Mumsnet are on R4's You and Yours prog on Dec 28th and we need your thoughts on surviving family Xmas

[carriemumsnet]

Radio 4's You and Yours programme have invited Mumsnet to join them on the 28th of December for a phone in on the strains placed on families at this time of year, and we need your input (promise not to mention any names...) So did the out-laws test your goodwill to destruction, or did you all grab a drink, pull a cracker and have a fun filled time with friends and family?

They're particularly interested in how Christmas might have changed as families get more complex. If you have divorced parents, or are divorced yourselves how do you decide who goes where for Xmas and what impact, if any does that have on the children - or on you?

If you're coping with an onslaught of invading relatives, or going "home" for Christmas - how do you keep calm and carry on when everyone's got their own ideas of how Christmas should be? Is it a day to be got through with gritted teeth or are there things you've learnt over the years that can help Christmas be a time of family peace and harmony? (please share if so and we can take notes for next year!)

And if there's someone missing from your Christmas because they've passed away, moved to another country, are expected to spend time with other people, or are just stuck in the snow - how did you cope with that?

All thoughts, ideas and insights welcome.
Big thanks and hope your Christmas is Very Merry and stress-free
MNHQ

The more Christmasses I've hosted (which is pushing 20 at this stage) the more I've realised it really just is another day, just a glorified roast, and to calm the hell down about it all. I used to wind myself up into a complete frenzy - now I sip my gin slowly and am much more mellow. If I'm aiming lunch for 1.30 and we don't get it till 2 then actually, no one cares.

Re absences, especially bereavements, it's bloody hard. There aren't any coping strategies - just raise a glass to them and remember past happy Christmases.

We are surviving Christmas Eve by doing baking and decorating biscuits, and tracking Santa.

Tomorrow we will give them some presents but eek it out over a few days.

I come from an incredibly complex family created by divorce/remarriage/sibling marriages and, finally, my moving to the UK from the US.

My own family is Jewish, but my dad married a Catholic when I was 7, so I've had both holidays most of my life. Thanksgiving was with my mom when we were kids and Christmas with my dad.

Now I live in the UK with my husband and 18 month old son. This year we are staying in our own flat and my husband's sister, who also has an 18 month old son,+ is staying in London. My in-laws were suppose to be here today until Boxing Day but the weather has left them unable to travel safely (they can't even get out of their street thanks to the ice!) so it's just us now. And Christmas Dinner bought for a larger group. We'll be eating Turkey until NYE!

In any case, it is hard. Last year was the first time in 6 years I got to be with my own family at Christmas. Travelling is such a hassle at the holidays that my husband and I are really happy the furthest we had to go this year was M&S!

Now that I've written a novel, I am not sure I answered the question! But there it is anyway.

I am not surviving christmas at all! In fact I have just cancelled it in my house. [sad Its Xmas or me!

I am not usually a misery I usually love Xmas, I am the type who walks along singing carols, making gingerbread, leaving magic reindeer food out, etc etc but this year since September has been a pain I have a wayward daughter of 15 who "Wants to do everything now and die young" her words. I have a family that is rapidly failing apart because of her and her treating us all like dirt.

To "Top" the lot: I've just made a lovely big Chocolate cake and went to put some Betty Crockers topping on it only to find the little monster has half eaten (and put back in the cupboard) 4 tubs of the frosting!! ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG

Ooooo sorry about the rant just needed to get it off my chest before I scream

OH dear MrsWeasley.
Sorry to hear this. What's the current state of play?

after years of rather horrible christmasses thanks to an emotionally abusive, fun-hating father, I relish having my own family christmasses now.
I have finally learned to be a bit selfish.
Our house is too small to have people staying over.
my other relatives live too far away for a comfortable same day visit.
When the children were tiny we almost killed ourselves driving hither and thither to visit grandparents and estranged parents and siblings.
We also have a child's birthday to squeeze in on the 23rd.
So now we just don't! We spend it just the four of us, sometimes we share dinner with our lovely friends next door. We get up when we please, we eat when we want to, and it is laid back and lovely. All family members are contacted and spoken to on the day, or Skyped, and visits are made after Christmas.

Sometimes, a little bit of Selfishness can save your sanity :)

We'll be having pizza (optional salad and coleslaw) followed by ice cream for our Christmas lunch.

I'm not going to the fuss of turkey and Christmas pudding - they'll have stuffed themselves on chocolate coins in the morning anyway, so the feast would be wasted on them - in any case they wouldn't eat sprouts, red cabbage or Christmas pudding however hungry they were.

