Honesty isn't always best

[Sogfree]

I think I've knocked my boyfriends confidence significantly. We were both married 20+ years and both faithful. Since my marriage ended, I've had 5 years of fun with FwBs and ONSs. I'm the first person he's had sex with since his marriage ended 4 years ago.

The last 10 months that we've been together, sex has gone from terrible to just about bearable. I've focused on the many many wonderful things about him and allowed time to slowly improve things in the bedroom.

An alcohol fuelled conversation over the weekend meant squirting was discussed. He insisted it wasn't a thing, so I told him I have done so countless times. He was jokingly still refusing to believe me, so I told him it was with more than one man. Again, he joked that I just needed a wee, so I told him about the sex club I've been to a few times and on one occasion made a girl squirt 4 times.

There was no judgement about the sex club, but a comment full of sadness saying that he will have to up his game, as he can't have been hitting the right spots, as I've never squirted with him. Cue me offering platitudes of enjoying the spots he does hit. And secretly thinking, yes, you really do need to up your game. He listened before when I told him I loved having sex, but it seems him now knowing I've been to a sex club a few times has meant he's really heard it.

Viagra and co can't fight his head's random thoughts that already stop his erection in its tracks. I'm now worried that this silly drunk conversation will result in him taking many steps back and I'm going to go back to having 3 minutes of PIV once a month, as that's all he can manage.

Any ideas on how I can make this better? The only option I can see is to lower my expectations again and wait another 6+ months to allow him to rebuild his confidence. Ending things with him is not an option.

All tips welcome.

Do you think that you are compatible ?

In every way that is possible outside the bedroom.

And I'm too experienced in life for the "life's too short for bad sex" comments. Life's too short to chuck a man as wonderful as him away. He's trying to get better...I can't tell you how excited he was the first time I suggested he watch me play with my vibe. If Viagra worked all the time, I wouldn't feel so dissatisfied.

you could do worse then as a couple visiting a sex therapist as that maybe a way to connect and it’s not you personally telling him to try xyz. If he is dead against that, and isn’t comfortable talking to you about there maybe some other helpful advice suggested.

I think me suggesting a sex therapist will be the nuclear option, as it'll show him that my perspective is that we need help in this area.

He's quite merrily going along and enjoying all the little tips I'm throwing in along the way. And sees his inability to maintain an erection as a normal part of growing old.

In my current relationship, I’m your BF

my partner has been in more relationships and with more people than me ( and that itself is a challenge as there was some mental “am I good enough “ going on )

my best advice would be try to touching and hugging etc , but less pressure on actual the actual act of sex, but make it clear that’s available

inability to maintain an erection is part of aging ( but doesn’t have to be that way)

make sure psa levels are okay and health and diet are okay
also look into the daily meds to help keep “topped up “ rather than the as needed ones

Sounds like you have very different sex drives - always a deal breaker for me no matter how nice the other person is.

Thanks for your honesty @BeEagerTurtle

Checking PSA levels are something I suggested early on when I had the Viagra conversation. He's not acted on getting them checked. He started taking a daily dose of tadalafil a few months back, but it's not had the desired effect sadly.

I've not rubbed my X's in his face. I was very conscious not to do so because of not wanting to produce the challenge in him that you describe.

He really enjoys skin to skin contact, so there's been an awful lot of close cuddling in the previous months. It's his happy place, and I've been happy to join him there. Looks like staying there pressure free is a good place to wait.

Aren’t you a bit… offended… that he won’t see GP about his ED to improve YOUR sex life/pleasure?

@Sogfree
no problem, I had my PSA level checked about a year ago and it was elevated ( not massively), had the internal checks and been diagnosed with BPE and am now on meds

Also the general things that everyone should do helped ( loose weight, get fitter , cut out the booze & crap food etc )

And more importantly maybe prolong his own life

What a sad way to look at it...that I should be offended.

A man is trying to grow old gracefully and is enjoying his newly found sex life. He's fully aware he's not as young as he used to be, and his body isn't responding in the way it used to. That must knock his confidence somewhat, which will cycle round to make the problem even worse.

