Did I break my husband by talking about involving others??

[usernamegal]

I am not sure if I broke something or not. We have been together with my husband for ages. We are happy sex is good, but for a few years I have had a kink of imagining playing with more people (women), threesomes, groups together. I was lead to believe that most men would love that so I gathered the courage to express this kink to my husband, who now retreated from intimacy a bit. Only been a few days but I can feel how much he keeps thinking about this. It was nothing crazy, we always talked through everything, but he just told me that he has no desire involving other people into our sex life. He said nothing hurtful but I know him, he is upset for sure. Didn't shut off, when I ask he can talk about it and is not shooting the subject down, but I think I was way too forward and honest about this. In my pitch I said that it is the ultimate kink for me and I would regret not experiencing it. Now I am thinking I should have been more delicate about it because he said he can't really be on board with it and not sure what to do about this. I am slightly panicking about this. Did I mess something up because of my kink?

Question for the girls: Did you experience anything like this? What did you do to fix it?
Question for the boys: How would you react your wife wanted to bring in other women in the bedroom?

Please no private messages from creeps!

Yeah. That is true. If I was a man wanting threesomes, I would be under fire for sure. I have been on MN enough to agree. But other than that, I feel like I have to be true to myself. I don't have the energy to do these things behind him, and go off to cheating adventures. I just miscalculated and didn't think my husband was not willing to try this.

OP if your main reason for not cheating on your DH is that you don't have the energy for it then it sounds like you don't really respect him or value your marriage.

You need to think about what you want out of life. Just be careful that if you don't cherish and value what you have that decision might be made for you. You might not enjoy the freedom to do what you like with whoever you want so much as you expect.

I know you only live once but life is long and fleeting sexual partners don't equate to a loving marriage and all that comes with it.

I'm sorry your husband is now talking divorce, OP. Although I can understand why. I'd be the same. Even if I said no and he agreed to never mention it again, there would always be that little voice saying "you're not enough" or be wondering if he's doing it behind my back and I'd probably never want to have sex with him again.

Also, if this is something that would make my husband happy - if it's something that he needs to be happy - how can I "forbid" him? We all want the person we love to be happy. That means I have one option - to split.

I completely agree with other posters who want a relationship with their spouse and spouse only - although I am not coming from a religious viewpoint - I'm just very much a love the one you're with kinda gal.

It sounds like you've made up your mind to be true to yourself. I hope your divorce is worth it. Good Luck OP.

Just throwing something out there, I know it's an obvious and easy dig though.
If the OP was a man talking the same way he would be hounded and the majority would be saying leave him, you shouldn't feel pressured etc.
Sorry OP you are coming across as a bit spoilt here and wanting it your way or no way

(I’m M) I know “the horse has bolted” so to speak, and you’ve said already you misjudged the reaction…… I’d be thinking “ok, that’s how she feels, but how come we seem to have become distant in our desires, that you kind of blurted it out…?” That might make me a little sad, that that distance had appeared between us.
You have a good man it would seem, and strong desires……just take your time and talk some more….. and then more…. and verbally explore each of your desires… you’ve a long way to go before you have to make big decisions…..don’t let either of you make a big one without really talking lovingly together first. You owe that to each other.

It academic now, but what was your plan? Did you have someone in mind to join you or were you going to find someone together? I'd imagine, although I might be wrong, finding a bi sexual/ gay woman to join you in a threesome would be a challenge all on its own.

I realise that I am in a privileged position a lot of people dream about. Not going to pretend I am not. But right now, seems like my way or no way will not really work. Because my way would be exploring this fantasy with my husband. Which will not happen, it ie becoming clearer every day.

I also see what you mean. Men have been taken apart in similar situation.

I don't know about that. And yes, I will stand by it. I don't want a double life. I don't want to lie and make plans to not get caught. I want to live my best life not a double life. Right now I am thinking hard. Trying to imagine a future. I love this man. But I don't want to grow a frustration because of this limitation. Either about life or towards him

I don't know. We are past that point. I don't want to pretend and role-play, I have toys, I don't want to substitute this strong kink with something else. This is what I want. How does exploring each others' kinks help here? I know his. He knows mine. But mine seems to be a problem for what our relationship is. I get what you are saying, but it is not applicable for us.

Didn't have a plan. Don't have anyone specific in mind. It is not about that. And at the moment that seems to be unimportant to try and figure out as we might not even be a couple if this keeps going the way it is now.

I think you could have recovered from the initial shock, but you have blown up your marriage now - no coming back from this now

This isn't my thing but each to their own. I either want to give my full attention to 1 other or be receiving the full attention of 1 other.

I can only suggest another conversation needs to be had as soon as possible. It sounds like make or break time.

