Smacking 'does no harm if a child feels loved': do you agree?

[HelenMumsnet]

Hello.

We're wondering how you feel about new research that suggests smacking does children no harm as long as they know it is for the right reasons and feel loved.

The publication of this study - which focused on teenagers, it must be said - is causing quite a stir, with, according to the Telegraph, 'parenting groups and charities [reacting] angrily to the findings, [and] maintaining that a child can suffer long term damage from physical discipline'.

In Britain, parents are not banned from smacking their children but it is illegal to inflict injuries causing more than a temporary reddening of the skin.

So, do you agree that smacking is fine, as long as it's tempered with a backdrop of love and affection? Or do you think that smacking is never the answer? Please do tell.

I suppose I could smack my 11 yer old - given he is 6 foot tall - he'd think it terribly funny.

Smacking = lazy parenting IMO. This is from somebody who was on the receiving end of my fathers fist as a child

ppeat how can you respect a child?

People have confused the word respect with just being kind.

I wouldn't let a child make a adult decision. They haven't got the experience. I'm not now or ever going to be dictated to by a child.

Lots od my dd's friends picked their school. The criteria being - whichever their friends were going.

That's not to say that after i had carefully researched my dd's school. i would flat out refuse to move her if she was being bullied. I'm kind to her, but i don't respect her opinion on things she isn't old enough and wise enough to decided.

I'm moving in a couple of weeks. She is having to move schools. I didn't ask her about either. She's a child.

Also found this of interest:

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/userfiles/Smacking.pdf

gizza

Totally agree with every word.

sassy I didn't say DICTATE to me I just said that something that affected the whole family like a move would be best discussed by the whole family. IMO If you start just telling your DCs to do things that's when you get the bad behaviour. They feel humiliated and as if they don't count so you may well end up with runaways and or self harming.

I was smacked as a child (all myfriends were too, late 60's when I was at primary school). Teachers could still use corporal punishment and I had my legs slapped by a teacher a couple of times. Boys were caned on the hand.

So home and school, I was brought up to expect to be hit if someone bigger/in a position of power thought I had done something wrong.

When I was 14 my first boyfriend 'smacked me' because I had done something he did not like (I had worn a pair of drainpipe jeans and his friends were all passing nice comments about me). I didn't tell anyone. He did it again over some other trivial things but I did nothing.

Later on my ex started to hit me after a couple of years or emotional abuse. Looking back now I can see I accepted it as he would say I drove him to it etc and I deserved it. Just like when I was smacked as a child. Also when I DID ask him about it he would laugh and say 'its only a smack' as if calling it that (ie something you would do to a child) trivialises it.

I will not smack my children or let anyone else do it either. I know a couple of mothers who do a 'little tap on the hand' if a child is naughty and its the ONLY thing I will interfere with how a parent brings up their child.

I am not saying that everyone who was smacked will go on to be a victim or perpetrator of DV, but it made me think it was ok for other people to hit me if I was angry with them.

I have two boys and once. Just ONCE dp smacked one of them. I ripped his head off. he knew my 'past' and what a mess I'd been after leaving ex. when I sat him down and told him why I object so strongly, he understood and our children were never smacked again.

Its wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Just as schools are no longer able to give corporal punishment, neither should adults to children.

To add, we had other ways of doing discipline which with warnings, then the punishment was explained and the child was made to feel loved. Our children always get good reports for behaviour from school and other parents when they go to their friends houses.

Meglet's view 'Mine get smacked sometimes, usually when all hell has broken loose and I'm being constantly ignored. If there's a choice between a smack or everyone being late for school / work then a smack is the least worst option.

I tell my children I love them every day and they talk to me if they are worried about something, so (so far) smacking hasn't destroyed our relationship.

Now the children are school age I know many parents who smack. It's far from perfect parenting but real life isn't perfect and children push your buttons to the very limit.'

is one I really identify with. I have smacked all of my children when younger. I know perfectly well that this out of anger and it's not admirable behaviour on my part but it is what it is. When my children have children I will follow their lead on discipline. Interestingly though I know that my mum smacked me (and I don't flinch.) I know her mum smacked her but she (my grandma) has only smacked me once (argument re trouser wearing when there was a bus to catch so i'm told, i don't remember it). I know my mother has never smacked my dc. My nan used to whack my dad with a wooden spoon and then never laid a finger on us let alone a utensil. So my personal experience suggests that there is something in the frustrations that arise from parent-child day to day to living that results in smacking rather than any sustained wish to abuse as I think some are suggesting. In 6 years of mumsnet use I'm well used to the smacking = lazy parent/total bastard etc. It's nonsense.

I did neither of those things and my parents didn't consult me.

I think quite the opposite.

Over burdening children with adult decision isn't wise imo. What if something went wrong with their decision? Might they feel some of the responsibility that adults feel?