Then you suggest the person by his side should knock him down further by telling him that his ED is a problem to me and that it offends me that he won't go to the doctor.

I'm just not that selfish to do that to another human. Your post has made me realise that some people are

So true!

He's done all the latter stuff. His body is in the best shape its ever been. He eats a great diet most of the time. He's in the gym/pool at least 5 days a week.

When we had the conversation about Viagra and I said about his PSA level being checked, he said he's up to date with the NHS health checks the GP give.

I'll see how this plays out to think over going back into this conversation.

Whilst I have no problem being selfish when it comes to my sexual pleasure, I don’t think expecting a partner to take care of his health and see a GP about ED is at all selfish.

What I would never do is tell a man with ED who is struggling with performance (or any partner really) all about other men making me squirt! I wouldn’t want to knock his confidence like that and think comparison to better lovers is unnecessary. I’m just not that selfish to do that to another human being 😂

Aren’t you a bit… offended… that he won’t see GP about his ED to improve YOUR sex life/pleasure?

Whilst I have no problem being selfish when it comes to my sexual pleasure, I don’t think expecting a partner to take care of his health and see a GP about ED is at all selfish.

Come on @Gymbunny2025 Be better than backtracking.

Nothing about your original post was about his health. Your use of capitals made that clear.

As @BeEagerTurtle says ED can be a sign of underlying health issues. It can also be a bit rubbish when you’re trying to have sex. Enjoy!

In fairness to @Gymbunny2025 she is one of the few posters who regularly gives sound advice with little to no judgement, and I don’t think her post was Anything but helpful. You are after all on mumssnet asking for advice so clearly it is an issue for you even if you don’t want to tell him,

Not all men get ED as they age, and as others have said ED can be a sign of underlying health issues. Think about it logically, if there isn’t enough blood being pumped to the penis, then there is every chance other places, mainly the heart , might not get enough blood as well at some stage in the future.

I don’t mean to scare you but unfortunately that is the reality.

is he overweight or have any other health issues such as diabetes?

Working together to improve each others sexual enjoyment should be fun, it’s not about humiliating him or making him feel bad. My experience tells me not to divulge previous sexual heroics and neither do I want to know how good my partners ex’s were in the bedroom. As you say, some things are best kept to yourself!

if a great sex life isn’t that important to you then you have no need to try and teach an old dog new tricks so to speak. Go with the flow and enjoy being intimate without the pressure of PIV.

have a look at this thread which I started earlier this year. First hand experience form a man’s POV

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5243311-ed-a-mans-story

Thanks @Smithey885 I already read your very brave post a while back when it became clear ED may be an issue for him.

As he's relaxed with me over the months, the ED has become less apparent, so I'm surmising it's a psychological issue for him.

A great sex life IS important to me. But not so important that I'm going to say goodbye to a man who meets my needs in every other way, and who is slowly slowly getting better in the bedroom. He's having a lot of fun trying out new ways and if our conversation at the weekend has knocked his confidence, then so be it. I sadly can't change that now.

Alternatively, I could be glass half emptying over this and he could be spending loads of time researching how to make me squirt. An erect penis is not needed for that with me. 😁

And because of his comment saying he needed to up his game, it gives me a way in to raise the suggestion we can maybe research together how to make me squirt if things do take a bit of a dive.

Like I said earlier, I think I'm going to need to feel my way through this one over the next few weeks and assess if our conversation has had an effect.

You’re clearly not right for each other, he sounds a cut above your standards and can do way better for himself.

Thanks @Smithey885☺️

I know it’s not a popular response but if he was without sex for 4 years he has possibly got reliant on porn.

Good old MN.😁

This suggestion was always bound to pop up. It's wrong, but thanks for the post.

Awaiting "death grip" to next tick off the bingo card 🤣

It is possible to have amazing sex without a penis being involved at all. Perhaps take the pressure off of him and focus away from his ED and look at all the other ways you can enjoy and explore each other's bodies. If he's not interested in exploring that, then there is an issue.

She's not going to shag you mate.

Maybe he's having performance anxiety? Does he please you orally? If oral is lacking then maybe that's a area to concentrate to take the pressure of PIV?