Fifteen minutes sex v six Hours Zumba Argument

[Tavaress]

Me and my wife have always had different sex drives and have known each over and been married forty years. I could have sex every day while if my wife didn't have sex ever again I really don't think she would be too bothered. She has told me quite a few times that she is a self confessed prude and for the past twenty years we have had sex in one position with little involvement from my wife apart from kissing about once a week.
We both still have good lean bodies in our sixties and my wife goes to Zumba three times a week and is out for three hours each time all told with a break, chat, going for coffee and exercise after one Zumba session.

We were talking this afternoon and my wife said in so many words " I'm too old for sex now, I'm too tired.

I said " This is going to be an egg shell moment but how can you not be loving and have sex with me for fifteen minutes a week but be out three times a week for nine hours with at least six hours dancing and exercise with coach trips to markets, visits to shows and Christmas parties.

I don't go out and spend all my time in the garden and love being retired. We have had a big argument and she says it's not the first time she has said she doesn't really want sex anymore and she says she's not going to Zumba anymore and sex is now also finished and I have stopped her doing something she really loves.

I never asked her to stop going to Zumba which she is saying I have and apart from her times dancing we live in each others pockets.

Is it unreasonable what I have said and compared, I have compromised for twenty years with the one position sex and I really understand we are all different but I couldn't keep quiet under the circumstances and now we are not talking.
My wife can carry this on for hours and even days if I let it with me making it up every time soon after.

Let you know how we get on..

She signed up to a relationship wheh she got married . I can’t believe the amount of posts about women not wanting sex and think they get to decide and the man has to put up with it .

OP chooses no sex o f course she does. .(her body) thsi wants and isn’t rape ffs

She can’t choose no sex for her dh . Im
pretty sure by sounds of it this wasn’t the agreement. .

So being married gives men unlimited access to their wives does it?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You're a sex pest

Awful you've been pressuring her for 20 years

What advice would you give your daughter if her husband wouldn't leave her alone?

So he should get a divorce, not attempt rape.

Yeah, you need to leave her. This is not a romantic relationship, it's just a woman you live with. I understand you used the zumba to illustrate a point about what she does have energy for, but the difference is that she clearly enjoys zumba and does not enjoy sex with you. You can easily find a woman (or man) who will and will also offer companionship, sex and everything else. I wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship either, it sounds like you have tried to express that this isn't working for you and have not been heard. It's time to end it.

No woman should be pressured to have sex against her wishes. Can't believe I'm having to spell that out in 2024

OP needs to either (a) accept that his wife doesn't want a sexual relationship with him or (b) end the relationship and hope to find a new partner who does

This video might help

Exactly time to leave .

@Tavaress i Can’t believe after 40 years of marriage you can’t both have a conversation about it .
Your wife doesn’t want to though as she wouldn’t benefit from and open discussion. .so she has a strip and stops talking to you .
If a man did this to a woman he would be called all sorts .
controlling and manipulating .

Talk to your wife it’s make or break possibly

Look, I think you've gone about this terribly wrong but I don't think your feelings on it are as wrong as what some will think.

What I think is ridiculous is that you've gone 40 years with a woman who couldn't give a shiny shite about sex (perfectly reasonable) whilst you really want it (perfectly reasonable).

You can't compare Zumba and Sex. One is a social event with her friends. The other is (to her anyway) a necessary evil. She doesn't want to have sex and tiredness is nothing to do with it.

I'm very much like you, I need sex to feel fulfilled. It's an integral part of a relationship. But she isn't and so you have a decision to make and not an easy one.

Being in your 60s shouldn't mean a stop to sex for you but you need to decide whether you are happy to never have it again, whether you are not happy with that and so you just separate, or whether your wife will be open to you having sexual affairs (which will be a total fucking mess and probably end in separation anyway).

Your wife needs to understand that whilst she is perfectly within her rights to remain celibate for the rest of her life she cannot expect the same from you.

You have thinking to do young man!

Wow. This thread has brought all the lurking men out in force, hasn't it.

Frankly, Zumba doesn't involve someone you no longer fancy heaving away on top of you (this is the one position right?) before depositing his load inside you.
If you last 3 minutes or 15, I would still prefer Zumba (and I hate Zumba 😂)
You did ask.

Did I say that ?
why do women get married though ?

They know fine well that if they were honest at the start of a relationship , that they would only have sex until a man married them and then stop nobody would marry them .
Or it would take a hell of a long time to find someone who thought the same .

Be honest at the start .
Some women are lying from the get go and this is acceptable . Why?

