Another sexless marriage

[Yorkie86]

I’m in a sexless marriage and i just don’t know what to do. I’m 38 and my dh just isn’t interested. We’ve talked and talked and nothing ever changes despite promises from him to find solutions with me. He says he wants to have sex but is full of anxiety, stress etc. on the rare occasion it does happen it’s very quick and so not that fulfilling, and then it’s another year until the next time. It’s been like this on and off for years and now I’m seriously considering a fling/affair just to get my sexual needs met. I’ve told him we should split as I don’t want to be celibate and I want him to be happy also. I need sex in my life regularly but he won’t accept that it’s a dealbreaker and keeps saying he will get better etc. I feel completely trapped as I know financially we rely on each other and I don’t want him homeless, as I would stay in our house with our children. I’m so angry at him for never addressing it and promising change that never materialises. I’m also suspicious of why he doesn’t as his excuses have changed over the years. Is a fling understandable or am I a bad person

Can I suggest you join this thread? Lots of advice and a place to share experiences. All the best.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5580703-sexless-marriages-support-thread-part-2?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Yorkie86 It sounds like you've already considered, and come to terms with, the need to separate. By all means read the thread suggested above but don't be under any illusions: the situation with your husband won't change.

Just ask him if he’s ok with you getting your needs met elsewhere whilst staying in the marriage, if not, tell him you want to start the process of separating.

Is he gay?

I’ve asked him this quite a few times and he’s adamant he’s not

I had a similar situation. My wife talked often about her exh, despite that marriage ending as a war zone. She said that with me she couldn't let go. Things got worse when exh remarried,I nursed her through a three month depression which occurs sporadically now. Sex was virtually non existent, when it did happen it was cold and mechanical,felt like it was done out of duty.
Things came to a head and I suggested counselling. At the sessions,four in all, the counsellor stopped because my wife always turned the conversation around to her exh and their first four years together. They were married for twelve. It turned out she was in love with the ideal of her exh and that time before it went wrong.
For background she was a single mother of two, he was ten years younger. She became pregnant soon after meeting him, he eventually accepted reluctantly that he was the father and they got married. She feels their first years together were great and life would be good but he lost interest. She still clings to the memory of those years.

I left my DH after a decade of no sex, and sex about once a year for the decade before that. I firmly believe that he never really liked PiV sex, or any sex really. He wanted children desperately, and I think he felt he could cope with me, because we had been friends for a long time. He struggled with ED from the start, but managed to do it sufficiently for us to have three children. Then nothing. Prescribed pills which I would throw away unopened and out of date. I found not being desired was totally soul destroying. If I mentioned it, he wouldn’t speak for months, which upset the whole household.

I made the decision to leave far too late, with little time left to rebuild finances and my self esteem shot to pieces. I feel very strongly that I should not have put up with it for the sake if the children. Although we had nice times as a family, there was an undercurrent of tension and I don’t think we modelled a loving relationship for our children.

@NiceNiche "I found not being desired was totally soul destroying."

Yep. That's how it is.

It's interesting that this is not a male problem, or a female problem, but a human problem. Coming here to MN has proved to me that sexless marriages affect men and women in basically the same way: soul destroying.

Two of my married work colleagues have their “needs” met elsewhere due to lack of intmacy with their established partners. One with consent of her DH & the other without. The former couldn’t leave her marriage because of children/financially constraints and she didn’t wish too. The latter is in limbo as too if she wishes or not as her lover is unreliable plus it’s always been a FWB arrangement.
Both are happier & less stressed since before their renewed sexual situations.
I’d never actively encourage anyone to be unfaithful but sometimes after you’ve tried everything it can be excused.

I have a support thread for the many of us in sexless marriages. No pressure to join, but you’re welcome over there.

we agreed to open things, I had a FwB and husband and I have got on better as a result. Again, I’ve explained how that has worked on the other thread

I’m 10 years down the line from splitting with my ex. I deeply regret not having an honest conversation with her.

1 Are you/me going to see a doctor therapist to sort the problem out.
2 If we stay together but the above doesn’t happen, will you turn a blind eye to me seeing others.
3 If the above doesn’t happen we will split up.

These things need firm and strong plans to sort out long term.

Its such a hard situation and I’m becoming more open every day to the possibility of having some fwb arrangement. I have no idea where I would find this arrangement lol I have no experience of online dating or apps and not sure if I feel safe doing that either. I’m also not 25 anymore and although I’m slim my belly is not great due to childbirth.

I completely agree that communication is key and I I believe can really help. Unfortunately for myself I’ve exhausted this over many years with some success at times but it never lasts. I love my dh and I’ll always want to be there for him but I feel I need to prioritise my own health also now.

Sent you a pm x

I am in a sort of ‘relationship’ with a married man, who was in this situation. Bedroom fully dead since their early 30s, don’t love each other but trapped by money kids and admin. We love each other and see each other once a month ish and it really works at the minute, as I don’t want a full time relationship. No one is getting hurt if we can help it.

Leave.

Things with your DH will never be right, and tinkering around the edges with FWB would just be wasting precious time.

Where did you meet this person if you don't mind me asking? This sums it up for me perfectly too " trapped by money kids and admin" I am only in my 40s, feels crazy to think my sex life is over 😥

I met him through work, virtually. It started as subtle flirting, then escalated to phone numbers etc. We didn’t meet for a while as in different parts of the UK, but the chemistry was VERY much there when we did and now make opportunities to meet once a month. We are on the same page and get so much from each other that the distance and limitations are barely an issue, knowing we have each other.

Are you married as well? It sounds like an affair to be honest if love is involved.

I’m not married just coming out of a long relationship that was stone dead. I guess it seems like an affair but it fulfils sexual needs and we just happened to catch feelings. Since I already knew he was married I don’t expect him to leave her or anything so it just works.

It's an affair even if love isn't involved.

I would have to agree with this. And also, a lot of men say they are in a sexless relationship for extra sex when seeking extra marital sex . I know thing first hand. When I was younger, I was stupidly sleeping with an older married man you was apparently in a sexless relationship. 6 months in , he told me his wife was pregnant 👀. I think you need to wake up a little in justifying this. I’ve been on the other end of it too - my ex h cheated on me and my kids lives were blown up.

I see where you are coming from - but as someone in a sexless marriage myself thats not a good place to be either. Its such a difficult tightrope of life - not always black and white but yes you are right some people are dishonest.

@thelastkingdom yes I get that :( I just think the poster is not being honest about the situation is. If the wife hasn’t given him permission to have sex elsewhere and doesn’t know about it, then yes it’s an affair. I am supportive of those in sexless marriages, I would hate to be in this situation, I don’t even handle it well if I haven’t had sex in a week :(

You’re right, and technically I guess it is an affair. Maybe I’m trying to justify it in my own head, but I view it more as trying to get fundamental needs met when they aren't being met in the marriage. For me, it isn't about looking to cheat - having my cake and eating it! it's about reaching a breaking point where physical and emotional needs are completely unmet. I haven't gone down that route yet, but it feels like the next step after trying literally everything else. Would I feel guilty? Probably, to some extent. But when you’ve exhausted every single option and have nothing left to try you get to that point. I know I am going to get slaughtered for this on Mumsnet but hey ho :-)