Never had casual sex before but I think I want to. I'm wondering how best to go about it

[CasualDemelza]

Hello. I've not discussed anything of this nature on MN before, but I've decided to just name change and go for it. I'm 47 and I have been single for the past 3 years. I was divorced at 44. I haven't had sex during that time. I have recently noticed that I have been thinking about sex quite often. I masturbate most days to satisfy myself, but I feel as if there is a part of me that really wants the real thing - especially the lusty, passionate kind, which I haven't had for a very long time. I keep fantasising about men, including men who I have noticed in public and thought were attractive. I've been thinking about having casual sex, but I've never done it before. I've only ever had long-term relationships. I haven't used any apps or anything like that. I am wondering what my best options would be to safely find a partner in this way.

Depends on what your sexual preferences are OP. If you just want vanilla or kink and fetish.
For vanilla probably POF & tinder, hinge, bumble through to feeld, pure, the naughty pond and fabswingers for the more extreme.

Its normal you feel like this and yes masturbation is normal also. I masturbate everyday and im have a DP also.
You should join a dating site and find a person who you can enjoy eachother rather than some random man. You deserve better

Just think back to those times when a man started chatting to you or actually made a play for you.
Could you recreate those situations?

Set up a profile on one of the main free dating sites (I find Bumble and Hinge are best, and least tacky).

When filling in the 'What I'm Looking For' option, don't say 'looking for casual', but 'open to seeing where things go' or similar, which gently flags up possibilities. You'll have no shortage of interest, so be selective. Then meet over a drink and check the other person out to see if you click and they seem decent and trustworthy. I'd avoid hook-up sites and the like.

Serious question and safe suggestion. Do you have a friend who could help? There’s nothing wrong with having sex with a good friend who is unattached.

If you are going to use an online site, l would suggest saying “for friendship, perhaps more”.

@StarlightLady makes a good point actually. I know lots of women on an acquaintance level. If any of them asked me discreetly or gave me some strong hints I would give it some thought.
Provided it was NSA or simply as Friends.

I have never thought of having sex with a male friend. As of right now, I could possibly see it happening with one, but I wouldn't know how to bring up something like that. Also @tanoshi I prefer vanilla sex. I've not really done any kinky stuff.

If it's vanilla you want then it's probably better to stick to the mainstream apps rather than the extreme ones.
Have you had any conversations with this potential friend? Might be an idea to bring it up in a casual and roundabout way. Sort of "fed up of relationships" "much prefer something casual" I think it's a situationship for me next time" "Can't be doing with anything serious right now"

"how about you?"

You get the idea!

Those suggestions certainly sound better than me saying I desperately want a shag - even though that would technically be right, it's a bit too full-on for me.😄

I’ve had sex with a few friends in my time and no regrets. I’ve never fallen out with someone as a result.

Don't ask, don't get!! No pain, no gain!!

Wondering if you’ve made any moves @CasualDemelza ? I’m in the same boat as you (a few years older, but single for 3 years after a 25 year marriage). I really don’t want to join any dating sites but find myself thinking about sex with someone new more and more. I have only slept with one other before I got married and that was over 30 years ago!! It’s a slightly terrifying thought (especially as I have anatomy issues now and not sure if it even all works anymore!). My preference would be a good friend with benefits but don’t have any suitable friends…

If i wanted a casual date i have no idea where i’d look as most of my single mates say the dating sites tend to be full of players and vanity, i think i’d probably just ask people i met that i connected with while i was out and about in everyday life to see if that worked first.

It’s painful to see that on here there are ladies that are looking to have intimacy and on the other hand there are men and women sat in sexless relationships, the irony, maybe MN should have a proper dating site for genuine people.

I'm going for a walk, then grocery shopping and popping to the post office. If you bump into me ask. :)

Sounds like the sex surge of peri-menopause! You’re at the age I was when I started to be like this!

Casual sex would be a no for me. I just couldn’t do it. A ‘special friend’ might be an option but aren’t you craving all of the other stuff a relationship brings? Maybe try the dating apps or get out there in the wild and find one.

Just be careful, with your body and your heart.

You've got to find a "special" friend somewhere why not Tesco :)

Tesco???? The minimum standard is Sainsburys - followed by Waitrose & then of course M&S.

Anyone familiar with the term."situationship'?

A romantic or sexual connection that involves emotional intimacy and time spent together, but lacks clear labels, official status, or formal commitment.

Can you get a situationship at one of the retail outlets above?

Buy one get one free.
Club card points.

What about Next or River Island don't men have to buy clothes too

With a pre-existing friend, there is a chance of one party "developing feelings". What happens after that could be good or bad. Or what if you found out the friend you've been having coffee with for years has a discrete proclivity for some hardcore fetish that's not to your liking? I'd say don't risk something you're not prepared to lose, whereas the received wisdom is something like Feeld is more built for FWBs and I doubt you're any less "safe" with that than a more LTR oriented dating site.

These days, if I got hit on by a friend who said she was just after sex, I'd be wary.

Is there a particular reason you don't want a relationship? Admittedly they seem a lot less fashionable for middle aged divorcees these days.

I just couldn’t do it. A lot of my issue around this is that I’d have to have feelings for someone (and that would bring the passion out in me, as a female). To have a casual encounter just sounds so cold to me. And, of course, one of you could develop feelings if you met up regularly…then what?

I feel precisely the same. It'd cause me more problems!