Smacking 'does no harm if a child feels loved': do you agree?

[HelenMumsnet]

Hello.

We're wondering how you feel about new research that suggests smacking does children no harm as long as they know it is for the right reasons and feel loved.

The publication of this study - which focused on teenagers, it must be said - is causing quite a stir, with, according to the Telegraph, 'parenting groups and charities [reacting] angrily to the findings, [and] maintaining that a child can suffer long term damage from physical discipline'.

In Britain, parents are not banned from smacking their children but it is illegal to inflict injuries causing more than a temporary reddening of the skin.

So, do you agree that smacking is fine, as long as it's tempered with a backdrop of love and affection? Or do you think that smacking is never the answer? Please do tell.

The children of people who paid me to raise them, SAF.

Anyone who was smacked, says they are fine, and then smacks their own child is obviously not 'fine'. Anyone who feels they deserved to be hurt by someone, and then feels justified in hurting someone else, is not fine.

YY, this is the exact conclusion I reached.

blimey.

?? Is it that you condone violence against children by their genetic parents but not by other carers? How does that make sense?

GizzaCwtch- Monty Roberts has also helped a significant number of troubled children. (incase anyone is interested, his book is called "Horse Sense for Humans". For you horsey folk, the organisation in the UK, re horse training methods, is "Intellegant Horsemanship")).

i don't know - i've smacked ds a few times between toddler and 3yo on very rare occasions whilst solely responsible for his 24hrs a day care and everything else involved in being a parent.

yes that seems very different to me than smacking many children as part of your paid role of taking care of someone else's children for a few hours a day.

If an adult smacks another adult it's assault. Can't for the life of me fathom why this doesn't apply if an adult smacks a child.

SconesRhymesWithGone - I couldn't agree more.

The world is already far too violent, far too negative. We are lucky in that as parents, we have the opportunity to shape the outlook our children have on that world, and also on themselves. I want my DS to grow up feeling that he is safe, that his body is his own - I don't hug or tickle him if he says no, because I respect his right to his own body and his own space, as I expect other people to respect mine.

That right to safety and security within his body does not, and should not for any child, change when I am angry.

SAF: It wasn't a few hours, I was their nanny. Does that make a difference ... and should it?

My employers expected me to smack their kids much more than I did - another time, another place. I never told anyone I'd decided to stop it completely, mainly because families that hit would have taken it as criticism. If the children told their parents/grandparents/etc I didn't hit them, I joked about my "regard terrifiant" :)

... if we ever meet up, we should have a scary stare contest

Why is is sanctimonious to not be violent to your children? Only on MN

Parents should not smack in a losing their temper way. That is a loss of control and lashing out. However, I think in very young children smacking in a controlled way for very naughty behaviour can be useful and not harmful. The child should be warned that if they repeat the bad behaviour again, then they will be smacked. They should be told why they are being smacked and it should be done absolutely calmly, just once. The child should be made to apologise for what they did wrong afterwards and cuddled. I remember being smacked on a few occasions. Mainly for lying. I do not remember it hurting, but I remember feeling ashamed. My parents may not have been perfect in every way, but the smacking did me no harm whatsoever.

I can see why you would lose your temper, smack and feel remorse. I can't see why you would smack calmly, after reflection - if you can do that you can find better methods.

It did you harm toomuchpink- it left you feeling it was acceptable as a parent

Toomuchpink - that made me feel sick. They should be smacked, then apologise for the fact that you decided to smack them, basically?

You remember feeling ashamed. You remember how horrible you felt. Why, then, would you want your child to ever feel that same way?

Agree with exoticfruits

noddy - it isn't only on MN is it? This site isn't a microcosm of society.

From the second dd was born, and I dressed her in her first 'suit' immediately after birth, and put her under the heat lamp (she was v small) any idea of hitting under any circumstance was just anathema. I was hit as a child, really for no good reason, but I wasn't going to continue that legacy.

For the posters who say "I was hit as a child and it didn't do me any harm.."..how do you know? I suspect you mean 'I didn't turn into a raging psychopath, or angry, or wishing to be violent'. By definition, you have no idea what the alternative is? Being hit is a significant humiliation. It says, 'I don;t have safe boundaries, and these big people show that.'

Agree with pan. Smacking anyone or any animal is unnecessary. It's just unnecessary. Unless someone or something is threatening your physical safety. So why teach a child its acceptable. What other useful things could you be teaching that child instead. It's a lazy and damaging response.

