In a sexless marriage and fantasising about extramarital sex

Joe7t8 · 13/06/2025 09:47

In your situation of not having had sex for 3 years, I would absolutely not feel guilt about thinking about having a bit on the side. My thinking is that if he doesn’t see sex as an important part of your marriage (and if he did he’d sort his drive out), then he shouldn’t be bothered that you discretely get it elsewhere.

I absolutely get where you’re coming from about a reciprocal flirt from randoms as well. Not feeling desired is ego crushing, so it’s always lovely to notice that you’re being checked out, even if you’ve no intention of acting on it.

namechangedyorkshire · 13/06/2025 10:01

There is a lot missing from your question as to whether there is a known reason why your marriage is sexless…assume he doesn’t want it? Is there a medical reason or do you just not want sex with him?

I was in this situation a long time ago and started cheating. It certainly relieved the frustration and provided a need. I was lucky my professional life enabled me to do this as well so not as risky. The reality is though longer term it put strain on the relationship as I resented why he didn’t want sex with me and felt I was taken for granted, and basically not in a proper relationship. The sex I was getting with my chosen man was the opposite. Fairly adventurous and I found he did things and encouraged me that I had never tried before and I began to fall for him and at that point I knew I had to do something and end the relationship and be free to pursue a proper relationship which had amazing sex (hopefully) but everything else a relationship gave me.

But if you are convinced this is what you want, you can easily fulfil it…but will he be aware or are you going to live a secret existence?

Happy to DM if it helps.

Reidwood · 13/06/2025 10:19

@NCdesperation don’t be afraid to have a open chat with DH and find out why he no longer sees sex important wishing your relationship! Is DH hiding a medical issue?

CATomas · 13/06/2025 14:59

Do it. You only live once. He knows as well as you nothing has happened all these years, what does he expect. Have the conversation and if nothing evolves, enjoy yourself.

TheMel · 13/06/2025 18:10

You only owe your partner fidelity not celibacy. If they don't want to meet your sexual needs, there is nothing wrong with seeking it elsewhere.

CATomas · 13/06/2025 18:31

And I think the other party must recognize this is a distinct possibility. Maybe it will inspire him to pay more attention or, maybe, it will turn him on.

ThatAquaSnail · 13/06/2025 19:40

NCdesperation · 13/06/2025 09:29

I’d like to ask for others’ opinions regarding my situation. I'm in a sexless marriage with my husband of 17 years. It's been sexless for almost 3 years and seems very unlikely to change. The sex wasn't that great even when it was still happening. I don't want to leave as I have a very comfortable life otherwise. We get along well enough outside the bedroom but I've been becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of sex. Compounding the issue is that my libido is the highest it has been since I was in my 20s. I'm 46 now. I don't think about sex 24/7 but I think about it daily, usually several times a day. I fantasise about having extramarital sex with men who I find attractive. I sometimes give men the “eye” when I am out in public, and am flattered when they reciprocate. I fantasise about having passionate, lustful sex where we both are in a mad rush to rip each other’s clothes off. I have also found that the warm weather has enhanced my libido even further.

I wanted to ask if anyone here (I would like to hear from both women and men) has actually had extramarital sex and would be willing to share their experience. Did you regret it? It feels quite naughty to say, but the idea of an affair or even a one-off shag with someone else has become increasingly appealing to me. Not looking for any moralising about affairs or extramarital sex being wrong by the way, though I am sure some people will still try to do that anyway.

I 100% know where you are coming from. Its been a lot longer without for me but im horny all the damn time...the idea any form of sex, extra marital, a ONS, anything, is constantly intruding my thoughts.

Doing it myself gives me a bit of relief but then the "hunger" comes back again quite quickly.

Angela59 · 14/06/2025 05:01

First of all, your not alone and it’s not your fault.
in fairness it’s not his fault either, stuff happens in a long term relationship but by the same token it happens, complacency.
My marriage lasted less than three years so I’m hardly a good guide in this. But I was seduced by life, my lover, then was the catalyst not the cause of my marriage break up. Since then (35 yrs!) I have lived life to the full and enjoyed almost every aspect of relationships both platonic and physical and loved every minute.

Female (and some male) Friends and colleagues
confide in me a great deal, not even sure why, about relationships physical and otherwise.
After that colossal build up lol here’s my advice

I personally know of two women around your age ish, that are having extra time relationships, one married one divorced but in a long term relationship/living together. The married ladies husband is aware that she has a lover and chooses to ignore it as best he can and the long term does not know. Both men now have happier more contented and in my opinion far sexier and attractive partners that smile a lot and are great company!

Make of that what you will but my advice
GO FOR IT!

ChineseAlan8910 · 14/06/2025 16:12

My ex had a 4 year affair, kids are now in therapy, I am in therapy, he lost the house and my eldest child won't speak to him anymore. It's been a blast!

