Husband wants more affection from me

[OrangutanDaisies]

...to feel connected enough to have more sex with me. I do like affection but I get turned on very easily so I find it frustrating to initiate lots of affection if it's not leading to sex.

I feel like this would be many males dream.
I feel like I should be grateful for him wanting more affection from me.
I feel less of a woman for not wanting more affection.
I feel like I'm immasculating him by wanting more sex.

I am going to give it a go as I do want it to work between us and obviously he's not asking for anything totally unreasonable or disrespectful in any way.

I always read threads about men being sex pests and the advice is always that he needs to respect them more. I don't feel like I'm disrespecting him though, I just feel like I have cut off some of my affection to him because I'm sexually frustrated. It wasnt intentional... I'm not trying to punish him. It just happened.

I feel like I'm going to get flamed here. But I am posting with an open mind as I'm willing to change my mindset in order for things to improve.

Anyone been through this? And come out the other side? Any tips or suggestions?

If I'd had a stressful day, or if we'd quarreled, it absolutely wouldn't have been enough for me to want sex. I would have needed the time to reconnect.

I wonder whether the OP's DH is a sensitive soul who is conscious of some discord in the marriage and needs some reassurance and a bit of soothing from OP.

As an aside, as DW and I get older we find we mightn't be in the mood at the same time, and it's becoming more common that one of us gets the other off without the expectation of reciprocation. If I were the DH I might offer some oral just as a gift.

I think what you are describing is a self perpetuating problem. Your husband needs more affection to have more sex, and you need more sex to be affectionate.
I am a bit like you op, I get turned on when my partner is being generally affectionate. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe when will help, and I hate suggesting it, is a few scheduled sex nights. That way when your Husbsnd is being affectionate you know that it’s not going to lead to sex ect on that night and you can just enjoy the affection for what it is. I do find that sex is a really bonding emotional thing for my partner and myself and we are more affectionate after which usually leads to more sex … you just need to break the cycle!

I'm basically trying to break the cycle.I n the past when we have tried to schedule it he just feels too under pressure which I get.

He is trying to break the cycle too by giving me more quality time something he needs less of.

@OrangutanDaisies do you have quality time together as well? I think one thing that helps is having a date night .., don’t have to put a label on it but go to the cinema, book a restaurant, book a baby sitter .., book a room lol! Increase the touch if you can in every day life when you don’t have a chance to get too turned on. But I know what you mean about scheduling .. for us it’s always a Saturday night without fail, Sunday morning and that’s usually a long session then a few times in the week. My kids are 50% at their dads and his are eow so we share same child free weekends. Even if kids are home we are just super quiet and just lock to door! I know sometimes my dp just wants to cuddle which I find sexually frustrating!

@AnonAnonmystery yeah we have booked a babysitter one Sunday this month, we probs do that every month or two to have some child free time. And we intnd to have a date night once a week...which will just be at home. We will cook something nice and eat together.

The amount of aex you're having is admirable! I'm jealous 🤣

Sex therapists recommend mutual masturbation to build intimacy. Of course, both partners need to be interested in it. Mutual masturbation does not involve penetration sex, and it is a good way for partners to teach each other the best kind of arousal. You might suggest mutual masturbation to him. Sex therapist Helena Nista created the video, "What Is Mutual Masturbation & How To Do It", that provides more information on this. To find the video, go to the YouTube website; and search for:

What Is Mutual Masturbation & How To Do It

I think this would be a good idea for all couples. It might be awkward to start with but would definitely build understanding of what each other like

I know this will sound so simplistic and, probably stupid, but why can't you give him a few hugs?
It's not the most demanding or time consuming of things to do.

A hug here, a kiss there.

It'll make him feel either desired or appreciated.

At the very least, it'll call his bluff. Assuming he is bluffing.

@Thorninhisside I know it seems so simple when you write it down like that and I am far more capable of doing it now that I'm off work for the Xmas break but when I'm busy in the evenings with the kids and he arrives home I'm just not in the right mindset to remember to greet him and hug him. I'm busy.

But yes this is what I intend to do. Prioritise hugging him and if I can't I'll tell him why.

@OrangutanDaisies i don’t think you need to greet him when he gets home but once kids are in bed and “mum mode “ is off you can give him a hug or snuggle up on the sofa, ask him to give you a neck massage. It’s slowly incorporating touch into your day. It becomes habit. You won’t need to remind yourself.

@AnonAnonmystery once kids are in bed is exactly when I want his attention....through our conversations he has agreed that he will spend that time with me rather than him just watching TV...that I don't like! His preference is to get the affection as soon as he sees me when the kids are still around. This is what I have been resisting...but I am invested with in breaking this cycle we are in.

