The emotional roller coaster of an almost sexless relationship?

[bellalula]

How do people cope with the emotions of having very infrequent sex with a partner? It's driving me nuts.

We've been together 8 years, but we don't live together (blended families definitely wouldn't work for us), so I only see dp 'properly' once a fortnight, on our child free weekends. Personally, after two weeks apart, I'm gagging for sex, and it used to happen as a priority almost every fortnight, initially more than once during those weekends. Five years in and, now it's dropped to once every 8 weeks at best, sometimes much longer (I think we've managed it half a dozen times in the last two years).

So every fortnight I get my hopes up, anticipating a good shag, and then nothing happens - he'll just roll over and fall asleep if he's not in the mood. The rejection really gets me down. And then we go another two weeks without another opportunity, and by then I'm even more sexually frustrated (yes, I relieve myself in between). I get my hopes up, feel dejected, and the cycle just repeats. And then on the odd occasion we do actually have sex, because it's purely when he feels up for it, I end up feeling a bit used and resentful afterwards. I'm pretty sure he knows that I'm always going to be up for it since it's so infrequent anyway, and I've never turned him down - that'd just be cutting my nose off to spite my face, wouldn't it?

So it's like an emotional roller coaster of desire, anticipation, rejection, and disappointment. Last time we had sex was over Christmas, so its coming up to 4 months now. And this time, I'm feeling like I've given up on the idea of it. Despite feeling majorly horny, I'm now feeling resentful and like admitting defeat. Why get my hopes up when I'm almost certainly going to get rejected? It's probably coming round to the part of the cycle when he does decide he wants some sex, and the thought of that is now making me feel slightly anxious. I've been trying to suppress the horniness for so long, do I dare to let my sex drive take over?

In many ways I feel it would actually be easier to be in completely sexless relationship than have it so infrequently. At least I'd know exactly what to expect, and to never get my hopes up. How do others in this situation cope with the hormones/emotions of it all?

yes but it’s obvious anyone that posts this kind of title isn’t exactly happy about the situation. You don’t read the room very well.

@user71017 the more you comment the more robotic you sound. so tell me girl to girl - or rather mechanic girl to pathetic girl who enjoys sex - tell me. all those wretched 3 times you forced yourself to have sex with your husband were you looking at the ceiling doing your taxes, maybe play sudoku, occasionally asking if he is done yet. or just lied there like a twig? You are so beyond the pathetic sexual urges most of us have but even you have to understand all the health benefits it has you know hormones, stress relief that type of stuff. in a healthy satisfying good sexual relationship, not with a shit lover who just lies there like a rubber doll.

I'm a man whose marriage has been sexless for decades.
Am I happy about that? No, but continual daily access to the offspring is very valuable and that made it worth staying.
It is corrosive, intimacy withers once sex is off the menu, everything that may have led to sex in the past gradually fades away as it becomes obvious that you are headed to a dead-end.
To the withholders, I imagine that we become more attractive as time wears on, never pushy or pressuring, uncomplaining but bitter beneath the surface.
Most of us 'enjoy' our status as stable spouses and parents, good eggs occasionally used as comparators to the selfish or serially unfaithful.

While I have sympathy for those who would rather avoid sex for medical or psychological reasons, these days I find I am less ready to automatically condemn those who abandon spouses during health/financial crises.

Im begining to think that user71017 might be my wife judging by her comments 👀😂

I could've wrote this post during my last relationship. It almost sent me mad thinking I was a crazed sex fiend. Even when we did have sex it was over in seconds and that was that for however long he decided next.
I genuinely used to daydream about having a proper good session because we was together 5 years and we never had sex more than once at a time. I constantly felt like a fizzy bottle of pop ready to explode . We had weekends away and he wouldn't touch me. I used to walk around with just my underwear on and he would completely ignore me and my confidence took a battering. I have never felt as undesirable.

I'm single now and haven't had sex for 3 years but that's ok now coz I know I'm not getting any. I'm not waiting for someone else. I don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't happen and although of course I would love a proper healthy sex life, I have no expectations anymore.

I think sometimes society makes us expect every man to just want to jump on us women and when it doesn't happen it does kill your self esteem. I regularly used to think to myself, I could walk into a pub right now and offer it to a man on a plate and a lot of men would jump at the opportunity yet I'm sitting here in front of the man I love in just my knickers and he's flicking through the tv channels asking me what I want for tea...

There's a lot to be said for the single life!!!

Completely agree with you @Lastofthesummerwines about consistency and expectations making all the difference. My sex life came to life with DW at the start of the year then disappeared again in March, that variability creates those peaks and troughs of emotion you talk about and you often think it's just easier to put it to one side than to start the whole rollercoaster (great title @bellalula ) off again!

My DH is the one with no drive. We’ve been together a long time & this started a few years ago. It used to be 1-2 times every 3 weeks, now he’s trying once a week but not really managing. I’m so fed up & bored, we’ve had the talk so many times. He’s seen the GP & had his testosterone checked which was within range, so he refused to go back even though it was in the lower range (12). He’s lost weight & hardly drinks but that’s not helped. He keeps saying he’s old (he’s 48) & every weekend he makes himself so busy or has one ailment or another like a bad back or bad stomach. I know I need to get out, but we moved to our dream house 18 months ago.

He says he's old at 48? I feel young at almost 59!

It’s a shame the op started the thread and didn’t come back, though an interesting debate has started. I would be gutted if my partner showed no interest in me. He’s currently on blood pressure tablets and statins however luckily he has very strong erections and within 5 mins of finishing is ready to go again. Which I ❤️. I always get fear reading these threads that it will happen to me however we are 6 years in, not honeymoon period but it’s still regular, adventurous sometimes and other times loving and familiar. I enjoy it most for feeling close to each other.

Have you spoken to him directly about this?

Has it always been this way - even at the start of the relationship?

It is interesting that we all look at this issue through the blur of our own experiences and desires.

The truth is that every relationship is different and it is often hard to understand the dynamics of somebody else's set up.

In the end, each of us is responsible for our own happiness; if we're not happy then it is only ourselves who can bring about the necessary change. If we don't do it then that is our own responsibility.

Life changes. In a long term relationship we accept the possibility that things will change. It is more galling if we feel that we've been deceived and promised something that hasn't been delivered. As always, honest communication is vital