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MNHQ

What do you wish you'd asked your mother before she died?

86 replies

JustineMumsnet · 19/02/2008 08:35

Hi all,
I'm doing a piece for the Telegraph about a lovely book called The Mother's Book that you give to your mum to record her memories and the details of her life and yours. It prompts all the questions you'd like to ask about her upbringing and family, emotions and philosophies but that, if you're anything like me, you never get round to asking either because you're too busy or because the old stories have been trotted out too often and you can't face opening the floodgates or just because it feels inappropriate somehow. Anyway I'd love to add some Mumsnet wisdom into what we should make sure we ask before it's too late. Sorry I know it's a bit morbid for a Tues morning but we would greatly appreciate your insights.

Thanks,
JustineMumsnet

OP posts:

chinchi · 19/02/2008 11:05

I lost my Mum less than 3 months ago to cancer. She was 56, Im 23.

I wouldnt ask her anything. Given 5 minutes, Id hold her close, smell her hair and tell her how much I love her.

Bugger- Im sat here in floods of tears.

chinchi · 19/02/2008 11:06

Sorry- my reply defeated the object of the post. Id ask her if she knew just how much I love her.

jumpingbeans · 19/02/2008 11:10

Chinchi, I am sure she knew just how much you loved her

Pennies · 19/02/2008 11:11

My mother's still a live but she's ageing now and I just want to say how this has really opened my eyes and how much I'll miss her when she's gone. I'm going to be asking her so many of these questions.

dippydeedoo · 19/02/2008 11:17

I lost my mum when she was 38 and i was 11 if she were here now id ask her was she proud of me? i live my life very differently to her and although i suspect she had more fun i wouldnt leave my children not knowing even the basic facts that were withheld from me.

My mum in law died aged 63 and i was 21 id hug her close and tell her that her shoes were to big to fill but id do my best.

Sobernow · 19/02/2008 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunshinemummy · 19/02/2008 11:20

My mum died aged 39 when I was 18. She will have been dead for 20 years this August.

I've found that I miss her so much more now I have a child. I really want to know all about her own pregnancies, labour and how we were as children. I'd also like to know what she thought of my dad (they were so different, they never seemed to quite fit)and what her aspirations were.

Not sure of this is relevant as it's more what like would be like were she still here, but I would love to experience her coming to my house and us having a girly weekend together as I have inherited a lot of her interests. I'd love her to know DP and DS, and them to know her.

dippydeedoo · 19/02/2008 11:29

chinchi,it gets a little easier hun (((hug 4 u))) xxx

Sunshinemummy · 19/02/2008 12:04

Oh Chinchi second dippy, it does get easier. Still floors me sometimes though, all this time later.

lottymadbird · 19/02/2008 12:22

my mother is still alive but has slight dementia and is an alcoholic, I went to see her last year for the first time in 21 years and I didnt ask her any of the questions i'd wanted to ask.

if i could pluck up the courage i would ask...

why did you leave when i know you loved my dad so much and probably me too

were the things you told me about your childhood and my grandfather really true?

what happened to all the photos you had of my brother and sisters and me?

could you REALLY not have stopped drinking when it meant you lost so much

are you really my biological mum (complicated one that one!)

have you any photos of my dad when he was young

where is that saphire ring you promised i could have you old bat!?

MNHQ

JustineMumsnet · 19/02/2008 12:22

Am being asked for a box at the end of piece:

10 questions every daughter should ask her mother...

Why she married my dad springs to mind immediately.

What would you add?

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 19/02/2008 12:24

If she could have done anything in her life differently, what that would be?

If she had to give me one piece of advice, what would that be?

MNHQ

JustineMumsnet · 19/02/2008 12:25

Why the hell didn't you get my teeth sorted when I was a child?

( lottiemadbat about the saphire ring)

OP posts:

Freckle · 19/02/2008 12:30

Is there anything you would have done differently?

Sunshinemummy · 19/02/2008 12:33

What were your dreams and aspirations when you were a girl?

