How to find a man (discreetly!)

[CarbonArtist]

I find myself in a chronically sexless marriage that I cannot leave due to financial constraints and DC’s SEN.

In crude terms, I want to find a man to have sex with. Ideally someone I could see medium to long term, who is attractive, pleasant to spend time with, discreet and not seeking anything romantically serious. Crucially, he would need to be single, and of course a talented lover.

Where can I find such a man? I can’t advertise what I am seeking, for obvious reasons. I’m not keen on going on hookup apps, Fab Swingers, etc as I’d like to avoid anyone extremely promiscuous (it’s just a big turn off for me). As mentioned previously, I want to avoid entanglements with attached men.

I’m 43 and live in London.

Was that both of the unfortunate women you so nobly helped out? Wow. Can you buy me a lottery ticket please, cos the odds of meeting two women who want you in their pants in that situation is about 100x winning the jackpot (unless you're hanging round the Geriatric Ward 🤔). And rest assured, you're place in whatever heaven you subscribe to is assured.

Are you being inundated with private messages? like I was on certain topics. Are you worried your husband may see your emails?

True story.

I had a lady message me out of the blue on here who wanted a similar thing. Bizarrely she lived about six miles away from me. She had no idea of that when she messaged me. Could have been the other side of the world. I met her for a coffee at a local Starbucks. Long story short, emotionally she wouldn’t have been able to maintain this type of arrangement. She hadn’t thought it through. I actually tried to talk her into sorting her marriage out, or leaving it. No idea what happened to her next.

Sorry you're getting such a hard time here OP and very little compassion. It's absolutely soul destroying to be in a sexless marriage - I don't know about you, but I felt ashamed as if it was my fault that my XH didn't want to have sex with me, and too embarrassed to talk to friends about it. Cried myself to sleep so many nights. I wondered about whether he would agree to an open marriage, but by that point I found it very hard to talk to him about it because it was so upsetting. Which I know is stupid, we should be able to talk to our spouse, but clearly things were not great at that point! I went onto a couple of just normal dating apps, didn't know there was anything else out there at that point! I was honest and straightforward, and talked to quite a lot of men, but eventually realised I didn't want a bit of a relationship here, and a bit there, I wanted the whole thing again. So I told my XH that I wanted a divorce (not really a surprise, he'd known we were heading that way for a couple of years).

You're in a shitty situation. I would suggest talking to your DH if you can, to at least make it clear to him that you can't continue as you are. And then maybe plan your next move from his reaction.

I would suggest Feeld and/or WeAreX, or just a 'conventional' dating app and be very open about what you're looking for.

Clearly you're a feminist. Don't be daft. The OP stated she can't leave because of financial constraits and wants to cheat discreetly, meaning she doesn't want her husband to find out. There is a level of deceitfulness here thar you and many others on here are wrongfully encouraging. Its horrible and sad. Sad that we are now in a world where cheating is applauded if its done by a woman. I don't know that the child will be harmed, but cheating is always a more risky and sure way of doing harm. Surely, of all the options out there, you can see this is not the best one. If the OP was a man you would be saying "stop thinking with your dick and do more to support your wife. She might be willing to show you affection". Its all double standards.

Why are you sorry? Why are you supporting cruelty to children? So many horrible people in the mumsnet community. Time to leave this cess pool I think.

I'm sorry that she's in a horrible situation, probably feels awful already, and has been met with judgment, vitriol, and hyperbole, rather than understanding.

There's absolutely no evidence of any cruelty to children!

If it were a man, I would respond in the same way.

As a supporter of "cheating being ok in certain circumstances" @Hito , was this your best and strongest example? I mean, you did provide entertainment to some of us reading this, but other than that... it truly missed.

But you might meet a man whose wife is not bothered about sex so he will not be depriving her of anything either.
Anyway. Ashleymadison. It's free for women.
From how you describe yourself and the situation, you stand no chance with a single man. I don't know many single men who are good in bed and decent, who would spend tine coaxing a married woman out of her shyness.

You need to be looking for a man in his 40s, who married / got together with his partner around 20 years ago.

I feel sorry for the Op

she has taken the courage to share her frustration, looking for positivity, comfort and advice,
‘I’m sure it’s something that she has thought about and torn herself apart considering.
whether she does it once and regrets it, finds a regular feb type situation, it’s her choice, she has a need she wants to fulfill
i wish her luck, and admire her for being brave

I think we all objectively feel sorry for OP being in a sexless marriage. It must be god-awful. When someone is in a dysfunctional marriage/relationship, something needs to be done, absolutely.
But just because it is a sad situation, encouraging cheating and wishing luck with it is just purely wrong. I feel sorry for the homeless person being cold on the street, but I am not encouraging them to just rob a bank to get some money, and wishing them good luck with it.

yeah, asking for neat tricks to cheat on a nameless internet forum is such a brave act. she has a need to fulfil? you mean ike the men who are absolutely ripped a new one in other threads for the same thing?? thay had needs but can do one because they are not women am i right? no it is wrong and a cowards way to go about it.

I’d have thought that if your husband truly isn’t bothered, then it makes sense to have an open conversation with him first. If he genuinely wouldn’t care, there shouldn’t be a reason to avoid discussing it.
If the marriage is sexless, he isn’t interested in that side of things, wouldn’t mind you seeking it elsewhere, and you both feel staying married is the best option for financial or practical reasons, then it’s unclear why it would need to be framed as cheating. You could come to an agreement and still keep things private and respectful, without making it obvious to others.
Otherwise, I think you may be underestimating the potential hurt involved. Cheating can cause significant emotional and psychological harm, and it’s not really up to one person to decide whether it would affect their partner. If you feel the need to hide it, that usually suggests you already know it would hurt them, you just don’t want to confront that reality.

You are going to get judged. I don’t judge you. I’ve found a similar situation and it’s helped enormously

Unfortunately, you’re in a difficult situation.

You’ve said you want to avoid anyone promiscuous, which more or less rules out most hookup sites and apps. That leaves meeting someone organically in your day-to-day life (gym, work, bars, etc.), but that can come with its own risks(especially if things don’t work out and it affects your life or theirs).

The best advice I can offer is to still consider trying certain hookup platforms (Fab Swingers, for example, is a well-known option), but be very clear and upfront about exactly what you’re looking for.

Be prepared for it to take some time, and try focusing on newer members who may be more aligned with what you want.

This! Have the courage of your convictions, @CarbonArtist.

My advice OP is to do what feels right for You and explore every avenue.
I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for