End of tether with sex. Graphic warning

[Endoftethernow]

Thank you for reading, my sex life is an utter disaster and I’m at the end of my tether. I’m just venting really.

Im 44. Married. Have been with the same person for a long time. He’s lovely for the most part, loyal, kind etc

Except in bed. And I can’t take it anymore.

Sex is like a workout, for me mainly. I’m always in positions like a bloody backwards spider and mostly on top. All the time he’s got a finger poking me in the bottom which I hate.

When I’m underneath him, I’m on my front with my hair being pulled so hard I’ve got this uncomfortable unnatural arch in my back.

Sex goes on for ages…and ages…and ages. All the time my calves are burning, I’m sweating, I’m absolutely knackered and he’s sticking his phone in my face to film it.

And then, every single time it has to end in anal. And I hate anal. It leaves me bloated and often with acute tummy pains. Not to mention the horrible soreness and damp sticky feeling after.

He thinks he’s really generous because I orgasm. I don’t orgasm during anal, it’s usually towards the beginning of an ‘session’ and generally due to my own efforts.

And he wants me to talk to him when we’re having sex and tell him how much I turn him on. Well, that feels stupid when I’m praying for him to just fucking finish.

I know he’d be devastated if he read this. He has no idea how I feel. I’ve always tried desperately to please him, but over time he’s wanted more and more extreme.

He wants me dressed up. He wants to strangle me during (not really hard, but enough to piss me off actually). It’s never normal…and it’s never enjoyable.

I just end up feeling tired, sore, used and quite frankly violated.

I can’t do this anymore. He’s been texting me anticipatory messages all day and I don’t want to even come home. I feel sick.

I love him. He’s an amazing husband in every other way. But I don’t know if his brain is porn addled, or what, and I never thought I’d say this, but I hate sex. It’s gone too far.

I still want to have sex…I just want it to be normal, loving, low bloody effort for a change. Romantic. He would find that so boring.

Currently I’m a prop. A performing monkey. I don’t know what to do without just saying it and causing him a lot of embarrassment and upset. There’s nothing else for it though is there? There’s no easy way out of this.

I’m feeling desperate now. I’ve already feigned two headaches this week. I want to be treated like a loved wife.

If it all sounds awful, it’s because it is.
Sorry for that. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

Please please please stop consenting to sexual things that you do not enjoy or if they cause you physical pain.

You need to be 100% honest with him. You need to totally set down your boundaries with what you will and will not do.

Don’t overthink about him being mortified or devastated. If he reacts negatively towards you instead of understanding and mature then you need to end the marriage. I’m hoping he doesn’t react negatively though because you say he’s caring and loving, so hopefully he’ll understand OP.

You wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable or in pain so why should he able to do it to you?

What you are doing is classed as rough sex and various kinks. All sex requires enthusiastic and continuous consent, but things incorporating what you do need another layer.

Do you have a safeword?
Did you have any negotiations before he started choking you (for example). Has he done any research on the difference between blood and breath choking and the risks involved?
Many, many people will only simulate choking with a light hand around the throat due to the risks which are extremely high.

The fact that he has noticed a correlation between tummy pain and anal means that he just doesn't care if sex is causing you discomfort.

He should be proactively saying that it is making you uncomfortable and do you want to continue because he is concerned and he would be totally okay never doing anal again.

I personally hate giving blowjobs, due to hypermobility jaw problems. Doing them causes me so much discomfort.
I told my DH this two weeks after we met and he has never mentioned it since. I have never given him oral sex and he wouldn't dream of asking because he wouldn't even enjoy being intimate with me if I wasn't enjoying myself too

Intimacy should be beautiful and never violating. It can include any number of weird and wonderful things... ONLY if both partners are enthusiastically into it.

What have I just read 😞

This is a really MN thing to say but I think you would benefit from counselling. Not only have you gone along with things that are now so extreme they cause you “acute pain”, your main concern is not upsetting or embarrassing him.

That’s almost the worst thing to read. drama triangle - he’s the perpetrator hurting you but anyone highlighting this to him and he is suddenly the victim and it’s all about his feelings. Classic. If you’re honest with yourself you know he’s a manipulator, and you know he knows he’s hurting you (tummy pain). He doesn’t care one bit about your feelings and if he’s nice around the house it’s because he’s getting what he wants.

He is utterly vile. My main concern is these videos. Where are they?

Crikey , if that was me , I'd feel like I was being sexually assaulted everytime .
Because,you've never said a firm no , it's his norm now .
Tell him it's not for you and is uncomfortable .

Please tell him the truth. By lying and saying your tastes have changed and it might be the menopause, you're blaming yourself. You are not in the wrong for never liking something.