If they want to pick the christmas tree, or which restaurant or take out we're getting etc, that's fair enough, but not real big life changing decisions.

Monty Roberts (Horse Whisperer) says "violence is for the violator, never the victim". If he can educate horses using gentle methods, without resorting to violence (I have been to 3 of his demonstrations- the guy is amazing), why can't we do the same with children?

I was smacked occasionally as a child. Can't remember now why, really, except that my mum smacked when she lost her temper, which didn't hurt, and my dad very rarely, which did. I don't think it did me any harm tbh: it was better than the other things they did (like the lectures that went on and on.....), and I did feel loved and secure on the whole. I wouldn't smack mine, but mostly because I think times have changed: we're more conscious of the issue now, and wary of how it might look to others.

IMO there are better ways to deal with 'bad' behaviour (in 1/2/3 yos I wouldn't count it as bad as it rarely comes from a place of malice jsut curiousity and unthinkingness) and while it may be harder work fro me I believe in the long run it will be better for my family on the whole not to smack.

I was smacked as a child it didn't teach me anything other than defiance ('didn't hurt anway') and to eithe cover my tracks well or lie about what I had done. So, while it hasn't scarred me for life it wasn't a productive action either and I definitely had/have trust issues with my parents.

Oh and I don't smack but I don't give long droning lecturers or guilt trip and emotionally manipulate either. I make it clear what the problem is, the behaviour I expect (and know they are capable of) and try and have an enviroment of mutual trust and respect.

Take it from a mother who doesn't smack her children who are now 8,11 & 13 there are alternative ways to punish your children and if you take your time to find the correct alternative methods that work for you, your children will behave in the correct, respective manor.

I rarely have to tell my children off, I don't recall a time that was so bad I had to enforce punishment that was extreme, I've counted, they have endured the naughty step,and they have had confiscations and lost out on treats.

My relationship with my children is the best I could have hoped for as a mum. Nothing's perfect and never is, but its a happy house with correct boundaries.

I luff you gizza

You are me! I'm guessing your children are younger than the one's i taught, because, 'because i say so' does not go down well with 16-18 yr olds.

My mum use to say it. I don't really, but i might start!

Your lucky class and DCs I love that intelligent "because I say so" it's great to be spoken to like that; You must be one of the few adults I know who can come up with totally rational solutions. Amazing to be so perfect ,lucky you Oh yeah and the government are all rational are they?

I would say I was raised well, to be respectful, polite and thoughtful about other people.
I would also say the (few) times that my mother hit me (smacking is hitting, yes, it is), were low points for her. Absolutely the worst part of her (generally awesome) parenting. I remember those moments. I hated her at those moments. I felt humiliated and betrayed, that she couldn't possibly love me if she treated me that way. I remember several of those moments to this day, thirty-odd years later.
I forgive her, of course - but I don't think it was right or that it 'never did me any harm.'

I suspect she would agree with me that they were moments when she wasn't being a good parent. I'm sure she'd add that I'd pushed all her buttons, driven her mad, she had three small children to deal with, etc etc. But I know she wasn't proud of smacking us, and this was the 70s/80s.

I'm not afraid of being the bad guy to my children, I would say DH and I are quite tough on discipline (teachers!). But no one hits anyone in our family.

I would feel like I was raising them primed for abusive relationships if I combined "I love you so much!'' with physical violence and expected them to believe it.
Discipline = teaching. What are we teaching them, if we teach with hitting?

I was at a farm a few months back. They had a bouncy castle and i was stood watching my 3 dc's. The whole time i was stood there, a mother was negotiating/persuading her child (about 3/4) to put her shoes on.

It was about 10 mins.

I'm not saying she should have smacked her, not at all. But she is the adult and she should take control of the situation and make the child put her shoes back on. It was ridiculous.

And i do think the 'it's wrong to smack' rhetoric as thrown up the, 'rationalise, discuss and negotiate' with children rhetoric.

i was smacked quite regularly as a child and because i was the eldest, my sister seemed to delight in getting me into trouble. whilst i don't remember it, thankfully, i do however remember the fear of hearing my dad shout, he broke my bed once whilst i was still in it because he was angry - i didn't know what i'd done. i still flinch occasionally if someone raises their hand.

dd's father smacked me round the face a couple of times (different occasions) i didn't even think of the height difference (6'2" to my 5'6") and walloped him in self defence. whilst he didn't do it again, he got charged.

my point is it is illegal to assault an adult in this manner, why is it only termed 'smacking' when the assault is against children???????????????

It's a null argument imo auro

It's illegal to have sex with a child, but it's ok to have sex with an consenting adult.

They are 2 different things and the argument is illogical.to me anyway

gizza but people on here are saying they use smacking or see nothing wrong with smacking as a parenting tool. There are loads of resources out there these days there is no need to fall back on 'never did me any harm'.