Fwb

[HoneyCorn]

How do fwb work? I would like to find one and asked for some advice on it but the advice given sounds more like a fb than a fwb, like no kissing? No speaking unless meeting up etc. Is this what others do with a fwb? Also where best to find one I’m not into anything kinky so was just thinking tinder rather than sex apps but do you put it on your profile? Wouldnt want people I know to recognise me and know that’s what I’m looking for 🤣 do you have any rules with your fwb?

If it's sex without complications then maybe a Fuck Buddy might be a better option.

In my view a fwb is a relationship that is more than nsa sex, but is not a “partner” in other areas of life. I wouldn’t introduce mine to friends for example-he’s the bloke I’m discreetly shagging, and I’m very fond of him, but he’s not “mine” and vice versa. I think a lot of women in particular go through the early stages of relationships trying to figure out where they stand, getting excited about meeting parents or being “Facebook official.” FWBs are different in that there has been frank conversation that this relationship is still valuable to both parties, but isn’t heading “there.”

I totally get your situation @NinaOakley and the fact you do have feelings but it can never be more. I also understand living apart together couples that never want to marry and are happy with companionship and sex (but also love each other). I get LDR, ENM, swinging and ONS..,

What I'd love someone to explain to me is why a FWB where you see each other weekly say is better than a relationship. Why is it good/necessary to actively avoid deep feelings? Are these for people unable to love? With low self esteem who don't feel they deserve love? Or just a 'you'll do' until someone better comes along?

Although it's not for me.... I'm all about the feelings.... I think I can understand it. Maybe.

When I'm in, I'm in. I feel deeply. Too deeply at times. I have, in the past, almost lost myself. I feel the good times but I feel the bad times just as hard. And then the inevitable happens and it all turns to sh1t and ends - for whatever reason.

When you love hard, you hurt hard. And I don't want to deal with the hurt. I'd love to be able to just have the dates, the sex, the holidays, the boyfriend/girlfriend experience without feelings. It lessens the chance of getting hurt?

I can't do it. But sometimes I wish I could.

And I think men, if they were being totally honest, would tell you a FWB situation is all they really want. They don't want love, they don't want a deep connection.

IMHO.

I think, if I’m honest, every relationship I had before my mid twenties and wanting the house/kids stuff, was a fwb situation! Caring and attached yes, I’d have called it love then, maybe I still would, but any relationship was secondary to my career until I was established. I’d have moved city and left them behind, (in one case I did!)

I think perhaps that is what men are generally better at doing, choosing when they want to prioritise a relationship, rather than never really wanting a deep connection.

I love all my friends and I'm very fond of them, but I wouldn't want to marry them or live with them. I don't want to be involved in their friendship circles or with their family. I don't want to live in their pockets or they live in mine and sometimes I'm not into their hobbies either. They have a life that includes all of the above and some are very much career minded and work long hours.
However I do like spending time with them and sharing moments, going to the cinema, Brunches, lunches and dinners, coffees and walks, weekends away etc.
Intimacy is something that is not the benefit, the friendship is the benefit. Being intimate is two friends expressing their desires for one another and fulfilling a need without guilt or regrets. It is fun, it is mature.
It's not for everybody but it suits me.

Oh wow I really appreciate those thoughtful and insightful replies! I do understand more now.

But with FWB you are making agreements NOT to develop deeper feelings? To end things if you do? Why? Why not just go with the flow like a normal relationship. IMHO feelings are highly likely at least on one side if you are doing a 'relationship experience' type FWB

Are you male or female? @Mysticguru?

I doubt very much that there are many men (and perhaps many women) who would say the benefit of a FWB was the friendship part of it. Can you imagine any man down the pub with his mates... "We have great sex but best of all I get to go to brunch with her!".

I mean, the clue is in the name "Friends with Benefits". The benefits being sex/intimacy.

