How to find a man (discreetly!)

[CarbonArtist]

I find myself in a chronically sexless marriage that I cannot leave due to financial constraints and DC’s SEN.

In crude terms, I want to find a man to have sex with. Ideally someone I could see medium to long term, who is attractive, pleasant to spend time with, discreet and not seeking anything romantically serious. Crucially, he would need to be single, and of course a talented lover.

Where can I find such a man? I can’t advertise what I am seeking, for obvious reasons. I’m not keen on going on hookup apps, Fab Swingers, etc as I’d like to avoid anyone extremely promiscuous (it’s just a big turn off for me). As mentioned previously, I want to avoid entanglements with attached men.

I’m 43 and live in London.

Out of curiosity, Is there any reason you want a single man, as opposed to another married man who may be in a similar situation?

As a single man, I would have been wary of such a situation with a married woman, no matter how sexless the relationship. If you are both married, I would imagine it might help with the discretion and keeping it sex only, altho in any situation there is a chance of catching feelings.

If you are ruling out apps, then you are probably looking for a needle in a haystack. You probably would just need to put yourself out there with a single man you happen to meet (through usual methods - gym, bar, some kind of hobby group and so on, assuming you are able) who you might think would meet your requirements, and take a chance.

Best of luck!

As above, if you don't want to use apps, the chances are rare.

You need someone totally away from your usual day to day activities for total discretion. Things like gyms, groups, work, are a no go as any sort of liasons can be sussed out and not really conducive to what you're looking if you only want a sexual meet up.
Single guys are less hassle, they don't have wifey and kids at home to cloud the issue.
Apps are not ideal either as they have to be downloaded to a phone. And phones can be looked at.
It's about opportunity. Away from your locality so not in London. In the suburbs, a short train ride away. It will also need hotels. Cost implications need to be considered. So the guys would need to be solvent. Everything in cash. No record, no audit trail. Much more than just a simple shag. Lots of things to consider.

There are more apps than Fab.

I found xFWBs on a now defunct website. They were 45-50. The men I met were a mix of married and single. The ones I stuck with met my requirements. One in particular wanted to be more promiscuous, but I was the only woman who'd shown him any interest on the website!

Be clear with your requirements and be prepared for a lot of fun.

Thanks everyone who has replied, I appreciate your advice.

I’m going to have to use apps, aren’t I? One of the problems I have is that I am really shy. I occasionally get approaches from attractive men when I am out and about, but I just mumble awkwardly and then kick myself afterwards for not making the most of the opportunity. In any case, these men would probably be a lot less interested if they realised my age and marital status!

In answer to your question, @MySXforumnn I want a single man because I don’t want to screw another woman over.

So what apps should I be using then?

Out of curiosity @CarbonArtist - Are you happy to screw your husband over? Do you not like each other? I am actually surprised people are so encouraging in terms of tips on cheating..

@exhaustDAD he is not interested in me in that way, so it’s not as though I would be depriving him of something that mattered to him.

The double standards on mumsnet have no limits. Even as a woman I see this. Its terrible! No way I could do what people are suggesting to someone I made my vows with.
OP sort this out with your husband first or get a divorce before you go be a fool. Cheating is not the answer. Are you prepared to potentially be exposed and be more financially constrained? How would that affect your child? There is more at stake than not getting the D.

I'm out of touch with the apps that are around these days.

I found i was inundated with messages when I registered. I didn't need to approach anyone.

I trawled through all the messages, and blocked the users who had sent me wholly inappropriate messages.

I then went through the profiles of the people whose messages were ok, and blocked those with dick pics or who didn't sound sane or normal.

I then replied to the people who were left, and took it from there. My advice would be to not chat to anyone for more than a fortnight. If you're attracted after a decent chat, arrange to meet for a coffee date. Don't let it drag out.

Which app was this @OfcourseitsaNC ?

I thought the website had closed @CarbonArtist , but still seems to be going.

Plentymorefish.com

If your husband is not attracted to you, and there is no way to sort this out via communication and mutual understanding, that is a non-functional marriage, one that should end. Unless he is ok with you looking for sex with other men... If he denies intimacy with you, and yet is not happy for you to look elsewhere, that is a dead end, pointless. Staying together just for financial reasons but looking to fulfil your desires elsewhere is just such a sad existence. For money and financial ties you are willing to compromise your dignity... Your husband - the father would still be financially responsible for supporting your child. It would be a lot cleaner and more honest, dignified if you just ended your relationship and then go and have sex with whoever you want.

@exhaustDAD, I’m afraid you have misunderstood my situation. In any case, I haven’t posted her for marital advice.

That is fair, @CarbonArtist . You posted for advice on how to cheat. I think pointing out that cheating is immoral and wrong in a thread about cheating is allowed. If you posted about best practices on how to break into cars, I am sure people would point it out that it's wrong, too.
Just because it's uncomfortable to acknowledge that it is wrong, it is still true.

Yes, it is wrong in principle. But in my case it will be a victimless crime as I will not be shagging another woman’s man, and as I have said - my husband isn’t greatly bothered.

I suppose there are pros and cons to both - finding someone online and in person. For one, you can be prescriptive about what you’re looking for on an app and ‘shop around’ but will have to deal with the admin, the BS and time wasting.
In person down the pub, or wherever, may seem less hassle but as you have already mentioned there may be other barriers preventing that being the easy option (I’m sure your age won’t be one of them BTW).
Morality aside, I think settle on what would work best for you and your lifestyle.

You're asking an awful lot, without offering anything in return. You want a man who is single, willing to commit to being a long term sidepiece with exclusivity, and not get any emotional attachment? Unsurprisingly, there's very few single blokes who are going to be prepared to do all that. And it's almost a given that they'll catch feelings in those circumstances. And a single fuck buddy who catches feelings is an absolute liability since they've nothing to lose by outing you.

You don't want a married bloke because you don't want to screw over another woman, but if he's also in a sexless marriage like yours, then she'll be getting screwed over no more than your own husband is? There are lots of men in sexless marriages, so that should be easier than finding a single unicorn. And a married man is far less likely to catch feelings, and far more likely to afford you long term discretion.

Either way, seeing as you don't have the confidence to seduce a complete stranger in person, apps and swingers sites are going to be your only option. Maybe try feeld?

Unicorns exist OP. Met mine IRL. I would relax for a while and not push this. But keep your eyes open.

I find ukfreedating fulfills my occasional physical/emotional needs.
Requires a bit of leg work to wade through the dross but there’s some good people there x

Surely you're not suggesting that equality and honesty are the best way forward? That seems to fly in the face of the zeitgeist.

Its just disappointing to see. There is a thread posted in Relationships where the husband cheated with a sex worker and the advice is polar opposite. Here, everyone is supporting cheating. Just sad really.

I agree @LizzieSaid . Such an incredibly skewed and pitiful attitude. Whatever the case may be, it's crazy to see the stark difference between "He's a an absolute scumbag, leave the a cheating prick and take all his money" and "good luck with your cheating, OP"

depends on the circumstances doesn't it?

No. Cheating is cheating. I don't understand why people are so defensive of double standards.

Exactly this.