Twinkie1 · 19/02/2008 12:46

I would have loved to have asked her everything - all about herself - about me and my sister when we were small and what she wanted for us in our lives!

She was killed in a RTA when I was 11 months old so no chance to ask anything!

I would also have liked to have asked her why she married such a (my father) - but maybe he wouldn't have been such a if she hadn;t have died!

artichokes · 19/02/2008 12:55

My mum died when I was 25 and she was 64. I am an only child and have no extended family so I have no family to exchange memories with.

We always talked about things so I know alot about her life and views. Mum spent her last few months (when she knew she was terminally ill) preparing a memory book for me. It mainly concentrates things we did together when I was young and shared memories we had. There are two areas she did not have time to cover that I regret

The first area is the stories behind the many heirlooms and artifacts collected on her travels. I have inhertied them all and I love them, but there are boxes and boxes of stuff from the years she spent travelling the Middle East and I know there are stories behind the acquisition and importance of each one. She told me some of these stories but I know I have forgotten details.

The second area is that I never really talked to Mum about the details of her pregnancy, birth and what I was like as a baby. I would love to know whether my pregnancy complications were hereditary, what I was like to BF, why she stopped BFing, what kind of sleeper I was etc? All the things you get obsessed with as a new Mum. I also wish I knew how she tackled sleep issues, weaning, tantrums - most girls get to benefit from their Mum's experience in bringing them up but I never will.

However, the things I regret most are things I never said to her, rather than things she never said to me. Its only since I had DD that I realise how much my Mum must have sacrificed to bring me up. She was a single Mum after my Dad died. She had no family support and she also had to work full time. Yet neither her grief nor her schedule got in the way of her being incredibly loving and attentive. She did so much for me, (including setting up a progessive primary school for me to attend!). I just wish I could thank her properly now that I better understand the efforts she made.

winnie · 19/02/2008 12:55

My Mum died at 54 of cancer and she knew she was going to die. We did a lot of talking for which I am immensely grateful.
She had a very difficult life one way and another but she had amazing strength and she is certainly my inspiration.

After she died we found a notebook which was mostly blank. (I am a writer of journals, she was not). On the first four pages she had written poignant and personal words of wisdom. Literally one line on each page. I will always cherish that book.
One page was not different though it said 'please god let me live to see the children grow up' (meaning her grandchildren) & just thinking about it now has me in floods of tears. She faced her illness amazingly and seeing those words on the page breaks my heart because I know how she faught to stay alive.

I agree with loujay, I would just love to have any random conversation with my Mum.

However, going through difficulties with my own teenage daughter I constantly wish Mum was here to give me advice so, probably, my questions would be about how she learned to let us go whilst maintaining a closeness with us which stayed throuoghout our adult lives.

HuwEdwards · 19/02/2008 12:55

"Would you babysit the kids for me"

winnie · 19/02/2008 12:58

One page was -not- different though. Sorry.

sherbert · 19/02/2008 13:13

My mum died when I was 19, she was 47.
I wish i had known what my birth was like, what I was like as a baby, how long she breast fed for etc and how she managed.

discoverlife · 19/02/2008 13:25

Mum and Gran are still alive, so I can't really help. But I would like to ask my Gran what birth actually was like for her, which was triggered by another thread here

discoverlife · 19/02/2008 13:28

I also want to no what 'being in service' was really like, Gran mentioned it once and then said she got married (actually she got pregnant had the baby and married someone else) but thats another story.

dosydot · 19/02/2008 13:39

Mum died age 43 and I was eighteen.
I would ask her if she regretted dying, and if she knew she was mentally ill.
All the things about raising children
what would she have changed about her life if anything
DId she love us
was I a bitch at the end(many teenage emotions ) of your life and did I contribute to your death

WendyWeber · 19/02/2008 13:51

My mother died (mesothilioma + ovarian cancer) at 51 when I was 21 - there seem to be an awful lot of us here who lost their mothers in late teens/early 20s.

With reference to another thread today, I'd like to ask if she still thinks changing my name when I was 1½ was a good idea

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