DH never ever wants sex

[Bluepinkrex]

Looking for advice/shoulder to cry on really. Been married for 20 years, still love my DH dearly. But we haven’t had sex for over a year and before that it was on the decline for about 2 years. He’s just not interested. First I thought it was just a dry spell and it would pass. But the months have gone by and even small things like kisses, holding hands, hugs etc have diminished too. If I even make a joke about something related to sex he rolls his eyes and tells me ‘you’re insatiable. Is that all you think about?’
We both work hard for a living and we have three kids so I’m not expecting that we should be at it like newlyweds but I feel like it will never happen again. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve not got anyone to talk to about this.
I’m not ready to give up sex forever in my 40s, but he seems quite content. Is this typical? I guess I’ve always thought that the male libido carried on as normal and that it would be me packing away my desires first. He won’t really talk about it to me either. It’s just taken as read that I shouldn’t ask for sex or initiate it as I will be turned down or he will say things like ‘well if that’s what you need then you better get on Tinder’
It makes me feel like I’m some sort of crazy nymphomaniac. And totally undesirable at that. I don’t feel loved or cherished. I’m quite a tactile person and I need physical connection but I’m seeming needy if I ask my husband for a kiss or a hug.
So we are going about, like roommates and I don’t know what to do about it. All of my female married friends talk about their husbands wanting sex more than they do and how they manage that. I just smile and nod and say nothing because how can I admit that I haven’t had sex since last summer and that my husband is no longer interested? It’s making me cry just even typing this.

I’m only in my early thirties so can’t over any advice. Maybe just a kind word or two. I definitely like sex as much as my husband I don’t get why it’s such a taboo subject for us woman and like anything in life the more you’re denied something the more you want it.
His quick changing of the subject is making me think maybe he’s suffering with erectile dysfunction? You know how men can be. Too proud to talk about it!

Thank you. He did have some ED issues a while ago due to blood pressure medication. He tried viagra once and it had no effect so he’s never spoken about it again. It’s just like ‘oh well, that’s that then’

Does he watch porn? If so, he could have ED due to a porn addiction. Alternatively, he could have low testosterone levels now that he’s in his 40’s. Or it could be something else medical. He should see his doctor because no, it’s not normal for a man his age to completely go off sex for so long. Yes, kids can make it more difficult and sometimes you’ll be too tired for sex but a year is too long. Physical intimacy is important to most marriages and the fact that he won’t discuss it with you is unfair. You are allowed to have needs. Thats completely normal.
i would be sitting him down in a non confrontational way and telling him that you love him and you miss physical intimacy. Stress that you don’t just mean sex but being held, holding hands, kisses, etc. This is something that you need to feel good about yourself and connected in your relationship. Tell him you feel your self confidence has plummeted because you no longer feel wanted. Ask him to see the doctor because you’re concerned he may have an underlying health issue. Tell him that if things don’t change you will have to re-evaluate the relationship because you are so lonely. Stress to him that although you would like to have sex, you would be happy for the time being to just reinstate having hugs and kisses, etc. Tell
him there is no pressure to have sex but you do need some form of physical touch regularly.

I don’t think he watches porn. He’s told me lots of times that he no longer masturbates so I can’t think he’d have any need to watch porn I feel absolutely unable to raise the subject with him as he’s pushing me away saying I’m being greedy for sex and that there is something wrong with me. Honestly I think I’ve tried to initiate intimacy maybe twice in the last year.

And yes, I am incredibly lonely.

