What do you wish you'd asked your mother before she died?

[JustineMumsnet]

Hi all,
I'm doing a piece for the Telegraph about a lovely book called The Mother's Book that you give to your mum to record her memories and the details of her life and yours. It prompts all the questions you'd like to ask about her upbringing and family, emotions and philosophies but that, if you're anything like me, you never get round to asking either because you're too busy or because the old stories have been trotted out too often and you can't face opening the floodgates or just because it feels inappropriate somehow. Anyway I'd love to add some Mumsnet wisdom into what we should make sure we ask before it's too late. Sorry I know it's a bit morbid for a Tues morning but we would greatly appreciate your insights.

Thanks,
JustineMumsnet

How did she feel/cope when she lost her mum? Slightly different to what my situation will be, but my mum lost hers when she was only 16 - totally unexpectedly too. Obviously the question can apply to losing your mum in the fullness of time rather than at a young age too.

What wisdom did her mum pass on to her?

My mum's still alive but I recently asked her a couple of interesting questions:

1. do you think women should get on and have their children earlier, as they did in your generation? Her answer was a vociferous yes. She says she almost certainly won't see her grandchildren grow up whereas her own mother lived to have a great grandchild. She and ex mil (in her 50s) both agreed. They had their children young (at age 24 and 18 respectively) and think we're all mad and quite stupid to be leaving it so late.

2. What do you feel about growing older? What do you want to happen if you get to a point where you can't live in your own house? She was VIOLENTLY opposed to a home and wanted me to promise that she wouldn't go into one. I wouldn't have known this had I not asked this question.

And one I haven't asked but may do sometime:
3) What was so awful in your childhood that you hated your father so much?

I wish I had actually listened to all the stories that I heard soooo often... so many questions that I don't know the answers to, and didn't realise until it was too late... and as things happen with my DD I realise I have no idea how my mum felt at the time or how she handled them.

How was I on my first day of school?
How did she feel on that day?

How did she find the time to spend so much time with us, and run the house and do the stuff she wanted to do also?

There are just so many things I wish I cold ask now, but I can't think of them! I will have to come back and add to this thread as I do...

I love the idea of The Mothers Book, wish I had it...

I really wish that my mum had written me a letter explaining how she felt about everthing, how much she loved us all etc just so I had something tangible to hold..

Apart from the lovely memories the closest thing I have are her recipe books with her writing in.

I bought this for my Mum a few years ago when I was in the US; I had never seen anything like it here.

A Mother's Memory Book

I'd like to know what her parents and grandparents were like, what school was like, what it was like for her growing up. Any special historical events. What life was like when she gave birth to me.

My Mum has been completing hers bit by bit, and she commented that she's really been enjoying it, reliving her own childhood through it in actual fact

My mother is still with us but I don't have the courage to ask her why she treats me so badly although I do everything yet idolises my brother who has buggered off to Australia. And why she thinks I wont be hurt when she says 'I wish I'd never had kids, I prefer my dogs'

mind that bus....

I just bought the book to go to my mum for mother's day thanks Justine.

My mum died at 50 when I was twenty six, so quite old for me but not for her - I hadn't got married or had kids and there are questions almost daily that I wish I'd asked her. Often just the silly little things are the ones you'd quite like to know. Agree with all things Heifer says. Here are some other questions in no particular order of profundity/ mundanity

Who are all those people on the old photos? (after she died the only other person left was my grandpa, her dad and he was blind so kind of tricky to describe all the black and white pics to him!)

What was I really like as a baby (my dad can't remember anything). How did you feel about your mum when you had children, did it change? How did you feel when we were born, was it a big shock, did you ever feel trapped (she had us very young). Did you have morning sickness. How did you cope with two young children when dad was at work all day and night (and you took in lodgers and had a dog, cat, rabbits and a guinea pig)

How did you feel on your wedding day? and what did everyone wear? What made you know that dad was the one?

What was your relationship like with your in laws and how on earth did you manage to be so lovely to them? What did you want for us when we were little? What did your parents want for you? What was it like starting work at 14?

What was it like when your dad went off to war for years on end? And what was school like when you were my children's age?

Before one of her last operations, my mum left a note "in case she didn't wake up." She did wake up from that one, but sadly a few months later she was gone. My sister and I could barely bring ourselves to open the note, but after the funeral, we sat down and in ceremonial fashion opened the envelope. The note told us how to cook the food in the freezer and where the spare bedding was if we needed it etc a load of practical stuff. She'd intended us to read the note if she hadn't come round from the anaesthetic on that particular day in hospital - there were no great last words at all.

