Did I break my husband by talking about involving others??

[usernamegal]

I am not sure if I broke something or not. We have been together with my husband for ages. We are happy sex is good, but for a few years I have had a kink of imagining playing with more people (women), threesomes, groups together. I was lead to believe that most men would love that so I gathered the courage to express this kink to my husband, who now retreated from intimacy a bit. Only been a few days but I can feel how much he keeps thinking about this. It was nothing crazy, we always talked through everything, but he just told me that he has no desire involving other people into our sex life. He said nothing hurtful but I know him, he is upset for sure. Didn't shut off, when I ask he can talk about it and is not shooting the subject down, but I think I was way too forward and honest about this. In my pitch I said that it is the ultimate kink for me and I would regret not experiencing it. Now I am thinking I should have been more delicate about it because he said he can't really be on board with it and not sure what to do about this. I am slightly panicking about this. Did I mess something up because of my kink?

Question for the girls: Did you experience anything like this? What did you do to fix it?
Question for the boys: How would you react your wife wanted to bring in other women in the bedroom?

Please no private messages from creeps!

That is literally what he said when I outlined what my fantasy is. He has no interest or desire to involve anyone, doesn't matter if it is man or woman, either way. Then I asked if he ever fantasised about it at all, he said no, and that he is more traditional, and believes that we should only be intimate with each other. Then he asked what I was missing or if I was changing my sexuality at all. When I said I think this makes me maybe bi that I would play with him and an additional woman together, he rubbed his face a bit and said he can't say he needed these news in his life. Then I tried sweet-talking him a bit and told him to imagine what it would be like if two women were pleasing him together, and he just waved it aside that it does nothing for him, and he hates the thought of someone else touching me.

Why would anyone who is monogamous and have zero interest in opening up the relationship at all be ok with letting the partner do it without them @Maccar305 ?

OP, it seems you are going to have to decide one way or the other. He has made his position clear, is your marriage more important than your desires?

@usernamegal
To his credit, he’s been honest with you, and obviously you respect his right to hold his views, even if you had wished for something different.
Leaves you in a difficult position doesn’t it. I’m not sure I’ve helped you at all, but I really hope you find that personal balance you’re looking for.

That’s for a different thread I would suggest.

I just found it an odd question to ask when it was clear from the husband's reaction that it would be a no.

There is a very real possibility, OP, that you decide to end your existing marriage in order to pursue your fantasy and find that the reality of your dream is not as you imagine it

There are many fantasies that work better in the head than they do in the bed.

But that's life, isnt it? You won't know until you try; but be aware you may regret your actions. You know what they say: you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Look at the number of people on this site who would give their eye teeth to have what you have: a loving, caring, considerate partner. They're not easy to find

Time for some serious thinking about your relationship and about yourself. Is there no other way you could spice up your sex life without involving other people? Or is there a way you could both go to a swingers club purely to observe without getting involved, to see if that changes the view of either of you?

"darrrling....I'm bored with our sex life, I want to include other women".

This will play on his mind for years to come.

Male here: no it's not a ubiquitous male fantasy the pressure of porn and SM....

On the upside, it does sound like you've had an open and adult conversation of it.

edit:
the noise of porn and SM.

I get what you are saying. At the moment I feel like I absolutely have to get the satisfaction of seeing this fantasy through, ideally make it part of my sex life for good. But Now after the comments I am worried that I will make a choice I will regret. So now I am thinking.

Yes. we always communicated well. And he expressed himself clearly. I am afraid I may have put that bug in his mind for ever. Without wanting to hurt him, it is true though. Is he enough? he is fine, but I can't say enough any more. This just makes me sound ungrateful, but just honest.

my husband and I have been having discussions about this & it is something we both want to try - either MFM or MFF.

It is a shared fantasy & something we want to explore.

But If either of us didn’t want to go down this route, I think we would both leave it as a fantasy.

Imagine it the other way around OP. Your DH has a fantasy that is something you absolutely don't want to do.

You tell him no thanks and he tells you he HAS to try it. Where does that leave you? Your marriage?

Blowing up an otherwise happy marriage because of a fantasy is a big step.

That is nice. I am bit jealous.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. But I can't help but feel worried that I will regret it either way. Not living the fantasy in this case

So what is it you want to do with the other women ? give oral ,suck on their breasts, kissing them the way your loving husband obviously doesn’t.

I think @Chatterlyssecret has asked the right question What do you want? Have you watched some lesbian porn and thought "I want that" whatever that is for you.
Some women want to feel the warmth and softness that develops from love or affection into a feeling of belonging. It is certainly different with a woman. What do you have at the moment with DH? Or what did you have up till a few days ago?
Has this revelation of your put him off sex with you?

I never said he was bad at doing these things. I specifically said in my original post that he is good in bed. I don't have a specific desire in terms of specific body parts, my fantasy is about being with multiple people at the same time. For example, so there is someone I am playing with with my mouth while my husband is doing PIV, or me playing with my husband while someone else is pleasuring me, etc.