Sorry but everyone advising she tiptoe around him and spare the poor lamb's blushes - fuck that!
He is causing her pain and suffering and ruining their sex life to the point she doesn't want to go home. He needs to stop with the violent porn he's clearly watching and be told straight she isn't into it and he's hurting her. She doesn't need to make excuses for why she doesn't want sex like this and blame menopause or whatever because from her posts she NEVER wanted sex like this. He sounds so far the porn rabbit-hole that I doubt the Cheshire Cat could find this vile cunt again!
Fuck his feelings!

@Endoftethernow reading this post absolutely breaks my heart. He is literally making porn with you, without your enthusiastic consent. And not the nice, romantic real-life-couple porn; he’s creating the horrible, violent, women-are-objects-to-abuse porn. I don’t care how “lovely” he is in other aspects of his life; this is hideous.

This x

I hope the OP reads this too x

Brutal.

The only way to address this is to talk to him.

My ex also used to do things I didn't like. But I loved him. I also used to get increased stomach issues/UTIs connected to sex. Which didn't seem to bother him. But the culture was to be the 'cool girl'... sadly.
When I got a bit older and started discussing things that would turn me on, he had no interest. Really simple things, he just wouldn't engage. I was surprised as I'd been so accommodating with him. And when I started saying no during sex to certain things or just really tuning into myself, he really didn't like that. He got into a sulk or did impressions of me. He's obv now an ex. I just think the so-called 'nice' guys really aren't that nice. And when challenged, they can make it about themselves and act all hurt because they get a 'no' or feedback or god forbid have to consider someone's preferences or us as actual people!
My advice, start with a sex ban. You are not obliged to have sex you don't want. You're also entitled to take breaks. And maybe try sex/couples counselling as a safe space to feedback your concerns and work on boundaries. Coming from someone who had to work very hard on my own boundaries.

He films you by using his phone during sex, what happens to the recordings? Are they just for his own pleasure or is he uploading them onto porn sites to make money from his content? The way he's treating you like a porn actress I'm deeply suspicious of his motivation.
I think you should check his phone, his bank statement, looking for unexplained income and anything else that is suspicious, if it's possible.
Be brave, good luck.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably reach out to Womens Aid for support. They will have likely assisted women in similar non-consensual sexual relationships.

He is acting out what he sees in porn and, because those women "love it" his assumption is that you must love it too. It concerns me that you are too frightened to tell him no. Sex isn't just about what he wants/likes. Your enjoyment matters just as much as his and sex should not involve doing anything that hurts you or makes you feel horrible. My boyfriend tried sticking his finger up my arse and putting his hand around my throat, because he can't differentiate between porn and normal life either. I told him no and he stopped. If he hadn't, that would have been sexual assault/rape and he would have been out of my life.

Your partner needs to understand that the women being subjected to those acts in porn have consented to them beforehand, they have been able to prepare in advance, there are edits, other people in the room etc and they are being PAID! You are supposed to be in a loving relationship where your partner cares about your wellbeing. If you can't talk to him about the horrible sex he's forcing you to endure, or if you talk to him and things don't radically change, I don't see how you can continue being with him. My worry would be that if I didn't agree to what is actually abuse, then he'll get what he wants from somewhere else.

He may not be as bad as your description makes him sound! But...he hasn't got the first idea about sexual intimacy in a long term relationship. Instead of sex being a wonderful, exciting, shared experience, he's bringing selfish and misogynistic porn preferences to the bedroom...

It sounds to me like you might really benefit from couples therapy?

This would give you a voice about your sex life and let him know how far off the mark he is.

You're not a paid porn star on a shoot. Why is he filming you, do you want to be filmed? Why can't you say stop pulling my hair it's hurting me? Why can't you say you don't want anal? He can't be a loving partner if you're scared to even say these things op. Stop going along with it and talk to him seriously and lay out everything that needs to stop and change.

Don't accept this - he is abusing you. He is unlikely to change and sounds like he is re-enacting what he sees in porn.
My advice would be to leave him.

@Endoftethernow

iv just come across this thread I hope the conversation went ok and I hope you are ok because I don’t think you have been reading between the lines.

sex is meant to be equally enjoyable for both people and the automatic response from a partner when the other goes off something or decides that’s not for them is oh ok no problem we won’t do that again. It’s not enjoyable for me either if I know the person I love isn’t into it. Thanks for telling me I’m glad we could sort that.

This was uncomfortable to read….

Hope you're ok OP have been thinking about you and your situation.

Just stumbled on this and from a man's view this is vile, you might not want to hear it but it's abuse and using you like a performing prop, I hope your OK as this was posted a bit ago but felt I needed to respond.

You should not put up with his abuse. Also, be aware that pain could be the result of him hitting, and bruising your cervix. That is unacceptable.

You have to stop having sex with him. People you love and who are supposed to love you don’t hurt you. This is a horrendous thing to read.

Why would you be devastated if he read this? The pig deserves to know. He sounds disgusting and abusive to be honest.

wtf! sexual abuse bordering on rape. walk away now whilst you're still alive to do so. words fail me. unless a woman wants to do what he demands you're worth someone else who will love you, care for you and treat you well. leave him now.