You have to try again to talk to him. Is this how you want to live for the next 30/40 years? It’s not just a sexless marriage you’re in, it sounds like you’re living with a roommate. It’s not healthy. You will end up resenting him. I don’t think it’s unfair to ask your husband for a hug. He’s being incredibly selfish due to his own insecurities. Tough 💩 if he doesn’t like the topic of conversation, you are a person with feelings too and you’ve been living on his terms for what seems like a few years now. There is nothing wrong with you but there most definitely IS something wrong with him. You’re not even asking him for sex at this point, just for hugs and physical touch. Does he hug your children? If so, then he is capable of providing a loving hug to his wife too. He’s choosing not to. Probably because he is scared that if he hugs you, you might want to take it further and he won’t be able to get it up. You need to speak to him. You are able. It might be hard but you need to do it or you need to leave him and find someone you’re compatible with. He needs to see a doctor regardless of sex because there could be an underlying medical condition that he needs treatment for. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and listen to you for once or it’s over.

If you take sex out of the equation - say your husband had an illness. It affects your life too, but he won't talk about it, he pretends it's not happening, he tells you you've just got to suck it up and put up with it. He's not going to do anything about it.
It's making you more and more unhappy - and he still won't talk about it or go to the doctor about it.
You would be entirely reasonable to sit him down and ask him to tell you what the prognosis was. If he just snapped 'all you ever think about is my health, can't you change the record!' you would be quite within your rights to tell him you were rethinking the marriage unless he sought treatment.

Sometimes just mentioning 'sex' seems to make people clam up.

as a previous poster said, maybe it’s ED but it could also be something like stress with work etc.
Do you have anyone that could babysit for a night so you could have some one on one time and go out or even a nice dinner at home, nice underwear etc
I feel like I went through something similar and it’s by no means perfect and we are still working on it but telling my wife how I felt and asking her why does it feel like she’s no longer into me or wants to have sex and she said it wasn’t me but she’s just abit overwhelmed with life in general at the moment, kids constantly at home and us not getting us time. We managed to get the kids looked after shortly after that conversation and it was a small step in the right direction.
I genuinely hope things work out and your husband opens up to you.

The fact he’s trying to put the blame on you makes me think that it’s something to do with him even more. He’s going full denial mode and portray it on to you

Please don’t think you have something wrong with you for wanting sex, it’s completely normal! He’s deflecting his issues on to you and I’m sure at some point he will open up to you about what’s actually wrong.

@Steve78 thanks. It’s nice to hear a man’s view. I don’t think he will open up to me unless I force the issue. I’m not going to do that though because I don’t think I could face hearing that maybe it is me and he’s gone off me. Our kids are tweens/teens now so no babysitter required, but we never go out together anyway. I have my social life and he doesn’t have one at all. We recently went away on holiday for a few days and I did wonder if that might give us a chance to get closer. But no, it was the usual routine of him napping or watching phone, peck on the cheek goodnight and that’s that. Apart from he made a joke about another woman’s boobs in her bikini which I laughed along with but felt utterly crushed inside. That’s a stupid level of insecurity from me, but it’s how I feel.

Sorry I keep dissolving into tears writing these posts.

You say you won't force the issue because you can't face hearing the truth from him. But the truth is what I think you need to hear, unless you're content to stick with the situation as it is now (which I suspect you're not, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here). It also sounds like intimacy and connection has gone from the relationship and you're missing that as much as the sex. That will never return unless you can have some frank and open discussions with each other.

Although you risk hearing that he doesn't find you attractive any more, it's just one man's opinion and doesn't need to affect your self-esteem. Most divorcees discover there's a whole world of dating and people who do find them attractive after a marriage breaks down. Maybe you should take him up on his suggestion of downloading Tinder to prove it? You never know, it may also inadvertently make him see you in a different light.

I genuinely think he would be relieved for me to find another man. I don’t want to test that theory. He’s never ever been jealous or even miffed about me spending time with other men. I work with mainly men and often go away on work things where I’m the only woman. I always feel that he’s a bit like ‘oh thank god, they can entertain her’

Man’s point of view here.

i am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling loved or desired, and but being allowed a sexual relationship.

I’m not a fan of the ‘no pressure to have sex let’s just hold hands’ approach.

