Did I break my husband by talking about involving others??

[usernamegal]

I am not sure if I broke something or not. We have been together with my husband for ages. We are happy sex is good, but for a few years I have had a kink of imagining playing with more people (women), threesomes, groups together. I was lead to believe that most men would love that so I gathered the courage to express this kink to my husband, who now retreated from intimacy a bit. Only been a few days but I can feel how much he keeps thinking about this. It was nothing crazy, we always talked through everything, but he just told me that he has no desire involving other people into our sex life. He said nothing hurtful but I know him, he is upset for sure. Didn't shut off, when I ask he can talk about it and is not shooting the subject down, but I think I was way too forward and honest about this. In my pitch I said that it is the ultimate kink for me and I would regret not experiencing it. Now I am thinking I should have been more delicate about it because he said he can't really be on board with it and not sure what to do about this. I am slightly panicking about this. Did I mess something up because of my kink?

Question for the girls: Did you experience anything like this? What did you do to fix it?
Question for the boys: How would you react your wife wanted to bring in other women in the bedroom?

Please no private messages from creeps!

Hi @usernamegal
Well, that is a tough one. By the sound of it - correct me if I am wrong - you have an otherwise ok relationship.

What you described is honestly a fear I used to have ages ago, and your husband now lives it - I really feel for the guy. I am not trying to make you feel bad, just sharing that if someone doesn't like the thought of others touching their spouse, this is an impossible situation. I am like that. The thought of anyone else touching my wife, man or woman, does not excite me, it makes me feel frustrated and upset, I could never take part in something like that. So, while there are men who are into that, not all of as are.

And this is where the problem starts: The way you brought it up. Not only it is shocking to hear, but you phrased it so it is on your bucket list, something you absolutely want. There would be a difference if you phrased it as a question - Hey, have you ever fantasised about? And his response could have given you his view on it. I would feel pretty depressed in his shoes, because now there is a clear, articulated incompatibility issue, and he doesn't know how to solve it. And honestly, the solution is with you. Is it something you can keep as a fantasy and ensure him about it? Or is it something that you will want, no matter what? I am not into jumping into suggesting separation like a lot of people on MN, but if this is not his world and you do want this, you may need to consider separating. If you are happy to keep it a kink? But you need to be honest about this to yourself.

Well, if it came completely out of the blue he is probably very shocked and wondering if he really knows who he has been married to. He probably thinks this has come about because something is lacking in your sex life.
By saying its an ultimate kink and you’d regret not trying it you have opened Pandora’s box and he is always going to wonder what happens if he doesn’t go along with it.
You probably haven’t broken anything but you’ve certainly changed the dynamics

Thanks @exhaustDAD
Yeah, otherwise we are good. He is not lacking in the bedroom, I just think I got bored with our sex life over the years. It makes sense what you are saying. Honestly, I was stupid to think every man automatically would love the idea. The thing is however, I don't think I could live my life without trying this lifestyle. I really want it. It sounds crazy to blow up our marriage over this but at the same time I dont want to lead a double life where I go to have sex with other people behind his back. I wonder if it's something he could warm up to once things settle.

Thanks @Wherearemymarbles . Yeah, that sounds about right, about Pandora's box. There is no way to take it back, and in a way, I am glad it is out, question is how to go forward. I also don't like seeing him being down about it. But also, I am glad I shared.

If he is intrinsically monogamous he won’t warm to the idea. He might go along with it until he finds someone else to fall in love with, all done in plain sight.

Well. Just like @Wherearemymarbles says, it probably makes him feel like he's lacking.
I would forget about "him warming up to it". If he is not into this, why would he do something he doesn't feel comfortable with? Nobody should, in sex, be forced to do something they are not comfortable with.

It sounds to me that you would rather go and live this lifestyle than keeping it a fantasy and your marriage intact. It is unfortunate, but if you don't want the same things from intimacy, you are simply not compatible any more...

I haven't even considered that. I thought it could be something he would try and maybe get a taste for it.

