End of tether with sex. Graphic warning

[Endoftethernow]

Thank you for reading, my sex life is an utter disaster and I’m at the end of my tether. I’m just venting really.

Im 44. Married. Have been with the same person for a long time. He’s lovely for the most part, loyal, kind etc

Except in bed. And I can’t take it anymore.

Sex is like a workout, for me mainly. I’m always in positions like a bloody backwards spider and mostly on top. All the time he’s got a finger poking me in the bottom which I hate.

When I’m underneath him, I’m on my front with my hair being pulled so hard I’ve got this uncomfortable unnatural arch in my back.

Sex goes on for ages…and ages…and ages. All the time my calves are burning, I’m sweating, I’m absolutely knackered and he’s sticking his phone in my face to film it.

And then, every single time it has to end in anal. And I hate anal. It leaves me bloated and often with acute tummy pains. Not to mention the horrible soreness and damp sticky feeling after.

He thinks he’s really generous because I orgasm. I don’t orgasm during anal, it’s usually towards the beginning of an ‘session’ and generally due to my own efforts.

And he wants me to talk to him when we’re having sex and tell him how much I turn him on. Well, that feels stupid when I’m praying for him to just fucking finish.

I know he’d be devastated if he read this. He has no idea how I feel. I’ve always tried desperately to please him, but over time he’s wanted more and more extreme.

He wants me dressed up. He wants to strangle me during (not really hard, but enough to piss me off actually). It’s never normal…and it’s never enjoyable.

I just end up feeling tired, sore, used and quite frankly violated.

I can’t do this anymore. He’s been texting me anticipatory messages all day and I don’t want to even come home. I feel sick.

I love him. He’s an amazing husband in every other way. But I don’t know if his brain is porn addled, or what, and I never thought I’d say this, but I hate sex. It’s gone too far.

I still want to have sex…I just want it to be normal, loving, low bloody effort for a change. Romantic. He would find that so boring.

Currently I’m a prop. A performing monkey. I don’t know what to do without just saying it and causing him a lot of embarrassment and upset. There’s nothing else for it though is there? There’s no easy way out of this.

I’m feeling desperate now. I’ve already feigned two headaches this week. I want to be treated like a loved wife.

If it all sounds awful, it’s because it is.
Sorry for that. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

I just wanted to say you poor thing. He sounds grim, and as though he's watched one porn film too many. Not sure what the answer is though, I hope someone with advice comes along soon.

Thank you.

He’s not amazing. he’s subjecting you to the type of sex you don’t like. It sounds like he wants things all his own way. Doesn’t seem to be any love or consideration when you are having sex. Can’t you just tell him to stop during sex, when my partner has accidentally hurt me as he’s a lot larger than me, he completely stops and we get into a position that works for me and he checks I’m ok. Seems like he’s watching violent and aggressive porn tbh. I do feel sorry for you dreading going home, you poor thing. Doesn’t he ever notice you have a tummy ache from the anal sex?

Thank you. To answer questions, if I ask him to stop he does. And I do ask sometimes. But I’m my own worst enemy.

He does notice I’ve had tummy pains. And he’s very guilty and caring and loving etc. but I guess not sorry, as he doesn’t see it as a him thing, but rather an us thing.

I’m going to have to be honest with him. I know he’ll be mortified. It’s progressed to extremes so gradually, I can’t understand why I didn’t say something at the start of all this. I can’t even remember the start.

That sounds vile OP. I don't think you can make this normal, it's gone way too far. How can he be so oblivious as to not realise you are not enjoying this? That takes a particularly self absorbed person IMO. It's time to stop being his porn prop and if that means the relationship is over then so be it.

You've got to find a way to stop this. Please! He's using and abusing you for his own gratification!

@Endoftethernow please be honest with him. He’s not caring and in fact very selfish if he can see you have pain after sex.

Also if you’ve told him to stop more than once that should be his que to not go it again or be more gentle or in fact have an adult conversation with you after sex and say @Endoftethernow do you not like it when I do x to you? My heart actually goes out to you as this doesn’t sound good. I don’t have a vanilla sex life with dp but we always discuss outside of the bedroom what we like / what we want to do and if that’s ok?

gopd luck xx

Thanks all. I think I posted because I want to tell him. I am going to talk to him tonight. I have no idea how to go about it. Whether to say my tastes have changed or blame perimenopause. I don’t want to embarrass him. I do love him a lot. I just don’t want this anymore.

