Smacking 'does no harm if a child feels loved': do you agree?

[HelenMumsnet]

Hello.

We're wondering how you feel about new research that suggests smacking does children no harm as long as they know it is for the right reasons and feel loved.

The publication of this study - which focused on teenagers, it must be said - is causing quite a stir, with, according to the Telegraph, 'parenting groups and charities [reacting] angrily to the findings, [and] maintaining that a child can suffer long term damage from physical discipline'.

In Britain, parents are not banned from smacking their children but it is illegal to inflict injuries causing more than a temporary reddening of the skin.

So, do you agree that smacking is fine, as long as it's tempered with a backdrop of love and affection? Or do you think that smacking is never the answer? Please do tell.

[ExRatty]

I'm sorry it doesn't make any sense to you threetomatoes. It does to me.

My daughter is far from afraid of me. I can understand your concern so I want to allay your fears.

She does know that somethings are so wrong or potentially so damaging or serious that her mummy will actually smack her if she continues to do them.
The two year old couldn't defend herself. It is my job to teach all the girls that actions have consequences. I do it reasonably and carefully.
It will not harm her development of empathy in my opinion. Nor will it harm her psychologically as she understands what happened and why I made the choice.
I think she is more than capable of putting herself in someone else's shoes and capable of considering her course of action. This is part of the reason why a smack seemed appropriate.

[exoticfruits]

So logically she can feel the same about someone else and smack them,exRatty?

[exoticfruits]

What I really don't understand is that someone disciplines by smacking and then they leave them with Granny and Granny is expected to find alternative methods. ( or I bet paternal granny does, maternal grandmother might get away with a smack)

[ExRatty]

exoticfruits

Given the same circumstances then logically she would be entitled to. I will support her when she does the same.

[seeker]

So, exRatty, if somebody does something to her that hurts or upsets her it's ok for her to smack them?

Who else is allowec to smack her- her father? Grandpqrents? Older siblings?

If not, why not?

[babyboomersrock]

ExRatty, did you hit the cousin as well?

And why didn't you take them out of the bedroom after the first incident?

[ExRatty]

A fair few questions to answer. I'll try my best.

I'm generally not a smacker. My mother or anyone else wouldn't smack the girls as they have me down as a reasoner. In the majority of occasions that is the answer.

Threetomatoes I did put myself into my daughter's shoes and I felt that she would understand why I gave her a smack. If I didn't think she was capable of understanding it I wouldn't have done so.
I didn't hurt my daughter. I did smack her leg. She is emotionally strong enough to see the smack for what it was and accepted it as a punishment for harming her little sister.

I'm sorry that you feel that I or my actions are a little twisted. I feel that I am far from twisted but I appreciate your commentary.
I also appreciated your daughter's point of view about smacking. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Babyboomers
The children were sharing a bedroom as they were on holiday. On the first occasion, after we had spoken about what had happened we left the bedroom. They did the same thing on the next day.

I didn't smack my nephew as his mother was there and she deals with him in a different way than I do my own children.

I wouldn't smack someone else's child. I understand that what is right for me and my children might be entirely wrong for someone else and their children.

Seeker
If my d is being repeatedly harmed by someone else she knows to tell them to stop and why they should stop, to speak to someone in authority and as a last resort to defend herself. I'm fine with that.

[ExRatty]

I'm not a shouter or vicious seether either.

This is the first time I've smacked any of them and I'm happy to explore it on here. I find mumsnet good for stuff like this.

To be honest I have thought about it since. I've really examined why I did it and what it was about. As I never thought I would smack I wanted to be sure that it was within what I found appropriate.

It honestly wasn't a knee jerk reaction. I wanted her to know that she had crossed a boundary and that there was a consequence for that. I wanted her to know that it was so serious a thing to do that her mummy would smack her for doing it.