Intact, I doubt there are men in any relationship - including long-term full on relationships - who see the friends part of it as the benefit. They might enjoy it to a point but that's not why they're there. My last partner constantly told me that sex was the one thing that bonded men and women. And of-course, I agree it does bond people in a LTR. I was told that we have sex, the oxytocin gets released and "that's what makes you love me / love each other." And again, scientifically he has a point. He might well have enjoyed the other stuff but as far as he was concerned the bond we had was created by sex.

@AtYourPleasure ha ha that made me laugh! I love brunch 😂

But yes I agree with all that

I think I'd be offended if a guy I was sleeping with didn't fall in love with me tbh 😂

I think I'd be offended if a guy I was sleeping with didn't fall in love with me tbh 😂

I guess the point is, they aren't falling in love with us/women. They're falling in love with the sex. There's a lot more to us/women than our bodies and how men can use our bodies. Unfortunately men don't think the same way.

Exactly that! A FWB may love the sex and my body but isn't interested in me as a person (beyond a superficial level). That just wouldn't work for me. And you're right it must be more common that it works for men than women?

Exactly that! A FWB may love the sex and my body but isn't interested in me as a person (beyond a superficial level).

I think that's the way it is for all men TBH, not just in a FWB situation.

I have a lot more faith in most men than that! Most of the men I know love their wives and children dearly.

I'd have thought that too. Once upon a time.

Well, in my opinion, there are no accepted rules - you decide between the two of you.

Which is the Fundamental Rule of All, really:
being direct, being open, being straight with what you think, feel, want and can offer.

This is a simple deal for mutual benefit. The aim is pleasure, and life-enhancement. The deal needs to be set up in a clear way and both parties happy with it.

So for me, talking and texting is very important. That constant feeling of reaching out and the other person is there and wants to talk about everything with you, that low swell of flirtation, the exploration of each other - that's all part of the connection and the pleasure.

No kissing? No thank you. What is this? A b version of 50 Shades?!

For me, the ideal is a reliable, solid agreement to meet regularly (probably max 2 times a week or it will really take over your life, can work fine on twice a month). This combined with daily texting/voice messages and I know some like video but not for me.

Personally I would not be interested in someone who is in a life relationship with someone else. I prefer a younger guy who has some years experience but is still free to please himself (and me : ).

You probably have to agree at the outset on expectations. There is a danger of getting over-attached. It's kind of natural. Because to have the best sex it does touch not just your body.

So try not to get hurt, and not to hurt the other person. Always be kind. But at some point you may need to be firm, with yourself and/or him.

And remember, the sex is the point of this. To have that uplifting connection, love of each other's bodies, and the health benefits of just being natural and unfettered and worshipful and happy. Like you might love going for a long walk or being in a field of flowers or on a wild heath.

Well, that's how it works for me, anyhow.

And it might seem strange, to walk into a room with someone and immediately start to hold each other. But in many cultures, sex is given shame-free status as being essential, and therapeutic, and respectful of the two participants. So... it's all good.

When looking for a suitable mate, though, you need to make is very clear you want a regular arrangement with a connection, not just a one-off. Because some guys just range around collecting scalps, as it were.

You might have to try a few before you find the right person.

I would be a little careful on Tinder. I'd suggest Hinge as a good source.

And I don't know how old you are, but suggest you put your age range from whatever top age you want to ... 20. Do it.

I also say to OP, do it.

It works for me, in some way a bit similar to @NinaOakley situationship because we both have busy life and various commitments.

And we enjoy the friendship too, we often bounce off ideas on life stuff just to get the objective view from the sidelines. I remember chatting to a potential fwb's about cars when I was looking to buy mine 🤣. But that comes with time, initially it was definitely about improving sex life.

In my original profile years back i did say I would consider FWB 😊

I think FWB is a relationship. You can care and have feelings for someone who you’re fucking on a very casual basis, with no expectation of it developing any further.