I honestly believe that the best thing to do is to take all the programmes showing how to have a perfect Christmas with a massive pinch of salt. Gordon Ramsey et al may know how to roast the perfect turkey but his family's Christmas will be no better or worse for it.

Thanks, I've just been to the church's crib service so feeling a bit better now.

Christmas is back on! (when's bed time?!?)

Merry Christmas to all Mumnetters.

If things are getting stressy/hectic/nasty the best advice I have is to bundle everybody up and go on an enforced walk.

If all else fails, eat chocolate.

And water down the drinks if anybody is likely to be moody - alcohol will make it worse. You need to aim for mellowness, rather than drunken home truths! :)

Since 'Site Stuff' might not be top of the visited groups, I posted a brief note in both the 'Christmas' and 'Radio Addicts' areas.

Hope everyone enjoys their Christmas and New Year, and for anyone working, hope you get some time with family and appreciated by staff not working those days.

PS for MNHQ Talk/christmas and Talk/Christmas go to different areas (/christmas show Christmas 2008... was a bit of a shock when I saw lots of old threads and nothing familiar!)

A walk on the beach
Dinner at my mums (never been invited to the in-laws)
Then my mum packs sandwiches as we fly somewhere hot

Do as much as you can beforehand.

Drink lots of alcohol.

Pray for lots of snow to keep the inlaws away hehehehheheee!

And invite both sets together, they will both try and be the most perfect guests ever in front of each other while sniping whenever separated. Be sure to repeat at least one snippet of bitchiness to the other party. Then crack open the wine and watch the show

I put far too much pressure on myself at Christmas, trying to give my children the Christmas I didn't have myself as a child (my dad and brother died when I was very young).

Trouble is, I have realised that a "normal" Christmas is almost as stressful. We are hosting both sides of the family for Christmas Day, and they are like chalk and cheese. DH's side are all very respectable, pillar of the community types (who gossip about everyone as soon as their backs are turned) and my side are essentially ageing hippies. It is not a match made in heaven. Add to that the fact that both sides are getting older but are loathe to admit that they can't cope with certain things anymore and you have a bubbling pot of resentment just waiting to boil over.

The children think it is amazing having all of their family in one place for Christmas, but they are all primary school age and so don't know any better.

I would currently like to spend the day in my PJs watching crap TV and drinking sherry, but unless an avalanche blocks the road to our house (which is possible, but unlikely) then I will have to smile through gritted teeth and try to keep everyone happy.

It was only this afternoon, as I wrapped bacon around 50 chipolatas whilst worrying about who I was going to sit next to who at dinner, that I realised I have become that stereotypical sit-com mum getting stressed about Christmas. Except that at the end they get a witty one liner to end the episode and I don't think I'll be that lucky!

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

Remember the parenting mantra: "This, too, will pass.". They, or you, will all go home eventually.

ok its2am, i am usually fairly 'such is life' about these things.

but i am having mash nightmares. if i get one single comment , i'm going to kick off. and i keep playing it over in my mind.

Try not to be really upset when your DH buys a surprise present for your sister but you have had to send him out with a detailed shopping list for what you want.

I'm with Brandy, have been of a similar mindset for 20 years. We've always loved Christmas.
Although sneaking stockings into rooms is harder now they are teens, I tend to just set the alarm for 3am and hope.

goblin - tell them Health and Safety means Santa is forbidden to enter a tee's room, and leave the sotcking on the door handle outside :D

Hope you are all having a bearable day

I am now tipsy on a heady combination of empty stomach, emotion and 2 glasses of Sloe-gin bellini....

Being the 'lonely' ones this Christmas I've just realised how important it is to keep what you love or is important to you (stockings and church for me, a nice meal Christmas Eve and other traditional food for DH) and make it your own celebration. Not your mother's or your grandmother's, your MILs or Gordon Ramsay's - yours. It helps with homesickness and when you focus on making it a special time it becomes more special.

So now when we go and spend Christmas anywhere else we know what's important to each of us and can carry our traditions we've made with us, because they needn't be in conflict with each other and too often that's what makes family Christmases stressful.

Oh and possibly too late for many but have one Christmas as a couple alone before the DC arrive if possible so you can work out what's important to you both without added pressure!

Now thinking ahead any tips of negotiating who 'gets' DC1's first Christmas would be gratefully received.