Husband wants more affection from me

[OrangutanDaisies]

...to feel connected enough to have more sex with me. I do like affection but I get turned on very easily so I find it frustrating to initiate lots of affection if it's not leading to sex.

I feel like this would be many males dream.
I feel like I should be grateful for him wanting more affection from me.
I feel less of a woman for not wanting more affection.
I feel like I'm immasculating him by wanting more sex.

I am going to give it a go as I do want it to work between us and obviously he's not asking for anything totally unreasonable or disrespectful in any way.

I always read threads about men being sex pests and the advice is always that he needs to respect them more. I don't feel like I'm disrespecting him though, I just feel like I have cut off some of my affection to him because I'm sexually frustrated. It wasnt intentional... I'm not trying to punish him. It just happened.

I feel like I'm going to get flamed here. But I am posting with an open mind as I'm willing to change my mindset in order for things to improve.

Anyone been through this? And come out the other side? Any tips or suggestions?

@Gem359 You're looking at breaking up your family because you want more sex, are you sure it's worth it?

No...we are both miserable within our relationship. We both want more sex. He thinks more affection from me will lead to more sex. I want sex and feel that would lead to more affection. I also want more quality time. But probably less time with him over all...I do not want to watch crime documentaries with him!! I'd rather go to a pilates class instead and have a dedicated date date. It was him who said he wanted a divorce I have always said I'm willing to work at things.

I have a pet theory based on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. You could call it Catullus5's Hierarchy of Intimacy. Ie, sex at the apex, maybe non-sexual contact in the middle, physical and emotional comfort / safety at the base. The apex won't be there if the base isn't.

That doesn't apply to you very well, OP, but I wouldn't be surprised if it fits very accurately with your DH if you've had such serious issues that you've nearly divorced, ie, he's unsure of his place with you and feels insecure so the base is missing and he can't open up for sex. You say he was the one that suggested one, but that won't have come out of nothing.

I do accept that sex is a way of showing affection too but if that doesn't work for him, it doesn't work. And if you're trying to patch things up you need to meet him where he is. He should of course be doing the same, but if you each make your efforts contingent on the other's you'll just end up in a stalemate.

So, I doubt a sex therapist would be any replacement for a good (note the caveat) couples counsellor.

What is it that is making you both so miserable OP? Just the lack of sex/demand for sex? To me what you describe is just normal family life (apologies as I'm probably missing something)

I have to say if a man initiates divorce and rejects his wife sexually... I would very much be wondering about an affair. A lot of men realise they would lose their home/time with kids etc so maybe don't actually want to leave. Maybe an affair has ended and he's really trying to invest back into your relationship

But it does sound to me that all the reasons he is rejecting you are 'you' reasons not 'him' reasons. And I think that's really unfair as everything you describe doing/wanting is just so normal!! Please keep reminding yourself of that. It's NOT you it's him!

Of course it could be an affair. Or he could just feel unloved and unhappy and has done for a long time. Men can absolutely feel that way and there's no affair in sight.

Totally agree- but in this case he has a wife who enjoys spending time with him, wants affection in the evening, loves having sex with him... yes kids and work get in the way of a perfect fulfilling relationship... but it really does sound (from what OP had written) that it is him that is avoiding the good bits of their relationship. I can't think that many men would reject sex or instigate divorce based on the relationship as described!!!