I have no idea how it’ll affect our relationship. Probably he’ll be quiet and embarrassed to begin with and avoid sex. He will hate the idea that he’s in anyway pushy. Long term though, I’m scared because I do adore him outside of the bedroom.

Oh no, this sounds horrendous 🤦‍♀️ does he think you a pornstar or something. You really need to tell him that it is all too much for you. Don't think I'd be rushing home either. Good luck!

It sounds like maybe you genuinely haven't told him how you feel. Some people really like this kind of sex and am I naive to think he just truly believes you're into it? I don't know if you come across as enthusiastic in the moment or not. Just be honest. He shouldn't be embarrassed, you're just telling him how you feel. Your tastes have changed, you're wanting more slow and intimate sex. He shouldn't feel upset about this if he is as caring as you say so please don't over think it. You're in a partnership and it works both ways.

Just be honest. Tell him things have changed bit by bit so it's taken a while to realise you don't enjoy the way you have sex any more. Tell him it used to be softer, gentler, more romantic, and that's what you'd like to get back to. Good luck.

Why have you put with this?😮

I would have told him straight at the beginning that I would NOT be doing any of those things

I’m think you can speak to him in a gentle way. Maybe say you would like sex to be less forceful and more loving, tell him more of what you like and suggest doing that over the weekend? I do hear your concerns about the wider relationship but it will say a great deal about him in the way he reacts tonight.

I think this is the problem. I have not been explicit. I’d rather say ‘oh I don’t feel like anal tonight’ rather than ‘I don’t want you to go there ever again’. I try to spare his feelings.

But he just kept introducing new things during sex, with no discussion beforehand, so I felt awkward in the moment if you see why I mean.

But yes. I do need to say something. I will blame perimenopause and tastes changing.
Thank you all.

Sounds absolutely awful and he’s not lovely also don’t lie about why you don’t like it or make excuses

Please, for the sake of your relationship, just be honest with him. Don't tell him it's because of stuff that isn't really the cause. Tell him you don't like it, you've never liked it and that you've been so eager to please him that you've lost yourself in all of it.

If you can't be honest and open with your partner then there is no relationship worth saving. The two of you obviously have a communication problem for which you both need to take responsibility - and you both need to work together to fix it. I hope he is mortified when he finds out what's been going on

Good luck

OP I can somewhat relate to this and the only way forward is to talk honestly to him.

You say you don't want embarrass or upset him but he's not thinking about your feelings, he must realise you're not enjoying it! Your feelings are just as important as his.

Good luck, if the rest of your relationship is good hopefully you can come through this.

This sounds awful OP.
It is like a ceremonial rape session.
What has happened to the pictures he has taken of you?
Where have they been sent?

However it started and however gradually it happened, this situation has ended up far beyond healthy normality. Sounds like you should have been much more direct with him much sooner - but there's no reason not to be now. Also sounds like he has been wilfully oblivious to whether you are enthusiastically consenting to what he is doing, or merely tolerating it. That's not at all impressive on his part. Whatever he may be like out of bed, he's not a kind or decent man in it. I know a lot of blokes, none of whom would treat his partner this way. I think you should explain very clearly tonight that you hate what he is doing and it's stopping now.

Obviously this is not on. If difficult to tell him - simply show him this thread. Really important I’ll say that he understand the full extent. If he is a good guy he will make massive changes. If not - bin him!!!

@Cloudj that's a good idea, show him this thread. Seeing it in black and white and also others opinions on it might make him realise the severity of his actions.

Show him this thread
What a disgusting man

He is abusive, not lovely by any means. He has no respect for your feelings or your body. Feeling guilty and saying sorry doesn't mean anything, if he continues making you feel uncomfortable and leaving you in pain. Sex is meant to be a beautiful experience, not filled with fear. He is selfish and verging on becoming violent. Please take this seriously and talk to him, consider sex therapy, or prepare to end.

Embarrass him?
That would be the least of my worries
I'm sorry

I wouldn't have a deep and meaningful about your sex life in general telling him everything's going to be different from now on.

Better to just tell him what you want in tbe moment during sex. So say a straight "no" to anal at the time.

Say you want missionary (tell him becaise you love it) making a positive of it. In fact there's a lot of scope for avoiding the stuff you don't like by asking for things you like. Much more positive to say (during sex) you're gagging for PIV rather than giving him lists of stuff you don't want. In fact you could probably blow his mind by enthusiastically asking for specific PIV positions and more licking or whatever.

Good luck!