Husband wants more affection from me

[OrangutanDaisies]

...to feel connected enough to have more sex with me. I do like affection but I get turned on very easily so I find it frustrating to initiate lots of affection if it's not leading to sex.

I feel like this would be many males dream.
I feel like I should be grateful for him wanting more affection from me.
I feel less of a woman for not wanting more affection.
I feel like I'm immasculating him by wanting more sex.

I am going to give it a go as I do want it to work between us and obviously he's not asking for anything totally unreasonable or disrespectful in any way.

I always read threads about men being sex pests and the advice is always that he needs to respect them more. I don't feel like I'm disrespecting him though, I just feel like I have cut off some of my affection to him because I'm sexually frustrated. It wasnt intentional... I'm not trying to punish him. It just happened.

I feel like I'm going to get flamed here. But I am posting with an open mind as I'm willing to change my mindset in order for things to improve.

Anyone been through this? And come out the other side? Any tips or suggestions?

Male Here-

I crave affection as much as sex. I love it when we are snuggled on the sofa and her had is brushing through my hair or gently stroking my arm or leg. Its not sexual, but its very sensual and brings a degree of closeness together which in turn makes the sex better.

You need to have boundaries between affection and sex, and work out what forms of affection will turn you on and lead to sex, and which forms are just lovely and more platonic. In theory, if you are curled up on the sofa together, you are being affectionate, but unless there are any stray hands, i cant see why it should lead to sex.

I hate the term sex pest, men really cant win on here. They are sex = they are a sex pest - they don't want sex = they are a porn addict/having an affair. A man is allowed to want to have sex ( with consent ) without being a sex pest and every DP i have had has loved the fact that i showed affection and wanted to be intimate with them. And you are definitely not less of a woman for wanting more affection and you are are doing any thing but emasculating him by wanting more sex!!

@smithey85 Thanks for your reply.

Genuine question....why do you think you crave affection? Rather than just want it.

I suspect if your sex life was fulfilling the non sexual intimacy would come naturally....

The issue surely is you want sex and he doesn't?

I suspect if your sex life was fulfilling the non sexual intimacy would come naturally....

Well it can't be as simple as that can it. Everyone has different appetites for both sex and affection. He seems to have a higher appetite for affection than me.

Or maybe it's about the order of things...he needs affection to have sex whereas I need to be sexually satisfied to be affectionate. Neither of us are willing to give it all up due to this incompatibility.

The issue surely is you want sex and he doesn't?

He's telling me he definitely wants more sex but doesn't feel close enough to me and connected enough to be to initiate sex. Whereas if I'm cuddled up in bed with him I'm automatically turned on I don't need anything else. We could have just argued and I'd still be horny.

I'd be willing to stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of the kids, we've gone a long time with very sporadic sex and I just accepted it and now he's said he doesn't want to stay together just for the kids and wants us to be more affectionate so that he can feel in the mood to want to have sex with me.

I feel he wants to feel desired and, if you can meet that need, he'll respond so enthusiastically that the sex should fulfill you more.

I don't believe him. I think he's blaming you for the sexless marriage... maybe he senses you are thinking of looking elsewhere so he's offering a carrot

She said that if she cuddles him in bed she wants more. Of course he feels desired!

I’m the same as you OP. I don’t know what the answer is. My DH hasn’t asked for more affection but recently said he wanted to be “seduced”. I have issues giving affection generally so I’m at a total loss, and usually just wait for him to initiate because otherwise I feel like a sex pest or like he’s having to have sex he doesn’t want.

We sleep separately because I would find it tortuous being next to him night after night when he was just was not interested.

It feels great 😂

Honestly I think if a man fancies and desires you he would thank his lucky stars that a bedtime cuddle made you horny and want sex with him!! Even after a busy day with no real time together (that's life with kids often!)

I'd be really interested if any of the men on here disagreed with this!

Crave/want same thing. I think any human wants affection, they want to know they are loved and that their partner feels close to them.

Could I have sex without any affection - yes but it wouldn't be particularly loving or passionate.

If my DP was snuggling up to me in bed, I would certainly call that affection, and it would be a signal for me to take things further.

However, sometimes you can't rely on the other person to take the lead. When your snuggled up, take control, kiss him, touch him and let him lead from your actions.

But this man is saying he actively doesn't want his wife to take the lead. He wants a cuddle but NOT sex...

Why does he not want the affection to develop into sex? Does he have a problem in the manhood department? Maybe talk to him about it.
I want more sex than my husband can give as he doesn't have the energy these days. Sometimes relieve myself.

