Younger men understand me and make me happy. Is there something wrong with me?

[valentinka31]

That's about it.

I love all men, I don't have any problem at all with older guys. But I just find that more younger guys understand me more, are nicer and more open, and we just get each other.

The simple sort of things I like are what they like too. And they respect that and me.

Probably now some answers will be oh, you seem available, they are up for anything, it's all bs, but ... it feels deeper, much deeper, than that.

Does equivalent age have to rule appropriacy of connection?

I think, mutinously, and from experience ... not.

Thank you for the book and I will check it out.

You mention the next big issue with this: the notion that the age of one's children has a bearing on how old the person is with whom one has sex.

Maybe I am unnatural, but the age of my children seems to me to have zip to do with that. I don't consider my children in the same bracket (?!!!) and therefore they are a totally separate thing. If I had sex with a guy the same age as my father, would that also then be weird? That to me would be weirder actually. Way way weirder.

Thanks for taking the suggestion in the spirit it was intended. I would definitely be interested in what you think when and if you get around to reading/listening to it.

In my opinion it made menopause and interesting and dare I say positive phase in a woman’s life.

It genuinely made me love women more think wife, sister mother. I think we’re derailing the sex thread 😊

I like this (along with many of your posts valentinka31), but in reverse as I (M, 50s) manage a team of younger women at work. I don't fancy them hugely (with the odd exception), and am sure they'd laugh if I tried anything, but I learn from them every day and they keep my outlook young (ish), in a good way. It's not true, though, that 20 somethings are all flexible and iconoclastic and older folks are stodgy. My young colleagues can be infuriatingly timid and conventional, and sometimes I despair at their lack of adventurousness. That might just be because financially they are munted compared with our generation.

well sex is about the whole person not just (for some) an expensive credit card or cash purchase in Ann Summers and/or a Travelodge booking with another couple.

For me tbh it is a bit of a sacred act. It is what it is, I respect it hugely, and am very protective of my body and soul. If I was a different person then maybe I'd have a totally different approach, but for me a question about sexual compatibility will ultimately be about mine/the other's soul. I've tried but I can't shake this.

I like what you say here. I agree that younger women can be very conventional and narrow-minded. But for some reason I find younger men kind of inquisitive and open-minded and sort of freeing for me. They always encourage me to be myself, that seems to be a theme. And they don't want me to be 22. They want me to be who I am, a mother, a woman. I love that.

Yes 20-something women are often minted and often really quite tricky imo. It's all those hormones. I have a lot of hormones but mine are honed over time only to focus on sex and serenity haha

Ha ha valentinka31 by 'munted' I meant scuppered - i.e. broke with student loans and sky-high rents. Not minted at all! And I think that makes a lot of them very conventional for all their woke-ness (good in some ways though it is). Sounds like you're meeting some terrific young guys though. I hope some of my mates were sort of like that back then. And your hormones are obviously doing a cracking job!

According to the New York Times it was 18!

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/15/style/dating-apps-online-men-women-age.html

Which I don't get, myself - being a nearly 50 year-old man, women under 30 bring out my protective instincts. The views of men not on dating apps will be different, I think.

Maybe, despite everything we are told, men are actually getting nicer and do listen to all the criticism. It's true that Andrew Tate etc is certainly a thing, but perhaps that sort of misogyny is just more visible now because to the majority of men it's unacceptable. Younger men are less likely to have been brought up to it: Tate-ism is an opt-in, not a default.

Maybe younger men are actually nicer people.

(I hope so)

One shivers slightly, looking up there.
The hardness and the brightness and the plain
Far-reaching singleness of that wide stare

Is a reminder of the strength and pain
Of being young; that it can’t come again,
But is for others undiminished somewhere.

hahahayes I was wondering a bit about the minted!!
and yes, v nice guys

love that quotation.. and yesI do they they are differently trained now, more informed, more careful and aware

@Catullus5 oh dear 😂

The article is behind a pay wall but doesn't seem right?!

I can't believe men in general would prefer an 18 year old to a 22 year old?!

Or women would prefer a 50 year old to 40 year old?!

@Gymbunny2025 Here's another one

https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/16/world-online-dating-women-peak-18-men-peak-50-7845823/

But I agree, it doesn't seem right. Peak in what sense? Maybe there are disproportionately fewer men over, say, 35 on dating apps

Anyway, according to Big Data (again) the average woman is more desirable than the average man so it's all by the way anyway.

Thanks for the link ☺️ I'll read after my run (knowing I'm over twice the age of my 'peak'!!)

That's a horrible article full of nonsense!! : D

Well, it did only refer to research in certain urban areas of the USA, and who knows how people think there. ..

I do agree that there are no men on dating apps between about 28/9 and 45/6, apart from the odd straggler. I've deduced this is because it's the main age period for full nesting and child-rearing. Then people emerge back on to the stage post-break up and start miserably looking again in their 40s+, thinking wtf now nobody is going to want me.