[ExRatty]

I see your point but no true behaviourist would claim Jo Frost as part of their movement. Loving the idea though,

I'm confident that I am doing the right things at the right times.
I put thought into what I do and am also aware of how our thoughts are built.
We make a nice little group and I do apologise when I get things wrong or pay too little attention of forget things.
I'm far from a monster. They really are secure and loved and they have plenty of examples of this everyday. We discuss anything they think is unfair and sometimes I see it from their POV and change course.

I have never felt the need to act to show another person what I was going to do. However I felt the need to show her on that occasion.

[exoticfruits]

Very true ThreeTomatoes- children do as you do and not as you say. All they really take in is that if you are bigger and stronger you can hit the small and week- at a subconscious level they know you won't do it the moment they can hit back harder!

The fact they do as you do and not as you say is shown by the people who say 'I was smacked and it did me no harm'. I wasn't smacked and I am shocked when I see it.

People will cite the danger element- they run in the road and so you smack them. I can see that you might in the heat of the moment, but it isn't logical, if they are with granny, auntie, the childminder, the nanny etc they would be expected to keep tighter control and not let it happen, if it did they would have to find other methods to deal with it- it is only the parent who can take the lazy way and smack- as far as I can see either because they love them, which makes it OK, or because they own them.

SuperNanny is dealing with DCs who are completely out of control, whose parents can't manage them. She would have different methods for a child that she had had from birth or had everyday.

[exoticfruits]

Sorry iPad has it's own ideas- weak not week.

[exoticfruits]

I think you have to be logical with children. Hitting is either right or wrong - you can't say it is wrong unless it is your parent.

[exoticfruits]

SuperNanny does have a lot to answer for- not her fault it is all in the interpretation.

[swallowedAfly]

supernanny does have a lot to answer for - normally behaved children don't need sticker charts and treating like psych patients on a behavioural programme. the children she actually tackles are ones who have gone into way beyond the pail behaviour land in out of control houses.

despite the fact i smacked ds a handful of times as a toddler 99.99999% of my parenting and dealing with stuff has been low key exchanges of words and looks. my mine strategy for toddler years was clear (minimal words - god it's painful to hear parents being totally too long winded with small children who clearly can't concentrate on all those words at that moment) verbal instruction followed by counting to three if necessary. bizarrely counting to three still works on ds at 6 despite the fact we never have clarified what happens if i get to three and no that's not because he's terrified i'll hit him.

having used a few smacks in one brief point of time doesn't mean that your parenting is lazy or chaotic or overly confrontational.

i think i throw myself to the dogs on these threads because i feel the need to be honest and say that i have smacked and then huge amounts are assumed. but hey ho. i feel for lurkers on these threads who have smacked a few times and are suffering with PND or anything else and able to be swayed to feel absolutely terrible about themselves and their parenting by any little thing and have to read all the smacking is monsterous type posts. mums are demonised enough without needing to put themselves on the wrack of guilt over a couple of smacks delivered over years of 24hr a day parenting in isolation and exhaustion.

[exoticfruits]

I think we have to have some responsibility for lurkers. As a parent you have them all the time, often with little sleep and with other stresses. It is understandable that you might smack in the heat of the moment. I am only saying that there are better ways- and anyone else looking after the child has to find them, however stressed they happen to be.
Equally I can't stand those long winded explanations, that go all around the houses , to make a simple point to a 2 year old.

[kimmills222]

Smacking is never good but if its necessary at all then the kid must be made to understand that you are a well wisher and only wish for him.

[Wishwehadgoneabroad]

I posted earlier to say I was smacked - I honestly don't think it did me any harm ( I definitely deserved them) . Personally, I won't be smacking my DD but that's nothing to do with the fact that I was smacked.

However. I do recall an incident from my childhood.

Me (aged about 3 ish) being naughty in the corner shop. Mum warned me appropriately enough. i chose to ignore and took the consequences.

Woman behind mum in the queue decided to tell my mum how out of order she was smacking me.

Me? Aged 3 ish something. 'Don't tell my mummy what to do, I love her and she's the best mummy ever' (as I grabbed my mum's hand and kissed it)

I do believe can't take smacking just in the context of the actual smack - if that makes sense. I had a very loving childhood and fabulous parents.