The comparison you made was clumsy, but I assume you meant, if she has enough energy for 6hrs of zumba a week, how does she not have enough energy for 15 min of sex. Unfortunately, as another poster mentioned, the two are completely different and she enjoys one far more than the other.

I don't know how you've lasted 40years in a marriage where you're sexually incompatible with your wife. What do you want to do at this point? You can leave, stay and accept the way things are or stay and have an affair.

You don’t need to tell me about consent . Oh I believe in consent .
Question is did OP consent to a sexless marriage?
If the answer is no. Then he is allowed to be upset and want his wife .
The wife really should have been honest along time ago .

Then op wouldn’t be made out to be a sec pest for wanting his wife.

I don’t think the dw should be having sex she doesn’t want but she hasn’t been honest has she ???

If she doesn't want to have sex with you and you want to have sex and you can't put up with the situation you are in then you need to decide to leave, rather than moaning about it. Of course she loves Zumba. That's a fun activity with her friends. She chooses to do that. She doesn't want to have sex with you, it's not a fun activity and she may well feel coerced. To be fair to you, she should have left you already. You are incompatible. I can think of nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone I didn't fancy who seemed to think I did fancy him and wanted sex. Your age is irrelevant you just don't suit each other.

The whole thing is a false equivalence: her going to Zumba no more has to be paid for in sexual favors to you, than you being out in the garden entitles her to ask you to sleep there.

It is horrible being nagged and coerced into sex, it is horrible being wanked into with no consideration either of me or of the totally corrosive effect it has on a relationship. It was one of the things I was very happy to leave behind when I separated.

Having said that, I have a frequent and satisfying sex life with my new partner. It was my ex and his constant unpleasable demands which did for our marriage. It sounds like you are heading the same way.

Yes, I absolutely relate to your wife, as I just commented on another thread.
Also reasonably healthy, lean and child free, (married for 20 years) I'll never have sex again and I'm very happy, no, RELIEVED for that.
👍

She may well have been honest, but he only heard what he wanted to hear.

I think @Tavaress that a lot of the posters are wilfully misunderstanding.
For clarity, of course Zumba and sex are both physical activities and (by the sounds of it) the sex is a lot less intensive for your wife than the Zumba. She just hasn’t communicated that she doesn’t want it before.
To the pps the wife has said she is puritanical (a prude) and doesn’t want sex in anything other than a single position. oP is not raping his wife - at no point in the OP is that clear at all. She’s just a prude. It is not your fault that she is not communicating effectively about not wanting sex. Now she has.

It’s now up to you to decide if you want a sex free life or not. I would suggest you ask for an open marriage if that is workable for you. A life without intimacy - sexual or otherwise- is incredibly sad if it’s not chosen and you are not choosing celibacy when you marry. Your wife is at fault for not communicating clearly and earlier.
I am sorry that you are going through this (I have) and I am also sorry that you are getting a hard time on here. If the roles were reversed you’d be getting tea and sympathy!

I'm gutted OP. I genuinely thought from the title there was a theory that 15 minutes of sex was the equivalent of 6 hours of zumba. I was all "Pass the doughnuts then brace yourself babe, I'm cancelling my classes."

I can see both sides here, but what it comes down to is that you are obviously sexually incompatible, and have been for years. This isn't a new thing, she's just stopped pretending and putting up with it.
I don't think the OP is unreasonable to want a sex life and affection with his wife. I don't think the wife is unreasonable to refuse doing something she doesn't want to do. What they do about it, who knows!

Consent can change over time. That’s part of it.

What you used to want, you no longer want.

😂.

He's taken her literally ..I'm too tired for sex (physically tired) but I can Zumba for 3 hours 3 times a week.....where as it sounds like she is mentally weary of sex to please him.

Your dw doesn’t have to have sex, that’s her choice.
You don’t have to stay in a sexless marriage, your choice.

I dare say if you do leave then your dw will be shocked and feel hard done by, she wants a companion, nothing more.
Her life is ticking along nicely and you are expected to do the same.

Well I think that she mis-spoke when she said she was too tired to have sex. That’s not what she meant at all. What she meant is that she has no desire. Because if it was simply tiredness, like you say, then it’s surprising she had energy for Zumba. She has desire for Zumba and no desire for sex. Tiredness is a red herring.

That said, it is very destructive for your wellbeing that she doesn’t want to have sex with you - and has been doing it with zero enthusiasm for 20 years. It’s a fair expectation, sex with your spouse.

I suppose the answer is that you figure out whether this is a dealbreaker. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you? Or is a divorce better.