My (not really very radical) take on the 'value' of women over 40 is that there is a cohort of way younger men, early 20s, who see the value of these women and know, of course, that they are told they are losing value by the month. But these are the mothers, aunts, teachers, etc, they've fantasised about from when they started thinking like that - these are adult women. So, especially with the opportunity for such easy boundary-crossing and communication that the internet affords, these guys are boldly approaching someone's mum. And, from what I've heard, and my own experience, this can be a very dynamic combination, and really extremely good for both parties.

I think women of that age, let's say who are now 'free' because of a long life relationship having ended, often find compartmentalising their life works better. They have kids, most likely higher secondary age or older, and who they bring home (if anyone at all) is a very tricky subject, as the kids are old enough to want to dictate, or at least approve, their mum's choice of partner. So she might choose to keep it totally separate and see someone on her own time, not even telling the kids. And this also suits young guys.

The issue of course comes when you want to find a new full life partner. You can't roll up with a 21 year old. So then you are left with the flotsam and jetsam of morose divorced guys who have watched really too much porn and can come across as a combination of needy and seedy. I feel for them, but they are not my type. I don't mean to generalise about any age group, and of course I do love and feel for everyone, but in terms of who I actually feel moved to lie next to, it seems to be someone who is forging his own path and could have whatever 18-25 year old girl he wants, but prefers me. Because why not? I do actually put my foot down at the idea that having lived more years has devalued me. Quite the opposite. I feel like it's only enhanced my charms.

But in bald terms: that 20-something guy on average won't be looking to settle down and have kids until his late 20s. So he has a bit of time early 20s to have a rewarding set-up with an older woman, and possibly not have to worry much about contraception, so be able to live the dream. ...

To be fair: I was also in a very abusive relationship, and I feel like there's something about being with someone much younger which feels safer and new.

I think we are getting too deep into this discussion. I think it comes down to hormones and physical attraction. Man is the procreator, women are nurtures. A young male is sexually active between the age of 15 to 25 and will have sex with any female who is available. Women are fertile from the age of puberty until they reach their menopause. When they stop producing their eggs. Therefore when a lady in her late 30’s early 40’s meets a young male and they have sexual chemistry then sparks will fly.
when I was in my early 20’s I had an affair with a separate married women. Everytime we met at weekends we had sex several times quite often she was ripping my cloths of while I stood to attention. It was pure animal/ hormonal lust on both sides. She wanted marriage and children I didn’t. The relationship lasted two months then we parted.
I would say that our monogamous system of being married is one of the causes that as couples age together then sex becomes boring and couples eventually give it up. You might say that I was lucky I had a very good sex life with my wife until she died at 71.
therefore what I would say to Valentinka31 is enjoy it while you can, providing nobody gets hurt. If it lasts great otherwise young partners will leave to find a younger model to start a family.
And as for older men they should learn to respect and give pleasure to their partners. We all eventually get older and our bodies change but with love and patience and respect you can have an enduring and loving relationship.
An old friend once said about sex “as a youth you start out as a rock star s***g anything in a skirt but as you get older you become a comfortable saloon. It’s how you get there not when that matters”
I apologise for my long tirade but sex is very important to a lot of people and should be discussed.

Ooh @valentinka31 are you getting lots of DM from young men off the back of this post? I appear to have had 2 although luckily (for me!) both accounts appear to have been deleted which saves me the job of reporting 😂

Thank you Valentinka31 for your heart. It’s the first I’ve had. I would also add Mumsnet could do well to consider doing an online dating service.

A couple of women I know have had flings with younger men. Definitely flings - I couldn't see any planning for the long term. I can also think of some others, both divorced twice, their families are complete and children grown, but still interested in men 'just for the weekend' as one of them put it to me. And while I think there's definitely still a taboo about age-gap relationships, there's still room for something like this to work at the edges.

I imagine the men are enticed by this for various reason, as is generally three case, but I think valentinka31's is right about being mothered being one of them. Leastways the thought of that and being on the wrong ends of a big power imbalance has always been a big turn on for me.

I, personally, couldn't/wouldn't do it. It's not my cup of tea and it feels a bit ick. But if you are both consenting adults, who cares what others think!

Saying that; my sex life, over the past decade, with middle aged men, has been abysmal. The sex has been shit. Either they cant get it up or have thimbles! Does Dick shrink as men get older? I wonder whether this is why so many middle aged men feel so angry. They know they can't satisfy a woman so use toxic masculinity instead.

So, from a sexual standpoint, I see the appeal but personally it would feel wrong, for me.

I agree with all of that. The main point being that if and when two people feel like that, then it's something to be happy about.

And all one can wish for is someone who always feels like that about you, and you about them.

I don't know that MN is exactly the terrain of young men, but there is the odd lone wolf who's cottoned on to the fact that there is a whole pen of mother sheep corralled here, and some are peeking through the fence and wondering what's on the other side ...

You're very welcome, thank you for what you said and most of all for sharing your honest experience and opinion. And yes, MN dating would be something else. But oh my lord the moderating that would be required of that!!

there is definitely, imo, a cohort of those guys who want to be mothered. But that isn't really my mo. And, as you say, their age doesn't really matter there, it's an instinct.

I think the taboo is about older woman-young man way more than the other way around.