Long story short, started a relationship in Oct 2020. In the talking stages i made it crystal clear i consider porn cheating, and would not date someone not willing to go 100% porn free. This man had a secret porn addiction, knew i would, in his own words, "friendzone" him if he told me the truth, so he lied in order to get me to agree to a relationship.
For the first 3 years he claimed to be asexual, and showed no physical affection like even kissing or cuddling, whilst actually masturbating to porn multiple times a week behind my back. At the 3 year mark, Sept 2023 he instigated making the relationship sexual. For the next 2 years we had a sexual relationship. We saw each other one overnight a week, and on this night each week we would have at least oral sex (me giving him a blow job, never the other way around) and almost always vaginal sex.
I did not like sex, he would not do any emotional or physical foreplay, just would make it clear when he had an erection and wanted sex right now. As such every time it physically hurt me when he penetrated me as i was not mentally or physically aroused and prepared for penetration. Yes, i would express it hurt, so he knew. I asked multiple times for him to start doing foreplay so it wouldn't hurt me for him to penetrate me. He never made any attempt to do this.
For at least the final 6 months, i was having sex out of obligation from him claiming he "needed" it due mental ill health as a stress relief to make him feel better. I did not want to have sex and dreaded it, but i didn't tell him this, as i felt i couldn't refuse him sex as he had made me feel like he needed it for his mental wellbeing. (He had a short temper and had punched a wall, a door, and his mums dog in front of me, but had never shouted at or threatened to hit me. I didn't think he would get violent if i said no to sex, but felt he would make me feel bad with moping/sulking and emotional manipulation. Worth noting he was forcing me to financially support him against my will by threatening to kill himself if i did not do so, so he had me in a position of being very easily emotionally manipulated)
Oct 2025 i stopped being able to travel to visit him so last saw him Oct 16th 2025 (my birthday) Jan 5th 2026, he confessed to me that he had lied to me to get me to agree to a relationship, and that he knew if he'd been truthful i would not have entered a relationship with him. He confessed to the twice weekly porn watching and masturbation, that had continued beyond when we started having sex, but that he had eventually "Quit for me". I immediately tried to end the relationship, to which he threatened to kill himself, and stated he was actively making a noose with dressing gown belts and told me what message to pass his family when they found him. I cut all financial support that day and finally managed to end the relationship Feb 20th. It isn't "just" that he watched and masturbated to porn, it is that he had zero respect for me, my feelings or my boundaries, plotted and lied to me every single day for over 5 years, to con me into starting and staying in a relationship he knew i wouldn't have consented to, and had repeatedly betrayed me doing something we had set as a rule was considered cheating in our relationship.
He knew, 100% with no doubt, that if i had known any of this, i would absolutely NEVER have consented to sex. Yet, he still instigated a sexual relationship whilst deliberately witholding this information from me so that i would "consent". To me, consent is ONLY consent if it is freely given, informed consent. As such, i feel like nothing sexual that ever happened between us was consensual. I feel physically violated, sick to my stomach, and dirty in a way nothing i have tried can make me feel clean, i have clinically diagnosed PTSD and every day i'm having multiple very distressing flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about vivid memories of us having sex.
I 100% feel like i have been sexually abused, assaulted and raped, and i'm not coping emotionally with it. BUT everything i have googled, looked at on rape crisis etc, suggests this is not legally/criminally considered rape. Whilst absolutely deception, and morally wrong, it doesn't fit the specific parameters to invalidate that i at the time, "consented" like it would have if i'd said yes to sex with a condom and he'd taken it off. I feel it is a grey area that he reasonably knew i was uncomfortable having sex as he did know he was hurting me, as i had told him so, and there was emotional pressure to have sex for his emotional wellbeing so he was in my opinion coercing sex.
As such i cannot seek legal repercussions, even if it WAS legally considered rape, with a less than 1% conviction rate for reported rapes i wouldn't realistically get "justice", and i just don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and feel like i'm "crying wolf" for want of a better term by personally feeling like this was rape, and like i'm undermining every woman who has been raped by the legal definition of the term, like i'm "faking" being a victim, but i can't help how i feel about what was done to me and how it's affecting me.
I don't know what i'm hoping to get from this post, it's more that i needed to get it out and someone to see it. I'm hoping people will be kind and not attack me, but i'm honestly, scared of reading replies.