Fifteen minutes sex v six Hours Zumba Argument

[Tavaress]

Me and my wife have always had different sex drives and have known each over and been married forty years. I could have sex every day while if my wife didn't have sex ever again I really don't think she would be too bothered. She has told me quite a few times that she is a self confessed prude and for the past twenty years we have had sex in one position with little involvement from my wife apart from kissing about once a week.
We both still have good lean bodies in our sixties and my wife goes to Zumba three times a week and is out for three hours each time all told with a break, chat, going for coffee and exercise after one Zumba session.

We were talking this afternoon and my wife said in so many words " I'm too old for sex now, I'm too tired.

I said " This is going to be an egg shell moment but how can you not be loving and have sex with me for fifteen minutes a week but be out three times a week for nine hours with at least six hours dancing and exercise with coach trips to markets, visits to shows and Christmas parties.

I don't go out and spend all my time in the garden and love being retired. We have had a big argument and she says it's not the first time she has said she doesn't really want sex anymore and she says she's not going to Zumba anymore and sex is now also finished and I have stopped her doing something she really loves.

I never asked her to stop going to Zumba which she is saying I have and apart from her times dancing we live in each others pockets.

Is it unreasonable what I have said and compared, I have compromised for twenty years with the one position sex and I really understand we are all different but I couldn't keep quiet under the circumstances and now we are not talking.
My wife can carry this on for hours and even days if I let it with me making it up every time soon after.

Let you know how we get on..

You make no sense. Your “main point is communication and honestly. Simple”

Yet you are berating the op’s wife who has been very honest and communicated with him how she feels about sex.

You criticise women posting on here who talk about not wanting sex. Again I will point out that these women are being honest and are communicating it!

You just don’t like what they are communicating or what they are being honest about 😂

definitely ♂️

for the past twenty years we have had sex in one position with little involvement from my wife

So you've treated your wife like a blow up doll for 20 years. I've seen consent rephrased these days to be "enthusiastic consent" and I think that is a very good way to describe it. Why would you want to have sex with someone who's impersonating a star fish? Laying back and thinking of England as they would say in years past. Enduring the act instead of actively enjoying it?

Think about that and your motivation in continuing to request sex with a person who is obviously not enjoying it. It is not a duty to be performed just because you are married. How are you ok knowing your wife is enduring and not enjoying?

Your wife enjoys zumba. You've just ruined that by now linking it to sex. If you do zumba you should be having sex with me. Your wife so very strongly does not want to have sex that she's stopping something she really enjoys so you can't twist it to entitle you to sex. Again, think about that.

Wow, that was an amazingly quick turnaround! From not wanting sex again ever, to 'leading you gently upstairs' and being a willing sex partner, doing it in different positions. All within a few hours. 😂

Many women over 60 CBA with sex. But the upshot is, she doesn't fancy you.

Think he might have dreamt that one up.

😆 YEP!

You might consider seeing a sex therapist. Sex therapists can help couples find intimacy in a way the marriage counselors cannot.

I don't think there's any coming back from being treated like a blow up doll for 20 years so hubby gets his "15 minutes".

This relationship should never have got off the ground. OP you should have stopped dating her once you realised the incompatibility. It's horniest at the start. If it's not great then you should have moved on.

I think young people need to know this. If sex is important to you, don't get into a ltr with someone who isn't sexual. They aren't for you.

Now? Ugh. You are in a bad place. You have to live the next 20/30 years in unwanted celibacy, discuss and get approval for an open marriage or split. That it. Thems the choices. And all of them are unpleasant

But indie one know I couldn't stay in a celibate relationship unless it was not down to lack of interest but an inability. Because then there would still be intimacy. When one person is just ivied out by the mere thought of it then the chances that they would still enjoy songs and nude caresses and other physical intimacies is close to zero. And for many of us that is a big nope

You should have split up when she told you she was a prude!

Op you've received a lot of judgement here but I don't think it's unreasonable to
A) want a sex life with your wife/not willingly accept no sex for the rest of your life and
B) try to discuss this with her.
C) expect your partner to care about your unmet needs and work with you to find a solution.

It's never ok to pressure someone to have sex they don't want though (even though it's normalized in society).

I don't think you've communicated this well though. You've taken the approach of 'you do this for yourself but you don't do this for me enough!' I think you'd have better luck having multiple general conversations about love and your marriage and how you show love to each other. Listen to what she has to say and action those points. Then ask if she'd be open to a conversation and listening to your view on things. Share with her your feelings about her and sex and what your needs are and how you feel when she rejects you. Ask her honestly if she'd like things to change so that you're both happy or if she plans to be celibate until she dies (or divorces you!). If she's open to change then perhaps go to couples counseling to help you discuss it in a constructive way rather than point scoring or it being a battle - you should both have a common goal of both being happy and having all your needs met.

If she won't discuss it with you at all even after you've made a bit ongoing effort over time to listen to her needs and action then then she may not respect you (even if she really wants to be sexless, if she cares about you and her marriage she should be willing to talk about how you can navigate this situation as a loving team). If I'd exhausted all efforts over a long time I'd be thinking about starting a New Romantic relationship and just being friends with your wife, as that's all she seems to offer. Just because she wants to live like a nun doesn't mean you have to. But she might not want to stay friends - prepare yourself.

Also please apologize for what you've said about Zumba and encourage her to restart it.

Ps don't join Zumba (unless she invites you) a little chance to miss you if good for her desire! Do your own hobby during this time

I've heard good things about beducated website for discussing what works and how both partners can experience more pleasure.

Also maybe watch this reel together it will help that the sexes are reversed www.instagram.com/reel/DDae7dYv4HT/?igsh=ZTNlcnZ5OWh0eTB6

I suggest you start by reading the book “Come As You Are” by Dr Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and listen to the advice Dr John Delony, Ph.D. gives to those in similar situations on his video therapy podcasts. (Google them)
This will open you up to other material that could be useful.

I think you both need counselling not just about sex but about your marriage in general. Sex for most women can be emotional, especially when married, her emotional tank from you could be empty, so she used Zumba and other things to fill it.

It all starts in how you relate with each other outside the bedroom. There may be so many unresolved issues to unpack which is why counselling would be a good option if you’re both willing.

I admire you putting yourself out there to get help, it’s not easy. Marriage is about give and take, sex included so my advice is to start filling up your wife’s emotional tank without asking or expecting anything in return and see how that goes. It may not be easy after forty years of marriage but if you love your wife and want to connect with her both emotionally and physically then it’s worth it.

You’d be surprised how many people are facing the similar situation and lots are much even younger than you based on what I hear when listening. So you are not alone, and there’s always hope.