To go to a sex club with DH?

[ChangeMyNameChangeMyNameee]

Name changed but long time mnetter.

Me and DH have long talked about opening up our marriage. We've now got the kids away at the in-laws for a few nights and considering going to a swingers club tomorrow night. We've discussed hard rules etc beforehand and tbh with it being the first time we might just be boring and have a few drinks and come home but wondering if anyone's got any experiences or tips?

I can't imagine people willing eating curry but they do 🙄

Plenty of clubs don't get 'raided' so I reckon that's fairly unlikely.

Either of them could fall for someone they work with or the postman or the bus driver and it could spell the end of their marriage, the same as anyone in a relationship. So not a unique problem to going to a sex club.

Also, you don't necessarily have to go and play with anyone else. I know a fair few people who go just to watch or be watched and never have sex with anyone other than their partner. And if they are going to do that, I would assume they're likely to have had a chat about emotional boundaries, including 'what happens if one of us hates it'.

Because they may be looking for advice and think that because mumsnet is a site mainly occupied by women, that it will be women on there. Some women won’t realise it’s full of pervs, some will believe the men that pretend to be women on there are really women, some women are vulnerable etc.

You say you’ve discussed hard rules. Did you just mean physical boundaries or also emotional ones?
Can you and your DH truly separate sex from feelings? Is that something you have had previous experiences with? Especially if you or your DH were to have several experiences with the same person?
Many people (especially men) like to believe they can. But somehow still end up developing feelings IME.

How will you react if either you or your DH gets much more attention or interest than the other?

It‘s good that you’ve discussed hard rules and limits. But there’s so much between „yes, fantastic!“ and „absolutely not, never“. And please be aware (both of you) that consent can be withdrawn at ANY time for ANY reason.

This can be fun if you both really want to do this, if your relationship is rock solid and if both of you are in a good place psychologically.

OP it sounds like you've done the important stuff - having a good conversation first about your boundaries, and like you said, set no expectations of anything happening (with anyone else or even each other, if you don't feel like it) the first time.

Just go, be respectful, debrief after and talk about what you did/didn't like - at worst one of you hates it and you don't go back, at best you have a great night!

Oh give over
if you don't want to accidentally discuss going to sex clubs or whatever with men then avoid the sex board. It's not that complicated.

Oh if only they stayed on the sex board. They don’t though.

This possibly isn't the best place to post as you just get all the shock and pearl clutching.

A friend and her husband do this regularly and really enjoy it, they do have a very secure trusting relationship which I think is really important. Me personally, I like the idea and think it sounds fun but I know in reality I'd be overthinking it for ages after and feeling insecure so I don't think I'd actually do it. If you've both talked it through though and you trust each other and have agreed boundaries etc then go for it.

There are some clubs near me that I wouldn't touch with a barge pole but one or two are great.

Went to one in Swindon a few weeks ago for the first time and, despite not knowing anyone except the guy I was with, I had a good time.

My situation is different to yours though as I'm non monogamous, in a community of like minded, respectful people and my relationships are based on that.

But I know lots of couples who are open and what they all have in common is excellent communication with their partner from the start.

Feel free to connect. We actually have a Mumsnet chat group in our community for those of us on here. We are real women (not pervy blokes lol)

Good luck xxx

Right. But the claim made up thread was about perverts hanging about on the sex board looking for kicks.

Lol at expertise. The sex topic is full of mainly men who seem to post for wank fodder. My bet is none of them are having much sex at all, never mind them being experts. 😂🤣😂🤣 Experts in wanking maybe.

Yes, they hang around the sex board, but also the relationship board, sometimes women’s health, style and beauty, AIBU….any thread vaguely about sex, underwear, breast health etc. They’re unlikely to be experts in anything except wanking and being creepy.

Right. But your response was to another poster suggesting that OP ask in the sex board. Which you mocked as a suggestion and stated that most posters on that board are trolls. It's just illogical.

I understand that you struggle to accept that posters can be both normal mumsnetters and also sex people, but we really can.

A sex club? On a midweek evening? Just no!

Me (woman) and my wife used to attend BDSM events pre-baby.

You won't get much helpful advice on this forum, but if you've discussed rules and keep communication open, go for it.

You might want to try a kink event first even if you're not kinky. Communication is very important in kink, as is informed consent. Creepy blokes will very rapidly be removed. I never once felt pressured at kink events, and met some very nice people. They were all just enthusiastic about kink 😂 the club I went to was super nice and welcoming to newcomers. I also personally felt very liberated. You can come fully dressed, which most people do, or go in undies/kink wear/corsets/whatever. I went in stockings/baby doll/blazer and it made me feel the most confident about my body I've ever felt, as people there were all shapes and sizes.

I'm sure there is crossover into swing, but the reason I'd suggest kink is that it will get you used to having some very upfront conversations. Kink also doesn't have to be sexual.

People here will judge you, but we've always had a great time at these events.

I think that mumsnet has become unusable for anyone genuinely looking for advice on sex. It’s not illogical. It’s based on my many years of being on mumsnet.

Years ago, mumsnet refused to have a sex board for a long time because they said it would attract trolls/pervs. Eventually they allowed one and it opened the doors to the pervs more so than before, mainly on the sex board itself, but other boards too.

That anyone would refer to the people on the sex board as experts is hilarious. Read their many posts that sound like something teen boys have got from very bad porn. As I said, experts in wanking, nothing else.

Why are they illegal? I had no idea. If these are all mature adults, all is consensual, and not taking place in public (I assume they don’t hire out church halls, and just take place in private houses), where’s the illegality?

Am i just shockingly naïve?!?

They aren't illegal, unless they are being operated without the correct licence. That applies to any entertainment venue 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t do it you will be opening a huge can of worms that you can’t put back together again. This is potentially a crisis of the soul.

Are you sure it’s really what you want OP? Or are you just going along with it?

Was it more his idea?? Think you are mad !! What if he fancies another woman more than you 😫

Hi OP,
DH & I went to a few about 25 years ago and had good experiences. I think we were fortunate in that regard; there were a couple of instances where my spidey senses were triggered & we avoided certain situations.
I’d not do it again though, there’s too many drugs & STDs around nowadays imo. If you do go, please take extra care on all levels - otherwise, have a great time!!

Well maybe after the Repair Shop has finished.

Proper made me laugh

You know what if you really think you’re up for it and you’ve discussed your rules, full steam ahead shagger!
The only thing I would say is, after take time to think about how it made you feel, maybe write it down, and have a comprehensive debrief. Continue from there with regards to if you want to change any of your rules. It’s totally okay to try something once and decide it’s not for you.

There are loads of places men think they're getting a mainly female audience. The sex board is very tame and as I said users are polite.