@OrangutanDaisies much more quality in getting that attention after kids go to bed as tbh it can lead to sex too! Which is good for you too. Tbh you have kids together, I don’t with my dp but when we go out as a family he’s always holding my hand ect ..: so you can feel close even with kids if you handhold ect. In fact it’s good for them to see what a healthy and loving relationship looks like!

It’s a very good idea, myself and dp evolved to this and added another dimension to our sex life ❤️

I'm thinking that if there was some affection outside of him arriving home, then he wouldn't be so insistent on it when he does walk through the door.

Simple shows of affection on a day-to-day basis might go a long way to allieving the problems.

Perhaps he feels that he's going out to work every day to provide for his wife and family but doesn't get the appreciation (i.e affection) that he needs?

Or maybe not. Maybe he just has a low sex drive this searching for excuses.

When the kids are in bed and you are no longer in mum mode... he then would rather watch TV? And doesn't want to cuddle, reconnect as a couple or sex?

It does sound very much like he is making excuses. Hurdles for you to jump. You need to lose a stone, greet him when he gets home from work, smooth his hair while also playing with the kids... then he will want sex with you? I suspect if you do all of this more excuses will appear. Of course I hope I'm wrong

Sorry this is TMI but I masterbate by lieing on my stomach and using a pillow to rub on my clit but over my clothes...I do not feel sexy at all doing it and so would not be into being watched. I never touch myself with my fingers as it just feels too scratchy even if i used lube. I've tried a vibrator but that doesn't do anything for me.

I guess I could see how he feels about masturbating with me watching.

@Gymbunny2025 I suspect if you do all of this more excuses will appear. Of course I hope I'm wrong my thoughts too. But this is like my one last try before we break up the family.

We actually go to the finally parts of divorce and then he said he can't go through with it let's give it another go and that's why we have been having all these conversations. I'm very much invested in making it work as I don't want to break my children's hearts by separating.

But please please don't misinterpret that as me saying I am willing to stay together because of the children. What I am saying is that I am willing to put more effort into making our relationship work because of the kids. If it still doesn't work then we will have no option but to split.

I think from your latest post you both need to start to get to know each other again before you move on to this. It’s something dp and i done after 5 years together and alot of experimentation with other stuff in the bedroom. Mutual masturbation does have to be watching each other but pleasuring each other too which can be foreplay or the main event. I think for now less is more. I really am in awe that even though divorce has been discussed that you have desire for your dp.
I also think marriage counselling would be beneficial seeing as you really want to make a go of it. I think start small, create good habits, ask him how his day was if you don’t feel you can hug him when he gets home, that way he will still feel visible.
i really hope he puts the effort in for you too though, it can just be about him, I don’t want you to be jumping through hoops for nothing.

I think he genuinely wants more sex with me but I think he is feeling like more of it is in my control than really is. But what's the point in me putting my foot down I may as well give it a go. What have I got to loose?

One advantage of mutual masturbation is that you learn (by watching) what stimulates your partner, even if you are not doing the stimulation. Also, you could ask him if he would like to use a masturbation sleeve. Masturbation sleeves (like a Tenga EGG) are easy to use on the partner's penis because the lube is contained within the sleeve. A bullet vibrator can also be used by the partner to experiment and find out what best stimulates the woman's clitoris. Mutual masturbation is not about stressing and overloading with orgasm, though. It is about discovering what gives your partner pleasure. If he is not receptive to the learning process, you both could consider seeing a sex therapist. Sex therapists are very good at guiding couples to better intimacy.

Yeah we were considering seeing a couples counsellor but perhaps a sex therapist is more appropriate.

Often marriage counselors really do not help with sexual intimacy. If you need to restore or build sexual intimacy, it would be better for you both to see a sex therapist.

Do you think it's just a case of you having a much higher sex drive than he does? Nothing is going to help if that's the case. To me different sex drives are a deal breaker as someone is always unhappy.

You've had two kids with him though so were things different when you were just dating? You're looking at breaking up your family because you want more sex, are you sure it's worth it?

@Gem359 that’s a bit harsh. Sex or lack of it can be a dealbreaker ( it would be for me). I wouldn’t minimise how op feels.

Sometimes one of the partners in a couple does not realize how much the other partner needs satisfaction. Also, the knowledge of what provides the satisfaction can be very low, or incorrect. This leads to misunderstandings, and one or both partners reject intimacy. A sex therapist can help to correct this.