get him quickly this time

Wow epic post, a lot to say!

Berrocca & spatone (iron water) first thing every day. I heard about it from an interview with Nigella (of all people!) -but by god it helps you to cope.

I suffered like this for 3.5 years. I found seperate beds, i.e. me in with DS, and DP in a spare bed most nights helped us all to recover. It didnt affect our relationship- we were just getting through it together and it was like a life raft! It will pass- just bear with it. Good luck.

there are a few practical things you can do -

get your DH to bulk cook some healthy meals and stick them in the freezer, not eating well will make you feel worse

take vitamins

try another GP

and the last one is a bit trickier but it did help me a bit - try not to think about how little sleep you get, don't look at the clock in the night

sympathy from me, I know it's awful, just do what you have to do to get through (e.g. co-sleeping)

Go to bed with the child who wants to sleep with you. Go to bed at the same time as they do. The amount of times I flaked out on Ds2's bed, I got into the habit of taking my contraception before taking the children upstairs because there was only a 1 in 5 chance I would make it back down stairs. If your OH is getting in at midnight and you go to bed at 7 - that's great! 5 hours of solid sleep in the useful part of the night! Everything gained after that is a lie in, and therefore expendable.

Also, get an afternoon nap on the days you're not at work.

When my ds's were 4 and 1, my eldest often didn't settle until 11 pm, and the youngest didn't sleep through, and woke for the day at 4.30. I was a single parent (still am) So basically, I locked the front door, put a stair gate on the bottom of the stairs, latched the kitchen door, cleared the living room of hazards, and put cbeebies on. I piled all the duvets all over the sofas, and drew the curtains, and we had "Afternoon Quiet Time", in which they watched cbeebies for 2 hours, and I passed out on the sofa.

Because I'm Worth It.

Goodness, here I am at 5 months wondering when I will get some sleep, and by the sounds of it i'l be lucky to get it by the time shes 5, maybe if I think 7 then anything before willl be a blessing!
All these books, cranial osteopaths, acupuncturists (on me not her) muscle tapping techniques are just a waste of time and money! Lets just all go round in a state of sleep deprivation and know that one day in 7 years it hopefully will end!
Seriously dont think I can cope going through this again so LO may end up being an only child :(
Sleep deprivation is just a living nightmare, wish DP would understand how hard it is, he's just jealous that I get to spend all day looking after her and thinks I should stop moaning!

went to bed at 7:30pm last night, woken when DH came to bed at 8:30!!! but then slept almost through (woke lots but went back to sleep) until 4:50am. Felt much better than couple days ago, but still dog tired. DS fell asleep in the car (my day off today) after school run so I went to the sea, parked up, but the seat and dozed with him, i then felt very spaced so we had 1 hour of sea air and a run around to wake me up.

DS did no co-sleep well the other night but he now has a cold so was tossing and turning, this morning he dozed with me for 45 mins, but i did not as he figited all the time.

I am going to get the vits, going to bed early again tonight as DH is working til midnight, and then I should be ok tomorrow. Am drinking more water, and trying to eat better but i realised today i have little apetite. went out for breaky and had 3 slices of toast, still feel full.

sympathies to all those who have, or still are gooing through it themselves.

Dinx it is not like this with all babies i promise! DD slept through from 7 months, til 7am ish, and a bit later this changed to around 6-6:30am. So i can happen!

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and seems to be very difficult for others to understand sometimes.

To offer a speck of hope, my DS2 (who was the problem sleeper) quite suddenly (and randomly?) got lots better at about 2.4. Between the two DCs I am usually up a couple of times a night still (DS2 now 2.10), kids up around 6:30 - but so much more livable with than broken sleep with day starting at 4am, like you have now.

I would try co-sleeping - we did - easier to do this now to get sleep and then corss separate hurdle of in to own bed once he is a better sleeper. Or, can you make a little bed next to your bed (just cushions or mattress on floor) - this might suit his need to be near you while allowing you better sleep. Sleep in separate bed to DH for at least part of night or part of week. It is not forever - will seem like a long time at the time, but will fade in retrospect.

Drink lots of water. Lean on your friends for moral support during day, even if not much practical help.

brawhen my friends don;t understand. They wheel out the whole Rod thing if it gets mentioned. Except for one friend who used to do this and now experiences it herself, of sorts. Her child is up at 6:00am-6:30am, and she is a competative parent so clearly she has it very bad so no time for me. And the other two peopel iI can rely on for many things, they don;t have children and it is just too much to impose. They help enough already. I asked thenm for some help this evening but they were too busy. I get that. I felt like crap for asking, and worse when they could not help and then felt bad for not being able to help.

Funnily enough, the people have found the most supportive have been almost complete strangers. Several people from DDs school (yr1), one in particular have recognised how we are struggling (this one person in particular is really cool, sort of all gelled as afamily), she has offered to take DD to give us a break after school etc.

But. Tonight I have a temporary cure. I have wine. I know I will regret it tomorrow. But tonight, i do not care so much. I can feel my eyes pulling, you know that stretched feeling. But, i am fed up.

i have no idea what is going on. Well I do. DS has a cold, so his usual bad sleep has gone to the wall.

I stupidly stayed up til 10pm, thinking that is still 7 hours sleep. Two glasses of red (normally drink white these days, less heady the next day).

Settle into a nice toasty wine induced sleep, to be woken rudely at 11pm. And he refused to go back to sleep. Not so bad, i thought, I will manage til DH gets home at 11:30pm, midnight latest. By midnight, I had had enough. By 1am DH did not come home. I text/called and at 1:30am he came in 'sorry, we finished late ... (i thought he might, new job needs to work his arse off) ... then stayed back for a beer...' He put DS to bed. I was turse, but not as turse as I wanted to be.

