The emotional roller coaster of an almost sexless relationship?

[bellalula]

How do people cope with the emotions of having very infrequent sex with a partner? It's driving me nuts.

We've been together 8 years, but we don't live together (blended families definitely wouldn't work for us), so I only see dp 'properly' once a fortnight, on our child free weekends. Personally, after two weeks apart, I'm gagging for sex, and it used to happen as a priority almost every fortnight, initially more than once during those weekends. Five years in and, now it's dropped to once every 8 weeks at best, sometimes much longer (I think we've managed it half a dozen times in the last two years).

So every fortnight I get my hopes up, anticipating a good shag, and then nothing happens - he'll just roll over and fall asleep if he's not in the mood. The rejection really gets me down. And then we go another two weeks without another opportunity, and by then I'm even more sexually frustrated (yes, I relieve myself in between). I get my hopes up, feel dejected, and the cycle just repeats. And then on the odd occasion we do actually have sex, because it's purely when he feels up for it, I end up feeling a bit used and resentful afterwards. I'm pretty sure he knows that I'm always going to be up for it since it's so infrequent anyway, and I've never turned him down - that'd just be cutting my nose off to spite my face, wouldn't it?

So it's like an emotional roller coaster of desire, anticipation, rejection, and disappointment. Last time we had sex was over Christmas, so its coming up to 4 months now. And this time, I'm feeling like I've given up on the idea of it. Despite feeling majorly horny, I'm now feeling resentful and like admitting defeat. Why get my hopes up when I'm almost certainly going to get rejected? It's probably coming round to the part of the cycle when he does decide he wants some sex, and the thought of that is now making me feel slightly anxious. I've been trying to suppress the horniness for so long, do I dare to let my sex drive take over?

In many ways I feel it would actually be easier to be in completely sexless relationship than have it so infrequently. At least I'd know exactly what to expect, and to never get my hopes up. How do others in this situation cope with the hormones/emotions of it all?

I think it time to move on OP unless you can resolve this situation.

I don’t think this is a you or hormone problem - it is a relationship problem.

I am in a similar position to you ( together 6 years) and although it’s not as often as before it’s a least 10 times a month ( I also see him 2 week nights a week).

Have you ever brought up the lack of sex ? What’s it like when you do have sex?

An interesting (but not particularly helpful) response to this is that your account of your emotions is very similar to what I, a man, would say, and did used to think in the early part of my relationship. It interests me that, whilst it may be true that men and women have different attitudes to sex, those that suffer in sexless relationships suffer equally, whether they're male or female.

I'm a reluctant expert in sexless relationships. The only advice I can give is to get his full attention, tell him clearly how you feel, and tell him there's a short window for improvement. Ask him to be honest now, so that if he knows it's not going to happen, he'll tell you and you can end the relationship. If he tells you what you want to hear, give it a couple of months. If things improve, great - but keep reminding him a meaningful sex life is a condition of your relationship. If things slip back, tell him, without bitterness, the relationship is over.

From the accounts I've read on MN from women, you've a very good chance of finding a sexually fulfilling relationship.

@bellalula "In many ways I feel it would actually be easier to be in completely sexless relationship than have it so infrequently."

I just saw this. It wouldn't. It's soul-destroying.

Sometimes in a sexless relationship it’s not the lack of sex it’s the rejection!
The rejection is the absolute killer and it then becomes a vicious circle
you stop trying or trying to initiate sex and the whole thing grinds to a halt .
You need to be really up front and honest I would say you are absolutely craving sexually contact and you are pleasuring yourself massively to compensate and it’s not sustainable for a long term relationship, why would it be ?
I never understand people who withhold sex what do they think the other person is doing or thinking?

Absolutely agree, very occasional sex is one thing, being pushed away over and over is another, a point is definitely reached where you just stop bothering as you are 99.9 % certain any approach will be met with more rejection and the 0.1% ends up being missed because of it, so invariably the relationship becomes not a relationship, just two people living together

I’m in a sexless marriage but I’m the one withholding. It’s just a chore. My h is still with me so it can’t be that big a deal for him either. Together 14 years. Infrequent at best for first half of the relationship , never for past few. We’re 37 and 45. Will the marriage last like this forever? Who knows. That’s his decision. I’m not having any sex I don’t want.

