Dh can't settle dd

7 replies

aichi · 14/07/2011 21:17

DH can't settle dd in the evenings whenever she cries. It upsets him AND gets annoyed at ME!! Whenever I pick her up or he passes her over to me she'll stop crying. He thinks its because I've got boobs...which is partially true I think.

I've always had to put dd to sleep and settle her whenever she cries in the evenings and I'm getting tired of it. I've suggested him she likes to be sang at but he'll just say 'I dont know any songs'
He's not willing to learn different ways of settling her. Basically he's been having a easy life as a parent and it annoys me.

Anyone else's dh like this? What do you suggest he/I should do??

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JoinTheDots · 15/07/2011 13:39

He has to want to try firstly... be it singing, stroking her forehead picking her up and rocking her a little, whatever, he needs to find his own methods, but he also needs to try them a few times to make them work. As long as you are sure she is not going to be hungry (assuming you are bf-ing), and you wont be stressed, you could pop out for a few hours one evening and force the issue...? Keep your mobile on so you know baby and dh are not both going to be crying on your return...

ceebs05 · 18/07/2011 20:45

We went through this - when dd would settle almost instantly with me but just cried when DH tried to settle her. I was guilty of going and taking her off him after a short while to stop her crying but this didn't help matters in the longer term. So we did a couple of nights where, as long as she wasn't hungry DH would go to her and I would just let him get on with it - not easy but after a short time she accepted being settled by him and he learned the things that worked/didn't work. If he wants to be able to settle her he needs to persevere I think.

SleepDeprivedGrumpyBum · 18/07/2011 20:54

I'm having the same problem with DS and DP doing bedtime. For me DS will go down in his cot awake and as long as he can see me he will fall asleep on his own in about 5 minutes. If DP does it he cries for over an hour. The problem being I have to go back to work next week and work evenings so DP and DS have no choice but to work it out. We've found that if i'm not in the house DS will eventually give up and go to sleep but it generally involves quite a few tears. Personally I found it easier to be out of the house, as having DS cry when i know i can settle him is very tough and DP gets frustrated when i take over.
I think you have to tough it out as ceebs says, however i also agree your DH has to want to do it and needs to be able to remain outwardly calm and in control of the situation in order to reassure your DD.

Original poster

aichi · 19/07/2011 10:12

Thanks for your advice everyone.
Dd still not well, tummy bug and severe diarrhea and wont eat much..(taking her poo sample to GP this am) so I'm giving her as much comfort just now i.e breast feed her to sleep.... DH did take her this weekend and I think they need to spend more time together without me during the day first. He did manage to send her to sleep for a nap at home this weekend. she didnt cry or fight for it either! I guess it just takes time.
I need to get her tummy bug sorted first and then maybe I should leave the house for a few hours to let dh do the bedtime.

What are your bedtime routine?
our is dinner, bath, book and breastmilk.
but we were thinking of giving her bath first and then dinner?? or have a quiet play time after the bath. We just think there's not much quiet time before bed..

OP posts:

ceebs05 · 19/07/2011 14:05

yeah not much point trying something new while she's poorly - hope she is better soon.

To answer your question about bedtime routine, ours is solid food, then in the bath, then after she gets dried she likes to roll off and practise trying to crawl around her room naked (we think she is a naturist at heart!). Then into jammies, sleeping bag and then breast feed and into cot awake (only recently have I been able to leave the room with her awake and she goes off to sleep peaefully - she's almost 10 months).

Ticklepoo · 20/07/2011 00:41

I'm going through the same issue with my DP!we argue some nights because whenever DS (6months) cries (and i don't happen to be at hand, e.g. i'm in the shower-I shower in the evenings)DP half heartedly tries to settle him. He gets bored if DS does not settle in ten mins and ends up making matters worse by bringing him into the lounge (we live in a flat and bedroom is next to lounge). He then hands over an over stimulated and extremely fractious baby to me stating that "he's hungry" even though I have fed him less than 2 hours ago.it's driving me up the wall that I feel he can't be bothered to TRY to placate our baby by rocking or shushing. He prefers to hand the baby over to me when the going gets tough....getting fed up with his 'fair-weather' fathering..,

Weissbier · 20/07/2011 22:08

It's not because you have boobs. That may be a factor at the beginning, but basically your DD wants you because you're the primary caregiver. If it was your DH who looked after her all day, she'd be crying for him. It would be good if he could grasp this as that might help him not to take it personally - a huffy DH is all you need on top of doing all the work.

As everyone says, he will be able to settle her if he perseveres but he has to want to do it and at some point - when your DD is not poorly etc - he has to see it through. The first time my DH settled DD it took over an hour, while I sat in the kitchen shaking...but now, aged 1, she has a real relationship with her father, DH can do everything for her I can and it is lovely to behold because it's his reward for being patient and determined to be involved at the beginning.

Can you think of a way of motivating your DH? He might be more upset about the situation than he lets on, some men act like they don't care or say they can't do anything when really they mind a lot. What about telling him how important fathers are to little girls, how it helps them form healthy relationships with men later, that sort of thing? DH's chest visibly puffed when I started musing on that. Or if you explain how much he would help you? Whatever you think he'd best respond to. Plus lavish praise every time they do something...it's boring to have to do because they should be getting on with it like we do anyway but you can always come and roll your eyes on Mumsnet :)

Hope your DD is feeling better soon and you can go out for a nice evening.

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