The emotional roller coaster of an almost sexless relationship?

[bellalula]

How do people cope with the emotions of having very infrequent sex with a partner? It's driving me nuts.

We've been together 8 years, but we don't live together (blended families definitely wouldn't work for us), so I only see dp 'properly' once a fortnight, on our child free weekends. Personally, after two weeks apart, I'm gagging for sex, and it used to happen as a priority almost every fortnight, initially more than once during those weekends. Five years in and, now it's dropped to once every 8 weeks at best, sometimes much longer (I think we've managed it half a dozen times in the last two years).

So every fortnight I get my hopes up, anticipating a good shag, and then nothing happens - he'll just roll over and fall asleep if he's not in the mood. The rejection really gets me down. And then we go another two weeks without another opportunity, and by then I'm even more sexually frustrated (yes, I relieve myself in between). I get my hopes up, feel dejected, and the cycle just repeats. And then on the odd occasion we do actually have sex, because it's purely when he feels up for it, I end up feeling a bit used and resentful afterwards. I'm pretty sure he knows that I'm always going to be up for it since it's so infrequent anyway, and I've never turned him down - that'd just be cutting my nose off to spite my face, wouldn't it?

So it's like an emotional roller coaster of desire, anticipation, rejection, and disappointment. Last time we had sex was over Christmas, so its coming up to 4 months now. And this time, I'm feeling like I've given up on the idea of it. Despite feeling majorly horny, I'm now feeling resentful and like admitting defeat. Why get my hopes up when I'm almost certainly going to get rejected? It's probably coming round to the part of the cycle when he does decide he wants some sex, and the thought of that is now making me feel slightly anxious. I've been trying to suppress the horniness for so long, do I dare to let my sex drive take over?

In many ways I feel it would actually be easier to be in completely sexless relationship than have it so infrequently. At least I'd know exactly what to expect, and to never get my hopes up. How do others in this situation cope with the hormones/emotions of it all?

Nobody does. Not one person. (men or women)

I feel for you OP.

I was married and this happened to me. Promises of, “we will do it on Saturday”. When Saturday came, it had to wait till the Saturday after. It went on like that for months before we finally did the deed.

Horrible Being in the middle of it.

This. Eventually I took the bull by the horns and stopped mentioning it. Two whole years later we did the deed again. I took it off the agenda as at least I knew where I stood.

Opinions- point taken .
Its sad this approach to which you speak of.
Sex is fundamental in a high functioning relationship.
Unless we are talking being senior citizens and our bodies due to illness , age , etc just can’t have it any longer …. But if not , leaving a spouse to sort themselves out is cruel . Just is . Shows no love or respect for their needs

The attitude doesn't help either - I am witholding sex, I can't be bothered, and if he decided to leave, I don't care either, whateer. It's the zero regard for your partner that is truly appaling... Why stay in a relationship like that, is beyond me.

Thanks.

Theres more to relationships than sex.

And sex isn’t a requirement - it’s not like it be compared to eating and breathing! We can all live without it. No one actually NEEDS it.

missing the point love. it is your uppity attitude that is the problem. you dont care how your husband deals with you withholding it and whether he leaves or not you don't care. that is not normal or healthy. @user71017 you calling it pathetic when it is important for people while you look at it like some clinical unpleasant part of life for the sake of procreating is not the norm sorry to tell you. and remember your own words in the future when your DH realises it about you. that he actually doesnt need to be married to you to live. you both will probably be better off.

There is more to relationships than sex - Absolutely agreed. But an adult, intelligent person realises that you can't fill the gaps with one aspect of a relationship with something completely different. Example: If you like, enjoy and miss sex, a good conversation during dinner will not fill that gap. A "great personality" will not make up for being unable to form intimacy when that is what someone would like. A working, healthy relationship only works when the components work together. What you describe only works if both parties have zero interest in sex, and are happily not being intimate that way. If either is missing it, it is a dysfunctional relationship. If your husband would like sex and is missing it, he shouldn't have married you, because you are not compatible. If in the beginning you were into it, it is not unsurprising that he thought sex would be on the table. The worst part is that you make an effort make it sound like you enjoy witholding it from him, and he can do one for all you care. That is so many levels of wrong. Obviously, it is on him if he stays, but I don't get why anyone would stay in a setup like that.