We were upset for a while, and would certainly have treasured a book like this (NB to anyone doing it - you maybe need to do one for each child to avoid sibling squabbles later!) but actually we also treasure that scrappy note, because it was just typical of her to be thinking of others before going into surgery herself and encapsulated the simple, selfless, caring person that she was.

Whoah, Sorry, waaay too much sentiment for a Tues morning Just think this is such a great idea for a book. Might get one for myself!

Ah Carrie, how sad and poignant about the note.

I just asked my mum this weekend to write down an autobiography type thing.. did she like school, how did she get through the highs and lows of life.. her sisters family all died in an accident how did she get through that.. her mum and dad died within 48 hours of each other..
Why didn't she go for counselling. hindsight suggests it would have been a great idea - she may not be so bonkers now!
Anyway I have been researching our family tree and once Mum has gone I won't know anything easily about her aunts and uncles or her grandparents.. who were they what jobs did they do..

So many questions.

My mum died when I was 2, so there are rather a lot of unanswered questions, and I've had lots of time to think about the stuff I'd like to ask. And a lot of it is really mundane.

Did you get stretch marks? What was my birth like? Did you love me as soon as you saw me? Did you sometimes want me to just go away, and is that normal?

Is there a family history of breast cancer/heart disease/etc - it's suprising how often you get asked these questins and it's annoying to be unable to answer)

Do I get my from you, and if so, where did you get it from.

What was your favourite music (I imagine my mum as a dylan loving peacenik - I think it would ruin everything if I found out she'd really loved heavy metal or country)

What she'd have done differently in her life and whether she wished she had left my Dad and got on with her own life - we did talk a lot anyway about such things but I never truly understood her motives.

I would love to know how she would cope with a rebellious teen now, on the back of what she learnt from my errant behaviour

My mother died of cancer when I was 16. I went through years of guilt afterwards because I had been a wild, rebellious, stroppy teenager and must have made her already hard life a lot harder. Now I have my very own stroppy, rebellious, teenage daughter and I've worked out that my behaviour really didn't matter - that parents love you despite anything and everything. So I wish I'd talked to my Mum about that, and about how she'd been as a teenager.

She had a brief, unhappy marriage to my father and I wish I knew more about that - they were a very unlikely couple (he really quite posh, public school, expat family; her a working class grammar school girl) and I've never really understood how or why they got married. My father died 5 years ago, but he never talked about my mother.

I'm sure there are many more things - The Mothers Book sounds like a wonderful idea.

I bought a book like this for my father not long before he died (think it was called the grandparents book) but he never filled it in. I so so wish he had, and I do intend to go through it and at least fill in what I know about his family.

Anyway, for the mother's thing. Given one more afternoon and a cup of tea with my mother, I would ask the following:

What was I like as a child? Did I talk/teethe/walk etc on time or late? Was I nice to be around?

What do you think of your grandchildren? How do they make you feel?

What do you think of the lives your daughters live now?

Why did you emigrate from Canada to England, swearing to never go back? Something to do with terrible relationship with parents and a failed love affair, I think, but I would like to know.

How did you really feel about your father refusing to allow you to continue with education after 16?

The full story of meeting and marrying my father.

How did my sister become such a dominant, difficult force in our family? Do you think it is her personality, or did nurture play a part?

What was being a working mother in the 60s and 70s like? Do you feel it was the right choice?

Sorry - that's a bit long - I have a lot I would like to, heavy stuff as well as little things like what is the recipe for those frankfurter things I love.

Oh yes, wisteria - that's good - "What would you have done differently?" I imagine there would have been v different answers to that one, depending on when in my mother's life you asked.

My mum also died of cancer - she was 43 and I was 22 at the time.

I really wish I could have asked her all those questions you want to ask when you are pregnant - all about her experiences when she had my brothers and me. I would also liked to have known more about her relationship with her own mum who is still alive but has lost her speech due to a stroke. I also had lots of questions for her when I was getting married about how she felt getting married aged 18. The one thing that still upsets me is that I had a termination aged 18 (was in a bad realtionship and had a place in college) and my mum supported me but I always felt that she wanted me to have the baby. I would like to have asked her if she really thinks that I did the right thing. My mum loved children and sometimes when I am feeling maudlin I think about robbing her of her only chance to be a grandmother before she died as I know it would have brought her so much joy. On the other hand I have a very good life - great husband and 2 beautiful children which I may not have had otherwise. But there is always that thing in the back of my mind...