I’ve always enjoyed FWB specifically because we both knew it wasn’t going to become any more than that. Serious, long term relationships become stale and familiar and I simply don’t want that. I like keeping it fresh and exciting. Plus I already have a primary partner so I’m not looking to fill that position!

It’s an interesting point about not necessarily liking your FWB. My last FWB and I had great primal chemistry in the bedroom, he made me laugh and we had shared interests but I was acutely aware that he was a massive narcissist. Plus he had a very questionable dress sense! I’d never want to be in a “proper” relationship with him and actually felt quite sorry for his girlfriend. So, I guess you avoid the risk of falling for someone like that. You quite literally enjoy the benefits without all the emotional angst of falling in love.

I also felt safer with someone who was attached perhaps because my situation is was similar, then u know the lie of the land yourself and it's all better balanced.

I had something like this with a coworker. I specifically told him we can have sex in work hours and half hour after. We got too close and I had to end it before my husband knew. But he pestered me in work for more. I actually phoned his wife one day and told her. My husbands friend got too emotional attached to me

Funny you should say that @PinotPony the guy I described as my FWB (not sure we ever used the term ourselves) was also a bit of a narc. We were friends and still are and I was very attracted to him physically, despite his personality 😂. Yet I STILL developed feelings for him just because we were having regular great sex. Luckily for me he had already met his now wife then (I also feel a bit sorry for her!)

I think the best men do understand that.

I deliberately don't only talk about sex. I let them contemplate exactly what a creature they might have the absolutely pleasure of interacting with.

I only go for guys who get who I am, and not just in a one-dimensional way.

Having said that, the bar shouldn't be too high for FWB in my opinion. It's necessary to have one (or a partner) - well, necessary to have a regular source of physical contact. So if it's a bit shallow but still nice then that's way better than languishing forever online trying to find the 'perfect' one.

As for what's the difference between FWB and a partner - with one you arrange intermittent meetings for sex, you walk in the door, he gives you a hug, off you go. Afterwards you kiss goodbye and feel happy. And you don't worry in the slightest about where he's come from or where he's going, and you don't think for one instant about his phone and who he's messaging or wft with any of it.

He shows up for you, you show up for him, it's all good.

With a partner, your lives are fully interlaced. Therefore, you take on the care and involvement for every aspect of his life, and you manage how that affects yours. And a joint 'life' is created. Which needs regular maintenance etc etc.
And hand-holding at the dentist, trips to A & E, getting on with his family, feeling upset you can't get the car you want because he's done a spreadsheet about how you should be getting an estate car, and the rest.

And you know where he is 24/7.
You know who he's talking to or not.
You can access any of his social media whenever you like.
You can pick up his phone whevever you like.

But if all is ok, you don't. You don't need to. You trust him.
And sometimes it isn't. And then it could all get to you, and your joint life fracture, and your own along with it. Add in a smattering of beloved kids to get distressed and have their lives messed up too.

FWB = nice and safe.

Partner = you have to get a perfect one. Which could never happen.

See to me what you describe is a fuck buddy. Just sex. No friendship or relationship lite experience. I agree occasional pure sex can be fun on its own. But if that's regular, if there's friendship, messaging, meeting inbetween... why would 2 people want that not to be a relationship with feelings (even if not living together)? Why are these 'boundaries' of zero feelings put in place? That's what I don't get! Is it because as you say a relationship needs to be perfect, so anyone less would be a FWB. In which case if someone suggested that to me it would be a definite no 😂

To me, the F bit is as important as the B bit. Otherwise @Gymbunny2025 is right, it's a FB, not a FWB.

I did other things with my FWB's - we did "normal" partnery type stuff, had meals, went to the cinema, had weekends away etc, but underlying it all was the expectation of sex without commitment.

As a PP has said a FWB IS a relationship, but is more than a ONS, and has more boundaries than a "normal" relationship (and probably more sex!) 😁

@AverageGuy
The expectation of sex without commitment (or feelings)

Why?

Were you exclusive with your FWB's or did you see others at the same time? How long did they last?