TravelMoose · 15/06/2025 21:47

I did towards the end of my first marriage, I met a lady at work who I used to have to call her a few times a day. She was based in a different office and we shared some work calls but I used to have fantasies because she had a very sexy voice.

She was married too, information started to unfold as we spoke more often.

After a year or so I had to go to her office so asked her to lunch. We went and ended up having sex in her car.

We saw each other for around 2yrs. She was smart, incredibly sexy and hilarious.

Never managed to make it work with her but the sex was incredible.

CATomas · 16/06/2025 00:59

Had a coworker 12 years my senior. A Latina originally from New York. Terribly sexy accent and she dressed to kill. Just enough cleavage. Short, but not too short skirts. Great legs. Always wore shoes with highish heels to accent those legs. The age difference proved too much but for a while, I was in heaven. She was the bedroom aggressor.

TravelMoose · 16/06/2025 01:58

CATomas · 16/06/2025 00:59

Had a coworker 12 years my senior. A Latina originally from New York. Terribly sexy accent and she dressed to kill. Just enough cleavage. Short, but not too short skirts. Great legs. Always wore shoes with highish heels to accent those legs. The age difference proved too much but for a while, I was in heaven. She was the bedroom aggressor.

What's a bedroom aggressor? Did she hit you?

CATomas · 16/06/2025 03:15

She was sexually aggressive. I did not try to seduce her, she came on to me immediately. She went into the bathroom and came out in a robe with no blouse or bra and took it all off. Still excites me.

3luckystars · 16/06/2025 07:52

ChineseAlan8910 · 14/06/2025 16:12

My ex had a 4 year affair, kids are now in therapy, I am in therapy, he lost the house and my eldest child won't speak to him anymore. It's been a blast!

I’m so sorry that happened. Is your situation different though do you think?

Was your ex still having sex with you at that time?

Then that was very wrong to do that to you, but very different to what is described above.

3luckystars · 16/06/2025 07:54

Im the same age and I have never felt fire like it either.

NDerbys32 · 16/06/2025 08:45

NCdesperation · 13/06/2025 09:29

I’d like to ask for others’ opinions regarding my situation. I'm in a sexless marriage with my husband of 17 years. It's been sexless for almost 3 years and seems very unlikely to change. The sex wasn't that great even when it was still happening. I don't want to leave as I have a very comfortable life otherwise. We get along well enough outside the bedroom but I've been becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of sex. Compounding the issue is that my libido is the highest it has been since I was in my 20s. I'm 46 now. I don't think about sex 24/7 but I think about it daily, usually several times a day. I fantasise about having extramarital sex with men who I find attractive. I sometimes give men the “eye” when I am out in public, and am flattered when they reciprocate. I fantasise about having passionate, lustful sex where we both are in a mad rush to rip each other’s clothes off. I have also found that the warm weather has enhanced my libido even further.

I wanted to ask if anyone here (I would like to hear from both women and men) has actually had extramarital sex and would be willing to share their experience. Did you regret it? It feels quite naughty to say, but the idea of an affair or even a one-off shag with someone else has become increasingly appealing to me. Not looking for any moralising about affairs or extramarital sex being wrong by the way, though I am sure some people will still try to do that anyway.

60M here and your post resonates with me too. Following this thread,

Dortin · 17/06/2025 19:26

I did. It made me feel alive again.

CATomas · 17/06/2025 22:33

Dortin, I get it. If one partner is simply uninterested or is sadistic and cruel enough to withhold sex, then the innocent party is justified.

3luckystars · 18/06/2025 07:52

I totally agree.

And if you really loved someone you would want them to be happy. Ideally an open conversation would take place and no secrecy or betrayal. Just honesty.

i also feel that a marriage without sex is a friendship. Which is completely fine and brilliant if that’s what both people want at their age, but not if one person is not happy.
That’s just lonely.

SunnySideDeepDown · 18/06/2025 20:30

You haven’t mentioned what you’ve done to try to resume and improve the sex in your marriage.

happygoluckyme2 · 18/06/2025 22:29

NCdesperation · 13/06/2025 09:29

I’d like to ask for others’ opinions regarding my situation. I'm in a sexless marriage with my husband of 17 years. It's been sexless for almost 3 years and seems very unlikely to change. The sex wasn't that great even when it was still happening. I don't want to leave as I have a very comfortable life otherwise. We get along well enough outside the bedroom but I've been becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of sex. Compounding the issue is that my libido is the highest it has been since I was in my 20s. I'm 46 now. I don't think about sex 24/7 but I think about it daily, usually several times a day. I fantasise about having extramarital sex with men who I find attractive. I sometimes give men the “eye” when I am out in public, and am flattered when they reciprocate. I fantasise about having passionate, lustful sex where we both are in a mad rush to rip each other’s clothes off. I have also found that the warm weather has enhanced my libido even further.