I couldn’t live like this and it’s not apparent to me @bellalula why you choose to do so?

it sucks love, it made me sad just reading it. but @bellalula did you actually verbalise any of this? did you tell him how this makes you feel and get his view?

Hi @bellalula. Why on earth would you want this to continue like this? What you didn't mention in your post is communication. Did you talk about this at all with him? I don't take sides, but you certainly communicate what is bothering you in a healthy, functioning relationship... Did you tell him? What is his take?

I hope he leaves you . Weaponized withholding sex is evil

Need to be up front . Explain you have needs that are going un met . If they continue to be un met you are going to find sex elsewhere . Period

Furthermore - It takes effort and if he doesn’t put in the effort then there is an explaination due.
I have exhausted nights but I give my wife attention when she is aching for it because I am her husband and I worship her lovely body.
At the most we go 2 days with out over the past 6 yrs . It takes effort for intimacy.

also -

@user71017 is a prime example who should be absolutely left behind to struggle as she is weaponizing withholding withholding sex. If I were with her … I’d leave your ass high and dry . You don’t decide and never will for any man . Hope your husband leaves . That behavior is evil.
You are disrespectful and nothing you say will ever change my opinion.

You are disrespectful and nothing you say will ever change my opinion.

Well then it's not an opinion, it's an article of faith.

You didn't even bother to find out why she no longer wants to have sex with him.

100% this ^^ the rejection is the killer, after enough rejection you stop trying to initiate and that’s the end of the relationship.

Move on and try to find someone who actually wants you

no one should be having sex they don’t want, if your husband is okay with that then fantastic, if not - it’s his choice to leave you and find someone else to have sex with - like it or not

I honestly don’t care. It’s pathetic that people think sex is fundamental. It’s not a need; you won’t die without it fgs. It’s literally only a requirement for conception. Otherwise your right hand can scratch that itch and a cuddle ticks off intimacy. It’s a chore. Something else to do after the housework. If he wants to leave so be it but after years without it’s not even spoken of. Besides the point; ever heard of opinions? That’s what mine is. You do you.

Or he might, like her, choose to stay for the other aspects of the relationship, and just get sex elsewhere.

oh you must be a fun wife to be married to. hahaha.

Yeah - that’s a bit more tricky, people tend to get bonded to sexual partners after a while

For some people of both genders it’s the thing that moves you from housemates to partners - for those people sex is fundamental as it’s the glue that keeps the relationship together

Just to add to this conversation. It gets a bit easier when you know its no longer going to happen. It is the hope or expectation that inevitably gets let down that hurts the most. Once you resign to the fact it is not happening then it becomes...well I wont say easy as you have highs and lows ... but it becomes easier to handle emotionally.

When someone decides not to have sex with their partner, that is indeed their decision. Nobody should ever be forced to have sex if they don't want. But it is the attitude towards it that sticks out, really. You show very little care towards your own relationship, you don't seem to care whether your partner stays with you or decided to leave - in that case, why bother staying with him, if the whole thing is that unimportant? The other thing is calling it pathetic who consider sex to be an integral part of a relationship. Completely unnecessary.

Those of us, who consider sex a special experience with our partners (you know, people we actually love and do care about our relationship with), who find joy and fulfilment in pleasing each other in every way, maybe, just maybe, we are not as pathetic, just because we don't consider it a chore like taking out the trash.

haha exactly this. yeah we are pathetic for enjoying life, each other with our partners and actually care about each other. not @user71017 who looks at her own man and only sees him as someone you begrudgingly breed with to have offspring and nothing else - the same emotional intelligence a shrew would have.

must be tough, love sorry you never experienced good sex before. clearly.

If it’s a chore, it sounds very much like you married someone who isn’t good in bed. Of course women don’t want bad sex!