Never had an orgasm, embarrassing

[user210]

I am 36 years old. I have never had an orgasm, nor do I ever masturbate, I just never really had the desire.

I am very attracted to the partners I've had and really enjoyed being close to them and having sex. But I have never orgasmed. I enjoy penetration, not so much having oral because it has never done much for me. I don't know whether it matters, but I haven't had a relationship last longer than 6 months. I also have an anxious attachment when I'm in a relationship and have low self esteem in general, although I feel I look after myself as best I can.

As I said, when I was young going through puberty, I never masturbated, never had the desire. As an adult, I don't either. Although I've tried with fingers I feel nothing.

I wanted to try and become a better version of myself and felt that it would be great to achieve orgasm for my future partner (currently chronically single) and myself to experience what it is like. I have had a partner who wanted me to 'squirt' for him. And I have had a couple of partners ask how to know when I've finished. And that makes me feel awkward because I don't finish and I feel like I disappoint them.

I recently bought a sex toy for the first time. It is a clitoris stimulator. Applied lots of lube, sat comfortably on my sofa, used the toy. It made me squirm and felt ticklish/uncomfortable, it wasn't a pleasant feeling. I suppose part of me feels that at least there must be something there, because it was only in a specific spot where I felt anything. Perhaps that wasn't the toy for me?

Might be worth noting that I have been on antidepressants since the age of 18 so I don't know whether that has had any impact, but even before then, I didn't have any urge for sex or masturbation. But I do fancy men and enjoy flirting and getting close to them, so I am not sure if I am asexual or not, which has sometimes crossed my mind.

Basically I feel so sad about the whole thing and actually believe it might be part of the reason why so many of my relationships have failed because I've always felt like I'm rubbish in the bedroom because I can't please my partner by showing I enjoy them. Which makes me feel worse. I've tried drinking beforehand to loosen me up, nothing works.

I am not sure if I should try another toy, go to a therapist, or if anyone has been in the same position and can give me hope!

Others will speak for how much it's a great experience, etc, but I thought you would enjoy hearing this sex therapist (is that what he is?) saying that orgasms are overrated:

After all, if you have enjoyed sex with men that you had relationships with, why should you measure your "performance" by another standard than "it was good for me"?

Rather than chase orgasms, here are two thoughts that would work with someone like me if I'd ended up with a woman like yourself (I'm male. Not candidating BTW). 1)Be open about this. You might surprise your next partner, they might ask you how you enjoy it, but be frank with them about what you do enjoy, and if you don't want to be experimented on, be clear two. 2)Don't chase a performance. Sex isn't a circus act we do for a partner. It's a way to get close, maybe the closest two people can be, short of one being born out of the other.

A partner worth having will understand that, and... we can't be sure, but you are more likely to 'finish' if you relax and don't chase this!

Thank you for your response, I will watch that video.

I have never been open about it to any sexual partners probably because we were never together long enough for me to feel completely comfortable. Because my relationships have lasted 3-6 months, I feel I have never got to a place where I am fully relaxed with a partner. And because of the years i've had being single, my self esteem has been eroded. Perhaps if I had felt safe in a relationship, things would be different.

Then again it doesn't solve the fact that I never feel a desire to masturbate.

When I really fancy someone I am in a relationship with, I want to be close and intimate with them and enjoy it. So I have questioned in the past if I am asexual, but based on this, I don't think I am?

Any woman who's ever had an orgasm will tell you they are not overrated. A man wouldn't accept so why should a woman? So no, you don't have to accept an orgasmless life. Masturbate and focus on you and you alone. You can and will get there, but focus on the sensations of building pleasure and tension, not the end result. An orgasm is always worth it.

It will be the anti depressants. They are well known for causing sexual issues from what I've read. If you search under orgasm, ssri you'll probably find some helpful threads.

I suspect the only solution is to try a ween yourself off the medication.

Also, the concept that orgasms are over rated is quite frankly one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Relax and explore!

You might have crossed over into the psychological block now OP if it's been going on this long. To want to touch yourself you have to have sexual feelings brought on by a mixture of feelings, desire & bodily chemicals. if you're not feeling desire for something or fantasising about a sexual act to turn you on then orgasms will not be forthcoming. In other words a libido.
Perhaps you are on the asexual spectrum. At first glance this looks like Aromantic but could be deeper.
The website and forum is AVEN if you put this on their forum you might receive opinions about your circumstance from a different audience as it were or there might be case history to read. I don't really like labels, but I feel you want to know for your own well being.
Lastly have you ever had blood tests to ascertain if everything is balanced. Perhaps a visit to the GP for blood tests, a medication review and maybe a referral to a sex therapist.

When I took fluoxetine I could not orgasm- it was so frustrating. When I came off them my orgasms returned and now I’m back to having great sex.

I definitely think I have a bit of a psychological block. Particularly when I have a partner as I want to please them by knowing how to please myself, its frustrating.

I do have desire to have sex when I have a partner and I do think about the sexual act with them. I just don't have the desire to masturbate on my own. Probably because I haven't had a orgasm, I don't find it particularly pleasurable.

My definition of desire is that you're so wanting to be pleasured you can't keep your hands off yourself or your partner and you've got a real urge to have sex. Your mind is racing with filthy thoughts! Is that what your describing when you say I have a desire for sex with a partner?

To me, it doesn't sound like it's medication related as you felt like this before you started taking them. I think you need to learn to make yourself orgasm first before concentrating on a partner. Not to be crude OP, how much time are you spending trying to see what might work for you? Have you had any hormone blood tests?

It will be the anti-depressants in the main, they are notorious for this kind of effect. Speak to the Dr, they will be understanding and may be able to change your medication to one that suppresses libido and sensations less. Good luck.

I am male but my experience was the equivalent of the post above. My sex drive vanished and I lost all sensation and any sort of contact down there felt vaguely annoying. The rest of my body lost some sensation too: I remember scratching my arm and the pain felt sort of dull. I hated being on that drug. I only felt half alive.

Anti depressants lower libido. Discuss with your GP. Don't give up hope.

And... We are all 'meant' to orgasm... The clit's only function is provide pleasure!

My guess it's the anti depressants... They can really wreck sexual response /desire...

Ask your GP if there are alternatives.

PS orgasms are great!!

Are you a romantic and tactile kind of person OP? Kisses, hugs caressing etc.?
Some people are not they undress and get on with it DTD then get dressed and make a cup of tea.

It can help to analyse how you are and if fully ready in all areas.

I think there is an element of the psychological aspect here too.
It's not just sitting in a chair, applying the toy and off you go (though I do do that for a lazy one sometimes!) but do you ever get feelings of arousal - you don't have to answer this publicly, but feeling wet (I think I've assumed you're female, apologies if not), quickened breathing, tingling? Does anything turn you on, a particular scenario, a good memory of a time with a previous partner, a certain person?
If you're not getting aroused then definitely talk to the GP about your meds if this is important to you.
If you are but you're just not hitting climax, then it's a practice makes perfect kind of thing. Give yourself time, try and do it when the mood strikes and view it as a journey not a destination. Focusing on/forcing an orgasm is the quickest way to not having one! If you touch yourself one way, how does that feel, if you change the rhythm, or the intensity, does that make a difference. How about if you play with your nipples. Explore your body basically!
It was only the third man who I slept with who made me orgasm, the first was equally inexperienced and I'm not sure the second cared enough. Up until then I didn't masturbate either, didn't really get horny. I am so glad I met someone where my pleasure was important to them but they didn't put pressure on me.