Here’s one potential pathway forward to trial that seeks to save the marriage. It involves compromise by both, but you could see how it goes.

You could visit online chat rooms (e.g. Literotica chat) and have fantasy erotic discussions, and/or serious conversations with females, say, if you wish to explore your bi side. It’s a great, fun and upbeat community and you might find it a healthy support that scratches an itch for now at least. In time, your real life urges might pass, although I understand your desires have been long and deeply held and are embedded. Anyway, your compromise is that you don’t progress anything in real life, only in the virtual world online. His compromise is that he allows you the freedom to do this. You could trial this for six months, say, and see how you both get on.

You’ve obviously given him the major ick with your desire for others and that prevents him from finding you arousing now, it seems. Whether that ick for him will pass in time.. who knows.

Another pathway is of course for you to blow the doors off and walk away at some point, and live your life the way you wish to.

Even if you had exposed your desire with a softly, softly approach, such as, “I had a hot dream last night.. etc…” , I guess you would still have ended up where you are now. I get that you want to be you and you don’t want any regrets. I’m sure that many husbands would love to add a woman to their bed.

Anyway, I believe you were after ideas for ways forward, and the chat room one is my suggestion.

I appreciate the input, but I have no desire to do anything online. It does nothing for me. I can't imagine substituting anything.

I dont think I ever heard of a man getting the ice, but it makes sense. Hope not though.

We talk every day. He is willing to talk at least. But I am unsure what to make of all this.

He's still here. I am hoping we'll find a way somehow. Just don't see it at the moment

I think this is one of those genie out of the bottle moments, by the sounds of you spoke quite candidly about wanting to introduce a 3rd person, if he is not interested in that ( completely his choice) then it’s impossible to take back as it always be in the back of mind- hate to say it - but possibly the beginning of the end as these kind of things are pretty difficult to come back from

I get what you're saying about only living once OP but it looks like you've just blown up your marriage and desperately hurt your DH and you're still banging on about your right to shag multiple people and how you can bulldoze your DH consent after he's said he doesn't want to?

You're coming off as chronically selfish but it looks like you'll get your wish anyway because he's thinking about divorcing you.

Maybe get off MN and try and sort your marriage out.

I can see how I come off as selfish and maybe I am. Right now I am trying to figure out what I would be end up regretting in the future

But surely your marriage to your DH that you've described in hugely favourable terms should be your absolute priority against an itch you want to scratch that might not turn out to be as good as you're expecting?

The fact that you're still debating and trying to work that out when your DH is now talking divorce and doesn't want to have sex with you and is hurt tells me you're happy to blow your marriage up anyway.

If you are bothered about him there wouldn't be a moment where you'd still be weighing up the group sex.

Aren't you that bothered about the fact your marriage might be over?

It is a bit disheartening how you seem to phrase things even in this stage you are in @usernamegal. You forget one thing - It is probably not just up to you any more. You keep considering the two options, staying with your husband or going separate ways and having multiple sex partners.. But maybe the first option is not even an option any more. Don't forget, he needs to want to be in the relationship, too. And in all honesty, I wouldn't if I was him.

Reading back my posts I can see how I come off like I don't care. Truth is I am trying to convince myself that my husband and I will stay together no matter what. I know it is wishful thinking but the opposite is too scary

From another perspective... I'm a single lady who likes to join couples. It is blatantly obvious and off putting when one part of the couple is not into it.

I met my ex through a swinging site so he knew I was bi and enjoyed threesomes. He was happy for me to go and meet women on my own as it wasn't something he could fulfill but he didn't want any threesomes that didn't involve him. That's totally understandable and the boundaries were clear from the get go.

It sounds a bit like you went straight in a bit heavy handed rather than being a bit tactful about how you approached what is actually a delicate conversation between a couple who have always been monogamous. I'm afraid to say it may not be your choice now, I can see how your DH might find this has coloured his view of you.
I'd certainly find it hard if I was monogamous and the other person turned round and said they wanted to see other people/include other people in what I thought was an otherwise healthy relationship and sex life. Particularly if they said it was non-negotiable. I'd feel like I was pretty low on their priorities, not good enough and doubt what we'd had to that point if they could throw it away over a fantasy, and I'd struggle to move on from that. I think you need to try and see it from his perspective.

Thanks. I agree I need to consider and imagine what it is like in his shoes.

I used to really fancy sailing. I had this vision of myself loving it and maybe sailing round the world. Then I went away for a week sailing in Croatia and I hated it. I would have been devastated if I'd had to leave my wife to try it out

I have had threesomes. I actually don't like them either. I like to concentrate on one person at a time. Maybe it's because men can't multi-task...