That is very true about the photos Carrie - I have albums of ancient photos from my grandmother that I don't really want to throw out - but at the same time they are meaningless because no one is alive who can say who is in all the photos - it's such a great shame

I bought one of these books ("The Grandparents Book" for my mum plus MIL when ds was born

my MIL's has sunk without trace - my mum has done about 3 pages

if you could include something in your piece about how to get them to fill the bugger IN that would be much appreciated Justine

My mum died of breast cancer when she was 55 and I was 22. I didn't have children at the time but she did get to know my dp who I had then been with for 2 1/2 years.

We didn't get much notice before she died as we thought she was remission but she began feeling ill again and went into hospital the day after my 22nd Birthday (the Friday) and she died the following Friday in a hospice. When she was with it, before the morphine fog she told me that she'd wanted to write me a letter to keep but didn't have the strength anymore.

She told me she was proud of me and that she loved me. Looking back I wish i'd made more of those last few days with her but I was young and my life had been thrown up in the air. My dad had died when I was fifteen and I was an only child so I wasn't thinking straight. I wish I'd asked her so much more whilst I had the chance but even before she went into hospital I was more interested in going out and partying then having a conversation with my mum.

I think the time I would have appreciated her most was when I became a mother myself. I now understand her so much more and wish I could tell her this. I want to tell her how much I admire her for doing it on her own for the seven years after my dad died.

I wish i'd asked more about when I was a baby and more about her pregnancy which I know was tough as she got pre eclampsia and a thrombosis so was in hospital for months before I was born 4 weeks prem. I don't however know if she went into labour naturally or was induced or much about the birth itself which I would love to know.

I would ask her about me as a baby and a toddler.

I would ask her if she was pleased that I have chosen to be a sahm and put my career on hold like she did for my early childhood even though she fought to make sure I got to university so i'd get a good job.

I'd be able to see her reaction to the births of her grandchildren, my dd who looks so much like my mum and my two dss. My mum had always wanted a boy. I'd have asked her to hold my hand as I pushed each one of them out knowing I was safe with her there.

I'd ask her when she started the menapause. If she ever felt old or if she still felt the same as when she was in her twenties. I'd talk to her about how she feels about death and how she managed never to be frightened by it even before she got ill. I'd ask her how she coped with her roken heart after my dad died.

I'd also ask her who the man from work was that asked her out to the theatre and for a drive in the country who she refused because she thought I would have been upset. I only found this out after she had died from her best friend and it made me so sad because nothing would have made me happier to see my mum have a bit of romance in her life.

Oh and I'd aks her to tell me about boyfriends she'd had before she met my dad.

My mum died when she was 49 and I was 19, and my dad although he outlived her by some years, just couldn't recall any detail when I asked him some questions!

I'd like to know a bit more about how I was when I was little.. I'd like her to look at my DDs and say 'oh god, I can remember you were like that' or 'DD1 reminds me of blah-blah when she says that'.

I'd like to be able to draw some parallels with her about pregnancy and motherhood. I'm naturally a very independent person - out of circumstance more than anything else, but I'd like to have just chewed the fat with her about stuff. I have no-one really, other than DP, to whom I can twitter on about the minutiae of the DCs life - well not without them glazing over eventually. I would guess that as a grandmother, she'd have indulged me!

It would just be nice to have a point of reference.

I'd ask her about how she felt when she gave birth to her third daughter. I have three boys and, although I sometimes think about what it would be like to have a daughter, I also think that a dd would change the dynamics of my family. Did she feel the same way about having a boy?

Actually, I don't know why I'm saying I would ask her. She's still alive, so perhaps I should!

My Mum died 3 years ago, there is nothing major that I would like to have asked her, we were very close and had great conversations (luckily)
I just want to have another random conversation with her really!!
Actually, just thought of one..........what did she want us to do with her ashes....my sister and I still cant decide, so she is in a wardrobe in my house.

My mother died when she was 60 and I was 27.
I grew up with my mum always in and out of hospital and having home visits from the doctor.
I went on to have 2 children whom she never met and I feel really sad about that most days that she never got to see how wonderful they are and they never got to know how wonderful there grandmother was.
You grow up imagining how it will be when you have children of your own and how your parents will react with your children.
But I never got to experience this and that is one thing I really which we could have had.

My DS has special needs and am constantly being asked by professionals about my school days etc and health and I don't have anyone to ask.
My father died 4 years later.
They had been married for 44 years.

My mum had 6 children and the questions I would ask are

1.How did you cope?

2.What was I really like as a child?

3.What sort of mother do you think I will make?

4.What was your secret for a long marriage?

My mum died in hospital and my 2 sisters were there with her but I was working at the time and no one rang me to say she was dying.
She had been in hospital so many times and always came out only this time she did'nt.
My sisters came to meet me after work and I knew.
So my last question would be to ask my mum

1. You do know that I love you don't you?

AS I did'nt get the chance to tell her.