I’ve never been interested. We’ve done it mechanically to get pregnant which fortunately worked first time every time. But no, he’s never known a high or even middle libido from me.

We’ve done it mechanically calmly to get pregnant which fortunately worked first time every time.

It’s a chore. Something else to do after the housework.

You must have either a lot of children or a very messy house.

We have 3 children. Totally normal I’d say!

We’ve done it mechanically calmly to get pregnant which fortunately worked first time every time.
Jesus Mary and the wee donkey. unless your husband is asexual who despises the thought of sex I feel sorry for him @user71017

@user71017 If he is happy like that, god bless him. I know most people wouldn't be. It's the attitude towards it that is super weird. Like you are above everyone else for not needing the intimacy most of us do. If anything, you are the one missing out.

im not superior at all and I never claim to be. It’s my feelings and my life choice. I’m happy with it. To me it isn’t necessary and when you strip it to the bare mechanics it’s pretty gross. I don’t understand why others feel so reliant on sex to claim intimacy. That’s my point. It’s not the only way. But as in every life choice - each to their own.

It is clear that you understand it @user71017 . But again, it's the attitude, the way you talk about it:

My h is still with me so it can’t be that big a deal for him either.

Will the marriage last like this forever? Who knows. That’s his decision.

I honestly don’t care. It’s pathetic that people think sex is fundamental. It’s not a need; you won’t die without it fgs. It’s literally only a requirement for conception. Otherwise your right hand can scratch that itch and a cuddle ticks off intimacy. It’s a chore. Something else to do after the housework. If he wants to leave so be it but after years without it’s not even spoken of.

Do you not see it? Truly?

For some people yes, for others no
you clearly have less interest is sex and that’s great for you
others ( men and women) use sex as a indicator of how they feel about their relationship, look at all the various sexless marriage / relationships threads started by women and see how they feel about it

People who struggle with the concept of non-essential "needs" are usually used to not having had their own non-essential "needs" met throughout their lives.

And I have read some crazy takes on relationships and sex on here throughout the years but a cuddle ticks off intimacy is a new low!

I am also a veteran of a long-term sexless relationship and I completely agree that it's the hope that kills you.

I think many couples struggle with the transition from dating (where you both need to carve out time together and you arrange it in advance, it's more of a special occasion which you can anticipate it and look forward to sex), to a live-in relationship (where you're both much more available to each other and therefore the sense of something special can wane).

But for you in a relationship in which you have a rare, specified time in which you're going to see each other, it must be hugely difficult.

As a human, if you know you will be having sex with somebody, there are things that you do to prepare. Grooming, shaving, making yourself look nice, getting yourself in the mood, generally putting in an effort. For me, rejection hurts and stings even more painfully after that.

If you and your low-libido partner truly love each other then surely they will at least treat you, and the situation, with kindness.

A kind low-libido partner would at least be clear about when sex is and isn't on the table to prevent you getting your hopes up in this way.

Speaking of eating, nobody actually NEEDS to eat tasty food. We can all live without it. There’s more to food than deliciousness.

Certainly there’s more to any relationship than just sex, but is it actually a relationship without it

All of this sounds very familiar to me. Much higher sex drive here than other half. Been together a. very. long. time. Figured things might change. They haven't. Now starting to worry that if I don't change something I'll be too old!

Obviously that’s different. Eating is for survival. Sex isn’t!!

You can survive on plain water and a very basic diet without seasonings and extras. That’s PP’s point.

And that is your takeaway from the comparison - a smart one, at that by @moderate . You completely and utterly miss the details and nuances of everything the commenters are telling you. You are unable to see the comparison between eating food and eating tasty food, and not once did you acknowledge or had anything to say about how little care you show about how your husband might feel, what it could mean to your relationship. I am beginning to think you have some sort of a condition that stops you from seeing certain things.

Or... you get it, but you choose to be arrogant. Which is arguably worse.

Tell me something @user71017 . Why come to the Sex board of all places if you are so alien to it? Genuinely curious. Because that does not add up with your clinical, mechanic way of looking at the topic.

the title of this thread is about sexless relationships.