No. I find the number exciting, more things to do and touch at the same time. It is funny to read that "It is certainly different for a woman". I don't need someone to tell me how it is for me, really. I think I know me.

What I had with my husband until a few days ago: more or less regular sex, maybe 1 or 2 times a week. The odd week without any here or there. What I have now since the revelation: I attempted once but he said he is not in the mood now.

It always happens this way every time the woman gets bored
Feels like she won’t live her best life without experiencing something yet wants to hold onto something that is good

This is why they tell you before you get married to experience all these things
If I was a single guy and my girlfriend wanted to bring a girl into the room, absolutely would’ve been fun

But years down the road being married in monogamous marriage following the word of God because that’s what marriage is. It’s under God it’s not some legal doctrine that everybody uses it for. It’s actually under the church that’s where marriage came from. Otherwise, it’s legal union.

So now you put your faithful husband in a precarious position
A lot of people would say it’s just sex. Do what you want. Have fun bring somebody into the room.
But then there’s the real impact emotionally
That there’s a man that has been faithful his entire life to you being married

And when we talk about kinks or fantasies in the bedroom, it probably did not center around bringing other people into it

People who have open marriages should not be married. The end.
That is not what marriage is

So if you’re looking to open up your marriage and bring people into the bedroom, be prepared for your marriage to end that is a reality

Some people will say that my response here is an overreaction
But it’s really not

If you got married in a church, you were following the word of God

If you got married somewhere, random, not in a church and not by an ordained minister or priest or whomever it was just a minister for the day type deal
That means you have a legal union only you were not married under God

Even if your husband and you do not go to church yet you married in a church and you took those vows seriously I would review your commitment to one another first and foremost

If you cannot live without having sex with another person, other than your husband, then you better file for divorce

I know this is a long winded post and I know I sound extreme in my response

But the reality is there is a very big difference when you were married under God versus a legal union

There are plenty of people in this world that are married that open up their marriage and they are happy doing so
That is fine if people choose to do that
That choice, however if they are in a real marriage under God is a violation of their vows and they know it and that’s fine. They can live with that.

You will have to sit down with your husband and see what impact your desires are going to have on the future of your marriage

Just understand there’s a real possibility that it can end

Interesting take on the matter @Winterbolt
While I agree on the very real toll emotionally, and the harm something like this can cause, I am not sure about the religious angle. If that is not something the couple cares about, it is not really an argument that can stand, not for them at least. And don't get me wrong, nothing sounds worse to me than bringing in extra people into our sex life with my wife, I would rather end my relationship than go ahead with something like that, myself... But if two people want the same things from life, that could work... problem is, when one person's fantasies are completely incompatible with the other person..

Neither of us care much about religion.
I am more worried about losing my husband over my sexual desires now. Today he mentioned that he is considering the possibility that we should divorce. Because he will never be able to fulfil this for me. This whole thing certainly went differently than what I imagined

Sorry to hear. That is definitely not something I wish on anyone... But I can't say I am surprised much. I don't think I'd be able to go ahead like nothing happened. Now, you really need to ask yourself - is this something you could leave as a fantasy without it becoming resentment for missing out or cheat, or is this important enough to separate over?

I understand what you are saying. I really made a mistake when I said I absolutely have to have this because I only live once. But it is the truth. Just because we have this issue now I still want it. So I don't know what to do. I am in my early 40s, I have this strong fantasy and strong urge to do it, if I don't get to, I don't know what negativity I would develop by the time I am in my mid 50s for example. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I need it still, but I also don't want to lose this man I loved for so long, he is really good too, far cry from the shitty husbands we read so much about here on MN

Without the need to hurt your feelings - trust me, I am not trying to be rude here - But we are adults, our choices and actions have consequences. Such is life. You describe your position as someone who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Yes, if you stick with your husband instead of sex with multiple people, it can easily happen that later in life you will not be happy with the choice you made today. But if you decide to sacrifice the relationship to pursue the fantasies, it can happen, too. I can easily see a scenario where you are sitting at home, alone, after a weekend of I dunno, fun, thinking that you'd rather have that man, than the meaningless bodily joys that you at that point have gotten bored with. Both can happen. And may I say, whatever you choose to do, whatever option you exclude, it will always have the classic "grass is greener" effect, because you don't live it, you imagine the best aspects of it. But I may be jumping ahead...by the sound of it, the choice is not yours alone, your husband has a very clear say in this.. So even if you choose to stay with him, he might not feel confident enough to go along with it.

And can I just also point out, that you have a lot of good points to ponder given by a lot of posters here, but if you were a man in the exact same situation, oh, you would have at least 11 pages worth of calling you all kinds of names by now. It's just for perspective, to consider the whole "cake and eat it too" aspect.