Posting here as probs the least judgemental place on MN...AP gone AWOL

[SheDevilIncarnate]

Met someone online (general forum not dating) 4 years ago. Fully expected it to be a bit of text flirtation that fizzled out after a few days/weeks.

Turned out we had a lot in common and didn't live too far away. However, he was in a LT relationship with kids, albeit one that hadn't involved intimacy in several years despite solo and couples counselling.

The messaging went on for 18 months and then we met in RL and have been seeing each other every couple of weeks or so ever since - he doesn't like the term FWB and it was so much more than sex, even if there was no future in it (which I accepted - never expected or put any pressure on him to leave - and yes I know none of this makes it right and I'm a terrible human being), so I would call it a situationship - a relationship but outside of normal boundaries and no imminent prospect of a future.

We have always texted daily and on the occasions there has a been a blip it's never been more than 24 hours and for a good reason. He's always promised me that if things had to end he would never just ghost me, that's the one thing I've asked for from him and I believe 100% that he wouldn't do so by choice.

So I haven't heard from him for 5 days. He's not been on the app we use at all and has barely any social medical presence otherwise.

I've cleared our chat and deleted my account on the app this morning as obviously need to move on. There was never going to be a future in it and it probably shouldn't have started/should have ended a long time ago.

But I just don't know quite how to get my head around it all. I really don't believe he would just drop all contact and am starting to think something has happened to him. He was mentioning feeling unwell in his last message - but there's literally nothing I can do to find out.

Don't know what I'm wanting/expecting from posting here (aside from having my arse handed to me for being the OW) but if anyone has experienced similar or has any advice I'd be glad to hear it.

Do you have him on social media at all? I’d assume either his wife has found out and he’s blocked everything to save his marriage or he’s unwell.

No, we're not linked in any way online although if I'm aware of a couple of profiles but he's not a big online user. There is one app that he's on and I'm not and I know where he works.

In theory I know a couple of personal contacts but assuming he's not seriously unwell I've no interest in throwing a grenade into his life.

We had lots of lovely times together and I care for him but it was always going to have to end at some point. I'd just like to know that he's well and ok really.

Obviously partner finding out and confiscating/checking his phone is probably most likely, but he could write a note and post it or drop it over and that's definitely something he would do if there were no other options.

I guess realistically it's only been five days but that has literally never happened in over four years and he knows I would be worried/upset.

This must be very hard for you. Sometimes life events change things... And as your relationship (situationship... What's in a name...) is secret you can't find out/ support each other.

Use the contacts to find out if the issue is his health or some other life event, if you can do so without throwing a grenade in his life. Just "is he all right". If there's an issue involving his kids, his job, from your description he wouldn't disappear without a trace? But if he's in hospital? What if something affected his phone and he's having to reinstall a lot of things, then find you again?

And as you say, another possibility is his wife found out and his family commitment takes precedence.

I don't want to worry you but decades ago when I was single & long before mobile phones I used to see a married guy every so often. I hadn't heard from him for a while so eventually called up his place of work to discover that he had unexpectedly died the previous week!

To be honest this is a main concern of mine.

One of my exes (long after we split but
our families remained friends) died without any warning of an aortic aneurysm and the issue AP was having could be a symptom of that.

And as you say, another possibility is his wife found out and his family commitment takes precedence.

Of course they would - that's always been understood, but we have discussed the possibility that this could happen and he has always sworn that he wouldn't leave me wondering if that was the case. I'd be naive to not think it's a possibility though.

I have done some amateur sleuthing and I have a couple of leads to follow up so hopefully will get to the bottom of whatever's going on in the next couple of days.

Afaic it's finished whatever has happened because I've no desire to be in this situation again, but I would like to know he's ok.

The app we communicate with could be downloaded on a new phone and would retain the previous account and chat.

I have given him my phone numbers as well. It really wouldn't be that hard for him to make contact.

Many years ago I was in a similar (your phrase) situationship which suddenly went quiet. I'd been the "bit on the side", the pressure release for soneone else's unhappy, sexless, dysfunctional but financially dependent marriage.
When the silence broke, some weeks later, it turned our her husband had found an incriminating email she's deleted.
He didn't deserve that.
She shouldn't have had to deal with the repercussions.
And the one who escaped with nothing more than a guilty conscience and a hefty dose of remorse? Me. Young, dumb, and fu... At least I learned from the experience and, having fallen into my own unhappy, sexless, dysfunctional marriage, I'd learned to put my big boy pants on and keep my pants on.

Sorry to say this, but you should probably keep your head down and hope that the reasons are more innocent. Then you should probably walk away, because 99 times out of 100, no one walks away from such situationships unscathed.

Sounds to me like he's ended things, or is trying to, whether his wife's found out or not. If something has happened and he's critically ill or dead, maybe this should be your wake up call to not be involved with married men. You're the one left in the dark here and not a priority.

Holy f. the impossibly naive tone of this post.
He's fucking a new "situationship" and can't be arsed ending it with you.
And it's a 90% bet he's been sleeping with his wife the whole time. The cliche script about the sexless marriage he's fed you is such bs.You could copy paste it from thousands of posts on so many sites.
If you're going to keep doing this with other guys, you need to harden up and be realistic about what's going on. It's not romantic.

Sorry to say this, but you should probably keep your head down and hope that the reasons are more innocent. Then you should probably walk away, because 99 times out of 100, no one walks away from such situationships unscathed.

This.

And I say that as someone who has been in a similar situation - albeit online only. If his wife has found out she's probably made him delete all ways of contacting you (rightly so) and you are in no way a priority in his life for him to try to reach out to you. His partner and kids, no matter what line he's spun you, will always take priority. If he's in a hospital bed unable to reach out.... think of it this way - there is noone who knows about you to tell you. You are a complete and utter secret. It's a sad way to live your life.

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. It turned out his partner was suspicious and he didn't want me dragged into an acrimonious situation. I guess as the other woman I just had to accept it, even though it hurts and I really missed the sex

Infact, I'd imagine OP, if you really thought about it you'd see that everything takes priority over you and it was more of he sees you when he has time, rather than making time to see you.

I would have waited longer than 5 days! It sounds like he planned to ghost you and mentioned feeling unwell as an alibi because he bottled telling you he wanted to end it. Just move on and maybe try not to be the ow next time. You might not realise this yet but that's a low self-esteem issue. Not minding someone not putting you first or wanting to prioritise you in their life. There's no positive reason to be okay with that. Not judging, just sharing.

Also.. are you sure you know where he works.. would he really have told you that? You could check..

Whatever the relationship, this can be a problem with online stuff.

I met my late DH online 25 years ago, and my current partner online ( sheer chance, not on dating apps etc), and because we had nothing to hide, we always had a contact friend that could let the other one know if something dire had happened.

It could be anything. 🤷‍♀️

Several years back I started sleeping with a colleague who I believed was single. Came into work one day and his whole office was empty. Turned out he was using me for a final fling before he and his wife moved abroad. I was so angry.:. But did nothing!

@SheDevilIncarnate - have you heard anything?

Agree. Another possibility is that he found another AP that works better for him than OP (Closer, more available, more attractive, less work required, etc) and doesn't have the bandwidth to manage two APs.