He's not said that he doesn't want me to take the lead. He's said that he hasn't been initiating it with me because he wants more affection and to feel closer to me. He wants me to greet him with a kiss and hug when he comes home from work. This was near impossible when my kids were toddlers but now it is pheasable. It's just not a priority of mine but clearly it is for him. Whereas sex is a priority for me.

He has not said he doesn't want affection to develop into sex it's just that the affection that he feels is lacking is at a time when we definitely wouldn't be having sex like when he's just come home from work and kids are around.

Thanks for sharing. I think my husband wants me to seduce him with more touch throughout the day. But I think I'm just quite a focused person, not a multi tasker. If I'm playing monopoly with my kids and husband I'm not engaging in the game and rubbing his arm/stroking his head. I'm just engaging in the game that's it.

He says I come across quite cold..which I have been told before in different situations. I can't cash ge who I am but I definitely have the motivation and energy to try harder. I just don't want it to be soul destroying!

Didn't you post about him wanting you to greet him at the door with a kiss and a hug recently? And everyone said he was being unreasonable 😂

If that wasn't you look it up and show it to him!

Is he saying that if you don't do that then he doesn't want sex?

Yeah I find cuddling in bed so frustrating if it doesn't lead to sex so I guess I have withdrawn from that. But he's not asked for that he's asked for affection throughout the day. It's a bit like which came first chicken or the egg.

He wants affection to have sex.
I want sex and I'm not really that fussed about affection. (I hate admitting that, it makes me feel like a horrible person).
But probably I'd be more affectionate if I had more sex.

But not wanting to cuddle or stroke your husband while you're playing with your kids is normal. When I'm with my kids I'm focused on them too. Not on building up to sex later...

That wasn't me so yes I'll look it up. No he's not saying it as simple as that. I'm picking out the gist of the conversations we have been having. He also said if I'm too stressed to give him affection when he arrives than to just tell him and obviously he will be OK with that. My argument is if I am stressed I don't have the communication skills to tell him that. Obvs I need to work on that. If I'm not affectionate he automatically thinks I'm pissed off with him whereas I'm probs just busy.

Definitely don’t disagree, be surprised really if any man would

@Gymbunny2025 & @Sadcafe That's a bit of a sweeping statement though isn't it. You'd probably also say that women need affection to have sex, whereas I don't. Not everyone fits into the usual gender stereotypes.

The stereotype is that men are always gagging for sex and need sex before they can be affectionate, while women need to feel loved and valued before they want to have sex. Men who aren't always up for it are weird

The reality is much more varied and more complex. OP seems to have the same problem that many men have here. She feels that she needs to withdraw affection because when she gives it, it makes her horny and if he then doesn't 'put out' she's left frustrated (and feeling, in a transactional way, that she's done what he wanted and still he won't join in). So she withdraws affection - the one thing that he wants more of. It's a vicious circle

I dont know how to break it but sex (or good sex) is not transactional. Sure there may well be a little give and take, but there should be no entitlement. So dump the thought that "I've done x so you should do y"

Is he being honest about needing more affection or just justifying a lack of desire? You need to have really honest discussions. Honesty is easy when you only have food things to say but difficult and painful if you uave hard thungs to own up to. So be really really honest and be prepared to listen hard and without reacting defensively (that goes for both of you). You'll need to do some groundwork to prepare for the conversation. It might even be several conversations. And it may be that you're incompatible; I think it likely that some understanding and compromise will be needed if there is a solution

@Emptyandsad I agree with pretty much everything you've said apart from I'm not consciously withdrawing affection...it's just that if we are not having regular sex my mood takes a hit and I don't feel desired so I struggle to be in the mood to give affection.

We are in the middle of having lots of very honest and difficult conversations...it's ongoing. He said in a very sensitive way that he would be more attracted to me if I lost a bit of weight. Which is completely understandable and I was intending to loose a stone after new years anyway. I hold extra weight in all the wrong places! He made it very clear that that is not the main issue and he is definitely still attracted to me and he is also going to loose some weight and tone up too. I don't feel he needs to, but he said it would give him a boost anyway.

It depends. We went through some really stressful years and (both being quite intense people) there was a lot of friction, at times pretty bad.

I still desired DW and I still had a libido, but I did not want sex without a bit of cherishing, I guess.

That's interesting. You mean a cuddle in bed from a wife that loved and desired you at the end of a stressful day (for both of you) would not have been enough for you to feel cherished and want sex with her?