What do you wish you'd asked your mother before she died?

[JustineMumsnet]

Hi all,
I'm doing a piece for the Telegraph about a lovely book called The Mother's Book that you give to your mum to record her memories and the details of her life and yours. It prompts all the questions you'd like to ask about her upbringing and family, emotions and philosophies but that, if you're anything like me, you never get round to asking either because you're too busy or because the old stories have been trotted out too often and you can't face opening the floodgates or just because it feels inappropriate somehow. Anyway I'd love to add some Mumsnet wisdom into what we should make sure we ask before it's too late. Sorry I know it's a bit morbid for a Tues morning but we would greatly appreciate your insights.

Thanks,
JustineMumsnet

My mother is alive and im thinking of getting her this book for mothers day as there are some questions i want to know aswell, some being:

"How did you feel becoming a grandmother at a young agae and what did you really wish for me in life"

"why do you feel as if you need a man to rely on even when there bad for you"

"are you proud of me and my life or do you think i could do better?"

Am sitting here sobbing (silently so as not to wake DD sleepin in my arms) whilst reading this, so many comments from others which are 'exactly' what i am thinking, its makes me so sad and realise i do so miss her.

My mum died of breast cancer, she was 48, i was 2. Before i was married or had even met DH, before DD, in fact before my adult life had really begun.

So many things i would ask...much to do with motherhood and marraige. What was it like for you as a mum? breast or bottle? When did i crawl/walk? Since my DD was born have looked at many old photos of me and my brother, seeign similarirties between us and my DD. I would love for her to be able to comment on my DD and make coparisons, meet her ...see my mum as a grandma.
How did she feel on her wedding day? More about her early life with my Dad. You take all these things for granted and then when theyre gone its too late and theres noone left to ask.

Must stop now, have to go out shortly and at this rate will have very red eyes

i wasnt 2....... i was 20 !

Chinchi x

I am surprised how many of us are in similar situations as well WW.
Maybe its because we dont have a mum to ask all these is this normal questions to, that we are MN regulars!

I find mothers day very bitter sweet as well having been able to ignore it for 15years I now have the joy of being a mum but also have the reminder that mine is gone

My DH often wishes (among a great many other things!) that he'd asked his mum how to make meringues and choux pastry.

We lost MIL suddenly 17 months ago to a brain haemorrhage. DH, who is a fantastic cook and takes after her in this, has gradually started baking as well, as a sort of tribute to his mum, and much to the DC and my culinary delight, obviously! He has been very successful in reproducing some of her wonderful specialities eg, vanilla slices, chocolate cakes and parkin. But he can't get the meringues right, or the choux pastry.

One of her photos is stuck to the wall in the kitchen as he likes to glance, and sometimes talk to her as he bakes. At his last attempt at choux pastry she muct have been quite disgusted because the photo came off the wall and fluttered down onto the surface in front of DH!

She may have been similarly disgusted at other family members' attempts to manage without her skills. On last Christmas day, our second without her, as quite a few of the family sat down to Christmas dinner (not us; we didn't travel up there that time), SIL was moaning that she hadn't got the stuffing "like mum did it.." and a light bulb fell out of the fixture above the table, INTO the stuffing!!! MIL clearly agreed!

My mother is very much alive but we have no contact for many reasons.

I would like to ask her

Is she happy?
If she could go back, would she change anything/do anything differently?
I would like to ask why she couldn't find the strength/courage to say sorry, live by herself and stand on her own 2 feet.

Most of all

...does she miss me?

Justine - for your box of ten questions I would ask - "On which day were you happiest?" or perhaps ask her to describe her perfect day. I have no real idea what truly made my mother happy and I would like to know.

Also - "Tell me something about yourself that would surprise me" I remember finding out after she died that she could play Clair de Lune on the piano - I knew she had been "good at the piano" when she was younger, but she never played, never made time to, and I never realised she was almost concert standard.

These posts have made me teary, but in a strange way comforted.
None of my friends have lost their mothers - and a lot of them moan about their Mums and lack of babysitting/too much interference etc etc and I just want to yell at them "Be grateful they exist!". So while I'm so sorry for everyone's losses, it's been sort of nice to realise I'm far from alone and that a lot of the thoughts, questions and regrets I've had are normal and natural.
And Dosydot - see my post of 09.48 - I don't know if you have daughters or teenagers, but whatever you did it as a teenager would not have contributed and would not have stopped her loving you.

I guess this is different because my mother is alive (thank God). I can't really imagine actually asking these, but anyway:

You do know I love you, don't you?

Be honest - I am your favourite child, aren't I?

Why exactly did you think Dad was the right man for you? Was it just circumstances and stuff that drove you apart, or do you think you could never have been happy with him?

