How to find a man (discreetly!)

[CarbonArtist]

I find myself in a chronically sexless marriage that I cannot leave due to financial constraints and DC’s SEN.

In crude terms, I want to find a man to have sex with. Ideally someone I could see medium to long term, who is attractive, pleasant to spend time with, discreet and not seeking anything romantically serious. Crucially, he would need to be single, and of course a talented lover.

Where can I find such a man? I can’t advertise what I am seeking, for obvious reasons. I’m not keen on going on hookup apps, Fab Swingers, etc as I’d like to avoid anyone extremely promiscuous (it’s just a big turn off for me). As mentioned previously, I want to avoid entanglements with attached men.

I’m 43 and live in London.

It's not always so black and white.

@Hito , it may not be black and white at all times, but it sure as hell is a choice. Always. Not one person in the history of mankind ever cheated while it was not a choice. Nobody is being held at gunpoint to cheat on their spouse. People should really choose their backbones sometimes instead of having the willpower of a toddler who can only think of themselves.. If it's not consensual, as in it's behind the spouse's back, it's a spineless act. If a marriage doesn't work, and you don't get what you want from it, exit it, rather than becoming an active liar sneaking around.. And that is simple, black and white.

@exhaustDAD

use your imagination. There's NO circumstance in which a married woman should seek discreet sex outside of a marriage. NOT ONE!!!
I know of two and have obliged in both cases

Say that in the other thread where the man cheated. Tell everyone there its okay to cheat.

But then why have you ruled out shagging the married man of a married woman who isn’t greatly bothered?

In certain circumstances a person seeking sex outside of the marriage IMO is okay.

Both of them decided to cheat. It was their free will, and chose it. The reasons can be as different as the colours of the rainbow. At the end of the day it would be up to them to not be sneaking around. Sad.

Like I said, say that in the other thread. I bet you will get roasted for defending the man cheating. Here you are in welcome arms as its a woman cheating, so you feel safe to say that.

If the spouse is ok with it, sure. Otherwise, it's immoral. However the cheater is being treated at home, denied sex or whatever, that will not make her wrong right. Whoever thinks that is as logical as a child.

Oh, I'll bring pop corn for that.

@Hito Please show your working:
In what precise circumstances should a married person (of any gemder) have sex with anyone other than her spouse wothout their knowledge?
NB This is not a gendered question and mitigation is, by definition, different to justification.

I occasionally get approaches from attractive men when I am out and about, but I just mumble awkwardly and then kick myself afterwards for not making the most of the opportunity.

Just give them your phone number. Wordlessly.

In any case, these men would probably be a lot less interested if they realised my age and marital status!

So you recognise what @NorthernJim pointed out: you’re asking for a lot and not giving much in return.

The victim is your child. If your husband finds out and dumps you, and you don't have the finances to support yourself, then your child suffers. You are putting your vagina before the wellbeing of your child.

Her husband would also be the victim of deceit, irrespective of whether he wants sex or not.

I do think this question cuts to the heart of the matter. Please do not treat it as rhetorical @CarbonArtist!

Sometimes people tell themselves stories about what their partner would or would not mind. Why not simply formalise the situation and tell your husband about your intentions? That way you don’t risk this all blowing up later and causing harm to your child.

If @CarbonArtist 's husband came on here saying he'd discovered his wife was cheating and he was devastated by it, I'd be saying get counselling, or leave or get divorced, or something of that ilk. OP knows that's the risk she's taking when she decided to cheat.

The OP has made a decision to do what she's going to do. She's asked advice on where to find a man, not for opinions on her cheating. Do you really think a random stranger on the internet is going to make her reconsider?!

I imagine OP has been through all sorts of emotions and decisions and grief to get to this point of feeling like this is her only option. I'm certainly not going to judge.

If she asked for our opinions, that's different. She hasn't.

No one should be helping someone willing to hurt a child

That's extremely emotive language @LizzieSaid

You're so sure are you, that the child wouldn't be better off if the OP had their discreet affair, and became a better mum for it?

Or if the child would be more hurt by their parents splitting up? Who knows what a divorce would look like for this family? Where it would end up financially and emotionally for them?

You have far too simplistic a view and absolutely no knowledge of what is the best thing for the child in this situation.

You want it all on your terms. Unfortunately it’s not as easy as that.

This all day long.

The type of man who would want to shag another mans wife its probably not the type of man you’d want to shag.
A 40 something, single good looking male who is good in bed is not likely to be exclusive in the scenario you describe

actively encouraging others to cheat - beautiful, i hope you are proud of yourselves. oh and special requests too, no married men, that would be wrong isnt it. jesus mary and wee donkey, have some self respect and leave instead of becoming a cheat. if your husband is such a letdown of a man and he wouldnt care just tell
him you are out to get railed by others. at least that would be honest. or put your big girl pants on and accept the changes of your circumstances but dont be immoral. and then others are the bad guys for pointing out that this is wrong, jesus wept.
it is a public forum, freedom if speech etc. hope you sleep well after becoming a cheat.

oh please out of the numerous acceptable circumstances give us 2-3 so we can learn. curious

Blind with dementia and full time carer

what a load of rubbish. an example 99.9% of people can't identify with (and it would be only applicable to a certain age group too lol). that one extreme example is the best you have? something that is hardly even a relationship rather than a carer situation. nonsense