I then got woken at 5am. DH was attempting to settle DS back in his cot, he was not having any of it, DH obviously not going down the 'come to bed with us' route. So I just took him to bed with me, DH on the sofa and we slept til 7am. Well he did, i dozed badly.

DH apologised to me last night after settling DS. But, it feels like we have lost all control and all ability to sort this out together.

i guess no life means no wine either... you are all literal when you say no life aren't you?

Pavlov even when I wasn't pg, I have not had much wine at all since DS arrived. Sleep deprivation plus alcohol is just hellish :( (more so than alcohol deprivation alone!!).

we find that DS will have the odd amazing night, and the odd ghastly night, with the rest of the time being pretty middling.

have you spoken to your HV about sleep btw? we had one nursery nurse in our HV team who is a 'sleep specialist' (i.e. has read a couple of books on sleep training) but she was amazingly supportive, and offered to come and visit the house and talk about sleep with us. All a bit useless really, but just knowing we had some local support was really nice. She was the one who suggested the millpond sleep clinic book to us, and I now don't hesitate to recommend it to everyone, as it was so practical and non-judgemental. I liked that it had case-studies of children of all ages who didn't sleep too!!

hope it gets better for you soon.

alas my HV is lovely, but pretty useless. I talked to her once about DSs sleep problems when he was about 9 months old (the worst time in his little life so far in terms of sleep, 4 months was awful, then 9-14 months, torture). And she was just like 'you got to just ignore him/try controlled crying' like that was it. The only, and entire solution. She was very 'aw poor you' but also very much 'you are a mum and mums are tired'.

I will take a look at that book too thank you for the suggestion. Happy to take any suggestions atm!

So DH and I have agreed to spend a couple of nights sleeping seperately so we both get a good (ish) nights sleep. He is doing another late shift today and an all day shift I think tomorrow and sunday (late fnish likely on sunday) then straight through days til the following friday with no days off. There are no ops for either to get a lie-in to make it up so we got to do it.

Gonna set the air mattress up (pumps and deflates in 1 min so easy) in the front room and I will sleep on it (it is a nice expensive comfy one so ok with that). That way, i will go to sleep at a good time and if DS wakes he will come straight in with me, onto a bed not the sofa so we can stand a chance of some sleep. DH will sleep upstairs and get a good nights sleep, and if DS wakes early I can put the TV on for him rather than trying to keep him upstairs and waking DH. If I go to bed at 9pm latest, and he sleeps through til 5am, then I get 8 hours. If he wakes before that, then I will at least be able to doze while he plays with toys.

Hopefully this way DD will get some unbroken sleep too. She told me yesterday that sometimes she closes her eyes at school as she feels sleepy. And she is trying to lie down in shops, or at the bottom of the stairs, or as soon as we get indoors! Poor little lamb.

Maybe by monday I will have some kind of sleep catchup, but I am not hopeful, just going to try to minimise the impact of where we are right now.

I know I am going to sound like an idiot as have two children and this is probably a completely different thread...but...how does co-sleeping work? Never been something I have been that keen on but everyone seems to say it is THE way to get sleep.
I have a standard size double bed which is in the middle of the room (so open on both sides, can't move it due to built in wardrobes). How do you coordinate a husband, a duvet and a 10 month old? Only way I can see is baby on top of duvet (in grobag) in between me and DH, but then where do pillows go?? I just don't get it, logistically.Am I just being a numpty?

Move your pillows to each side of bed, leaving nice space in middle. baby goes here in grobag. You sort of end up lower down bed, baby higher up.

This works if you are short! And if you are so tired you just dont care anymore.

I did find it took maybe 3-4 weeks to adjust to DS in bed, then I think our sleep synchronised and we slept really well together. At first I did wake up a lot!

Just a thought re: DH's snoring until you get a humidifier could you put some damp washing on the radiator in your room? Has a similar effect.

Sorry I don't have any other advice but I really hope you get it sorted soon. My DH is similar coming to bed late then whinging all the next day about how tired he is.

CurlyHairGirl just saw your post I don't think you're being a numpty i've been wondering the same thing since DS was born. The most we ever co-slept was when he was a newborn and i'd pop him on my chest, over the duvet in his grobag. Being a heavy baby though this didn't last long as i'd wake up feeling suffocated.

Pavlov you have my complete sympathy. I have had this problem for 11 years now.

Unfortunately I can't solve it but I can tell you what things have helped me/us.

• I co sleep with ds. Dh takes a turn now and again but usually it is me. If there is nowhere else for dh then buy an inflatable bed or a second hand mattress or something like that and set it up for him in another room. If he has had a full night's sleep then at least he is not grumpy and a nightmare to live with.

• the dcs have baby sippy cups of water by their beds and that is the only thing they get through the night. It means it is there every night if they are thirsty so no one has to get up and do that in the middle of the night and it can't be spilled on the bed.

-they both have personal cd players so if they wake early they are allowed to listen to a story on cd in bed with their eyes closed. When I am lucky they drop back off to sleep.

• I drink lots of water. I start the day on a half pint of water and drink lots as the day goes on. It helps with the dry eyes, lack of brain function etc.

• I take berrocca and iron supplements.

• I try really hard to eat as healthily as I can.

• I try to walk every day, no matter how rubbish I feel and how much I don't want to, it makes me feel better.

• I don't discuss sleep problems with people who have little or no experience of them as they don't understand how disabling it really is and offer unsympathetic, patronising and useless advice.

• I try my best to be kind to myself (difficult I understand).

Despite all this I am underslept, grumpy, look terrible etc. but these things ease the horror of it all.

You are not alone Pavlov and you have my complete sympathy.