I wanted to ask if anyone here (I would like to hear from both women and men) has actually had extramarital sex and would be willing to share their experience. Did you regret it? It feels quite naughty to say, but the idea of an affair or even a one-off shag with someone else has become increasingly appealing to me. Not looking for any moralising about affairs or extramarital sex being wrong by the way, though I am sure some people will still try to do that anyway.

Completely in the same boat here. My wife is not interested and it frustrates me. I've never had extra marital affairs but it does appeal to me sometimes. Where the shoe was on the other foot, I don't think I'd mind too much if I knew there was something I couldn't give her, as long as everything else in the relationship was sound.

Dolpher · 16/09/2025 01:31

I went 3 1/2 years without sex in my marriage and believe me it was driving me crazy. I almost gave up on it until I got the surprise of my life by my sister in laws friend that actually showed interest in me

OfcourseitsaNC · 16/09/2025 06:49

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'd advise an honest chat with your partner and go from there.

Have a read of this thread before you do.

All the best.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

noego · 16/09/2025 13:38

I think it's natural to have a distraction when one of the partners is basically asexual. The AP has to be totally trustworthy and discreet.
I was involved with a married lady for a while who needed a distraction once a month. I am still involved with another married lady who I meet twice a year.

I think it is very much horses for courses.

OpalFruitsMakeYourMouthWater · 23/09/2025 06:07

NCdesperation · 13/06/2025 09:29

I’d like to ask for others’ opinions regarding my situation. I'm in a sexless marriage with my husband of 17 years. It's been sexless for almost 3 years and seems very unlikely to change. The sex wasn't that great even when it was still happening. I don't want to leave as I have a very comfortable life otherwise. We get along well enough outside the bedroom but I've been becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of sex. Compounding the issue is that my libido is the highest it has been since I was in my 20s. I'm 46 now. I don't think about sex 24/7 but I think about it daily, usually several times a day. I fantasise about having extramarital sex with men who I find attractive. I sometimes give men the “eye” when I am out in public, and am flattered when they reciprocate. I fantasise about having passionate, lustful sex where we both are in a mad rush to rip each other’s clothes off. I have also found that the warm weather has enhanced my libido even further.

I wanted to ask if anyone here (I would like to hear from both women and men) has actually had extramarital sex and would be willing to share their experience. Did you regret it? It feels quite naughty to say, but the idea of an affair or even a one-off shag with someone else has become increasingly appealing to me. Not looking for any moralising about affairs or extramarital sex being wrong by the way, though I am sure some people will still try to do that anyway.

What you’re experiencing is the sex surge of perimenopause. It can drive a woman’s sex drive wild - it did with me. I was in a similar position to you (at around the same age - 45) and, like you, lived in a sexless marriage. In my case, we hadn’t had sex in over a decade!! I just didn’t want to - which, eventually, made me realise that I wasn’t attracted to him. Similar again, when we did have sex, it was nothing special. Very boring and, looking back, I now know the passion and chemistry was never there - it never would be.

I started to develop a ridiculously high sex drive at 45. I had never heard of the sex surge of menopause. My periods had stopped, abruptly, about 4 months earlier. I had no idea what was happening to me but I was enjoying it. I also became a more confident person - so much so, I bagged a promotion into senior management at work!

Anyway, I’d flirt a bit (enjoyed the attention) - I started to realise that my husband had never given me attention and was, actually, quite critical of me - always jealous of my job, would criticise my friends, never complimented me.

I ended up chatting online. Totally innocent at first but it was obvious something was happening. I was craving something. I got involved with a man (>200 miles away). We became, what I thought, were good friends. It became very sexual in conversation. I knew he was a passionate man. But, sadly, both of us were married. He also said he was in a sexless marriage and other details were revealed that led to the fact they were living as friends. He never wanted to meet and insisted we didn’t. However, we did. Again and many times more (even though he was the guilty one). I ended my marriage immediately after meeting him (we just kissed the first time). We also enjoyed a few meals out and days out. Such an amazingly, passionate man. He was clearly attracted to me too. However, guilt got to him over and over. And, yes, he decided to stop
talking to me after 8 years as he felt he was holding me back with my life etc. Of course, by this point, I had fallen for him. I will miss him terribly. I also started to resent my husband and realise the mistake I’d made marrying him. The chemistry wasn’t there.

I knew I had to end the marriage early on. I did. I acted on my feelings and have no regrets about that. However, the other man didn’t. I feel strung along tbh. And, trying desperately hard not to tell his wife what he’s been up to all of these years of his marriage.

I have lost my marriage, my house, my children (live with their father, mostly). Although both kids are university age, they are both badly damaged by the marriage split. I have been left lonely and unhappy in life - and now don’t trust any man at all (so have remained single). The other man got away scot free and is carrying on with his life as if nothing has happened.

What I’m trying to say, is, think carefully before you act. Don’t end up screwing up your life for a bit of sex and passion.

The sex surge does die down after a couple of years but, I will admit, I am definitely more sexual than I was before but, sadly, no-one around to help me with that.

Not sure what the next steps are…