Would you really like to marry your boyfriend, or are you basically happier how things are?

sorry this is really only for those who have lost their mums isn't it.

sorry

My mum died when I was 32 and she was 56, she had breast cancer.
Questions;

1. What do you wish you'd done differently when you were rearing us?
2. Was dad really as much use as a chocolate teapot or was that just an impression you gave?
3. Did you regret marrying him?
4. Do you wish you'd been less controlling of me?
5. Was I a terrible teenager?
6. Who do my children remind you of?
7. How would you like to be remembered?
8. How do I make chocolate cake/a roast dinner/a cardigan/rice pudding like you did?
9. Do you think it'll work out if we move to New Zealand?

agree re the photos (who are they, can I chuck them out?), what do you think of all your grandchildren - there are 7 and she didn't meet my 3 at all. Why did you take me to that awful dentist? Why is it that when I write your name it looks exactly like your handwriting and not mine? (And for the others here - when your mum dies young and you are still in your teens and twenties it is lonely isn't it?)

Agree Stleger - no-one really understands except for others who have lost their mum early. I have made a good friend here at work because she also lost her mum young and she feels I'm the only person she can talk to about it.

my mum died in 2005 just before my DD was born. we didnt have a good relationship and i thought it was because she didnt love me. Since she has died i now realise she loved me TOO much! I have lists as long as my arms of things i would want to ask. So many questions about what i was like as a baby which im sure she did tell me but as a teen i didnt listen! So many blurred memories that i would love to have put right but that is never going to happen now.

Thanks so much everyone for contributing, this is such a moving and yet uplifting thread.

I really do recommend the book to anyone lucky enough to still have their mum and looking for a Mother's day gift - it's a great way of making her feel special and I think my daughters' will treasure it one day too - assuming my own mum fills it in, which as Franny says, is of course another question.

The piece is for the weekend Telegraph - hope it makes it/ doesn't get chopped too much.

Thanks again.

bit late
but I have to post.
I would ask her if she was proud of me and db.
I would ask her to tell me about when she was younger.

I would tell her I loved her and tell her how proud I was to be her daughter.

Wouldn't you do anything for a cup of tea together though?

and a hug.

Oh yes definitely.

I would ask my lovely mum:

1 am I doing ok?
2 are you proud of me?
3 am I doing a good job bringing up my dc?
4 were you happy in life?
5 what were my dbs and I like as babies/kids?
6 what was my gp's life like?
7 did she know how much I loved her?
8 did she know that I know how much she loved me?
9 does she mind that I don't get to her memorial tree as much as I should?

She died at 50 after a short illness, I was 26. In the last week of her life we talked a lot. She told me she had only 3 regrets in her whole life. One, for my older db - she would never see his ds grow up (he was 8mths old and her only gc, she now has 8gc). Two, for my other db - she would never meet his future wife. Three, for me - she would never meet my dc.

We talked at length about the dc I would eventually have. She was sure I'd have 2 ds's. She sent me away to buy 2 special teddies which she then spent the last week of her life cuddling. I was to give them to my future ds's; it was her way of giving them a teeny piece of her, a bit of continuity. And yes they are much treasured by my ds's.

So I suppose the 10th question I'd ask her is 'how come you can't count to 3?!' I've got 3 ds's, not 2. (Though I'm impressed she knew it would be boys). The final part of the story is that her sisters gave me the money to buy a special teddy for ds3 from her.

Actually, thinking about my questions, scrap them, I probably know the answers to most of them. I know I'm doing ok, yes she'd be proud of me, of course she knew how much I love her etc etc. I guess asking those questions would be to get a little piece of reassurance from her. A little piece of mother's love. The same that can be found in a cuddle, a knowing look, a stroke of the face, a wiping away of a tear, a little smile. God, how I miss all that.

Tis empowering to know though, that one day my dc will (hopefully) view me in a similar way.

Sorry. Too long. Too sentimental. Too sad.

Not too long and sentimental at all, kinki. Exactly the questions I would ask my mum who dies in an RTA 3 months ago. Am in floods of tears at the whole thread.

The two teddies are a lovely idea. I have 4 children's books my mum sent to me for my newborn dd, which arrived after she died (took a week, being sent to the other side of the world). I still can't bear to look at them or read them at them at the moment but hope that in years to come I'll be able to read them to my dd adn tell her about her lovely granny who sent them to her.

ive read and contributed to this but i thought id add something i read somewhere and at the time it didnt make me realise but now it does......when you have your mum youre always a little girl,youre always a daughter, when shes gone who tells you if its right or wrong? who can you hug whatever your age whatever your situation and know that she will do all she can to help you,when you have a mum youre safe in being loved,and when shes gone the mountains you face seem 3x bigger,thats a mums job-walking those mountains and maing them feel like hills.

i realise not every mum is like this indeed my own mum probably wasnt but some mums really are fantastic.

I have just ordered the book for my mum We are close but we clash like hell because we are so similar.. and this thread has reminded me to value her while I can.