Mumsnet are on R4's You and Yours prog on Dec 28th and we need your thoughts on surviving family Xmas

[carriemumsnet]

Radio 4's You and Yours programme have invited Mumsnet to join them on the 28th of December for a phone in on the strains placed on families at this time of year, and we need your input (promise not to mention any names...) So did the out-laws test your goodwill to destruction, or did you all grab a drink, pull a cracker and have a fun filled time with friends and family?

They're particularly interested in how Christmas might have changed as families get more complex. If you have divorced parents, or are divorced yourselves how do you decide who goes where for Xmas and what impact, if any does that have on the children - or on you?

If you're coping with an onslaught of invading relatives, or going "home" for Christmas - how do you keep calm and carry on when everyone's got their own ideas of how Christmas should be? Is it a day to be got through with gritted teeth or are there things you've learnt over the years that can help Christmas be a time of family peace and harmony? (please share if so and we can take notes for next year!)

And if there's someone missing from your Christmas because they've passed away, moved to another country, are expected to spend time with other people, or are just stuck in the snow - how did you cope with that?

All thoughts, ideas and insights welcome.
Big thanks and hope your Christmas is Very Merry and stress-free
MNHQ

Make sure instructions for toys, stuff that needs assembling doesn't get thrown out with packaging and wrapping paper!

What with the weather scuppering things this year, plus assorted illnesses, I have arrived at the conclusion that expectations need to be lowered.

And this can be achieved largely by avoiding Kirtie n'Phil, Jamie, Nigella, Gordon, Hugh and anyone else offering advice on the "perfect" and "best ever" Christmas. You also need not to buy any women's magazines from about September onwards, or anything involving checklists and countdowns, and supplements full of "perfect" presents.

Also turn off any M&S ads, or any others involving "perfect" families, frolicking about with perfet friends.

The media image of Christmas is one thing. Most people's reality is usually quite another. But people always imagine everyone else is having a better time than them. Ditto New Year's Eve.

Plus...
I also think that trying to recreate the apparently idyllic Christmasses of your own childhood are generally doomed to failure, as your partner probably has a completely different way of going about things (or else his parents will...) and clashes will occur.

So you have to let go of the past somewhat, as it's bound to end in disappointment. You were a child then - hopefully unaware of a lot of the realities of family dynamics.

I have always loved Christmas. I love everything about it really. But since my DD died its really hard.
She died in the April of 2006 and come that Christmas I had to decide how I was going to cope. I suppose I had two choices really, ignore or go nuts. I chose to go nuts. I had two young boys at the time (I now have two more).

For the first time I went out and bought loads of mad decorations (the resin, lit up, trains and victorian Father Christmas type), covered the outside of the house with lights and generally went OTT.

I still do. Its a way of coping with it all. The children get way too many presents and the house is totally covered in pink tinsel. Its not ideal because I am aware I am using all the glittery stuff as a distraction but it works for now.

Its very tiring though and Christmas is well and truly over by Boxing Day. I am ready to take the decs down by DS3's birthday on the 29th.

Perhaps I will find a better balance as time goes on?

For people who are missing from the table through being abroad - or who may have died during the year - we always had a toast "To absent friends" at the dinner table. No discussion, no names - just the toast - we all knew who we were thinking of without saying anything.

Survival is about being realistic. If a large family Christmas means the children feel they are missing something (reasonable) they really want to do then arrange to do it just before, or just after Christmas. Build this into your discussion of Christmas beforehand so no-one is surprised!

"To absent friends" sounds a great idea...

I will be toasting some absent friends in a moment with a can of cider one of my neighbours gave me...

Also think that idea of discussion beforehand is a bit of genius, flamingtoaster so that conflicting wishes from siblings can be accommodated as far as possible and if not on Christmas Day/ Boxing Day. it spreads out the fun too.

Ditch your husband.

DH is back to work on boxing day. I survived the pre Xmas Day excitement (have 4 small children) by inviting all the neighbours in for a sherry and mince pie - absolutely brilliant; everyone got on, broke the ice with the new people, and the kids were entertained handing out xmas and having tiny tree presents. Then xmas day is always just us, presents after lunch to avoid a massive comedown for the dcs (suspect it wd be a brief frenzy of unwrapping at 7am otherwise, followed by 'what next?'). We put a time they could get up (8am) to avoid tired crosspatches all day, and then had a lovely chilled out day. (NO alcohol tho, following successful party with neighbours )

We drink a toast to absent friends at the start of xmas dinner too - with a special mention for DHs late dad, and fond smiles on our faces.

As for the rest - plan just enough but not too much!

Don't forget to phone elderly aunties etc who may be alone or be with other oldies.

My dad had been ill but was better and happily got to us on Christmas day so that made things a lot easier for me. My dad and my DD helped with peeling the potatoes while I made a fantastic nut roast. my DH had the pudding steaming for hours and my DS's helped lay the table. Everyone had far too many presents but it was a fantastic day.

This is my first year of hosting Christmas and, as the cook, I found being chef and giving people roles as sous-chef and chefs-de-partie worked quite well so everyone knows what their job is. And vodka is always useful.

It is imperative that you get out of the house in small groups on Boxing Day for a bracing walk. Small groups are important so that each group can bitch about the other - it's critical to let off steam to ensure harmonious relations I find.

Has been my first xmas as a mummy and has been wonderful - ds is 11mo and has loved playing with his pressies and has been a real pleasure......
BUT have DH to thank for it not being super stressful; I have tendency to put too much pressure on myself and have been recovering from PND so DH suggested back in Oct that if we go to my mums on xmas day, his mums on boxing day then we wouldn't have to host anyone and I'd not have to panic about cooking. Its worked brilliantly - we're lucky as parents are local so we had lazy morning with just us and DS on xmas day and went over to parents in afternoon - both sets of grandparents have loved spending time with DS and we've been able to relax a bit (even better as have both dh and I have the obligatory xmas colds!).......

This year DS1 has passed his driving test and offered to drive all of us back from my sister's on Christmas day - so we were able to toast absent relatives (some sad losses in recent years), and warm up with a glass or two after a freezing icy walk, and still get back to our cosy beds and say hello to the cat! It was worth the stress of driving practice after all!

Both children came down with flu after tea on the 24th and when I got to the bathroom cabinet we were nearly out of Calpol and ibuprofen

So, Christmas this year was saved by good neighbours (they realised they were out of Sellotape at 10pm on Christmas Eve -- we did a big save-your-bacon swap)

I meant to add that I then cooked for 10 on Boxing day as DH's relatives arrived at 10.30 - getting home on Christmas day was a very good idea...

My darling mother made christmas for us. Since her passing away I have now put chirstmas first for our children. In other words I ignore invites, ignore the need to buy buy buy and just keep it happy in our own little home and we have a wonderful time. I know because the children have told me again and again and were so excited and could totally relax and enjoy doing exactly what they wanted to. families are not all they are cracked up to be just like christmas. Make it your own whether that's pulling out all the stops and having or not.

P S my mother put her children first and foremost and that's what I do.

Seems a bit odd to have a programme about surviving Christmas just after Christmas. Surely it should have been broadcast before Christmas to help people plan.

Thank you, everyone - all v useful!

Was an enjoyable listen, too. >> link