Help!! No sex... ive put my foot in it this time

[Theloudbiscuit]

As a husband I need some advice!! I will try and keep this as short as possible but bear with me 👏... Im 38 and wife is 40, been married for 8 year together for 12years, 2 beautiful young boys who we adore...
Wife started a new job 12 months ago and absolutely loves it, however looking from the outside it seems the honeymoon period is over (within the job) and cracks are starting to appere, mostly due to bitchyness between staff... so understandably my wife is upset and somewhat deflated, we both work long hours and between the kids finishing school and bedtime we both interact with our children but once they are in bed it seems we have zero time for us!!! I've try to ask about her day and it can be a sore subject and can end in us arguing...we dont interact physically like cuddling etc and sex is little and not so often, 5 times we have been sensually active this year 😢
Last night I gave her a cuddle in bed, and it was most certainly one sided!! I maybe sounding selfish but Im so attracted to my wife and I really enjoy sex WHEN it happens, however I'm tired of trying and being rejected so a number of reasons.. ive opened up about how I feel this morning and now it'sblown up big time, her answer was " why have you dumped this on me with all that's going on"

Am I being selfish? I could really do with some guidance here and please dont hold back... if I'm out of order I'd appreciate the honesty from you guys.

Much love " theloudbiscuit"
#menneedsextoo 🤣

I’m sure some will be along soon at tell you that everything is your fault- however, I’m more than a decade older than your and my relationship went the same way ( no kids ), little sex to no sex to roommates to splitting in about a 10 year period

my advice would be , forget about sex ( for now);- support your wife any way you can- take over the main household duties , support your kids and build your own life - and get ready to ditch her in about 5 years time if things are not working out for you

Try being more intimate with your wife and then perhaps she may be more inclined to want you as her lover.

You need to have a calm conversation with her about it. Sex should not feel like a chore. It sounds like a bit of a defensive response on her part. You need to get to the bottom of it and it’s likely because she’s overwhelmed in another part of her life. Ironically, sex is a great way to relax and switch off from the daily grind.

Yet again, why do men always post on a predominantly female forum wanting us to advise them how to persuade their wives to have more sex with them, it’s practically the same post copy and pasted each time

have a wank and put the washing on dude

Can I ask why you aren’t cuddly/touchy-feely with each other? Has it always been like that?

Don't like the post? Scroll past it's that simple

Good question, this is going to sound ridiculous 😂 about 2 years ago she dismantled the corner sofa and put them either side of the room so the kids had a bigger space to play! So now we have a seat each, we always cuddled of an evening before then, she'd lay with her head in my arms, but now we just sit and watch the TV from either side of the room until bed time! By which time she turns over and sleeps

Could very well be.. she's very dedicated to her job, always going beyond. I think I will have to put my feeliaside and just support her

FFS 😂

The same reason women post on MN complaining about being in sexless relationships. Possibly men's reasons are better, because they're asking the women for advice rather than the manosphere.

Wow what a joy you are!

Does that mean there is no affection whatsoever?

I wouldn't say nothing at all.. its hard to show affection especially at the moment because tempers are short and we both seem to be full of hot air, I want to and I think she would appreciate it.. however, to do so I think we both need to cool off and just go with it, bit at the same time I certainly find it hard to be cool about it because I'm upset I guess. We have talked yesterday, she's spending time away on holiday with our boys (unfortunately I have to work) but meeting them next week 😀 I think a little time apart may very well help! I hope so anyway

I think you need to forget sex for a while and work on affection. She might not want affection because she thinks it's just a prelude to sex. Make affection a thing in itself and then when things are better between you, then you can start thinking about sex.

Also why are you both working such long hours? Is risking your relationship by working yourselves to death really worth it? Start looking at your work/life balance.

I hear you... the hours in which we work is just something we've always done! It pays the bills and we have no money worries at all... we have a holiday home that we vacate to most weekend, wife and kids will be there for most of the summer holidays.. my wife may have low libido but my desire for sex with her is through the roof!! It's stalemate rite now and its just as tough for the male as it is the woman. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it

Spring clean the lounge and put the corner sofa back together 👍

So simple. So effective! 🙌

Maybe the spark has gone for her. Maybe dismantling the sofa was less to give the DC more space to play and more to give her more space from you.

What is the relationship like otherwise? Are you doing your share of chores (without being asked) and parenting?

It's not uncommon for some women to go off sex after DC. It could be hormones, could be lack of desire, maybe she's touched out by the kids and doesn't want you touching her too. Maybe you're not pulling your weight at home, or maybe she just doesn't fancy you any more. Without knowing the reason for her disinterest, it's hard for strangers to advise.

We had a discussion on Saturday, she said she's still very much attracted to me.. I can start work at 6am and not come home till 11pm some nights, so dont do chores on them days but I like to keep a tidy house etc, there are days I like to sit back and have a day without doing anything, im on call with my job so its hard to catch a break. Today she's sent me a message and said she thinks she's suffering from burnout!so ive decided to cut bk on hours at work so I can take on all the chores..

Overwhelm and stress are libido killers. Its hard to feel sexy when you are knackered.

If you asking about her day turns into an argument it suggests to me you are either offering her solutions to problems or invalidating how she feels.

If that's happening, try listening without fixing, ask how things have made her feel, support her by agreeing with her ('I can see that's upset you/ that sounds tough/ that must have been hard') and don't say 'why didn't you XXX/ you should XXX / I would do XXX'.

Offer her a hug (do not make this a bum grab, boob grab or anything sexual!), tell her she's got this & you're in her corner and if you can, offer a gesture, make her a drink so she cat sit for 5 mins, finish the household task she was about to do so she can have a shower or take a walk around the block to de-stress.

.Make it very clear when you touch her to show affection that it isn't with the expectation of sex. Being grabbed, groped and pawed at are huge turn offs.

Tbh I do offer my solution and its probably not the rite thing to say. I'll take on board what you've said. Thanks for your input 😊

I think you've discussed it and are putting changes in place OP. All the right things. Good luck. 😁

My experience has been if my wife has not settled then sex was the last thing on her mind. Settled meant that the children were fed and happily asleep, knowing there would be no last minute rush in the morning to finish homework, for instance, bins were out, no loose ends from the day; things we men do not always have at the front of our minds. You mentioned burnout in a previous post and you cutting back on all day in the office, and you had a chat that affirmed your mutual attraction. Good start. I hope you can discuss how to help each other feel settled at bedtime and that might lead to the intimacy you both desire.