Fwb

[HoneyCorn]

How do fwb work? I would like to find one and asked for some advice on it but the advice given sounds more like a fb than a fwb, like no kissing? No speaking unless meeting up etc. Is this what others do with a fwb? Also where best to find one I’m not into anything kinky so was just thinking tinder rather than sex apps but do you put it on your profile? Wouldnt want people I know to recognise me and know that’s what I’m looking for 🤣 do you have any rules with your fwb?

He actually sounds like he might have been abusive @AtYourPleasure I'm so glad he's an ex you're way too good for him. I agree with @valentinka31 there are lovely and respectful men out there. And even one on this thread who said he couldn't do FWB. You'll find him

I don't think he was abusive and I'm not fussed on name calling. It wasn't all bad but he could trigger me like noone else and I said my fair share of things that people would frown at.

Personally I agree with @Gymbunny2025 . What @AtYourPleasure related as his comments were, in my opinion, abusive.

'Abuse/abusive' is a strong label. But it can be seen as a general term for any communication/interaction where one person creates an environment where the other feels, at the very top end of the spectrum, belittled/crestfallen/ashamed/anxious and loses some confidence and faith in who they are. At the other end of that spectrum, one person is physically or emotionally destroyed. It's a sliding scale. But what this guy said feels like the undercurrent that can tow you down.

Well, whatever it was has got me headed for therapy. Although TBF, my faith in men was on shaky ground anyway. He just confirmed it.

Sorry for derailing the thread.

You're actually completely correct. He was constantly telling me these things even though he knew it upset, hurt me and made me cry. Goading me for a reaction, which I gave him.

And I asked him once if he would tell his young daughter these things and he said "no, it would make her sad".

But he didn't mind making me sad.

"so casually cruel in the name of being honest"

I am so glad you have seen him for who he really was. He was being abusive and cruel. Please don’t think he speaks for all men 🤗

Are you married? Not judging, just wondering if why you need to message discreetly?

It's a good idea in theory but I wonder how many times it goes wrong?

@Forsite yes I am, we have not had sex for 3 years. I tried to initiate something at Christmas and failed, despite lingerie and literally dropping to my knees.i have suggested porn if that would help him, but he as no desire (he says at all). We had an honest chat at that moment as I broke down sobbing. He agreed to open the marriage up but doesnt want to know details. I met someone in a similar position and we have an arrangement that so far seems to work.

I had an exclusive FWB for a long time but I found I developed feelings really quickly. And trust me he wasn't perfect by any means- but it was the sex, kissing, hand holding & hugging that probably contributed to the feelings. I think intimacy+ genuine friendship creates feelings for a lot of women. I don't know about men as he was adamant he never developed feelings... I don't know how people do it! Its definitely not for me!

One time, we were 'arguing' - he said some bullshit comment and I was calling him out on it. TBF, it did go on for a bit. Anyway, I let it drop and a week later he told me "you've been really lovely this week" (or similar words) and I asked him if he was praising me for "behaving" myself and not annoying him. He said yes. He said it was positive reinforcement. I'm like "you're seriously praising me for behaving myself" and he said yes, he likes it when I'm nice to him. I wasn't not being nice, I was calling him out on a bullshit comment. I, once again, let it drop but he thanked me again, further down the line.

So anyway, I asked if all the nice things he had ever said to me were meant or were they just said to get me to behave myself, if they too were positive reinforcement. He said he wasn't engaging in that conversation as it made us both miserable and that "you have enough data to decide if you like me or not." So how was I supposed to know what's what? Were his comments genuine or was he saying those things to get me to "behave"?

I mean, I get the concept of positive reinforcement - I used it when training my dog - but I don't use it on adults. If I'm nice to someone it's not for a hidden agenda. It's not to get someone to be nice back or make them behave a certain way.

Is it me, was I wrong? Is that the way it should be?

Definitely not normal!! None of it.

Totally agree!

Everyone will be different and I can only speak from personal experience. After a 30 year marriage I had a FWB with an old girlfriend. (Kissing, for sure, and speaking whenever). Lived 250 miles apart so met up probably once a month, plus for weekend trips abroad and a couple of holidays. There was never any suggestion that we would make things any more permanent than this. This carried on for about 5 years until she decided to give it another go with her ex. Our arrangement had always been an ‘open’ one for her benefit as she sometimes had flings, so this was always likely to happen. She was always very open and honest about this. We’re still very good friends and I would say that FWB can work - but establishing rules and expectations is key.

If you are in a fwb relationship that is working then enjoy it.
In reality it is very hard to find that compatibility and maintain such a relationship.

I think the problem with FWB relationships is that some prioritise the 'with benefits' part over the 'friends'. It can work very well if you're very good friends to start with. It doesn't work so well, I don't think, with people you've just met or haven't invested time in.