My husband often come up with an excuse to not have sex with me.

[Camsi]

My husband often comes up with an excuse to not have sex with me. We only have sex when he wants which happens once a month. He is 36yo and I am 28.
When we travel we don’t have sex, he says he is tired, I look to my side am he is already sleeping.
last weekend we went out to a bar with his friends, we got drunk I am trying to be a little naught with him by saying “baby, shall we go home, I am horny for you” he started saying “why are u ruining the night? Stop saying that. Then we decided to go home, I stand up and started walking until he call me dramatic out of the blue?! I asked him why he got so nervous when I mentioned about having sex, he said that I know that he feels pressured when I comment about sex and that I didn’t even say I wanted to have sex in a sexy way. Blaming me instead of getting horny as well and taking me to the hotel room and fuck me.
he used to watch porn, he said he quit but i am staring to think that he didn’t.
when I try to initiate sex at home most of the time his dick doesn’t get hard!! And we do have sex he skips the foreplay, I feel he does that bc his dick won’t be hard for too long.
please, any advices?
thank you very much!

He said he doesn’t know what his problem is… I suggested low sex drive and he can’t say what the problem is… so frustrating

Exactly! Our self esteem gets so shaken 😞

@Camsi OP keep me updated , I want to know how you going to solve this because I have the same problem :(

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5140610-how-to-politely-say-no-to-sex-with-girlfriend?page=1

Maybe you come on too strong?

what was your sex life like before?

Everyone making out OP is a sex weirdo for telling her husband she's horny for him??

The women he's watching in porn...are they knitting or baking flans??

I bet he doesn't mind it when he hears the cringe worthy shit women say in porn but he makes his wife feel bad for wanting sex with him and making it known.

Tbh it sounds like a proper chat is needed. You need to tell him how it’s making you feel that he doesn’t want sex with you. Then hopefully rather than just dismissing you by saying you’re tired he may open up. Sounds like he’s having trouble staying hard, could it be like that because he genuinely is so tired? Or he may have ED and be trying to avoid sex so he doesn’t have to deal with it

Well, things are not easier at home neither… he often doesn’t get hard when we try to have sex… the last two times we tried it didn’t get hard. It is so frustrating. I just talked to him and he said he gets nervous when I initiate, that he has perfomance anxiety and that it is very hard for him to change focus.

hi! Thanks for your reply!
I just feel he is tired all the time, you know?
I just talked to him and he said he feels nervous when I initiate sex and that he probably has perfomance anxiety, but I really don’t know how it happens to married people, he should trust me by now.
We rarely have sex when we travel and are at a nice hotel for ex, he just wants to watch series, roll and sleep. He said he might have a lower sex drive than me, I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore bc it’s been going on for soo long!

I am so sorry to hear that!!! I wish you all the best and I hope you will dump him and live the best life you can!

Maybe you need to do more hoovering or washing up or what is it men get told ?

Obviously erectile issues! He's embarrassed!

You're not being very mature about the situation, you're frustrated? You both need to go to a sex therapist. He may need to visit his gp.

is this a joke?

I recommend a visit to the GP for him just to check there aren’t underlying physical issues, then sex therapy. If he is suffering from anxiety, then it will cause a vicious circle - making him even more anxious. From the way he is reacting - it’s clear that anxiety plays a part.

A therapist will encourage you to be physically intimate without the expectation of an erection or sex, and explore other ways of satisfying each other and move on from there.

Don’t feel bad about the way you expressed your desire - it just wasn’t right for him.

If it really is a mismatch of libidos, the problem is much more difficult.

One fun thing to try is http://old.mojoupgrade.com

More men have low sex drives than we realise. You don't sound compatible

Hi! How am I being immature? I really would like to improve.

Hi! How am I being immature? I really would like to improve.

You're flogging a dead horse OP.

You're young enough to leave and find what you really want out of life. Just bite the bullet and go for it.

Because before you know it 50 years will have passed. He won't change.

I just talked to him and he said he probably has performance anxiety, that he gets nervous when I initiate it, and that most probably he has a lower sex drive than me… still hard to deal with, I really love him and I don’t know what to do…

Has sex always been like that or has it changed over time? How is intimacy outside of sex ?

It kinda of always been like that. Some periods better, some periods worse. But I feel that lately it has been very bad. Few years ago we spend 6 months without having sex. 😓 He says his job is very overwhelming and he can’t chance focus that fast (relax his mind and think of something else)

You deserve better than constantly feeling low because you can't be intimate with your husband . He should want to be able to relax and have sex with you and not be constantly thinking about work .

Sorry, but if he has always been like this why did you marry him ?

He is not likely to change no matter how you approach it. Your approach may work for sins men but obviously not for him.

If you dont have children I suggest calling it a day. Divorce & find someone with a similar sex drive to yours.

Thank you so much!
having sex is the last thing he priorities. He has energy and focus enough to play golf after work, for ex. The thing is that I am feeling like I am the wrong one, I feel like, why did I approach him that way? Maybe I could have done something different, but I really don’t know anymore what to do to get his attention.