But garlic, for some people that is what a smack is! When I say I smacked ds that one time, I basically tapped him on his bum with far less force than I would playfully tap my Dh on the bum! The idea of calling something that would send a child flying a smack makes no sense to me, I mean a slap like a little shove away. No ringing sound, no red mark on his bum.. an instinctive momentary reaction that I wasn't proud of nor would I like to repeat it. I apologised without condition.

I sometimes think people talk at cross purposes when one minute there is a 19 month old flying across a room and another is talking about a tap on the bum.

My mother used to wallop the living daylights out of me for stupid things like breaking eggs. She was really struggling in her marriage, isolated and depressed. I just can't hold it against her. I think she was doing her best generally and sometimes she struggled to live up to her values but overall she has given me more than I can put into words and for all the pain we endured together, we laughed and she taught me how to forgive and move on. I don't understand how people manage with the anger and blame in adulthood. I think if it's a struggle, you get help to move on but you don't stay a child and blame your folks for their demons. Again, severe abuse/torture aside.. that definitely requires support. Just the 'meant well but fucked up sometimes' sort.

I am not a big fan of smacking. I think if on a small number of occasions when other approaches seem to be making no difference, it is not damaging. Exoticfruits, I assume losing your temper with your kids is a bad thing generally, shouting at them loudly or whatever, is not a good way of dealing with misbehaviour either. I am not saying I never get frustrated with mine, of course I do, but if I yelled at them in a losing my temper way I would feel guilty about that. In some ways I think screaming at your children is worse. As is turning a blind eye all the time and letting them grow up thinking there is no such thing as no.

Well I don't know anyone who smacks or admits to it.

The fear when your parent hits you and the distress is awful

It's interesting to me that the posters on here who do smack and are defending smacking, they all regret it afterwards, all apologise, all offer cuddles, all say 'I know it's not ideal' and 'they were pushing my buttons' 'I had seventy two under fours all running across the road'

A question if you'd like to answer it, pro-smackers - do you not think another 'final resort' type punishment would work logically just as well?

It seems like an emotional, unplanned thing to do. I do understand that people reach the end of their tether and want to hit to regain control, but I think it should be made illegal to prevent people reaching that step. No-one on here seems to want to hit their child - maybe this thread has made you think a little and you can advance plan how to react the next time your 'buttons are pushed'

Maybe there should be a parenting course on non-violence, like for men who commit DV...

SaF - is it possible your son wants to be smacked on the bum during play as a reaction to being hit there by you before? Like if he's expecting it, he can become in control of it and not fear it. I don't think that's massively healthy.

It's the 'balancing' thing I just don't get. The research indicates 'it has no, or little, adverse effects'. As humans we have massive brains, and are blessed with the gift of 'good judgement'. Why, seriously, on earth are we invited to demur good sense to being violent? We are much better than that.

It's always going to be an (over) emotive debate, isn't it?

FWIW I was smacked as a child. I know I was, but I don't actually remember any of the actual smacking. Ever. I don't feel damaged, had a great relationship with my mum (sadly now dead), and continue to have a really close, fantastic relationship with my dad. he is probably my best friend.

I DO remember times I "hated" my parents:
-when they rehomed my dog when I was 7 (because of practicalities)
-when they wouldn't allow me to go to an all-night party when I was 15
-when they insisted I be in before midnight when I was out with my boyfriend when I was 16

I don't smack my children, mainly because society tells me it is wrong. Do my kids still hit each other?- hell, yes!! Do I give them into trouble for it?-hell, yes! Do they continue to do it- YES!

I have to admit, I do sometimes wonder if I should have smacked my children. I had so much respect for my mum as a child, and as an adult. I would still argue with her, and I knew her faults, but I admired and respected her. I don't feel my children have the same respect for me They think nothing of trashing my stuff, each others' stuff, the house. I try to have consequences, but they don't really seem to care about them. They know I love them, and will forgive them, and no consequences I come up with seem to phase them too much. Take away a favourite toy? they tantrum for 5 mins, then play with something else. Their lack of respect for us, and our things, makes me sad at times. I have always respected them. I don't think I am a wheedler/ negotiator, and consider myself reasonably strict, but they don't ever seem truly remorseful. It's a puzzler.

I never smacked my children. Cats-bum mouth,combined with disappointed eyes worked well,and a sigh. Shouting at them is not productive either,as far as I can see,unless they were trying to rip each others heads off