Neither am i a fan of initiating a romantic night together to set the mood for sex

You won’t be happy just holding hands and the romantic meal/evening will be seen a mile off

i am a massive fan I’d direct honest conversations

everything you have written here is really powerful. You need to find a way to say that to him. Do it on a morning when you are able to say it with no expectation of sex. Not before bed or whatever.

i an worried that sometimes difficulties in your sex life mirror difficulties in your relationship. This is very common. Does he dismiss you or put you down at other times when you assert yourself?

Tell him sex with him is something you need to feel loved and to feel close to him. You are a physical person and you need loving and sexual touch

it is quite possible that he has a health issue or a psychological issue causing this so he needs to get that checked out

it Is quite possible that he just had a low libido and has gone off sex. The person who commented this isn’t normal for men is taking sexist nonsense. It’s quite normal. probably not as common as in women but still normal. I have friends who have gone off sex in their 40s.

But he needs to know the consequences of his behaviour and that it may end up in divorce. If he still can’t or won’t or doesn’t want to do something about this, you want to know.

him telling uou to go on tinder is shameful. He is trying to embarrass you or ridicule you into stopping talking about it. That’s not ok.

@BlackPanther75 thank you for your reply.
He doesn’t dismiss me or put me down in other aspects of our relationship. We do struggle to talk about major issues though. We rarely argue because we both hate it and find it really upsetting. So we just don’t talk about things. And like I said, I’m terrified of hearing that he’s ok not having sex ever again. That leaves me with a huge decision- I either go with that or what? Leave? I don’t want to do that. It feels impossible

I understand that it’s scary. It is scary. But the hard facts are this is an issue that destroys relationships. Destroys families. Leaves children with broken families.

I think he’ll be terrified to hear that you won’t go on like this and if you call him out on his horrible behaviour of shaming you when you try and tell him how much it is hurting you

he knows what he’s doing and he knows it’s a problem. Hes an adult

it sounds like he is avoidant of discussing it so he is using these tactics to try wriggle out of it and silence you.

I had a similar thing with my wife 5 years ago and i said to her, “I’m scared we will split up if this continues, and i don’t want that because i love you and love our family. But i can’t go on like this and if this carries on i think we’ll split up. So we need to address this right away. And whenever i bring this up you try every trick in the book to stop it or avoid it and that’s not OK”

See how he deals with that truth bomb

As alluded to above, desire does decrease as men age , but it also decrease differently for different men, so it could case that he is not really interested in sex any more, or the difficult question of not wanting sex with you any more

as other say things like stress and performance issues will absolutely kill male sex drive

what happens if you cuddle up to him bed, does he relax into it or tense up ?

Very sorry to read this - was pretty much how it was between me and my 'D'H - we are separating now - we did try counselling- but I did have to say I would leave if we didn't - it clarified things for me as realised there were lots of things going on and actually it wasn't fixable

Desire hasn’t decreased for me as I’ve aged.

There are periods where it’s fluctuated but for the last 10 years I’ve been horny and wanting sex daily and I’m late 40s

there was a time in my thirties where i wasn’t so bothered for a while, but that didn’t last long tbh

What is he always checking his phone for? Making a joke about another woman's boobs is horrible especially considering your complete lack of sex. Is it possible he's having an affair? Or do you think it's ED and he's taking it all out on you? This sounds like a miserable way to live OP, he really doesn't seem to care much about you.

Not having sex with your wife for years is not normal. People have fluctuations in their sex drive for all sorts of reasons but to point blank refuse all sexual and non-sexual contact and refuse to even discuss it and to tell your wife she’s basically a sex pest, is not normal or healthy. I agree def have a frank discussion with him and tell him how you feel and what you need, otherwise you won’t get it. And you may still not get it but at least you can move forward knowing where you stand and that you tried.

Thanks for being so supportive @Steve78 🦆

Been through the same situation (mid fifties). Solution was communication which led to spicing things up. Weekends away - bdsm ; role play; threesomes (MMF, FFM)
back on track now (was loads of fun !)

Your are one man, there are another 3,5 billion on the planet, do you speak for all men ?