Oh wow. Nope. Read back what you just said. It is not really ok... monogamy might not be a big deal to you, but for someone who is monogamous, it is heart-breaking and the ultimate deal-breaker when it comes to relationships and intimacy.

For me, sex with my wife is special, it is something that is just ours, no work stress, no wars, no politics and council taxes, school pickups and broken sinks. It is something that only belongs to us, a time to connect and make each other feel special. See? That is an entirely different view on monogamous sex with a spouse.

Not saying you are "bad" to want these things, but please understand that if your husband does not see it that way, it is not right to nudge him to try

yeah, I get that I think. But the excitement and pleasure surely counts for something and you could get lost in it in exchange?

Please don'y say this to your husband if you don't want him to run away screaming... You are missing the point. Entirely. You are only considering your point of view.

There was a post on here from a lady whose husband basically pestered her continually with his desire for a threesome and when she jokingly said 'never say never' he was practically hiring someone there and then and she was horrified. She had been saying no because a threesome wasn't her thing and his alacrity at acting on what he thought was her saying yes was a terrible thing.

If it's not his thing, it's not his thing. Now he's going to think you are thinking about this all the time and waiting to 'break him down' until he agrees. I think you've become incompatible and this might now be the beginning of the end.

Male here and I think this was a classic case of you misreading the room so to speak.

Yes for the majority of men watching their partner with another woman is number 1 fantasy and this is something I experienced with a previous casual gf, as well as seeing her with other men and yes it was a turn on.

However I am now engaged to a wonderful woman and the thought of seeing her with someone else just doesn't interest me. I also think the "regret not experiencing it" was a major error, as others have said that puts so much pressure on him to agree

got it. You are probably right about it not changing.

I can see how that is stepping over multiple lines. I wouldn't just go ahead, that is crazy. However, I am now thinking all of you are right about this compatibility thing. That is a pretty daunting realisation for me.

I thought simply that if he agreed and we tried, he would just see the excitement of it. You know, don't knock it until you try it - type of thing. But I am beginning to see that it was misguided

Either way I hope you can sort it out. You say you are happy in all other ways so I'm sure you can get past it which is surely the important thing now

How does your husband fit into your plan? What would be his involvement, if any, with the other women? And when you say group, is that another couple.....?
Your proposal clearly was a shock to him, maybe he just sees himself as a bit part player . What person wants to sidelined.
To answer the question what would I think? I've always thought that if the opportunity came along I'd jump at the idea. BUT a little while ago my wife returned home from a friend's birthday party and revealed she'd been kissed by a lesbian friend. At first I found the idea a real turn on. By the following morning it really bothered me. Nothing came of it apart from my wife reiterating she isn't into women.

Level of involvement is almost not important @Olddad72 . She said "he just told me that he has no desire involving other people into our sex life". So, with that in mind, it doesn't matter if he would be in the middle of it, or watching, or whatever people do, he does not want any.

Fair comment

I think I need to do some thinking as well. I would like to keep our marriage intact, but at the same time I don't see myself not wanting this.

Good luck. You are the best person to know what's best for you. But I would just say this much - be careful if you decide to separate for the fantasy. I can see an outcome where you do it all, and then you regret sacrificing an otherwise good relationship. It might be the right thing, but consider this, please.

If you take your husband at his word, and respect his point of view, is he able to do the same with you? I ask because perhaps the monogamy and love you share, can evolve into something more freeing for you. Whilst not spelling the end of what you two have, the evolution of your relationship could be challenging, but not necessarily threatening. I’ve been in the swinging world for a long long time and met many folks who whilst absolutely committed and in love with their other halves, have the freedom to explore sexually on their own.

He loves you, is probably a little shocked. Give him time to ask questions in his own way and in the meantime, continue to be a loving wife; that is after all what you are.

Same story really. Me exploring on my own is still me having sex with other people outside of my marriage, he has no interest in it.

Yeah. I can see that. I would be the same. Not wanting to involve others in our sex life means that I would feel the same about my wife playing with others without me. Absolutely no way.

When you say “he has no interest in it” do you mean he won’t accept you doing it on your own…?