Another sexless marriage

[Yorkie86]

I’m in a sexless marriage and i just don’t know what to do. I’m 38 and my dh just isn’t interested. We’ve talked and talked and nothing ever changes despite promises from him to find solutions with me. He says he wants to have sex but is full of anxiety, stress etc. on the rare occasion it does happen it’s very quick and so not that fulfilling, and then it’s another year until the next time. It’s been like this on and off for years and now I’m seriously considering a fling/affair just to get my sexual needs met. I’ve told him we should split as I don’t want to be celibate and I want him to be happy also. I need sex in my life regularly but he won’t accept that it’s a dealbreaker and keeps saying he will get better etc. I feel completely trapped as I know financially we rely on each other and I don’t want him homeless, as I would stay in our house with our children. I’m so angry at him for never addressing it and promising change that never materialises. I’m also suspicious of why he doesn’t as his excuses have changed over the years. Is a fling understandable or am I a bad person

Can I suggest you join this thread? Lots of advice and a place to share experiences. All the best.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5580703-sexless-marriages-support-thread-part-2?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Yorkie86 It sounds like you've already considered, and come to terms with, the need to separate. By all means read the thread suggested above but don't be under any illusions: the situation with your husband won't change.

Just ask him if he’s ok with you getting your needs met elsewhere whilst staying in the marriage, if not, tell him you want to start the process of separating.

Is he gay?

I’ve asked him this quite a few times and he’s adamant he’s not

I had a similar situation. My wife talked often about her exh, despite that marriage ending as a war zone. She said that with me she couldn't let go. Things got worse when exh remarried,I nursed her through a three month depression which occurs sporadically now. Sex was virtually non existent, when it did happen it was cold and mechanical,felt like it was done out of duty.
Things came to a head and I suggested counselling. At the sessions,four in all, the counsellor stopped because my wife always turned the conversation around to her exh and their first four years together. They were married for twelve. It turned out she was in love with the ideal of her exh and that time before it went wrong.
For background she was a single mother of two, he was ten years younger. She became pregnant soon after meeting him, he eventually accepted reluctantly that he was the father and they got married. She feels their first years together were great and life would be good but he lost interest. She still clings to the memory of those years.

I left my DH after a decade of no sex, and sex about once a year for the decade before that. I firmly believe that he never really liked PiV sex, or any sex really. He wanted children desperately, and I think he felt he could cope with me, because we had been friends for a long time. He struggled with ED from the start, but managed to do it sufficiently for us to have three children. Then nothing. Prescribed pills which I would throw away unopened and out of date. I found not being desired was totally soul destroying. If I mentioned it, he wouldn’t speak for months, which upset the whole household.

I made the decision to leave far too late, with little time left to rebuild finances and my self esteem shot to pieces. I feel very strongly that I should not have put up with it for the sake if the children. Although we had nice times as a family, there was an undercurrent of tension and I don’t think we modelled a loving relationship for our children.

@NiceNiche "I found not being desired was totally soul destroying."

Yep. That's how it is.

It's interesting that this is not a male problem, or a female problem, but a human problem. Coming here to MN has proved to me that sexless marriages affect men and women in basically the same way: soul destroying.