When to divulge a fantasy to a new partner

[SaraSunny]

I have a relatively new Partner. Just a couple of months in.

He's a great guy but I can only say the sex is OK. Not mind blowing.

I already know that I'm a lot more adventurous than him.

At what stage would you divulge what you really like or what you fantasise about?

I would say within the first half-dozen times of having sex, while you are exploring how compatible you are-don’t settle!

Depends on your fantasies, you could always slowly introduced them to him as long as he doesnt get scared off😂😂

Enlighten us with a fantasy..

I think it depends on what you mean. I wouldn’t suppress what I am really like at an early stage it only pops its head up further down the line.

Re fantasies depends what they might be if it’s things you want to act out then tell him but I’d maybe show him what you’re really like first.

Id be inclined to just let go and see what happens. Personally full power female sexuality is where I’d want to be and he’s got any sense he’ll lean in.

It depends on the fantasy and how important it is to you.
If there's something sexual that you're going to need, and its going to be a problem for you if you don't get it in the long term, its probably better sooner than later. You also have to be prepared for him to say No.
If it's something you could probably live without if you have an otherwise satisfying sex life, then take your time.

If vanilla sex isn't mind blowing, that's probably the thing to address first. It might not be for him either. So you need to work on getting to know each other's needs better.

If the sex was only ok that would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d only want to introduce fantasies in an established relationship with full trust and already great sex. I guess if they are specific kinks you need to get off that’s different though?

@SaraSunny Probably best if you introduce them one per week, get him used to that. Unless you think they do go together. Perhaps one has a less intense attitude in the morning rather than late at night.

Oh I don't wait until the sex has happened, it's all part of the talking stage before we've even met, I need to know if we're compatible before either of us really waste our time 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would 100% say in your case, the sooner the better, never settle for shit sex 👌🏻

Fantasies or what you actually want to do sexually as the former are really imaginary scenarios. If you want him to be more adventurous tell him what you want after a few times otherwise he will probably think the vanilla sex you seem to suggest is ok , he might want more too

Now. Do not settle for ‘ok’ sex!!! Start with a why don’t we try….or why don’t we share….

good luck 🥰

A quick update:

It hasn't gone to plan. I decided not to rush things.

I suggested we try a different position last night. He was initially ok with it but then reverted to missionary position after a few minutes! I asked if there was something wrong. He said no. I asked if he wanted to try a different position or something new..... He said he only really likes missionary ....

I will discuss this with him again but it seems a little odd. We are compatible on everything else apart from sex!

I forgot to add...... he doesn't like to give or receive oral sex either.

@SaraSunny , he sounds a bit limiting for you. Is he on the transfer list or will you persevere?

Only likes missionary and no oral sex either way

sounds like the scene has been set for the future...

You know what you have to do..

No giving or receiving oral and missionary only 🙈 Either he needs to be willing to work with you and find a comfortable compromise for you both or you need to move on.

Another update.

I tried to initiate more during sex again. The result was no change.

I started a discussion over breakfast as he was saying what a great night he'd had.... he seems to think if the end result is an orgasm, it doesn't matter how.

The only thing he acknowledged was that I have a high sex drive. Really high. He said his sex drive is quite low. I again brought up fantasies and how we could try something new.

Also I may be looking for negatives now..... he is really quiet during sex whereas I'm quite moany!

I'm hoping that we will both have time to think about it at work today.

I am hoping when I see him tonight, he will either initiate something new or start a discussion about it.

If not, looks like I'll be single by Friday!

It's such a waste as he's hot and we are very compatible personalities.

@SaraSunnyyou need someone hot, with compatible personalities AND compatible sex drives!

honestly the best time to end a relationship where the sex isn’t AMAZING is at the start. Just rip that plaster!

I really think it depends on how he reacts to you making suggestions. If I had ended a relationship at the beginning because the sex wasn't going as well as I'd hoped then I'd have got it totally wrong! @Gymbunny2025 It turns out he was willing to try anything, and we are still working on different things now whilst still having marvellous sex 2 years down the line. It just keeps getting better and better.
I think the difference here is, I'm not sure that your fella, @SaraSunny from what you've said, is going to work as hard as mine does to make sex amazing.

Is the no giving and receiving oral thing set in stone, because if so, I've a feeling that he's not going to be willing to work on things to make sex better for you.

@Orgasmicreaction out of interest- do you mean that the sex had the right chemistry, matched desire etc but you needed to show him how your body works and it’s getting better and better with time?

or as in OP case he was only interested in one position, didn’t want to do oral etc but you managed to ‘train’ him?

I just honestly wouldn’t even bother with someone with such a limited list of ‘sex moves’ 😂😂 I want a man with skills (to match mine!)

I think we trained each other! It wasn't obvious at first that we would be able to but we persevered. We were both willing parties though which I'm not sure Op has here.

It seems like no oral is set in stone with him.

I love oral sex and it's usually a massive part of my sex life.

I can tell he's bewildered. I've been asking about his previous relationships and sex. If he's telling me the truth, he says no-one has commented previously. I feel like I'm banging on about sex all of the time to him!

Everything is great apart from sex!

I have wondered if leaving a strategically placed guide to sex book around might help!

Everything is great apart from sex. I'm increasingly frustrated.

Do you see any signs that he might take on board any of this and be willing to do anything different for you?

That could be counter-productive. If he's not as open to sex as you, he could see it as insidious or it could just emphasise the distance between your libidos.
The elationship counsellors I and my ex saw all advocated open conversation where one is actively curious about the other. You have to start by wanting to understand him, rather than trying to fix him.